Defiled

by Elskidor Xell

  Bella groaned as she fought to remember, and then there came a warm red glow. "That orb. The glow is intense. Men around me, but I don't recognize who they are. They talk, but it's in whispers, and I can’t identify the voices or what they are saying. I'm trapped. I can't get out." As she talked, Bella’s breathing became rapid and shallow, and now she panted. "There is something wrong. I'm betrayed. It's over." She kept raving as Markus held her tightly and whispered in her ear to let it go.

  "Calm down. Let it fade. It can't hurt you. It's in the past. You're with me, Bell. Come back."

  His voice was soothing, and she lost her concentration. That scene phased out, and then she recalled waking up in a tower where she and Lonewolf were living. It was peaceful, and she was carefree. No concerns and no questions. Her head quit throbbing, and she breathed normally once more.

  "What's happening to me, Markus?" she cried, feeling ashamed of herself. "I'm weak. Something is missing. I don't remember falling ever."

  Markus continued embracing her and whispered, "You have never remembered it. Every time you've told me the story, it's always been the same. Just as you told me now." To himself, Markus wondered why she could not remember the fall that claimed her memory.

  Bella stayed silent for a few moments considering what she had seen in her dreams. "Are my dreams memories, Markus? How long have I been like this? Why can't I remember ever waking you up like this before?"

  Markus had no answer to be sure. "I've always imagined when you got so close to remembering your mind closed down and would not allow it. It would shut off, and you would block it out once more. I don't know, love." Markus cried with her, not knowing what to say to help her. "You can tell me your dreams, and I can tell you if they happened. Our time in Garroth. The time that was and the time you remember has never been the same."

  Bella was in disbelief. Markus would never lie to her, and her heart told her there was something terribly wrong with all of this. What’s wrong with me? After a few moments of silence, she began.

  "I remember. Or I dream of a time when- I have always been faithful to you, and you've always had my heart from the moment I realized I loved you years ago. You can trust I was honest about that." Bella grabbed his chin and pinned him down with her eyes. "I promise."

  Markus nodded. "I know, love."

  Bella took a deep breath and began. "I don't recall how we split apart after Garroth, or why I only realized a few years ago that I had never stopped loving you from our childhood. My dreams show me I was not with you in Garroth as I remember. When we were young, we talked and walked by the riverside, sword played by the waterfall, went to the opera, and even our first kiss. Turtle hunting. The night I came to you—your proposal. In my dreams, those parts of our past were with Laelliandir, and they confuse me.

  Laella and Albatros treated me well. I hurt you and made you jealous. I was selfish and wanted to do everything my way, and I chased off after Laelliandir. He was leaving me behind, and I wanted to go. Even though there is no way this is true, my dreams are twisting what is real like a disease." Her eyes shut as she cried in her husband’s arms. Her dreams left her humiliated by how she felt toward the people in her dreams. She had not only been watching her past but reliving it. The emotions were fresh as if they had just happened. "I'm sorry, Markus."

  Markus tightened his embrace and told her everything would be fine. He repeated everything yet again and explained to her they had gone over this too before. He set her straight on what had happened and explained they had never been together until a few years ago. She had mixed all of her memories of him with Laelliandir. Still, it was comforting to him when Bella talked about the past she had shared with Laelliandir, she would often get confused and add authentic memories Markus and Bella had shared. From this, he surmised even though Bella's heart belonged to Laelliandir years ago, he was always dear to Bella.

  It took a long time for Bella to accept this reality of hers, and she regretted how she treated Laelliandir and Albatros, but she still had no answer to many of her questions. There was still a great void in her past she could not understand. Laelliandir, to her, was still a tyrant that rebelled against the throne. That seed of hate remained planted in her mind. She couldn’t understand it, and it still hurt.

  It didn’t matter what Markus told her about Laelliandir or Albatros. Unbeknownst to her, the feelings Neighraellium’s medallion had implanted in her mind changed her outlook on everything. She didn't understand why Laelliandir had allied with Tragmont but assumed he hadn’t wanted her to come with him to keep that secret. He was still a liar. He had always hidden his disloyalty. Not everything was clear, but she suddenly longed to be with Luminear. She wanted to hold her sister and cry. Apologize to her for not being there.

  "How could you live with me like this? I'm broken." Bella finally asked Markus.

  "You're not broken. No one is perfect, Bell. We do our best. To me, there is nobody in this world more important than you. I could spend my whole life doing this if I have to, but I hope one day you'll be free."

  "Or I'll fall asleep for the rest of the night and wake up with no memory of this conversation at all." Disgusted at what she saw as weakness, Bella went on. "I'm a burden you shouldn't have to carry. I'm only the real me sometimes, but we've been living a false reality. We're together but apart. Oh, Markus. I don't want to do this to you or Luminear anymore. It isn't fair."

  Markus laid there, holding her against his chest as he stared up at the wooden ceiling pondering. He didn’t mind this situation. He married the woman he had always loved, but now he wondered if he could aid her with this sickness of the mind. Was there a way to help? As far back as he could recall, every time Bella had an episode like this, she wanted to see Luminear and Lonewolf. Each time she did, she forgot all over again. Could there be a connection? He needed to know what triggered her memory lapses. Was it the war ending, Markus wondered, or was it something more?

  "Love?" Markus asked.

  "Aye?"

  "What did you and Wolf talk about the other night?" Bella laid upon his chest, silently contemplating a couple of moments before rolling over upon her pillow.

  "He said the war was over. I told you everything, even about the elf woman he had in his bed. We drank wine, and that was it. Why?"

  "It's just that you returned with a headache that night, and you were acting differently. The dreams started that night. You have not wanted to leave for Magwhen. You've been distant. I'm trying to figure out how it started." Markus rolled on his side and laid his head against her chest.

  Bella nestled her fingers into his short dark hair, knowing she would have to tell him the truth. "It was nothing Wolf said," Bella paused. She wasn't a good liar and didn’t avoid or complicate issues, especially with Markus. Time for the truth. "On my way back, I ran into Laelliandir and Albatros. Nothing bad happened. They were acting strangely and said my memories were wrong. My head pounded when Magwhen came to mind, and I rode off." When Bella blurted out what had happened without prelude or explanations, Markus's eye shot wide open, and he lifted his head, a confused expression on his face.

  "What? You didn't think this was an issue? Something you should have told me?" Markus asked, which began a small argument, but after Bella explained, it ended with Markus laughing it off.

  "I was afraid of how you'd react. Sorry, damn," Bella said flustered.

  Markus smiled and dropped his head back down. "Laelliandir is here? That explains it. Just seeing the two of them upset you. Bell. You must tell me these things," Markus said. "What did they want again? What were they warning us about?" Markus struggled to make sense of the little Bella had told him.

  "It’s hard to explain. Something about a beast is sleeping within Crusayla or some nonsense. They both seemed concerned and warned me not to let the army march upon Tarrith and certainly not Crusayla. I assumed it was a ruse. A desperate attempt to allow them to buy enough time to surprise attack us. But all these memories of Laelliandir and Albatros now.
I don't think they were lying, but I can't make sense of what they claim."

  "That's why you don't want to leave? You’re trying to figure out if we will be attacked or are unsure if the army should remain here until the abandoned city is investigated?"

  "I’m not sure. I'm having issues making sense of what they said. Truth is the High King Neighraellium will move on the city when he wishes to. Nothing I nor Lonewolf can say to stop it." Markus nodded in agreement.

  "Perhaps we should scout it ourselves before he arrives?" Markus said trying to understand how Bella wanted to respond to the warnings, but Bella slid from his embrace to face him.

  "I'm not going anywhere until I can make sense of my mind. I don't understand what is happening to me. There are gaps. Big Gaps in my memory." She wiped tears away with the back of her hand and swallowed hard, "I don't even know who I am, Markus." She gazed into his eyes, then fell back into his arms.

  Markus kissed the top of her head and wished he could offer more than comfort. A part of him wished she hadn't crossed paths with Laelliandir and Albatros because that meeting must have triggered these memory flashes. He hated to see her in turmoil, but what else could he do but support her quest for answers.

  "Should we find Laelliandir or Albatros again? Ask them? See if you remember anything else?" Markus asked.

  Bella could only guess where the two might have gone, and now she felt awkward talking about Laelliandir to Markus at all. "Maybe we should, but it's not like they told me where they were going." She paused a moment. "Markus, I'm sorry about Laelliandir. I hope this meeting with him has-"

  "I'm not worried about you and Laelliandir. What you two shared was a long time ago. I'm concerned with helping you. That is all." Markus interrupted, guessing what she was about to say.

  "I don't know what to think about any of this. Will it matter if I forget what has just happened again? I want to know who was in my vision in Magwhen. Who controlled that red orb? Is the High King messing with me somehow? None of it makes any sense." She ranted in circles, growing more agitated. "Something is wrong here." Then she remembered something Laelliandir told her about Lonewolf. She had brushed it aside, for she was defensive when it came to him. "Would Wolf know?" Bella asked. "Laelliandir does not seem to trust him, but I know Wolf better than anyone."

  Markus shrugged. "He does have a lot of secrets, but keeping something from you, that would affect you? Lonewolf would do nothing to hurt you, so if he knows more than what he's saying, I'm sure he thinks it is for your own good. He loves you. I trust him. Secretive arse, but he's crazy about you."

  Bella remembered all the times in her life Lonewolf had kept things from her. She also always assumed he only had her best interest in mind, but something bothered her when she thought about the particular memory of waking up in the tower of Magwhen's castle and seeing him there as she woke up. It didn't feel right.

  "Create a false memory and ask Lonewolf if he remembers it. I'm sure he will even if it never happened. Ask yourself why it hurts to remember!" Laelliandir's last words she recalled as clear as day.

  "I think I will visit Wolf today. I want you and Fern to come with me." Bella said.

  "All right, love. We can do this."

  "I need to figure this out, and he may be the key. I'm going to try something tomorrow and see what happens."

  Chapter Five

  Memories

  "I thought it odd how much you changed in the two years since we last saw you, Bella," Fern said. "One day you were all-" Fern glanced at Markus to see if he was comfortable with what he wanted to say.

  Markus smirked and finished Fern's sentence. "All over Laelliandir and loved the house of Javalla. Next time we met, you were adamant in your opposition."

  "And suddenly loyal to this mischief." Fern picked off from there and continued. "We believed your promotions changed your heart, but your disdain for Laella and everyone was so- It was awkward for Markus and me. We have fond memories of our time back then, and we were saddened at what happened. But they were traitors."

  Bella nodded and said, Traitors yes, but my recent recollections have been nothing but good concerning them all. I’m so confused. What changed? Perhaps it is as simple as them betraying Divox, but I don't remember. There are too many missing pieces."

  The three talked as they traveled the forest to Lonewolf's home. Bella and Markus hadn’t gotten a wink of shut-eye after their conversation in the wee hours of the morning, so when Fern woke up, they told him what had happened.

  After breakfast, Bella asked the two to ride with her to visit Lonewolf, and although she didn’t disclose her plans, they agreed to follow her lead. Not far from Lonewolf’s dwelling, they stopped a ways off the trail where Bella requested Markus and Fern to stay behind and wait for her.

  "Why are we waiting?" Fern asked. He’d developed some muscle, and had even learned to fight a little. While he still wore glasses and was much more slender than Markus, he had grown his hair down to his shoulders.

  "I need to ask him a few questions in private first. It's only a hunch, but I wish to see if I can catch him in a lie. If there is more to my story than what he told you two, I want to know what he’s left out even if he thinks all he’s doing is protecting me."

  "Then why are we here, Bell?" Markus asked. "You could have done that by yourself. Why do you want us to hide this far off the trail?" Bella cast nervous glances nearby them.

  "I'm feeling uneasy. I have never been awkward around Wolf before." To the contrary, Bella had always been comfortable in Lonewolf’s presence, and she’d been loyal to him, but now her instincts would not be ignored. "Right now...the thought of Wolf is making my heart pound fast, and I'm afraid. I must find out why that is, but I don't want to be alone. I need you two nearby," Bella explained sheepishly. Any display of fear was very uncharacteristic for Bella, and Markus and Fern were both concerned. Tough, brave and stubborn nearly all the time, Bella never got scared.

  "We'll be here," Fern said.

  "Here and waiting, love," Markus agreed.

  Bella thanked them, then rode the rest of the way to Lonewolf's home alone. She made no plan of what she would say but fought to stay calm as she neared her destination.

  ***

  When she arrived at Lonewolf’s simple house in the elder forest, it was early afternoon. The sun was bright, making it much easier to see around than the last time she ventured that way. Large mushrooms and flowers bloomed throughout the dense green forest floor. The trees here were thicker than most and towered higher than average. The woods surrounding the hidden city of Kinelenn was ancient and unlike any other. Typically Bella enjoyed roaming through it, but not this day.

  Why am I so nervous? When she came to the house, she paused a long moment staring at his front door. I’m a sarding dolt! What am I going to say?

  At that point, Lonewolf poked his head out from a circular window spotting her. Her heart nearly stopped until he smiled and waved. It's just Wolf, Bell. Don’t be a sarding dolt. She scolded herself silently, while outwardly she smiled and waved back.

  Lonewolf opened the front door and trotted down the steps with a silly grin. Bella was surprised to notice a long red angry wound on Lonewolf’s face that started from right below his eye and traveled down his cheek.

  "Are you still here? About to leave finally?" Lonewolf asked, coming to a halt before her. Everything he and Icaz had worked for would happen with or without Bella, but he much preferred her being far away and wasn't pleased with her decision to stick around. Although Icaz had not messaged him, he assumed he and Luminear were already on the way. Bella’s presence would be a nuisance.

  "For the moment. I hate to leave before his Grace arrives." Bella paused and then pointed at Lonewolf’s face. "Care to explain what happened? Trouble shaving?"

  Lonewolf raised his hand to the side of his face, lightly patting his sensitive skin. "I wish. That elf woman. She tried to knife me in the night. Barely woke up in time to catch her wrist. Shielded her sw
ing enough to avoid a bit of heart gorging, but it scraped up my face. I should have known better than to trust an elf."

  Bella smiled and shook her head. "Lucky you didn't lose an eye. And I'd attribute her being a scorned prisoner than an elf to your injury. What did you expect?"

  "A little gratitude, I suppose. She got leave from the jail cells, after all," Lonewolf said.

  "To be your mistress? A man that helped rip her homeland apart? I'd have gutted you and left you for dead, you sard. Where is she, speaking of dead?"

  Lonewolf shrugged. "No idea. I let her go. I wanted no more bloodstains in my house. Anyone able to hurt me deserves a reward."

  "I suppose," Bella said. She realized a slight thumping in her head had returned and was doing her best to ignore it.

  "What did you need, Bell?"

  "Oh, nothing really. I'm out for a ride, and your inconveniently located house is out here in the middle of nowhere. I told Markus I'd be back by nightfall, so there’s no time to come inside."