30 Nights with God

by Deborah C. Cruce

  Did I believe these words? Harm had overtaken me and tragedy had come into my life. Could I defend these verses to someone else? Or did these verses only apply to Jesus? When the devil had tempted Jesus in the wilderness? Yet God had saved me from myself. I sat in deep thought a long while. Psalm 139 had filled me with peace. Psalm Ninety-One filled me with questions. I needed wisdom from someone more knowledgeable. I needed the Blessed Spirit’s assistance.

  Dream 23

  I was not on the bicycle path or in the meadow near the shed, nor at the beach. I was in the middle of a forest. The trees were tall and beautiful and so many that they almost blocked the sun. Full leaf-filled, thick-trunked hardwoods of various types. I stood in an open circle of sunshine, and as I looked around I saw trails marked in three different directions. What was going on?

  A movement caught my eye, and I watched as a large white dog bounded toward me, grinning and tail wagging. It was the largest dog I had ever seen. He ran right up to me and sat, lifting his paw to shake. He was almost completely white with a beautiful thick coat of fur and a beautiful plumed tail.

  I offered my hand and shook his paw. “Aren’t you the most beautiful dog? And smart too?”

  His bark startled me just a bit, but it was just a sharp one syllable as if he agreed with me. I let him sniff my hand before bending down to rub his head and ears, which produced a low moan of appreciation. My hand caught his collar, and I slipped it around to see his name tag.

  “Angel,” I read.

  He barked once more as if to say I’d gotten it right.

  Then he licked my face and turned away, walking off a few paces before looking back.

  “Do you want me to follow you?”

  His tail wagged and he came back, walking around me he nudged me from behind on my behind.

  “Okay then, let’s go.”

  The day was gorgeous. Warm, but not too warm. The trees were filled with birds chirping, and squirrels scurrying from limb to limb. I saw a variety of creatures as I walked. My dog companion loped ahead along the path and then would wait for me to catch up before moving along again. We kept a steady pace. My thoughts were peaceful though I was curious about our destination. I was in a God dream and content.

  After a while though I grew tired, and a bit thirsty, and I realized I was sweating. This had become an unplanned workout. I spotted a fallen log up ahead and sat down once I reached it. Immediately my dear guide was back at my side. He barked once, sharply, as if he were used to being obeyed.

  “I just need a few minutes rest. Okay?”

  He seemed to pause a minute staring at me intently, head tilted, and then he gently took my shirt between his teeth and pulled.

  “You are one determined herding animal, aren’t you? But I’m tired, Angel. Let’s rest just a minute.” I wiped my face with my sleeve and looked around. It really was beautiful. I had always loved trees and the life that lived within them. At home I kept a bird feeder for the birds, enjoying their presence and their songs. They were probably gone now. I would have to start over recruiting a new batch of birds.

  Shaking off a surge of melancholy, I looked around for anything pointing to a destination, but I saw nothing that indicated an end to my journey. Where was I? I remembered too late my Girl Scout training. When lost, hug a tree. But I hadn’t been lost, just in an unfamiliar dream. Dreams that had been guided by God. Where was He?

  “Hello God! Are you here? Or Jesus, are you nearby? Or Teacher maybe? Joshua? You have to be close because you are my guardian angel. But why would I need a guardian angel if I was with God?” I peered into the woods around me looking for any sign of my night time companions. I didn’t call for help because I felt certain they would be here directly or I would awake in bed.

  Angel nudged me again.

  Then I heard whistling. Faint, but definitely whistling. I remember telling one of the Trinity that Sean’s whistling always made me smile–as I was now—-because it made me think that the world was alright. So, who was headed toward me?

  My canine companion began pushing more intently.

  “Hey! Cut that out. Let’s wait here and see who is coming.”

  Looking back, it never occurred to me to be fearful or frightened. Still, as he strode into view, nonchalant, calm and unhurried, whistling a tune I remembered Sean whistling, I felt a distinct chill come into the area.

  Angel moved in front of me and sat down, his coat bristling from neck to tail, and a low growl of warning issued from his throat.

  “Hey?” I rubbed his neck. “That’s not very friendly.”

  “No, it’s not very friendly at all,” the stranger said. “And he is a very large dog.”

  His voice was deep, rich, and seemed familiar somehow, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

  “I’m sorry about that. We were expecting someone else. Who are you?”

  “A friend, Elizabeth.”

  “Sent by God?”

  He smiled. “Where are you headed?”

  I shrugged, my hand still on Angel’s neck in case I needed to catch hold of his collar. “Not sure. It appears as if I am to follow Angel here somewhere, but I’m not sure where.”

  “You’re headed toward the park, as am I; we can keep each other company.”

  “Sure.” I stood then and grasped hold of Angel’s collar. “I think Angel and I should go first, since he seems a bit uneasy with you.”

  He waved me ahead, and Angel and I turned back on the path again, yet now Angel stayed right beside me. After a moment I looked back over my shoulder. “You know my name, but I didn’t catch yours?”

  “Luke.”

  “Do you know why God isn’t here?”

  “Yes.”

  “Quite mysterious aren’t you?” As I looked back he sipped out of a water bottle. And my mouth was suddenly drier than ever. I think I licked my lips.

  He reached behind his back and pulled out another water bottle. “You look thirsty. Would you like a drink?”

  Luke handed the bottle to me, his dark gaze bright in the shadows of the forest. The chill that had been tracking with him seemed to envelope me. Angel sat at my feet between us still, that low rumbling growl there as a constant warning.

  Yet I failed to listen.

  I lifted the bottle and poured the sweet fresh cool water into my mouth and began sputtering almost immediately. I choked and coughed, trying to catch my breath. It wasn’t water.

  “Problem Elizabeth? Did it go down the wrong way?”

  “This is … is rum!”

  “Yes, yes it is. Isn’t that what you wanted? I thought it was your favorite.”

  I tossed the water bottle into the forest. I leaned forward, placing my hands on my knees, trying to steady my breathing. The rum in my mouth just sat there. The sweet strong taste of it sinking into the taste buds. I spit as much as I could out, yet it remained.

  He stepped closer, but Angel kept him from reaching out to touch me. He grimaced at the dog, but when his eyes met mine they were all charm and smiles again.

  “Don’t you remember how much you enjoyed that first glass of the day? When you woke up and Sean wasn’t there? But, oh, your dear friend Captain Morgan was. And then at lunch, when the others were talking about their kids, their families, their vacation plans, and you would sneak off to the ladies room and have a wee nip to take the edge off the pain? Here,” he offered another bottle. Seeming to produce it from thin air. “Just another sip for old times’ sake. It won’t hurt anything. You’re only dreaming.”

  “No,” I whispered. My mind seeing clearly all the images he was pouring into my brain as surely as he was trying to pour that liquor down my throat. I latched onto Angel’s collar. “Get us out of here, Angel.”

  Angel pulled me around and began to trot down the path dragging me with him. Unfortunately Luke was keeping pace.

 
; “Where do you think you are going anyway?” he asked. “This is simply a dream. Do you really think you are special enough for God to visit? Do you think you are worthy of Jesus to waste his time with? Do you really think the Holy Spirit lives in you? An alcoholic? A pathetic excuse for a mom and wife and woman? Do you?”

  The words flowed off his tongue and entered my brain without a fight at all. What was I thinking? I wasn’t! Angel kept moving us forward. I could see a clearing up ahead. Yet Luke’s words flowed around me, haunting me, dragging me back, weighing me down, and my steps grew slower despite the tugging of Angel. What was happening to me?

  What had he said? Something about the Holy Spirit living in me?

  I opened my mouth and cried out with all my might, though it came out as only a small weak cry. I watched as Luke flung his hands up before his face. “Isabeau! Teacher, I need you!”

  And Isabeau appeared on the path between Luke, and me and Angel. “Go quickly, sweet girl.”

  Angel and I ran. I was running alongside Angel now, seeing the clearing getting closer. Yet, it was obvious that the sky was darkening and I heard rolls of thunder in the distance. I looked back and saw no one behind us. Stunned, I stopped. Where had they gone?

  At my thought a bright flash of lightening lit the dark sky. Thunder rolled on its heels within seconds. The storm was almost on top of Angel and me. I ran again.

  We emerged into the clearing and in the valley ahead was a cabin with smoke coming from the chimney. I ran faster, yet something felt wrong. Where was God? Where was Jesus? Where had the Spirit gone? Why did I still feel threatened? I breathed hard. Tasting the rum still in my mouth.

  I looked back into the woods and there he stood, waving the water bottle at me in salute before taking a long drink and laughing menacingly. I stumbled to a stop. Had he hurt Isabeau? But he raised the bottle toward me and I could hear him as clearly as if he were standing right next me. “Just one little drink, Elizabeth. A toast to your dead family.”

  Sean. Hannah. Grief surged. I took a step toward him. It was crazy. Like I couldn’t control my feet. And then another. And another.

  Isabeau appeared next to me and reached for my hand. “Run!”

  We ran toward the cabin as the lightning and thunder clashed above us. I could hear the rain coming, feel it in the air. Then it was there, pouring over us, cold and heavy. A shiver ran through my body at the remembrance of Luke’s smile.

  The door opened as we hit the porch and closed quickly behind us. The Lord God Almighty offered us towels.

  I took the towel and began rubbing at my wet head and face. “What just happened?”

  “In a minute. There are dry clothes in the bathroom down the hall.”

  I turned to Isabeau, who was remarkably dry. “What just happened? What is going on? Why do I feel like you just saved my life?”

  “Go change. We’ll be here.”

  I looked between them both and realized I would get nowhere until I was dry. Turning away, I retreated to the bathroom. I closed the door behind me feeling patronized in some way. It was really ridiculous. They could make me dry, change my clothes, whatever they wanted. This was a dream.

  I sat on the toilet lid and removed my shoes and socks. A dream? I rolled the thought over in my mind. That is what Luke had said. When had I stopped thinking that this was a dream and began believing it was real? What was real?

  Confused and starting to feel angry, I went back to the main room. God sat in a comfy arm chair by the fireplace. “What happened tonight?”

  God looked me over. “Child, why didn’t you change clothes?”

  “Because none of this is real. I am not wet. I am in my bed in a thirty day rehab facility for depression and alcohol. I will wake up shortly and go about my day.”

  Of course you really don’t want to tell God he isn’t real. I woke up in bed all right. Soaking wet. In the clothes I’d been in in my dream. With no shoes or socks. Cold and alone. He had proven His point.

  Day Twenty-Four

  November 29

  “Girl?” Mabel called softly. “Elizabeth? What have you been up to?”

  I rubbed my eyes struggling to wake up. Feeling tired, cold, and wet, I tried to think back to the night just past. It surged through me in a split second. Luke. Isabeau. God … the storm. What had happened? I sat up. “Mabel?”

  A low growl had me focusing quickly. At the foot of my bed lay Angel and he was on high alert, watching Mabel. “Angel! Stop that. Mabel is a friend.”

  Angel laid his head down, but continued watching us.

  “Didn’t Doc tell you not to leave the facility?” Mabel took my wrist in her hand and started checking all my vital signs. She checked my eyes, ears, and throat and then started pulling off my wet clothes. “Didn’t she warn you she could extend your stay? And I have to tell her. I thought you were doing better.”

  I grabbed hold of her hands. “Listen, Mabel. I did not leave. I have not been drinking. Do you see any signs of drugs or alcohol?”

  “Well…not now … but …”

  “No buts. The storm last night …” I paused thinking what was real, what was here, what was with God … I wasn’t about to question God’s reality again.

  “Yes, what about the storm?” Somehow Mabel and I got me stripped down and into the shower. I used to be shy, but Mabel had hustled and bustled me into changing clothes so many times that I didn’t even think about it anymore.

  The warm water poured over me and I remembered the cold rain from last night. “I heard the thunder and saw the lightening. I used to be scared of it. Hannah was. My daughter. I …” I grasped for a reasonable story to defend myself. How could I explain being wet and having the dog?

  “I was outside and the rain was so cold. I was scared and Angel was there, too. Then I was back in bed and Angel was still with me. He helped me.”

  “How do you know his name?”

  I wrapped the soft white towel around my body and then wrapped my wet hair. I padded into the room and ran my hand around Angel’s neck, showing his collar and tag. “See, it has his name and address here. I wonder if someone is hurt there or he ran away.”

  Mabel reached toward the tag, but Angel issued a low growl. “Well, he sure only likes you. Can you write the address down and let me call the owners or the police to check it out?”

  I scribbled the information down on a piece of notebook paper and handed it to Mabel. “You believe me, don’t you? About what happened? I did not sneak out and drink or anything.”

  Mabel eyed me thoughtfully. And studied Angel too, who decided to wag his tail in a finally friendly gesture. “It’s a wild story, but I believe you. Get dressed and let’s see what we can figure out about your friend here.”

  As soon as Mabel left, I got dressed and got on my knees in front of my chair, with my Bible on the seat. Angel jumped down from the bed and lay beside me. I didn’t know where to start to apologize. The wonders I had seen during the last twenty-three nights, the time with God, with Holy Spirit and with Jesus, the miracles I witnessed, the glimpses of my husband and child in heaven, all demanded belief and still I had questioned Him after the briefest of time and a maliciously placed thought from Luke.

  How did I apologize and beg forgiveness from my Creator? The one who had come to rescue me not just with salvation, but had taken the time, energy, and focus to show up here and now and try to rescue me from me. How could I have been so messed up? Yet, I knew I had been, and last night had proved I could be again. How could I hope to survive in the world without my nightly visits from God? How could I do anything apart from Him?

  “Apart from Him? You can do nothing apart from me … what verse is that Angel boy?” I flipped the pages of my Bible wishing for a computer. “Is it in John? The part about the vine? Is that fourteen or fifteen?”

  Angel barked.

  “Okay then.�
� I began reading in the Book of John chapter fourteen and continued into John chapter fifteen until I found the verse I was thinking of: If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. “John fifteen, verse five. That’s it right there. Without God I can do nothing.”

  “Dearest sweet God, I am so sorry that I doubted you, that I let that monster sway me for even one moment. Is that why you allowed it? To show me that I am still vulnerable, still a weakling in the faith department? I know I need You. I know that without You, I will fail. And what I really want is to please You, to see your smile. But can You use me? I know it is only if I stay in You that I can be of any use. Show me. Lead me. Forgive me. I am Yours. Amen.”

  * * *

  Hours later I sat with Doc Aimee in her office, an ever watchful Angel at my feet.

  “This is highly unusual,” Doc said while she scribbled notes in my file. “Yet Mabel tells me that the house was empty. The owner died six months ago. The neighbors thought the dog was with his children.”

  I reached down and rubbed Angel’s ears. “The police are trying to locate them and let them know we found the dog. I can keep him here until they come, right? It would be a shame to put him in a shelter.” As if on cue Angel wagged his tail and cocked his head as if asking to stay.

  “Like I said this is highly unusual. I’ll give the police twenty-four hours to find the owners.”

  “Thank you, Doc.” I rubbed Angel’s ears again and he moaned in pleasure. “I told you she was one of the good guys.”

  “So tell me why you were awake last night?”

  I wanted to get Doc’s advice. I needed to hear it again. Though we had talked in group about what to do when we each went back to our lives and tried to resume it. Last night had really shaken my confidence.

  “Do you really believe that I can leave this place and not drink? Not get depressed all over again?”

  She stopped writing and looked at me, assessing me. “Yes, I believe you can. But it won’t be easy at all. In fact it will be really hard. The hardest thing most of you will ever do will be to go back to your lives and NOT resume those old patterns of behavior.”