David D. Burns, M.D.
everything about you, and they may not act in an affectionate way all the time. If you are willing to learn to love yourself, you will have a far more dependable and continuous source of self-esteem.
The first step is to find out if you want independence. All of us have a much greater chance of achieving our goals if we understand what they are. It helped Roberta to realize that her dependency was condemning her to an empty existence. If you are still clinging to the notion that it is desirable to be "dependent," list the advantages, using the double-column technique. Spell out how you benefit if you let love determine your personal worth. Then in order to assess the situation objectively, write down the counterarguments, or rational responses, in the right-hand column You may learn that the advantages of your love addiction are partially or totally illusory. Figure 12-1 shows how a woman with a problem similar to Roberta's assessed these issues. This written exercise motivated her to look within herself for what she had been seeking in others, and enabled her to see that her dependency was the real enemy because it incapacitated her.
Perceiving the Difference Between Loneliness and Being Alone. As you read the previous section you may have concluded that it would be to your advantage if you could learn to regulate your moods and find happiness within yourself.
This would give you the capacity to feel as alive when you are alone as when you are with someone you love. But you may be thinking, "That all sounds well and good, Dr. Burns, but it is not realistic. The truth is that it is undeniably emotionally inferior to be alone. All my life I have known that love and happiness are identical, and all my friends agree.
You can philosophize until you're blue in the face. But when it comes down to the bottom line, love is where it's at and being alone is a curse!"
In fact, many people are convinced that love makes the world go around. You see this message in ads, you hear it in popular songs, you read it in poems.
You can however convincingly disprove your assumption that love is necessary before you can experience happiness.
Let's take a hard look at the equation, alone = lonely.
Consider, first, that we get many of life's basic satisfactions by ourselves. For example, when you climb a mountain, pick 276
FEELING GOOD
Figure 12-1. An Analysis of the Presumed "Advantages" of Being a '
Love Junkie."
Advantages of Being Dependent
on Love to Be Happy
Rational Responses
L Someone will take care of me 1. This is also true of independent w h e n I a m h u r t . p e o p l e . I f I a m i n a n a u t o a c c i -
dent, they will take: me to an
emergency room. The doctors
will care for me whether I am a
dependent or independent per-
son. It is nonsense that only de-
pendent people get help whep
they are hurt.
2. But if I am dependent, I won't 2. But as a dependent person, I will have to make decisions. have much less control over my life. It is unreliable to depend on
other people to make decisions
for me. For example, do I want
someone else to tell me what to
wear today or what to eat for
dinner? They might not choose
the thing that is my first choice.
IL But as an independent person, I 3. So pay the consequences—you might make the wrong decision.
can learn from your mistakes if
Then I'd have to pay the conse-
you are independent. No one can
quences.
be perfect, and there arc no guar-
antees of absolute certainty in
life. The uncertainty can be part
of the spice of life. It's how I
cope—not whether I am right all
the time—that forms the basis
of self-respect. And besides, I
will be able to take the credit
when things work out well.
I. But if / am a dependent person, 4. Independent people can also I won't have to think. I can just
choose not to think if they want
277
Figure 12-1. Continued.
Advantages of Being Dependent
on Love to Be Happy
Rational Responses
react to things.
to. There is no rule that says that
only dependent people have the
right to stop thinking.
S. But if I am dependent, I will be 5. Candy gets nauseating after a
gratified. It will be like eating
while. The person I choose to de-
candy. It feels good to have
pend on may not be willing to
someone to care for me and to
love and stroke me, and take care
lean on.
of me forever. He may get tired
of it after a while. And if he with-
draws from me either through
anger or resentment, I will then
feel miserable because I'll have
nothing else to rely on. They will
be able to manipulate me if I am
dependent, just like a slave or
robot.
6. But if I am a dependent person,
6. As an independent person, I can
I will be loved. Without love I
learn to love myself and this may
couldn't live.
make me even more desirable to
others, and if I can learn to love
myself, I can always be loved.
My dependency in the past has
driven others away from me more
frequently than it has attracted
people to me. Babies can't sur-
vive without love and support,
but I won't die without love.
7. But some men are looking for
7. There's some truth to this, but
dependent women.
relationships which are based on
dependency frequently fall apart
and culminate in divorce because
you are asking the other person
to give you something which
they are not in the position to
give; namely, self-esteem and
self-respect. Only I can make
myself happy, and if I rely on
someone else to do this for me,
I am likely to be bitterly disap-
pointed in the end.
278
FEELING GOOD
a flower, read a book, or eat a hot fudge sundae, you do not require someone else's company for these experiences to be enjoyable. A physician can enjoy the satisfaction of treating a patient whether or not he and the patient are involved in a meaningful personal relationship. When writing a book, an author is generally by himself or herself. As most students know, you do most of your learning when you are alone. The list of pleasures and satisfactions that you can enjoy when alone is endless.
This indicates that many sources of gratification are acces-sible to you whether or not you are with someone else. Can you add to that list? What are some pleasures that you can have alone? Do you ever listen to good music on your stereo?
Do you enjoy gardening? Jogging? Carpentry? Hiking? A lonely bank teller named Janet, who was recently separated from her husband, enrolled in a creative dancing class and found (to her surprise) that she could derive enormous pleasure from practicing by herself at home. As she became caught up in the rhythm of the movements, she felt at peace with herself in spite of the fact that she had no one to love.
Perhaps you are thinking now, "Oh, Dr. Burns, is that your point? Well, it's trivial! Of course, I can experience temporary moments of mediocre distraction by doing things when I'm alone. This might take the edge off the blues, but those things are just some crumbs from the table that might keep me from st
arving totally. I want the banquet, the real thing! Love! True and complete happiness!"
That was exactly what Janet told me before she enrolled in the dancing class. Because she assumed it was miserable to be alone, it hadn't occurred to her to do enjoyable things and care for herself during the separation from her husband. She had been living according to a double standard whereby if she was with her husband, she would go to great lengths to plan pleasurable activities, but when she was alone, she would simply mope and do very little. This pattern obviously functioned as a self-fulfilling prophecy, and she did in fact find it unpleasant to be alone. Why? Simply because she failed to treat herself in a caring way. It had never occurred to her to challenge her lifelong assumption that all her activities would be unsatisfactory unless she had someone to share them with.
On another occasion, instead of heating a TV dinner after 279
David D. Burns, M.D.
work, Janet decided to plan a special meal, just as if she were going to entertain a man she cared a lot about. She carefully prepared her dinner and set the table with candles. She began with a glass of fine wine. After dinner she read a good book and listened to her favorite music. To her amazement, she found the evening a total pleasure. The next day, which was Saturday, Janet decided to go to the art museum alone. She was surprised to discover that she got more enjoyment out of this excursion alone than she had in the past when dragging her reluctant and disinterested husband along.
As a result of adopting an active, compassionate attitude toward herself, Janet discovered for the first time in her life that she could not only make it on her own but could really enjoy herself.
As is so often the case, she began to generate an infectious joy of living that caused many individuals to feel attracted to her, and she began to date. In the meantime her husband began to get disillusioned with his girl friend and wanted his wife back. He noticed Janet was happy as a lark without him, and at this point the tables began to turn. After Janet told him she no longer wanted him back, he suffered a severe depression. She ultimately established a very satisfying relation.
ship with another man and remarried. The key to her success was simple—as a first step, she proved that she could develop a relationship with herself. After this, the rest was easy.
The PleasurePredicting Method
-
I don't expect you to rely on my word on this topic, or even on the reports of others like Janet who have learnei how to experience the joys of self-reliance Instead, I propose you perform a series of experiments, just as Janet did, to test out your belief that "being alone is a curse." If you are willing to do this, you can arrive at the truth in an objective.
scientific manner.
To help you, I have developed the "Pleasure-Predicting Sheet" shown in Figure 12-2. This form is divided into a series of columns in which you predict and record the actual amount of satisfaction you derive from various work and recreational activities you engage in when alone, as well as from those you share with other people. In the first column, 280
FEELING GOOD
record the date of each experiment. In the second column, write down several activities that you plan to do as a part of that day's experiments. I suggest that you carry out a series of forty or fifty experiments over a two- to three-week period.
Choose activities that would ordinarily give you a sense of accomplishment or pleasure, or which have the potential for learning or personal growth. In the third column, record who you do the activity with. If you do it alone, write "self' in this column. (This word will remind you that you are never really alone, since you are always with yourself!) In the fourth column, predict the satisfaction you think you will derive from this activity, estimating it on a scale of between 0
and 100 percent. The higher the number, the greater the anticipated satisfaction. Fill in the fourth column before you do each planned activity, not after!
Once you have filled in the columns, proceed with the activities. Once they are completed, record the actual satisfaction in the last column, using the same 0- to 100-percent rating system.
After you have performed a series of such experiments, you will be able to interpret the data you have collected. You can learn many things. First, by comparing the predicted satisfaction (column four) with the actual satisfaction (column five), you will be able to find out how accurate your predictions are. You may find that you typically underestimate the amount of satisfaction you anticipate experiencing, especially when doing things alone. You might also be surprised to learn that activities with others are not always as satisfying as anticipated. In fact, you may even find that there are many times when it was more enjoyable to be alone, and you might discover that the highest ratings you received when you were alone were equal to or higher than those for activities involving others. It can be helpful to compare the amount of satisfaction you derived from work activities versus pleasurable activities. This information can help you achieve an optimal balance between work and fun as you continue to plan your activities.
Questions are probably now crossing your mind, "
Suppose I do something and it isn't as satisfying as I predicted? Or suppose I make a low prediction and it really comes out that
281
Figure 12-2. The Pleasure-Predicting Sheet.
Activity for Satisfaction
Who Did You Do
Predicted Satisfaction
Actual Satisfaction
(Sense of Achievement
This With? (If Alone, (0-100%) (Write This (0-100%) (Record This
Date
or Pleasure)
Specify Self)
Before the Activity)
After the Activity)
8/18/77 Visit arts and crafts center
self
20%
65%
8/19/77 Go to rock concert
self
15%
75%
8/26/77 Movie
Sharon
85%
80%
8/30/77 Party
Many invited guests
60%
75%
9/2/77 Read novel
self
75%
85%
9/6/77 Jogging
self
60%
80%
9/9/77 Go shopping for blouse at boutique
self
50%
85%
9/10/77 Go to market
mother
40%
30% (argument)
9/10/77 Walk to the park
Sharon
60%
70%
9/14/77 Date
Bill
95%
80%
9/15/77 Study for exam
self
70%
65%
9/16/77 Go for driving test
mother
40%
95% (passed test!)
9/16/77 Ride bicycle to ice cream store
self
80%
95%
FEELING GOOD
way?" In this case try to pinpoint the automatic negative thoughts that dampen the experience for you. Then talk back to these thoughts. For example, a lonely sixty-five-year-old woman whose children were all grown and married decided to enroll in an evening course. All the other students were of college freshman age. She felt tense the first week of classes because of her thought, "They probably think I'm an old bag with no right to be here." When she reminded herself she had no idea what the other students thought of her, she felt some relief. After talking to another student, she found out that some of them admired her gumption. She then felt much better, and her satisfaction levels began to climb.
Now let's see how the Pleasure-Predicting Sheet can be used to overcome dependency. Joanie was a fifteen-year-old high-school student who had suffered from a chronic depression for several years after her parents moved to a new town. She had difficulty making friends in
the new high school, and believed, as many teenage girls do, that she had to have a boyfriend and be a member of the "in crowd" before she could be happy. She spent nearly all her free time at home alone, studying and feeling sorry for herself. She resisted and resented the suggestion she start going out and doing things because she claimed there would simply be no point in doing them alone. Until a circle of friends magically dropped into her lap, she seemed determined to sit and brood.
I persuaded Joanie to use the Pleasure-Predicting Sheet.
Figure 12-2 shows that Joanie scheduled a variety of activities, such as visiting an arts and crafts center on a Saturday, going to a rock concert, etc. Because she did them alone, she anticipated they would be unrewarding, as indicated by her low predictions in column four. She was surprised to find she actually did have a reasonably good time. As this pattern tended to repeat itself, she began to realize that she was predicting things in an unrealistic negative way. As she did more and more on her own, her mood began to improve. She still wanted friends, but no longer felt condemned to misery when she was alone. Because she proved she could make it on her own, her self-confidence went up. She then became more assertive with her peers, and invited several people to a party. This helped her develop a network of friends, and she 283
David D. Burns, M.D.
found that boys as well as girls in her high-school class were interested in her. Joanie continued to use the Pleasure-Predicting Sheet to evaluate the levels of satisfaction she experienced in dates and activities with her new friends. She was surprised to find that they were comparable to the enjoyment levels she experienced in doing things alone.
There is a difference between wanting and needing something. Oxygen is a need, but love is a want. I repeat: LOVE
IS NOT AN ADULT HUMAN NEED! It's okay to want a loving relationship with another human being. There is nothing wrong with that. It is a delicious pleasure to be involved in a good relationship with someone you love. But you do not need that external approval, love, or attention in order to survive or to experience maximal levels of happiness.
Attitude Modification. Just as love, companionship, and marriage are not necessary for happiness and self-esteem, they are not sufficient either. The proof of this is the millions of men and women who are married and miserable. If love were the antidote to depression, then I would soon be out of business because the vast majority of the suicidal individuals I treat are in fact loved very dearly by their spouses, children, parents, and friends. Love is not an effective antidepressant. Like tranquilizers, alcohol, and sleeping pills, it often makes the symptoms worse.
The Feeling Good Handbook Page 31