Kiss Me (Promise Me Book 3)

by Brea Viragh

  I went straight into furious.

  “Shut up.”

  “You’re going to deny yourself an opportunity?” Kai clucked his tongue. “You’re not a coward.”

  “There are no romantic opportunities without loss, I told you. They’re too close together and I can’t accept one without the other.”

  I knew I was in trouble. I’d never shared these pieces of myself with a man. Not since Peter. I’d never felt the compunction to do so. With Kai, there was a sort of compulsion, and a deep need to be intimate. To link a part of me with him.

  There was no doubt about it. I’d fallen for the guy despite trying to rationalize it away. I didn’t have a clue what to do about it.

  My heart pounded thickly against my chest and I urged my feet forward. Faster. Wanting more distance when I found there was none. Why did my legs wobble? What was it about him, I wondered, that alternately tugged at me and made me want to slap him?

  “I believe there’s a reason you and I came together. I want the chance to find out,” he stated. “I’m willing to risk the loss if you are.”

  My head shook until hair obscured my vision, and my semi-decent mood went ragged around the edges. The son of a bitch—he wasn’t going to give up. It was my fault for getting involved in the first place. For getting twisted up and not thinking clearly.

  I wondered if I still had time to fix it.

  “You may be willing to risk it, but I’m not. I’ll tell you what, bub. I’m about to kick your ass right over the side of this mountain, and I’m wearing the boots to do it.”

  The damn man had the nerve to laugh. “You’re a feisty one, Nell.”

  Stomping ahead, I spared a final glance over my shoulder. “I thought we’d already settled that.”

  I left instead of staying, when I would have given myself completely to him and risked the madness.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  I worked off the mounting frustration by shoveling snow long into the afternoon. Soothed the savage beast tearing my heart to shreds by stacking firewood. And watched hours of pained elbows and bruised ego go down the toilet when the rain came at last and turned snow to slush. My shoulders sagged, defeated. In the hours to come, I knew the chill in the air would change all that water to ice. The roads would be a slick mess, a crash waiting to happen. Cars sliding off the road, and mashed fenders from curves too icy to navigate.

  My father listened to my muttered curses when I came back inside, drenched and trembling.

  He peered over the top of a gardening magazine, glasses perched on his nose. “You used to be able to handle stress better. No wonder you’re skin and bones.”

  I stomped slush from my boots and kicked them aside. Rubbing my hands together, I told him, “I’m done. Okay? Done and done.”

  “Did you get your car out of the slush?” The magazine captured his attention once more.

  Shaking, I rubbed my hands together for warmth. “Not yet, but I’m working on it. I won’t stop until there’s a clear path and an exit.”

  Paper rustled. “Stop brooding. You’ll get home soon enough. At least you got the time off from work and won’t miss your hours.”

  The air was cold. Still. Although the snow had stopped, ice gleamed on the tree branches, blazed a trail along the dark, frozen trunks. I’d plowed through the drifts with all the zest of a linebacker. I had to get out before my feet became cemented to the floor and I was stuck. It couldn’t be changed or avoided, or ignored for much longer. There were only so many rooms and so many spots to hide before I was caught. Truly, I was on borrowed time.

  “Why don’t you focus on the beauty of the day? Breath in, breath out.” Curran demonstrated, his chest rising and falling, happy and content. “This is a good place, where you can clear your mind and focus on the important things in life.”

  “Oh, trust me, I’m focusing. Focusing on getting back to my life. Focusing on escaping this madhouse before it turns into The Shining. This may be a good place, but it’s not mine.”

  “If you insist. Your need to run will break you soon.” Curran’s hand lifted to flip to the next page. “But I like having you around.”

  “I missed you too.” I spun back at the hint of footsteps in the other room, on edge. A rabbit knowing a trap waited somewhere. “I’ll see how the weather holds in a couple of hours. Then I’ll make a plan.”

  “And skip dinner?”

  “I have food going bad in my fridge at home. Don’t worry about me.”

  Last night the meal had lodged in my throat, and not because I was an abysmal chef. I ended up with a casual nibble of leftover bran muffin and nothing more. Kai seemed to have gotten into my head, because when I slept, my dreams were filled with him.

  My father lifted a shoulder. “I try not to.”

  I turned back to the small window in the side door and stood there, staring outside. Birds zipped along the tree line and my eyes followed their paths. I liked what I saw there. Simple pleasure in the flight.

  What was wrong with me?

  I didn’t pine for a man. I didn’t listen to my mother and entertain fantasies about a life I didn’t want. Yet I found myself doing both in my quiet hours. How fucked up was that?

  I stomped my feet a final time and let my hand fall to the doorknob for balance as I stuffed my cold toes into the damp boots. “I’m going back outside.”

  “Again? You’ll catch your death out there.”

  Saying nothing, I walked out into the cold, with a tear spilling over before I could stop it. Anger and irritation and a decade of issues bubbled beneath the surface. I whirled away and knew I’d never had control in the first place, not when I let my emotions take over.

  Why the hell had I come home?

  To see Nolan, yes, but to prove I could handle myself. A day trapped within four walls and my resolve melted. A dangerous cocktail of pushing and pulling in opposite directions.

  The front door slammed shut, the sound accompanied by a sinking feeling in my gut. I tried to tiptoe out of the line of sight before I was discovered.

  If the rain stopped and I left in the morning, that would be the end. No more strain, no more trying to do the right thing and being torn.

  A hand came down on my shoulder. Hard.

  I yelped, almost jumping out of my boots, one hand going reflexively to my heart. “Damn! Don’t do that!”

  Nolan had a hat pulled low over his face, his cheeks red. His eyes narrowed when I lifted a fist. Then he let out a laugh. “You don’t need to scream so loud. It’s only me.”

  “Well, I didn’t know it was you,” I put in peevishly. “What are you doing?”

  “I came out here to talk to you. You were trying to sneak away. Next time, how about you turn around and have an adult conversation?”

  I could see this wasn’t going to be pleasant. If the undercurrents of our chat this morning gave me anything to go on, I wasn’t the only Quade child gearing up for a round. “If you want to talk, then we can go back inside.” I gestured toward the door with a shrug. “We’re not leaving for a while. And it’s freezing out here.”

  The dark look on Nolan’s face stopped me in my tracks. “You have a lot of nerve.”

  The setup for the pitch. “What did you say?”

  His eyes were the same shade as mine, usually crinkled in joy. Now they could bore holes into everything they saw, including me. “I expected the meddling from Mom, but not from you. She always runs her mouth about getting us married off and giving her grandbabies, but you…”

  “Me, what?”

  “You don’t have to follow behind her like a trained horse. I thought you were like me.”

  “Like you?” I shook my head. “I’m not following.”

  Nolan acted as though I already knew the answer and was playing stupid on purpose. “You’re not dumb, and you’re not a quitter, but now I see you can’t handle yourself when there’s a good-looking man in the room. You gave me your word, Nellie. You fucking promised!”

  I had
a sick feeling in my gut and my fingers felt numb. I had to work to breathe, each inhalation feeling like shards of glass. “Look, it’s not what you think.”

  “No more bullshit,” Nolan exclaimed. “I thought you would take my side.”

  Sanity is a tiny spring bud ready to bloom. Mine got stomped. “Nolan, I have no idea what you’re talking about right now.”

  “Kai.”

  His mittens curled into fists and I was reminded of him as a boy. Toddling along behind me with color rising in his cheeks and a curl peeking out from beneath his hat. Except this wasn’t a child. This was a man who meant business. He had a target in mind and a steady aim.

  “What about Kai?”

  “Keep your paws off him.”

  I held my hands up in front of me. A shield. “I already told you, I’m staying away. I don’t know what else you want me to do.”

  “I want you to actually do it, instead of sneaking off like kids to the upstairs bedroom, or out on a walk where it’s just the two of you. Don’t think I haven’t noticed how you’ve been keeping your distance from me. Or how you skulk around with Kai when you think I’m not looking.” He pointed a finger at my face. “I see how you are, and what’s more important, I can see what you aren’t saying.”

  “Oh God, and what do you think happened up there in the bedroom, Nolan? Besides a good argument. Yeah, we went for a walk in the woods, but so did you! It’s not against the law.” I saw now exactly how this affected him. Sure, he was damn sweet most of the time, but I’d managed to do the one thing it took to thoroughly piss him off.

  Encroach on his territory.

  Face flushed and veins throbbing in his neck, Nolan confronted me. “You aren’t getting it through your thick skull. He means a lot to me. He means more than you can understand.”

  “I know! You’ve told me a thousand times! Between you and Mom, I’m tired of being in the middle of this tug of war. I’m not interested in Kai.”

  There it was. I was nothing but a disgusting liar. Despite my better judgment, and a wealth of shortcomings from both parties, I had a desire for him.

  I closed my eyes for a few erratic breaths. My broken heart was a howling torrent of wind buried deep inside.

  I wished Kai had never focused his attention on me.

  It was smarter to turn away and leave him to Nolan, whether it was Kai’s choice or not. I shifted my stance. “When will you believe me?” I pleaded.

  Nolan clenched his fists. “When you tell me the truth. I can see you mooning over him. It’s not right.”

  A wry sneer rose to the surface and I deliberately turned to face the opposite direction. “You’re insane.” I wanted to shrug out of my jacket and take off running, freezing temperatures or not. The borrowed boots fit too snugly, the scarf was itchy around my neck, the jacket tight. I fought the urge to rip it off.

  Nolan made a scoffing noise in his throat. “I have eyes, Nell.”

  “And they need glasses, apparently.”

  I shoved past him, moving toward the house.

  He followed behind, close enough I could smell whatever cologne he’d spritzed on. “I’ve spent enough time with Kai to know when something has attracted his interest,” he went on. “Although I never would have guessed it in a million years, it seems to be you.”

  Okay, enough was enough. I was used to trading little verbal hooks with Nolan. To behaving the way siblings do when they are at each other’s throats. But the insult rocked me. Had me hoisting my shield and spear higher.

  “Why wouldn’t you have guessed?” I rounded on him. “Because I’m such a hard person to love?”

  The outburst shocked him. I had a rush of satisfaction when blood scuttled to his cheeks. It had nothing to do with the cold. His eyes were angry, his mouth drawn into a thin line. Even his scarf looked furious. “Stop being selfish,” he argued.

  “Answer the question, Nolan.”

  “Screw you. This is about me and Kai.”

  The air wasn’t still now. It was alive, shimmering in streams of smoke and ice. Despite the layers I’d piled on, my outer extremities were freezing. If I stayed still any longer I’d have black fingers and toes. The ice reached for me, determined to suck the life out of me.

  My insides vibrated. “You don’t think I deserve to be loved.” I headed for the house. “Do you?”

  “You really don’t know when to let up.”

  “Answer me.”

  He caught up to me and pointed to my head. “This isn’t about you!”

  “I’m not the nicest or the prettiest or the tallest,” I conceded, “but is it so hard to believe that someone might love me?”

  “This someone, yes!” Nolan fired, the sharpness of his tone stopping me in my tracks. Before I had a chance to turn around he had me by the arm. “It’s insanely hard to believe.”

  “Why?”

  “Do I need to Scrabble it for you?”

  “Nolan—”

  “Because I’m the one he kissed!”

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  The difference between jealousy and fury is subtle, yet distinct once you know what to look for. Nothing, I admit, nothing could have shocked me more than those six simple words.

  Nolan and Kai sitting in a tree…

  To put it mildly? Pure, unadulterated shock.

  Between jealousy and fury, fury warred for supremacy, both of them firing at will, and the explosion would have bitten us both in the ass had it not been for the thick wall of astonishment blocking it.

  “He…what?” The ridiculous spike of jealousy was unexpected. The battle still raged.

  Nolan rubbed his hands together, more nervous than cold. “We made out, all right? I didn’t want to say anything in front of you because it would have made things weird.” He eyed me with disgust. “Then you had to go and flirt with him.”

  “What do you mean, he kissed you? Kai is straight.”

  He had to be straight. He was meant for me.

  Nolan released my arm with such force I nearly stumbled into the side of the house. His expression changed, softened. He risked a glance at me and it was like he’d never seen me before. “I thought the same thing. Then one night we were talking and…it happened. There was wine involved, sure, then one thing led to another. I couldn’t stop myself. He’s the sweetest man.”

  “The…sweetest…”

  “And one hell of a kisser.”

  No! My brain felt like a pile of sponges, mushy and wet and unable to process properly. It was impossible to act. Only to react.

  “So he’s…gay.” My knuckles were white, digging into my sides until it hurt to release them.

  “Well, he folds his underwear and wears eyeliner sometimes. I’m actually not sure if he’s gay or just bisexual. And you know I have a pretty keen eye. I’m surprised you didn’t get a feeling when you met him.”

  I hadn’t gotten a feeling, no, other than the immediate twist of lust. “I’m gonna be sick.”

  I felt his hands on my shoulders, forcing my head down. Like a good brother, Nolan maneuvered me into a squatting position with my head tucked between my knees. “Breathe.”

  The one he kissed, the one he kissed… Stars exploded behind my tightly closed eyes, brilliant white spots blooming in a sea of black. A shudder ripped through me. Oh Christ, I couldn’t breathe. My chest had locked up. My mouth was wide open, gasping. Nothing was coming. There was no air to draw in. Was it possible to have a heart attack before thirty?

  “Keep your head between your knees and breathe, Nellie. Come on, try to concentrate on the sound of my voice and stop being dramatic.”

  I held up an arm to stop Nolan before a second round of argumentative bullshit, and the movement must have unlocked my chest cavity just enough. I finally began sucking in air. I would live through this.

  It was no business of mine what Kai chose to do in his life.

  Except it was.

  It took effort to rise, to straighten my legs and shoulders and pretend the cold air d
idn’t sting the tears in my eyes. “Tell me you’re lying.”

  Nolan’s answer was a shrug. “I wish I could, judging from your reaction, but I’m not. What’s wrong with your fingers?”

  “Frostbite, probably.”

  I wrung my hands together to get the circulation going again. The image of Kai and my brother, limbs and lips locked, invaded my mind and had me wanting to wretch again. He’d used those lips on me. He’d been inside of me. Now it seemed like an invasion and not the beautiful act it had been, though I hadn’t realized it at the time. No amount of scrubbing would scour away those stains.

  “But I can’t tell if it’s from the weather or from you,” I said at last.

  Nolan scowled, a vulture perched and waiting for the living to depart so he could feast. Feast on the remnants of my reluctant regard for Kai. “I don’t have any power over your damn fingers.”

  “Want to bet?”

  “Try to focus, Nellie, honestly.” He leaned back, ripping off his hat and running his hands through his hair, staring up into the sky as if with a silent prayer. “We have to fix this.”

  “There’s…there’s nothing to fix.” I swung my fists into my thighs again and again and again. Slapping at the snow and ice that still clung to me, and scowling against the glare. “Nothing.”

  “Be honest.” He reached out and tugged me closer when I tried to bolt. I know he wanted me to accept what he’d said, but there was no way to reconcile it. Reconcile the brutal truth. “You wouldn’t be this upset if it were only a fling.”

  “It’s none of your business.”

  “Wrong. If it has to do with Kai, it is my business,” he said. His gaze flashed to me with enough strength to burn. “You did something. What was it? Tell me right now.”

  “You’re a real ass, cornering me out here. You’re not the only one with hurt feelings.” I shook until he was forced to let go of me. “If there was ever a hint of something between us, it’s over and done. He’s all yours. Is that what you want to hear? Take it or leave it,” I snarled.