Crazy Ex-Ghoulfriend

by Angela Roquet

  “Yeah, I do.”

  “Must be nice.”

  I paused at my door. “Are you, you know, hungry... for anything?”

  She turned to glare at me. “I’m not craving brains, if that’s what you mean.”

  “No, that’s not what I mean. Not entirely, anyway. Seriously though, aren’t you hungry? Should I sneak some casserole up for you or something?”

  Matilda thought about it for a second. “I don’t really have an appetite at all. I don’t know why. I just don’t. Thanks anyway.” She smiled her creepy zombie smile at me, and I couldn’t help but smile back.

  “No problem.”

  I called myself every name in the book on the way downstairs. Why on earth was I being nice to her? She was ruining my life. She was robbing me of my friends and of Wayne. She was staining my very soul with moral degradation. What was wrong with me?

  I didn’t remember that I was still wearing makeup until I saw my dad’s face across the dinner table. “Well.” He cleared his throat. “That’s certainly a new look for you.”

  I scooped some shepherd’s pie onto my plate and gave him a lopsided smile. “Thanks? I think.”

  “Do you really think you need all of that to look pretty for the boys?”

  “I’m not wearing it for the boys. Honest, Dad.”

  “Then who are you wearing it for?” His brow crinkled up as he waited for my answer.

  “I’m wearing it for myself. I think it looks cool.” And the zombie hiding out in my closet said I have to or she’s going to make sure I spend the rest of my days in psych ward.

  “Well, okay, sweetie. It’s your face. Just so you know, I think you’re beautiful just the way you are.”

  “Thanks, Dad.” It was easy not to snap at my parents when they picked at my new look. I just reminded myself that they had the power to ground me, and so I bit my tongue.

  Chloe didn’t have that luxury. In fact, she didn’t have any ground to stand on at all now. I doubted the lipstick was going to be the last of her vengeance, but I was going to be ready for her tomorrow.

  I finished my dinner and started on my homework as soon as Matilda left for the shed. I was a little queasy about being nice to her, but I just couldn’t help myself. I even loaned her a pillow. I justified it by telling myself that this was all part of my master plan to destroy her. Whatever that was.

  The next morning, Matilda let me wear the pleated skirt I had bought with Danielle, but I had to save the scarf and the bracelet for a different day. She cut the neck out of one of my turtlenecks, turning it into an off-the-shoulder sweater that needed to be worn with a strapless bra. I didn’t have a strapless bra, but I did have a bandeau bikini top that I’d never been brave enough to actually wear to the pool. Matilda said it would work for now.

  Matilda also had me change up the makeup a little, skipping the charcoal shadow for a dark blue that matched the skirt. I was feeling pretty good about myself when I walked into Jasper High, until I realized that the looks I was getting were mostly accompanied by snickering grins. Had my mascara streaked? Was my bikini top showing through my sweater in the florescent lights? I raced off to the bathroom before a panic attack set in.

  I checked everything twice. I looked fine in the mirror, but I still wasn’t relieved. Something was off. I could feel it. The Ds burst through the bathroom door giggling that evil giggle of theirs that suggested treachery was underway.

  I quit squinting into the mirror and dug a powder compact out of my bag. “Morning,” I said casually.

  Danielle gave me an apologetic look, just as Denise cut in. “Good morning, Picasso.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Yeah,” Denise folded her arms. “Chloe Martin showed us some of your recent work. Really, exceptional.” She giggled and gave me a double thumbs up.

  If I hadn’t known that Matilda had my sketchbook, I might have actually been worried. “Chloe is an art geek, and she hates my guts. Use your brain for a change and figure that one out on your own.” I rolled my eyes and walked out of the bathroom looking like I didn’t have a care in the world. At least, I hoped that’s how I looked. Inside, I was shaking with anger. Chloe had been looking for my sketchbook, and when she hadn’t found it, she had forged my signature onto the bottom of who-knew-what.

  I found out that everyone knew what, once I got to my locker and found the sketch taped to the door. It was an imitation of one of my Wayne prom drawings. Of course, it was more detailed and to scale than anything I had ever drawn. It was a more traditional scene than one of my visions too, though Chloe probably cared less about originality and more about sabotage at this point. She couldn’t risk the Ds not being able to make the connection. The crowns on mine and Wayne’s heads brought the prom scene to full light.

  My stomach churned, but I managed a tight smile for the benefit of the hallway full of gawkers. I rolled my eyes and wadded the drawing up into a ball before dropping it to the floor. I fetched my English book out of my locker and headed to Mr. Hammond’s classroom.

  To my surprise, Denise waved me over to an empty desk. I almost ignored her, but I was just too curious. I needed to know how badly Chloe’s little jab had set me back.

  “Sit by me,” she said as the bell rang.

  I shrugged and plopped down at the empty desk. Mitch gave me a wink from behind Denise. She caught it and curled her nose up at him before tossing her hair over her shoulder. “Pig.”

  Mr. Hammond began class with a projection slideshow of grammatical rules that would be on our next test. With the lights dimmed down, Denise and I were able to whisper back and forth without getting caught.

  “So, how are you going to get her back?” she asked.

  “You’ll see.” I smiled the sort of smile I imagined Matilda did whenever she was plotting how to best humiliate me in public.

  Chloe had crossed a line, and I had been taking bitch lessons from the queen. She wouldn’t expect me to come back with a vengeance. Boy, was she in for a surprise.

  I couldn’t tell if Eddie and Wayne were still being awkwardly quiet or if I just didn’t notice as much with all the buzz going on in the lunchroom. Mitch didn’t just stop by our table today. He ate lunch with us, which in turn drew three cheerleaders and another jock to our table.

  “That Chloe Martin really has it in for you,” Amanda Hughes said as she picked at her salad. “She told everyone in our first period class that you still wet the bed.”

  “And she would know that how? You think I’d invite that freak over to my house?”

  “She also said that you don’t really have a college boyfriend.”

  “Well, it’s an awfully expensive restaurant I’m going to Friday. I sure hope it’s within my imaginary boyfriend’s budget,” I laughed.

  The table conversations all seemed to circulate around Chloe’s backstabbing gossip. I wanted to be mad at her, but without realizing it, she had just expedited my climb to the top. It hadn’t been intentional though, so I refused to feel guilty for what I was about to do.

  When the lunch bell rang, I left the cafeteria in a swarm of chattering people who probably hadn’t even known my name the week before. It was unnerving, but I smiled and laughed and went along with it. I lingered by my locker as long as I could, until the hall was mostly clear. Then, when no one was looking, I slipped back into the cafeteria.

  As expected, the lunch ladies were nowhere to be found. I hurried back to my lunch table and pulled out a chair, using it to step up onto the table. Lancelot’s white horse was just within my reach. I grabbed its legs and ripped the mascot down from the ceiling.

  I was awfully proud of myself for thinking this one up all on my own. I was going to pay Chloe back and remove the stigma of my lunch table all in one fell swoop. It was genius.

  Lancelot was deflated just enough that I was able to wad him and his horse up into a tight ball. I peeked out in the hallway to make sure there were no witnesses standing by. Then I ran down to Chloe’s locker. We had swapped com
binations earlier in the year so that we could use each other’s lockers if we needed to. I would definitely have to reset my combination before the end of the day.

  I crammed the blowup mascot in her locker and ran to my algebra class, finding my desk just as the bell rang. Danielle gave me a funny look as I regained my breath, and I winked at her. There were some definite brownie points in my future.

  Fallouts

  Chapter 15

  My heart was doing jumping jacks in my chest as the Ds and I loitered near the lockers after algebra class. I still hadn’t told them what I had done, but they hung around out of evil curiosity.

  Right on schedule, Chloe hurried downstairs from the art room. She went straight for her locker without looking our way. I held my breath and nodded to the Ds. They fell quiet. Denise nudged Mitch, and they all slowly turned to watch.

  For just a second, the glamorous veil of the popular entourage lifted, and I saw the ruse for what it was. These people weren’t any better than anyone else. They just knew how to paint a convincing illusion through spiteful torture, and now I was doing the same.

  I turned to watch with everyone else as Lancelot wheezed and sprang out of Chloe’s locker, slapping her in the face. She screamed, and the hall erupted in laughter.

  The Ds were beyond impressed. I laughed right along with them, even after Chloe glanced down the hall and spotted us. She knew it had been me. Everyone knew. She’d started it, I told myself to keep the guilt at bay. She thought she could boss me around by bullying me like Matilda had, but she didn’t know that I was Matilda’s protégé. She didn’t know that the makeup and clothes weren’t just a casual attempt to be popular. This was a mission.

  It would have been nice to have Chloe’s help, whether to infiltrate the Ds inner circle or to destroy zombie Matilda. I didn’t really want to do this by myself, but I couldn’t exactly tell her the truth. Besides, she had already proved that she was more interested in fighting than helping me.

  Chloe didn’t come to school Friday, but I didn’t think much of it. Friday was a big day. Mitch made one last attempt to talk Wayne and me into going to the party at Lovers Playground. I was infinitely cooler because I was skipping the party to go on a date with a college boy, and I didn’t have to be a nervous wreck over it, because if I got caught out on the town with Benny, I’d be in infinitely less trouble than if I got busted at the party.

  After school, Danielle gave me a ride home. I still wasn’t entirely sure where I stood with Denise, but she hadn’t been as snide lately, so it was a start. The Ds battle for the top of the pyramid had been put on hold with my cool new debut, and there was even a rumor going around now that I might be in the running. I couldn’t wait to tell Matilda.

  A dented postal package on the edge of my dresser caught my attention when I entered my bedroom. My closet door cracked open, and one of Matilda’s filmy fish eyes peered out for a second before she joined me.

  She heaved and rattled out a sigh of relief. “Your mom almost found me,” she whispered. “After she brought the package up, she started sniffing around and nearly opened the closet door, but the phone rang. Also, the Febreze is almost gone.” She lifted the aerosol can and spritzed the last of the pine forest fragrance under one arm.

  “I’ll grab another can after dinner.” I picked up the package and rolled it around, trying to find a good spot to rip into, but Matilda snatched it away from me and tore it in half, spilling the Ebay loot out on my bed.

  “I’ve been staring at it for two hours from your closet. I couldn’t take it any longer,” she answered my questioning gaze.

  We spread everything out on the bed and took inventory. The khaki miniskirt was really really short. There was no chance I’d get away with wearing that to school, but it was perfect for my fake date. My mom and dad would be leaving for Cleopatra’s long before Benny picked me up.

  The jean print tights were a little long, but no one would notice if I wore them with my fur boots. The blouses were made out of thin material, and they were short-sleeved. One was emerald green, and the other was a dark blue. I could wear my jean jacket over them, but it would still be chilly. The silver hooped earrings were big enough to fit around a can of soda. I thought they looked a little tacky, but once Matilda talked me in to trying them on, I was sold.

  We decided on the green blouse to wear with the miniskirt, and Matilda tied my hair back with the silk scarf I had picked up at Missy Hart. The shoe selection turned into a heated debate, but I finally convinced the Hun that it was going to be entirely too cold in Benny’s convertible to wear anything but my fur boots. I even persuaded her to let me wear a pair of tights, since I was pretty sure that the skirt was short enough to betray me and expose my underwear at some point in the evening.

  Wayne and his dad were playing catch in the front yard when Benny pulled up. They both paused to admire the rented convertible. I didn’t dawdle, for fear of Benny being recognized, but I did take the time to smile and wave. If I acted too suspiciously, Officer Russell would call my parents and ruin not only the whole night but the rest of my life.

  Wayne waved back, but he didn’t smile. He looked like he might be sick. It made me bubble with satisfaction, and it felt like payback for all the nights I had watched Matilda pick him up in her Camaro. Have a taste of your own medicine, buddy.

  After the glow of vengeance faded away, I finally took a good look at Benny. He was stunning and oozed effortless charm all over the place in his vintage suit jacket. It would have looked pretentious on a high school boy, but he rocked it. His hair was slicked back under a black fedora that matched his shoes and belt, and his face was clean shaven. If he hadn’t been gay and my cousin, I would have been swooning.

  Benny waited until we were down the road before he launched the first round of twenty questions. “Was that the boy you’re trying to impress?”

  “No. Well, he’s one of them. Sort of.”

  “Oh, my,” he laughed. “He’s a cutie. Who’s the other fella?”

  “Mitch Brown. The word is that he’s planning on asking me out, but I told him I have a college boyfriend.”

  “You don’t like this boy, I take it? Is it because you’re after the boy next door?”

  “Uh, something like that.” I gave him a half-cocked smile.

  Benny glanced away from the road long enough to grin at me. “So what is this, a ploy to keep one boy at bay while making another jealous? What makes you think that the same stunt will have the opposite effect on these guys? Is this Mitch kid a coward, or something?”

  “Not particularly. I guess I’d really like to make them both jealous.”

  “Oh, Janie. You have become a naughty girl.” He tipped his head back and howled out an amused laugh. His stark white teeth glowed in the dark. “It’s good to see you coming out of your shell.”

  Ten minutes later, we parked on the curb in front of Marco’s Italian Eatery. It wasn’t quite as fancy or expensive as we had originally planned on, but Matilda pointed out the fact that more of our classmates would be there versus an expensive restaurant, and the ultimate goal was lots of eyeballs to report back to everyone who went to the party, particularly the Ds and Mitch.

  As the hostess walked us across the dining room to a row of booths, I spotted Amanda Hughes and intentionally ignored her, even though she was ogling Benny with enough shamelessness that her own boyfriend, Clark Hanson, took notice and stuck a menu in front of her face to snap her out of it.

  There were other familiar faces at Marco’s, though none of them looked quite as priceless as Amanda’s had. Benny picked up on the atmosphere before I had a chance to explain.

  He leaned across the table and took my hand. “I see what’s going on here,” he whispered.

  “Okay, so maybe I didn’t give you the whole story, I just—”

  “Save it, sweet pea. I got you covered. You’re going to get your first lesson in theater tonight.” He winked at me and then cleared his throat at our waitress arrived. “We
’ll have two Cokes and one of those sample appetizer plates to start with.”

  I raised an eyebrow at him after the waitress left. “Did you really just order my drink? I don’t even like Coke.”

  “Good,” he said under his breath. “That will make the fight we’re going to get into as we’re leaving that much more believable.”

  “Fight? Why are we fighting?”

  “Because,” he rolled his eyes, “if your lover boys think our relationship is on the rocks, it will spice up the competition. If they think you’re blissfully in love, they’re more likely to just give up on you altogether. High school boys are chickens, generally speaking. They have to have a little motivation. You’ve gotta toss them a bone every now and then to keep their illusions going.”

  I was in awe of him. “Wow, you sound a lot like a girl I know.”

  “Correction, honey. She sounds a lot like me.” His grin widened, but he muted it as soon as the waitress returned with our drinks. “Have you made up your mind yet? God, and you wonder why I order for you,” he snapped.

  The shift was so sudden that I jumped, but I did my best to catch up. “I told you already. I’m just having the Caesar salad.”

  Benny sighed and rolled his eyes. “I’ll have the double order of ravioli.” He snatched up our menus and thrust them at the waitress.

  “You’re good,” I whispered once she was gone.

  Benny folded his arms. “I know. I was thinking maybe we could go out for ice cream after this. You could dump me, while I pathetically beg you to take me back. What do you think?”

  I giggled and bit my bottom lip to keep from smiling too widely. We were being watched from all angles. “I think you’re my favorite cousin.”

  “And don’t you forget it.”

  Benny was a saint. He was just theatrical enough to draw in an audience, but not so over the top that he was obvious about it. The ice cream stop was even better. I began to wonder why I had never taken an interest in theater before. Benny said I was a natural. I loved every second of it. I thought pretending with the Ds was a rush, but ripping Benny a new one over choosing the wrong flavor of ice cream was exhilarating. We laughed the entire way back across town.