30 Nights with God

by Deborah C. Cruce

  Showering and dressing quickly, I called my mom and asked if she would bring me a few things from the house.

  A couple hours later as we sat in group, I handed out the photo albums mom had brought. “After the accident I spent hours going through these books, remembering, reliving, and grieving. But one day I came home and put them all away. The pain was so great I simply couldn’t bear to see them anymore. I gathered every picture and everything that reminded me of them and put it away in a closet. I’m so glad I didn’t throw them away.

  “Today I want to share my family with my new family.”

  Annie and Savannah poured over the wedding album, while Doc flipped through Hannah’s baby pictures, and Michael went through the Sean’s baseball league years. I flipped through the most recent album. Hannah’s teen years, and first date, first dance, Sean’s first interrogation of a boy wanting to date Hannah, Sean teaching Hannah to drive, Sean and Hannah texting each other while watching a movie, Christmas morning in our pajamas and surrounded by too much stuff. So many memories of us.

  “I can’t believe how blessed I was. God gifted me with such a precious child and such a wonderful husband.”

  Michael closed his album. “I’m sorry, Elizabeth, but I just don’t see how you can still believe in a good God, when he took your family. You say He gave them to you, but what I see is He took them away.”

  And here it was, my chance to talk God with Michael. I took a deep breath and said a quick prayer. “One of the things I had to come to grips with when I got to Safe Haven, was that God didn’t take my family away. And the truck driver didn’t take my family away. Sean made a mistake. He didn’t look both ways.”

  “But God … a real all powerful God … could have stopped it!”

  “Yes. I had to accept that, too. That God could have stopped it, but instead, allowed Sean to make the mistake and end his life and Hannah’s life also. I don’t know why. But I don’t have to because I know something else. He loves Sean and Hannah even more than I do.”

  “How can you sit there and say God loves them? They are dead.”

  “But God doesn’t see death like we do. They ended their life here, but now they are with Him. And I may want them here with me, for purely selfish reasons, but He has given me something better.”

  “You’re kidding me? You have already hooked up with someone else?”

  “Michael, listen to me. I have the Trinity. I have Father God, Savior Jesus, and the Blessed Spirit. With them I can continue this life, and be blessed doing it, until He decides it’s time for me to join them in heaven.”

  Michael shook his head, bowed over his hands. Then he glanced up and around our small circle. No one else had said anything. “Do the rest of you believe this stuff?”

  Annie cleared her throat and spoke in that same authoritative tone from the other day. “God exists. I’ve seen things I can’t explain except for the reality of God.”

  “Well …” Savannah began, looking nervous, “I’m not sure what I believe, but Elizabeth told me I had a guardian angel, and that made me feel better. Or it could be the meds they give me. Either way, I’m better since I got here. And I can’t believe I said that.”

  Mental note to talk to Savannah more about Jesus.

  “Doc? What do you think?” Michael asked.

  “I, too, have seen things I can’t explain except by God. But even if I hadn’t seen those signs, I would believe. I feel Him here,” Doc Aimee tapped her chest over her heart.

  Michael sat back and folded his arms. “I just can’t get there. I hear you, but it is hard to believe.”

  I opened my mouth, and then closed it. A distinct nudge under my jaw had closed it. What?

  Michael continued, “You told me the other day that this place had helped you. The group sessions, the one-on-one meetings, the various activities and the medicines. I’m willing to give it try. I may even look into a prosthetic. But this God stuff is tough to swallow.”

  Okay. I tentatively moved my jaw. “I understand. If you want to talk more, just come find me. In the meantime though, I will pray for you.”

  Dream 28

  I awoke in a dark dimly-lit room in the middle of a four poster bed. I rolled to the side causing a layer of dust to shift. I sneezed once, then twice. Putting my bare feet on the cool wood floor, I looked down to see I was wearing a long flannel gown. What was going on?

  Then I heard a long low moan, and a rattling of chains.

  “Dear God in heaven, please rescue me from whatever is going on.”

  Then I heard laughter, and Joshua walked in, looking like his normal guardian angel sixteen year old self. “Hey, Lizzie, it’s just me. God let me set the stage and tease you just a bit. No need to panic. But kudos on going straight to prayer!”

  “Set the stage? Where are we?” I went to the shuttered windows and pushed them open. “Snow!”

  The scene was a flurry of activity. It was a tiny village street covered in snow and people walking up and down all bundled up in long coats and hats and scarves. There was a church, a butcher, a stable, and other small shops running down the street across from me. Down my side of the street were houses. Joshua joined me in the window, putting his hand out to catch a falling snowflake.

  “Cool!”

  “Way cool,” I agreed. “So what’s going on?” I asked raising my face to the soft flurries.

  “You will be visited the next three nights by one of the Trinity. The Blessed Spirit tonight. Father tomorrow night. And Jesus the last night.”

  “We’re doing A Christmas Carol?” I asked puzzled, turning to look at him.

  “I’ll let the Spirit explain. But Lizzie, when you get home, know I will be watching over you for the rest of your life.”

  He hugged me hard, then turned and left the room quickly. Had there been tears in his eyes?

  “Elizabeth?”

  I turned to see Isabeau standing by a door across the room. I crossed quickly to her, smiling, reaching my hands out to take hers. “Blessed Spirit, what are we doing tonight?”

  She leaned forward and touched her forehead to mine. I felt a surge of love and warmth rush through me. I hadn’t realized how chilled I’d gotten standing in the window. When I looked down my gown was gone and instead I was clothed in sturdy walking boots, jeans, a shirt, sweater, scarf and hooded coat.

  “We decided that these last three nights needed to be lessons you could take with you.”

  “Because I won’t see you any longer.”

  “That’s right.”

  She opened the door into a beautiful English garden. Though a light layer of snow covered everything, it was still lovely. A canvas awning covered the deck area. From there you stepped into a large rectangle garden that was as wide as the house and about thirty feet deep. A white picket fence enclosed the garden. Beyond the gate at the back was a tall green hedgerow. Like a wall standing guard to protect, it ran the width of the garden.

  “Let me explain,” she began, walking across the snow toward the back gate. “You need practice in listening to me, following my guidance, hearing me despite what noise the world produces.”

  “Okay. How can I practice that?”

  She pushed through the gate and pointed ahead.

  It took me a moment, but I finally recognized the tall green hedge. “A maze? We’re doing a maze tonight?”

  She clapped her hands together and nodded. “Isn’t it fabulous?”

  I looked from her to it and back. “Remarkable. No one would ever believe me if I even tried to tell them about this. So what do I have to do?”

  “You have to get from here to the middle of the maze to win the prize.”

  “So I just have to follow you, right?” I asked.

  “Yes, you have to listen to me.”

  “And what’s the prize?” I heard a deep woof. “Angel? Angel is
the prize? How can that be?”

  Isabeau nodded. “He has developed a deep fondness for you. And I think you have become attached to him.”

  “Are you saying I get to keep him? But doesn’t he belong to that family?”

  “Abba has worked something out, but we’re getting ahead of ourselves. You have to get to the middle of the maze first.”

  I turned to look at the eight foot green wall ahead of me. Then I heard what she said. “Me? I thought you were going with me?”

  “I am. I’m going in here.” Isabeau tapped my head and my heart. “That’s how we will talk when you are in the world. That’s how I talk to all my children. It takes practice though and I want you to know what to do before you get back in the world.”

  Suddenly doubt overwhelmed me. Could I do this? I wanted to. I wanted to be God’s hands and feet in the world, and I knew Isabeau wanted to help me. I had to try. Angel barked again as if to agree. I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders. “How do I do this?”

  “Start walking and listen for me. I may be a nudge or a feeling or a whispered word that directs you on the correct path. Do not turn to the right or left unless I guide you to. Here, you’ll need this.”

  I looked at the book Isabeau had placed in my hands -- a beautiful slim leather-bound Bible. My name was engraved on the front.

  “Are you ready?” she asked, while rearranging my scarf and fishing my gloves from my pockets.

  “Can we pray?” I asked, nervous but excited too.

  Her smile was like the sun. “Of course, dear child.”

  “What do I pray for? Wisdom? Clarity? Discernment?”

  “Open your heart and pray. I will interpret for you.”

  “Like a translator?”

  “Yes.”

  I closed my eyes and bowed my head after taking her hands in mine. “Father God, I pray for you to help me to hear the Holy Spirit, and for me to recognize her voice in the chaos that is the world. Teach me so that I might teach others. Amen.”

  “Amen, amen.”

  I strode confidently through the entrance of the maze and began my quest to find Angel. The first path was straight and about four feet wide. The snow crunched beneath my feet as I walked. At the end of the first path, I had the choice already of turning left or right. “What had Isabeau said?”

  I stood quiet for a moment. I heard the rustle of the wind, a few birds, and nothing else. “Blessed Spirit, which way do I go?”

  I was tempted to look behind me to see if she would point one way or another, but I resisted. I lifted the Bible in my hand and wondered where even to start. I knew the Spirit could guide me through scripture. I opened it and began flipping through it to Proverbs. I needed wisdom and that seemed a good place to start. I began to read, hoping to hear a word, a direction from the Blessed Spirit.

  “Wait,” I whispered. I reread the last line. “Then you will understand what is right and just and fair—every good path.” This was Proverbs 2 verse nine.

  Simple. Straight forward. Right. Every good path.

  I went right.

  This path was short and took a sharp left. Looking ahead was a long walkway, but I soon came across an intersection where a path jumped off to the right and the left as well as continuing straight ahead. I hesitated but I continued straight. Surely I wasn’t supposed to take all rights. Then I came to one path that sprang off to the right. Maybe I was supposed to take all rights. I turned right and right again and was at a dead end.

  Realizing my mistake, I backtracked out quickly. I couldn’t assume. I needed to ask every time. When I got back to the intersection on the long walkway, two old women sat in rocking chairs knitting scarves. One was knitting a multi-colored green scarf and the other was knitting a beautiful rose colored one.

  “Do you know which way I should go?” I asked.

  The two put down their projects and looked up and down the path, then leaned together and whispered to one another.

  Looking up at me, they shook their heads “No.”

  “But maybe you could help us.” The one with the green scarf said. “We need to measure these scarves to see if they are long enough. Do you mind trying them on?”

  I took a deep breath and let it out. I wanted to find Angel.

  “Are you okay, dear? This won’t take a minute.”

  “Sure, I can help you.” I took off my own scarf and let it drop to the ground. I accepted the green scarf from the one woman and wrapped it around my neck. It barely made it.

  “Oh dear. Still too short. I must keep working.”

  Then I tried on the rose one and it was just right. I smoothed a hand down the soft yarn and smiled. “This one is good.”

  “Yes, it is. Thank you, young woman for giving us a hand.”

  The old woman took her scarf back and draped it over the arm of the rocking chair. Gathering her strength, she pushed up and stood before me. “I believe I need to stretch my legs a bit. Care to join me?

  I offered my arm, smiling. “Which way should we go?”

  I woke up in my bed.

  Day Twenty-Nine

  December 4

  “No!” I beat the bed with my hands.

  I was always bad at puzzles. Except with the edge pieces. Mazes were a type of puzzle. But the point had been to listen for the Holy Spirit. I had felt a nudge and found the Proverb scripture, but got lost when I went without asking. It had looked right, but it hadn’t been correct.

  The two old ladies had been a hoot though, reminding me of my grandmother and her sister. They had often been together after grandpa had died. Stopping to help them had seemed like an interruption, but had not been at all. People were always important.

  I thought over the issue of listening to the Spirit. I knew I needed to practice. I needed to pray today and do some research. But first I had an exit physical exam to complete and then an exit interview with Safe Haven’s director.

  Yet in between those chores, I found my way to the book of John again, specifically to John chapter sixteen, verse thirteen: “When He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth …” I read aloud. “So Isabeau will guide me …

  “And she speaks the truth.” I liked that. She spoke the truth, not partial truth or some truth or just plain lies or anything except the truth. “…for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come.”

  So Isabeau would speak according to Father God. She would be my helper, my comforter, and my guide. I had to open my heart and my mind to her guidance. She lived in me and was always with me. She was with me right now and could help me learn to listen to her all the time.

  “Amazing!” I said aloud.

  “Do you always talk to yourself?”

  I looked up and there was Michael. “You know-until you-I would have said no, but you’ve caught me doing it twice. So maybe this is new or maybe I always have and never knew it.”

  We were seated in the waiting area by the offices. “Are you here to see Doc Aimee?” I asked.

  “Yes, did I get the time wrong?”

  “No, I’m here to see the director for my exit interview. I am doing some research while I wait.” I lifted my Bible and notebook. Okay, Blessed Spirit, here I am with him, so what do you want me to say to him?

  “You are really into that Bible stuff, aren’t you?”

  “It’s pretty amazing. Thought any about what we talked about yesterday?” I felt approval at my question.

  “I talked to the physical therapist about the steps to try a prosthetic.”

  “That’s good. I never asked what kind of carpenter you were.” Natural question, thank you, lead me dear Spirit.

  “I was a cabinetmaker.” His smile was sad.

  “You liked it?”

  “Yeah, I did. Loved
it. I’ve always made things. I had Tinkertoys growing up, Lincoln Logs, Legos and then I got creative and started making my own things.” He looked down at his empty sleeve. “My dad helped me, encouraged me.”

  I could see the sadness roll over him and wanted to help. How can I help him? Give me the right words, please. “Jesus was a carpenter. He learned from his dad.”

  Michael’s gaze met mine. He slowly nodded. “What kind of things did he build?”

  Dream 29

  I was in the maze. The sun was bright and high in the sky, though there was still snow on the ground. It was cold enough to keep the snow despite the sun. Behind me were the two old ladies, still knitting their scarves. They looked up at me and waved. I waved back, and then turned to check out the path ahead. Rose had pointed the way and I had felt a rightness in her answer.

  God stood at the fork in the path ahead. Not a right or left choice, but still a choice. Then I heard Angel bark, bark, bark … as if to say come and get me. “I’m coming boy!”

  I walked up to God. I was sad and expectant. Sad that our time was almost over and yet expectant of what wonderful things he would do in my life yet to be. “Are you here to help me?”

  “Do you want me to?”

  “Yes!” If I had learned anything in the past four weeks, it was to get God’s help. I held out my hand. “Will you walk with me?”

  He took my hand. “Always.”

  We turned to face the choice in front of us. I looked back and forth and saw nothing different about either one. “Blessed Spirit, please direct me along the path you would have me travel. I trust you to speak to my mind and my heart. Amen.”

  “Amen.”

  The nudge was there. Slight, but there. So we went left, God and I. “So how did I do with Michael today?”