Life is a Beautiful Thing (4-Book Box Set)

by Harmon Cooper

  “My child,” he begins. He motions his head at someone behind me. “Why have you come to me?”

  His accent is thick and ancient. The room is olive and distorted faces move in and out of the walls like flags in the wind. I can smell his tea; it reeks of spice and faraway places. There’s a swelling sound in my left ear. The sound inflates through my skull cavity and escapes through my right ear. I steady my gaze on the Indian man. He yawns and strokes his beard.

  “I didn’t come to you,” a voice answers from my mouth.

  Maybe this is my conscience speaking – the bastard shows his face! I’m in too bizarre of a state to answer trivial questions. My eyes are still burning from the tear gas, my mind is gelatinous from the pollutes, my head hurts from being slammed onto the table, my nose stings like someone stuck their fingers in a jar of cayenne pepper and jammed them into my nostrils.

  “Then why are you here?” he asks.

  “Why are you here?” I counter. The voice is doing better than I thought!

  “I’m here because God wills it.”

  “I’m here unwillingly because God willed it,” I tell him.

  “We’re all here unwillingly because God willed it.”

  “God is willing me to vomit,” I say, feeling something rise in my stomach.

  “God has willed many things.”

  “God has killed many things.”

  “Many things have killed themselves under the false disguise of God.”

  “Many things have killed themselves under the true guise of God.”

  “God created spoonerisms and chiastic rhetorical devices,” he reminds me.

  “God has created many devices including vibrators and pollution masks and novelists that write about such peculiar things.”

  “Trying to beat God in a contest is like trying to beat yourself in a contest and hoping for a reward,” he says calmly.

  “There is only one contest I know of that you can beat yourself at and there’s definitely a reward.”

  “The juice which holds the key to all of God’s children.”

  “I thought he only had one.”

  Yeshi’s guru grins. “You know so much for a young man. The world is your oyster; your actions have no repercussions. You are a God among fools, a pearl in the ocean.” Yeshi brings him a bowl of curry and rice. He sticks his fingers in the bowl and starts scooping the mess into his mouth. The smell of curry makes my stomach churn.

  “You’re a living stereotype,” I mumble at him. The words spilling out of me are not my own. They seem to come from distant galaxy within.

  “A stereotype of what my child?” he asks, with a mouth full of rice. Some of the rice falls onto his orange kurta.

  “Of an Indian guru.”

  He laughs, “You’re clever and so is God. You’re the stereotype of an addict.”

  “Who isn’t addicted to addiction?”

  “This is a good question, but out of the two humans in this room, one is on the verge of vomiting and the other is on the verge of finishing a bowl of rice.”

  “Which you very well may vomit up later.” I start to grow agitated with the Indian man. I didn’t come here to have a religious debate. I came here to … I came here to … well I was brought here but still, I’m not interested in a conversation on the ontological nature of things in this tragically fucked world of ours.

  “Life is a beautiful thing,” he says as he licks rice off his fingers. Little chunks of rice are stuck to his mustache.

  “Sex is a beautiful thing,” I say. I look away from his crusty mustache. Why is he eating like an animal?

  “Sex is an act of God.” He shovels more rice into his mouth.

  “God’s a virgin.”

  “Oh my child … ” he laughs again. “When will you learn that being cynical is about as useful as being stupid?”

  “When will you learn that being holy is about as useful as being cynical?”

  The guru turns to Yeshi, “Your friend is a clever man. A sad, drugged out man, but witty nonetheless. He’s cunning, the same way that a fox getting lost in his own hole is cunning. Why did you bring me such a man?”

  “I thought you could help him, Guru,” Yeshi says.

  “Impossible. How am I to help a man such as this?” he frowns. “What am I to do for him?”

  “I thought you could teach him meditation, like how you taught me.”

  The man laughs so hard that he nearly falls over. “Meditation? Teach this man meditation? Look at him! How is he to learn anything except for what he wishes to teach himself? Don’t be so foolish my electronic child. I have taught you better than that.”

  “I just thought … ” Yeshi says, with no real show of emotion.

  “I have nothing more to say to this devil of a man. Return him to me when he is cured. Only then will I be able to mold him.”

  I try to stand but start to lose my balance. “The devil is in the eye of the beholder,” I tell him.

  “So is God,” he says with a wave of his hand.

  THIRTY ∞

  “You’re such a funny girl,” Noah said. He’d just finished making Nelly an extra dry non-fat sugar-free vanilla pineberry cappuccino with half an Equal steamed to 161 degrees. They were in her apartment, two hours after the incident at the pollution bar. Nelly was resting on a white Prada Monsiegneur Sofa. She was still wearing her razor thin sunglasses. In front of her was a thin television, mounted to the wall and currently broadcasting an advertisement for BainFox Capital.

  The girandoles in the hallway leading from the front door flickered lightly. “You’re the only one who tells me that.” She turned to the large windows of her apartment, half covered by tussore-silk curtains. Downtown LA was bustling as always. “The only one … ”

  “You seem lonely.” He handed her the cappuccino on a small white plate.

  “I am lonely.”

  “Oh poor girl … ”

  “I’m horribly lonely right now. If it weren’t for you, Noah, I’d fling myself from the top of this building. If I didn’t have this baby … ”

  “Oh don’t say that honey!” Noah sat down next to her and started to pat her back. “No need for that kind of talk…”

  “But it’s just … it’s just …”

  “Just what?” he asked.

  “Just not fair … ”

  “What isn’t?”

  “I’m too young for this, too young to be carrying this baby.”

  “I know you are dear, but soon it will be born and after a little nursing, Antimeria can hire a pair of Humandroids to take care of the baby. You’ll be young again before summer comes around.”

  “I just … ” Nelly closed her eyes. “Antimeria is calling. Should I pick it up?”

  “Do you feel like talking?”

  “Not really … but I might as well,” she said, opening her eyes.

  “I guess you should pick it up then … ”

  “Hello,” she said sharply.

  “Darling, how are things?” Antimeria asked. She heard giggling in the background. His video feed was disabled.

  “Where are you?”

  “Business, darling, business.”

  “Why are you calling right now? Why’s your video feed disabled? Shouldn’t you be off fucking a ladyboy Humandroid?”

  “What?” he started to shout. “Can’t I call my wife anytime I want?”

  “It’s late. What do you want?”

  “Nel, what are you doing?”

  “Drinking an extra dry non-fat sugar-free vanilla pineberry cappuccino with half an Equal steamed to 161 degrees courtesy of Noah.”

  “That’s a mouthful.”

  “I’m sure you’ve given plenty of mouthfuls.”

  “What!? Did you go out tonight?”

  “Why?”

  “Just answer my question, dammit!” he said. Nelly heard laughter again.

  “Yes, briefly. I was supposed to meet Mimidae but some assholes fucked that up. She’s coming here now.”


  “What do you mean by some assholes?”

  “I was talking to a friend and some mobster wannabe cocksuckers showed up.”

  “Did you mace them?”

  “Sure, why the hell not? They were bastards anyway.”

  “Damn it! You’re so … ” he took a deep breath. “Okay, look, I have no idea how to say this.”

  “You aren’t my dad. I can deal with my own problems.”

  “Okay, those assholes you maced worked for Sauria, well not Sauria directly but MercSecure. They were MercSecure representatives.”

  “Like I care.”

  “Were you talking to a guy named Meme?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Yes or no? Quit fucking with me.”

  Nelly laughed. “Quit fucking with you? Tell your butt buddy Sauria to quit sending goons out to find random people. Who the hell does he think he is anyways?”

  “Look. This Meme guy is a menace. He’s dangerous. You got it? I don’t want you ever seeing him again. He might try and kill you. Any information you have on him should be forwarded to me. He’s a terrorist!”

  “Haven’t you tried to look him up on GoogleFace? Why should I help you?”

  “All his information is blocked. He doesn’t have much info online anyways and he’s been wearing a chip-masker as of late. Look, I don’t want you seeing this guy. If he sends you messages let me know. Got it?”

  “But papa … ” Nelly laughed.

  “Stop it! I’m not trying to be your father. I’m trying to be your husband. Sauria is after Meme. He’ll be … removed … by the end of the week.”

  “Removed? You guys are crazy.”

  “Don’t I take care of you? Don’t I provide you with everything you could possibly desire?”

  “Telling me who I can and can’t see … ” Nelly shook her head. “It seems vaguely familiar … ”

  “This Meme guy is a threat to society. They still exist, you know? Look, let’s have dinner soon, okay? Maybe tomorrow night? We can talk this through.”

  “Wow, you have time for me now? I can’t believe it! You’re actually willing to cancel your date with a ladyboy whore for me, your pregnant wife who is about to give birth? I feel so wanted!”

  “I don’t hang out with ladyboys,” he said, “and I don’t know what makes you think I do.”

  “It’s not hard to figure out – we share a bank account. You should be careful which account you pull money from next time.”

  “Th-that wasn’t for me!” he stammered. “That was for a friend, a friend! Business, sweetie, that’s all. The business world works in disturbing, mysterious ways.”

  “Yes, I know this. Actually, I know quite a bit about the business world. If you paid more attention to me, you would see just how much I know.”

  “Sure you do, Nelly … ” he said, chuckling. “There’s a lot of business at that spa in Mexico … ”

  “Look, next time you’re getting your dick sucked by a Humandroid slut I want you to remember I’m carrying your daughter, all right? Bye and fuck you.” Nelly disconnected the call.

  “What a bastard. Men are such … you know … ” She stopped herself from going on a rant. “Oh, screw it … ”

  “I know, sweet girl, I know,” Noah said. “If only they could figure out how easy it is to get along with women. It just takes a little patience … ”

  “And effort,” she said, finishing his sentence. “Sometimes a little champagne too.”

  “And maybe a new whale skin purse!”

  They both laughed. Noah sat down next to Nelly and she hugged him.

  “Thanks for always being there for me,” she said. Tears came, but she managed to hold them back.

  THIRTY-ONE∞

  This is going to be awkward, I think, opening the door to my office.

  I didn’t see Tyro in the hallway that connected our private offices, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t here. It’s nearly four in the afternoon, and I’ve been awake all of two hours. I’m groggy, but things could be worse.

  My eyes are still bloodshot from the tear gas, my body hurts from fucking, my mind is reeling from the pollutes and I’m still in the process of piecing together what actually happened last night. I press my finger against a small pad next to the door and hear the lock click. I open the door, quietly, hoping not to draw any attention to myself.

  “Meme,” Tyro says. He’s sitting at my desk with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

  _∞_

  Sauria was in a small diner on the top floor of the BlackAguaUSA building waiting for Antimeria. As he drank a glass of sea buckthorn aloe water, he rubbed the place on his neck where Meme had choked him a week ago. His neck still hurt, even after two nuru massages and some pain medication. It was starting to keep him up at night. Even worse, wearing his Burger King crown gave him a headache. He’d paid a small fortune for that vintage crown – it was used in one of the BK commercials in 2004.

  The waiter walked by with the shark kebab platter and placed it on the table. The kebab lay flat like a pancake; the falafels were cut into tiny slivers and arranged in a pattern around the slices of farm-raised shark, kimchi cucumbers and tomatoes.

  Sauria picked up his knife and began sawing through the shark. He gazed out the window as an advertisement aeros team passed. Each vehicle had a different word painted across the side. As they moved in a series, the vehicles spelled out advertisements to people sitting in their aeros.

  Buy~Your~New~Tesla~Aeros~At~

  Sauria looked away.

  The sun was hidden by the VirginAT&T Megacon, an oval shaped building with a fifty story tall LCD screen that flashed ads. The building had been erected directly across from the BlackAgua USA building, which kept the building cool during the afternoon. The lights from the VirginAT&T Megacon illuminated the small diner in a variety of colors. The lights were distracting and looked bizarre when cast against his falafel. Sauria waved the waiter over and asked him to put up the blinders.

  The waiter nodded and pressed a button on a remote control attached to his apron. The jalousie covering the window near his table rotated. An earth-toned light flicked on above the table.

  Sauria had just finished talking with Gyatson, the MercSecure representative who had almost caught Meme the previous night. His company had tracked Meme to the BlackAguaUSA building, the same building he currently sat in eating his lunch. They would find him today, Gyatson had informed him, and had already filed the correct documents for record deletion.

  As the single largest shareholder in MercSecure (the other being the Federal Corporate Government) and the largest shareholder in ExEx (Executive Executions), Sauria knew just where to turn to have this little stain on society removed. Meme was a threat, a low-level terrorist, and like any terrorist, he was most beneficial to society in a coffin. He knew firsthand how future terrorists began their descent into uncivilized hell. He understood this better than most.

  After working in the electronic publishing industry for a while, Sauria pursued a PhD in Terrorist Studies and Prevention at Stanford. His favorite saying left little breathing room: once a terrorist always a terrorist, reform isn’t an option. The FCG and other security analysts learned this during the ISIL threat of the 2020s. There had been no way of correcting those Quran-waving misfits. The Old Testament was inevitably revisited – an eye for an eye made the whole world see. Drone. Drone. Drone. Drone.

  To help in the peace efforts, ExEx’s research branch closely monitored GoogleFace and other social media websites. The fact that his company (a Business Executives for National Security number one rated company for eight years in a row) was unable to obtain information on Meme was as frustrating as it was telling. This Meme guy was up to something; he was probably plotting some sort of attack or working with a group of insurgents. He had to be stopped. He had to be deleted before the general populace was affected, before innocent blood was spilled.

  “What are you thinking about, old pal?” Antimeria said.

&nb
sp; Sauria was so lost in thought that he hadn’t seen him enter the restaurant. “This menace to society … ”

  “Meme?”

  Antimeria sat down across from him.

  “Yes.”

  “Your falafel looks good. I’ve never had it here, how is it?”

  “Decent, but fuck this falafel. Meme is what counts right now. They say they’ve tracked him to this very building. He’s here, Anti, flesh and blood.”

  “Really?” Antimeria looked at a holographic menu that had emerged from a small red slit on the end of the table. He reached towards the menu and waved his hand. The menu turned to the next page. ‘so today then? It should be easy to find him now that we know where he is.”

  “There are thousands of people in the building and it’s America. If this were anywhere else, a missile would have already leveled the place.”

  “I can’t believe my wife has been associating with scum like this.” Antimeria pointed at a Kobe steak pizza on the menu. The holographic menu changed from white to blue, which indicated his order had been placed. He selected sea buckthorn aloe and the menu changed from blue to green. “It just goes to show you how stupid women can be.”

  “Yes, she needs to be careful … ”

  “If something comes up, just postpone the investigation until after she has given birth. Once the kid is here, I really don’t care what happens to her … ” Antimeria said.

  “Consider it done.” Sauria burped and reached for his drink.

  “I can’t stand the woman. I talked to her last night and she was so fucking rude to me. I’m sick of it. Just sick of it.”

  “I think it is time we started monitoring her trips across the border. Any idea why she goes so much?”

  “She says there’s a spa there that she likes and boy does it cost a shit-ton.”