Life is a Beautiful Thing (4-Book Box Set)

by Harmon Cooper

  Heidi and Lorem instantly stood. Meta remained in her chair, picking at her nail. “I’m not ready to leave,” she said nonchalantly.

  Ipsum (to Sauria): I can have her temporarily disabled. That chair is equipped with a Humstun device. I purposely had her sit there. I’m a little overwhelmed right now. Plus, I’m supposed to have another conference with the Saudis this afternoon about the death of Prince Al Omid.

  Sauria: Relax, Lorem, I put you in charge of MercSecure because you can handle these things. A real CEO spits in the face of danger. Let me see what she has to say. Besides, if she tries anything, we can activate the Dl agent in her spine.

  Ipsum: And if she’s killed, there’s always her brother. He hasn’t finished his training yet, but he will soon.

  Sauria: Exactly. Let’s see what our little creation has to say. With the possibility of Meme being alive, as well as the issues stemming from yesterday’s imbroglio in Mexico, I’d like to handle the Bleak situation as quickly as possible.

  “Sit back down, Lorem.” Sauria said.

  “Anything from me?” Heidi asked.

  “Yes, a zebra mocha latte if you will. No whip, as close to two hundred degrees as you can get it.”

  Heidi nodded. “Mr. Ipsum?”

  “Just some mineral water.”

  Meta said, “I’ll have some mineral water too. I need to rehydrate.”

  Heidi turned to the door.

  “Well?” Sauria clasped his fingers together over his desk. His eyes jumped from the mesmerizing twitch of Heidi’s well-rounded derrière to Meta.

  “You’ve spent an enormous amount of money creating me and you’ve already sent someone after Bill Bleak when he was in LA, have you not?”

  “That’s classified.”

  “So you have. Well in that case, I think it is time that you finally get your money’s worth.”

  “Go on,” Sauria said.

  “How ironic would it be if I personally eliminated your Bill Bleak problem?”

  Sauria looked to Lorem.

  “Think about it,” Meta said, her eyes back on her nails. “What would happen if I met Bleak? He is, after all, your primary nemesis, is he not? Unleash me. Let me do what I was built to do.”

  FORTY-ONE∞

  Sunglasses at breakfast to cover my swollen lids. Memito is dunzo for the day and the eggs haven’t even started sizzling yet. This is your brain on drugs, any questions?

  Yes. Wait, no.

  Mum’s the word professor – just watching my fine-ass belle not quite Michelle and she don’t care if I can speak French or not. Yeshi on my right, Nelly across from me with a baby in her arms, Noah in the kitchen getting his Chef Boyardee on, Dr. Hewman staring at me curiously and Tim7 with a scowl on his face – somehow I’ve found myself under the harsh light, being interrogated as to what happened last night.

  “Personally, I blame the snail,” I say after a moment of much needed silence.

  “Of course you do.”

  “Hey, Yogi Bear,” I say to Sourpuss7, “isn’t all that spirituality shit you practice supposed to give you compassion?”

  “I am compassionate,” Tim7 says, “when compassion is merited.”

  “I’m not in the mood. It feels like someone took an acidic dump in my skull.”

  Nelly chuckles and I shoot her a grouchy look.

  “That’s one way to describe it,” Dr. Hewman says. “Well, I suppose we – Tim7 and I – should be honest with you.”

  “When’s breakfast coming?” I call out. The scent of sizzling bacon reminds me that while hangovers do exist, there are still reasons to remain alive. I hate to say I’m queasy like Weezy after too much codeine, but if the addiction fits …

  “Hold your horses, Meme,” Noah says from the kitchen.

  The horses have escaped from the stable and I’m lying face down with a hoof print in my ass – these horses cannot be contained.

  Dr. Hewman says, “I checked the snail, and he seems to be unaffected by last night’s festivities. Still, we should be honest with you … ”

  “Good, I’m glad the snail’s doing better than I am,” I grumble.

  “It’s just so irresponsible,” Tim7 says, “so human.”

  Dr. Hewman smiles at the Humandroid. “We spoke about this.”

  “Yeah, lighten up,” I say, squeezing Yeshi’s hand.

  “Everyone relax,” the good doctor says. “Let’s just put it out on the table, shall we?”

  We shan’t! I want to yell; instead I nibble at my bottom lip, staring at the doctor’s fuzzy beard through my tinted sunglasses.

  “Meme, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, I told you about that snail for a reason.”

  “You did what?”

  “If I hadn’t told you about the red snail, you would have never licked it.”

  “Now that’s not exactly true … ” I say.

  Yeshi squeezes my hand; I turn my head to her and force a smile. Not only am I starting to feel like a chump, I’m also starting to realize that I am much closer to the village idiot in this group than the man behind the curtain. Well, I never was the man behind the curtain, but still – it sucks realizing you suck as a human being.

  “So – you wanted me to dose myself?” I ask.

  Dr. Hewman looks at Tim7 and finally back to me. “I’m afraid so … the red snail has been used as a deterrent for alcohol addiction. The traditional healers of the island have used it numerous times to cure alcoholism. I thought, we thought … ”

  “Holy shit – is this an intervention?” I’m suddenly offended. “You tried to … tried to … ”

  “Not an intervention, but … ” Dr. Hewman shakes his head. “It was perhaps not as well-considered as it might have been, and I apologize.”

  “I don’t apologize,” Tim7 says. “Only a … human would lick a snail to get intoxicated.”

  The baby starts to sob. Damn you Rebel scum! The baby stops and my nerves return to their original positioned – derailed.

  “Were you in on this too?” I ask Nelly (and possibly Rebel).

  “No,” she says, “I just came downstairs and found you. That’s all.”

  And cuddled me. I can’t forget that, but now isn’t the time for wet or dry dreams.

  “So … ” Dr. Hewman asks. “How do you feel?”

  “I … I could have died! What the fuck is wrong with you people?”

  “No, you couldn’t have died. Red snail-licking has never killed no-one,” he malaprops with a slight smile.

  “There are more important things happening right now,” says Tim7.

  I take my sunglasses off and shake them at my former client. “Shut the fuck up for a minute. This is serious – you two took advantage of my … n”

  Yeshi laughs softly.

  “Hey!”

  “Of your what, Dr. Lamar?” Tim7 says mockingly.

  “Of my condition!”

  It’s Nelly chuckling this time.

  “Hey! This is serious; I have a serious problem here, people, and all you do is laugh?”

  She shrugs. “Sorry, Meme.”

  “Memito!” My arms come over my chest and I scowl at everyone around me. I’ve been bamboozled!

  “We all have our problems,” Dr. Hewman says, “I just thought – and yes, perhaps it was ill- advised in retrospect, but I just thought this would help you in some way.”

  “You think having a conversation with Papo the Bullet after my body has separated into an Asian and black version of myself is helpful?”

  “What?” he asks, suddenly alarmed.

  “Is that what happened?” asks Yeshi.

  “Yes!”

  “So that’s who you were talking to.” Nelly says, glancing to the doctor. Rebel uncurls a long, rolling belch that is surprising in its depth, volume and duration. Methinks that the NestleGer Non-GMO Kosher-Vegan-Halal Dairy-Free Simulated Imitation Ersatz Goat Milk Style Formula Supplement in the special Collector’s Limited Edition Licensed DisNike R2-D2 storage container th
at Drama Queen Noah made such a big production about obtaining may not particularly agree with little Rebelita.

  “You met … Papo’s spirit?” Dr. Hewman runs his hand through his beard.

  Tim7 shakes his head, rolls his eyes, crosses his arms over his chest.

  “It wasn’t his spirit!”

  I’m on the verge of tears now – never have I been so insulted. I’m hungry, dammit! Someone feed me!

  “Yes, it was,” the doctor says. “He lived here for years … he died here of complications due to AIDS.”

  Tim7 snorts, “This is ridiculous!”

  “What did he say?” Dr. Hewman asks, completely intrigued.

  “Well, I was going to tell the four of you until you essentially tricked me!”

  “Look, Meme, I know that you’re upset at what we did, but we – I – did it with the best intentions.”

  Damn the sizzling bacon in the kitchen. “Noah, hurry up!”

  “I’m cooking as fast as I can,” he calls out to me.

  “What did Papo tell you?” Dr. Hewman asks, his eyes narrowing on me.

  “He told me … he told me to … ” I gulp.

  “Yes?” Yeshi’s hand falls into my lap and she squeezes my thigh. Whilom enraged now hot to trot. White noise all around. Everyone is focusing on what I’m going to say next, even Rebel, who has since turned to me and stuck her thumb in her mouth.

  “He told me … he told me to …” I try and remember what we talked about. “Well, we mostly spoke about him. Or me? Well, I can’t really remember much aside from something about a snake.”

  “A snake?” Tim7 sighs audibly.

  The epiphany I had the previous night comes to me in a flash. “That’s right! Papo was telling me to fight the system from within and I thought of something – an idea – that could totally work, but it won’t be easy.”

  “What is it?” Tim7 asks.

  “You want disruption, right?”

  They nod.

  “I disrupt, therefor I am!” I say excitedly. “I could totally disrupt Sauria and his little empire if … ”

  “If what?” the good doctor asks.

  “If I were Sauria.”

  “If you were Sauria?” Nelly shakes her head. “I don’t understand.”

  “What if I forced a body-switch with Sauria, then I forced a data-switch. I’d essentially be in his fat ass body with his data. The sky’s the limit from that point. I become Sauria, body and data, and I … I … do what I do best at that point in bringing his empire down from the inside.”

  No one says anything.

  “Well?”

  “A complete switch with Sauria … ” Nelly says. Baby Rebel says “Blorp!” and deposits slightly used designer baby formula on Nelly’s shoulder.

  “Yes! That’s what I’m saying over here. Switch everything, body and data. BOOM! I am the fat cat and the rest is history.”

  Dr. Hewman nods. “This a brilliant plan. Crazy, but brilliant! It will take some planning, but I have a good feeling about this. Tim7?”

  “It is intriguing to say the least.”

  “What can I say? I’m a fuck up, the poster child of the late twenty-first century, a product of the Me Squared Generation. I’m good at being me and if you … if we want disruption, I think me is all we need, I mean, I think Meme is all we need. Or, well, you get my point.”

  “It does go along with our plan to disrupt the FCG and … ” Tim7 licks his teeth. “And it may prevent armed insurrection or civil war.”

  “But how?” Yeshi asks. “How can you even get Meme in the vicinity of Sauria?”

  “Heidi,” Dr. Hewman says, “his personal assistant. She’s been our informant for a few months now.”

  FORTY-TWO∞

  The MercSecure driver decreased his speed. His eyes flicked to his rearview mirror, to the woman sitting in the backseat. He summoned up some courage and asked, “You’re Rinchi, right?” He’d read about her on the messageboard that many of the employees traded information on.

  The woman smiled. “No,” she coyly said. “Guess again.”

  “Sorry, you look just like her,” he said. “I’m sure you’ve been told that before.”

  With self-driven cars, it was pointless to send the driver all the way to Seattle. However, MercSecure had a contract with the FCG that guaranteed they would spend sixty percent of their transportation budget on human drivers. This stipulation came from a 2071 law sponsored by two RepubCorp senators from Texas seeking to reduce the number of jobs lost to automation. The law had passed, but only with the stipulation that the FCG would subsidize ninety percent of the added cost of having a human workforce, a win-win situation for everyone except the taxpayers.

  The woman in the backseat wiped her bangs out of her face. “Tell me more about Rinchi.”

  “She’s a badass,” the driver said excitedly. “Well, I shouldn’t say it like that, but she is one of the newest reps and she already moved up thirty places. She and Keva – MercSecure’s top rep – went at it, and Rinchi even cut her tongue out – or cut her tongue out back! Let me put this in context – supposedly, Keva takes the tongues of her enemies as a trophy or something, and she took Rinchi’s tongue when they first met, just because … well, who knows, right? Anyhoo, when their mission was over, Rinchi jumped Keva and cut her tongue out. Sorry, I don’t mean to go on about it, but I’m a fan. I get a little worked up over this stuff.”

  “I see.”

  “Actually, there are a lot of rumors and hearsay about the two of them, but some of it’s definitely true. For example, another driver I know was coming back from a drop-off and says that they were both lying in the parking lot right out in front of Headquarters. They’d literally beaten the shit … oops, s’cuse me, ma’am … beaten each other to death, but he claims they were holding hands or something when he found them.”

  “They sound like lovers.” The woman closed her eyes briefly. “Not a lot of information about either on the server, aside from the fact that Rinchi is now in recovery.”

  “I heard something went down in Mexico … ” The driver dropped into the lowest airlane. He was a few miles away from their destination now. “What’s your name by the way?”

  “Meta,” the woman said.

  “Nice, and why are you going to Seattle? Or is that classified?”

  She shrugged. “It is classified, but I’ll tell you anyways. I’m going to pay a visit to an old friend and I’ll need your help.”

  “My help?”

  Meta smiled. “Just let me know when we are descending into the BlurYou office campus, okay?”

  “You got it! You know, and I’m sorry to be bothering you, you are one of the nicest reps I’ve met in a long time.”

  “Really? What’s your name?”

  “George.”

  “Thanks for saying that, George.”

  _∞_

  “I’m glad to see you recovering,” Bill Bleak said to Max, the South African Security Detail Team Leader who’d been the only survivor of the rooftop shoot-out when the MercSecure reps had assaulted Bleak in LA. He remembered the face of the Humandroid who had taken him hostage – Asian – but that was about all the info he had. This was why he was talking to Max; he’d come face-to-face with all of the MercSecure criminals. He’d be the one to know.

  “Let’s cut to the chase, Mr. Bleak,” Max said. “I’m experiencing significant discomfort, even with the meds, and there is one person who is responsible.”

  “Well, at least you’re alive.”

  “Alive with pain isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.” Max laughed, his deep voice resonating over the iNet call. His face suddenly hardened. “Keva did this to me. She’s MercSecure’s number one rep.”

  “Who else was on the rooftop? As you know my memory … ”

  “Two other women. One was Asian.”

  Bleak nodded. “That’s the one who held me hostage – a Humandroid.”

  “I’ve never seen her or the other one before.”

>   “How long until you fully recover?” Bleak asked.

  “It should be another week or so. After that, I’ll need some physical therapy, but that shouldn’t take long. Cybernetic Limb Technology has advanced considerably since the last time I had something replaced.”

  “Good. Well once you’re recovered, I’d like to hire you and a team of your choice to find and finish off this Keva and her two associates – especially the Asian Humandroid. Standard contract rates, and a fifty percent bonus “

  Max laughed. “You don’t have to pay me for that.”

  “Well, your team may not feel the same way.”

  A red light blinked above Bleak’s door. Blast shutters rolled down over his windows.

  “Something”s happening, I’ll speak to you soon.”

  His secretary cut in on his iNet call. “Sir! There has been a possible hostile incident in the parking lot! We are initiating lockdown now.”

  His door popped open. His heavily armed and armored eight-person security detail swarmed in. Six of them encircled his desk and faced outboard, weapons up and ready. The team leader and her assistant held Bleak’s personal security gear. “What is going on!?” Bleak shouted from behind his desk.

  “An aeros crashed into the parking lot, sir,” the team leader said hurriedly.

  “An aeros did what?”

  “Please stand, Mr. Bleak, arms straight out from your sides.”

  He stood and the team leader got him into his ceramic matrix nano-tube body armor in a matter of seconds; the assistant gently but firmly slapped on his mist mask and helmet.

  “Will someone please tell me what the FUCK is going on in the parking lot?”

  “An emergency, sir,” the leader said. “We’re going to move you down to the basement shelter.”

  “Take me to the parking lot!” Bleak ordered. “Now!”

  “Sir, protocol states … ”

  “Who pays you? Me or protocol? Captain, take me to the parking lot, and that’s an order!”

  “Very well sir,” the woman huffed, “but under protest.”

  “Noted. Let’s go.”