If you are only average or below average in appearance and personality, you will have to work harder initially to attract people, and you may have to cope with more frequent turndowns. You will have to develop your social skills and master some powerful secrets of making people feel attracted to you. These are: (1) Don't sell yourself short by looking down on yourself. Refuse to persecute yourself. Boost your self-esteem to the hilt with the methods outlined in Chapter 4. If you love yourself, people will respond to this sense of joy you radiate and want to be close to you. (2) Express genuine compliments to people. Instead of waiting around nervously to find out if they will like you or reject you, like them first and let them know about it. (3) Show an interest in other people by learning about what turns them on. Get them to talk about what excites them most, and respond to their comments in an upbeat manner.
If you persevere along these lines, you will eventually discover there are people who find you attractive, and you in turn will discover you have a great capacity for happiness.
Adolescent rejection is an uncomfortable nuisance, but it's not the end of the world and it's not your fault.
"Ah hal" you retort. "But how about the situation where a lot of people reject you because you turn them off with your 267
David D. Burns, M.D.
abrasive mannerisms? Suppose you're conceited and self-centered. Certainly that's your fault, isn't it?" This is a second type of rejection, which I call "angry rejection." Again, I think you will see that it's not your fault if you are angrily rejected because of a personal fault.
In the first place, other people aren't obliged to reject you just because they find things about you they don't lice—they have other options. They can be assertive and point out what they don't lice about your behavior, or they can learn not to let it bother them so much. Of course, they have the right to avoid and reject you if they want, and they are free to choose any friends they prefer. But this doesn't mean that you are an inherently "bad" human being, and it is definitely not the case that everyone will react to you in the same negative way. You will experience a spontaneous chemistry with some people, whereas you will tend to clash with others. This is no one's fault, it's just a fact of life.
If you have a personality quirk that alienates more people than you would like—such as being excessively critical or losing your temper frequently—it would definitely be to your advantage to modify your style. But it's ridiculous to blame yourself if someone rejects you based on this imperfection.
We're all imperfect, and your tendency to fault yourself—or to "buy into" the hostility that someone else directs at you—
is self-defeating and pointless.
The third type of rejection is "manipulative rejection." In this case the other person uses the threat of withdrawal or rejection to manipulate you in some way. Unhappy spouses, and even frustrated psychotherapists, sometimes resort to this ploy to coerce you into changing. The formula goes lice this: "
Either you do such and such or we're all through!" This is a highly irrational and usually self-defeating way of trying to influence people. Such manipulative rejection is simply a cul-turally taught coping pattern, and it is usually ineffective. It rarely leads to an enhanced relationship because it generates tension and resentment. What it really indicates is a low frustration tolerance and poor interpersonal skills on the part of the individual making the threat. It certainly isn't your fault that they do this, and it usually isn't to your advantage to let yourself be manipulated this way.
So much for the theoretical aspects. Now, what can you 268
FEELING GOOD
say and do when you are actually getting rejected? One effective way to learn is to use role-playing. To make the dialogue more entertaining and challenging, I will play the role of the rejector and confront you with the worst things about you I can think of. Since I'm acting caustic and insulting, begin by asking if I am in fact rejecting you because of the way I've been treating you lately:
YOU: Dr. Burns, I notice you've been acting somewhat cool and distant. You seem to be avoiding me. When I try to talk to you, you either ignore me or snap at me. I wonder if you're upset with me or if you've had thoughts of rejecting me.
Comment: You don't accuse me initially of rejecting you.
That would put me on the defensive. Furthermore, I might not be rejecting you—I might be upset about the fact that nobody's buying my book, so I'm just generally irritable. Just for practice, let's assume the worst—that I am trying to dump you.
DAVID: I'm glad we got it out in the open. I have in fact decided to reject you.
YOU: Why? Apparently I've been turning you off a lot.
DAVID: You're a no-good piece of rot.
YOU: I can see you're upset with me. Just what have I been doing wrong?
Comment: You avoid defending yourself. Since you know you are not a "piece of rot," there's no point in insisting to me that you're not. It will just fire me up more, and our dialogue will quickly deteriorate into a shouting match. (This "‘
empathy method" was presented in detail in Chapter 6.) DAVID: Everything about you stinks.
YOU: Can you be specific? Did I forget to use deodorant?
Are you upset by the way I talk, something I've said lately, my clothes, or what?
Comment: Again, you resist getting sucked into an argument. By urging me to pinpoint what I dislike about you, you are forcing me to fire my best shot and say something meaningful or end up looking like an ass.
269
David D. Burns, M.D.
DAVID: Well, you hurt my feelings when you put me down the other day. You don't give a damn about me. I'm just a "thing" to you, not a human being.
Comment: This is a common criticism. It tips you off that the rejector basically cares for you, but feels deprived and fears losing you. The rejector decides to lash out at you to protect his shaky self-esteem. The rejector might also say you're too stupid, too fat, too selfish, etc. Whatever the nature of the criticism, your strategy is now twofold: (a) Find some grain of truth in the criticism and let the rejector know you agree in part (see the "disarming technique,"
Chapter 6); (b) apologize or offer to try to correct any actual error you actually did make (see "feedback and negotiation," Chapter 6).
YOU: I'm really sorry I said something that rubbed you the wrong way. What was it?
DAVID: You told me I was a no-good jerk. So I've had it with you—this is the end.
YOU: I can see that was a thoughtless, hurtful comment I made. What other things have I said that hurt your feelings? Was that all? Or have I done this many times?
Go ahead and say all the bad things you think about me.
DAVID: You're unpredictable. You can be sweet as sugar, and then all of a sudden you're cutting me to shreds with your sharp tongue. When you get mad, you turn into a foul-mouthed pig. I can't stand you, and I can't see how anyone else puts up with you. You're arrogant and cocky, and don't give a damn about anyone but yourself. You're a selfish snot, and it's time you woke up and learned the hard way. I'm sorry I've got to be the one to put you down, but it's the only way you're going to learn. You have no real feelings for anyone but yourself, and we're through for good!.
You: Well, I can see there are numerous problems in our relationship we've never looked at, and it sounds like I'
ve really been missing the boat. I can see that I have been acting irritable and thoughtless. I can see how unpleasant I've been and how uncomfortable it's been for you. Tell me more about this side of me.
270
FEELING GOOD
Comment: You then continue to extract negative comments from the rejector. Avoid being defensive and continue to find some grain of truth in what the rejector says. After you have elicited all the criticisms and agreed with whatever was true about them, you are ready to fire the sharpest arrow straight into the rejector's balloon. Point out that you have acknowledged your imperfections and that you are willing to try to correct your errors. Then
ask the rejector why he is rejecting you. This maneuver will help you see why rejection is never your fault! You are responsible for your errors, and you will assume responsibility for trying to correct them. But if someone rejects you for your imperfections, that's their goofiness, not yours! Here's how this works.
You: I can see I've done and said a number of things you don't like. I'm certainly willing to try to correct these problems to the greatest extent possible. I can't promise miracles, but if we work at it together, I see no reason why things can't improve. Just by talking this way, our communications are already better. So why are you going to reject me?
DAVID: Because you infuriate me.
You: Well, sometimes differences come up between people, but I don't see that this has to destroy our relationship.
Are you rejecting me because you feel infuriated or what?
DAvm: You're a no-good bum, and I refuse to talk to you again.
You: I'm sorry you feel that way. I'd much prefer to continue our friendship in spite of these hurt feelings. Do we need to break off entirely? Maybe this discussion was just what we needed to understand each other better. I don't really know why you've decided to reject me. Can you tell me why?
DAVID: Oh, no! I'm not being tricked by you. You goofed up once too often, and that's it! No second chances!
Good-bye!
Comment: Now whose goofy behavior is this? Yours or the one who is rejecting you? Whose fault is it that the rejection occurs? After all, you offer to try to correct your errors and to improve the relationship through frank communica-271
David D. Burns, M.D.
tion and compromise. So how can you be blamed for the rejection? Obviously you can't.
Using the above approach may not prevent all actual rejections, but you will enhance the probability of a positive outcome sooner or later.
Recovering from Disapproval or Rejection. You actually have been disapproved of or rejected in spite of your efforts to improve the relationship with the other person. How can you most quickly overcome the emotional upset you understandably feel? First, you must realize that life goes on, so this particular disappointment need not impair the quality of your happiness forever. Following the rejection or disapproval it will be your thoughts which are doing the emotional damage, and if you fight these thoughts and stubbornly refuse to give in to distorted self-abuse, the upset will pass.
One method which might be quite helpful is one that has aided people who experience prolonged grief reactions following the loss of a loved one. If the bereaved individual schedules periods each day to allow themselves to be flooded by the painful memories and thoughts of the deceased loved one, this can accelerate and complete the grieving process. If you do this when you are alone, it will be most helpful. Sympathy from another person often backfires; some studies have reported that it prolongs the painful period of mourning.
You can use this "grieving" method to cope with rejection or disapproval. Schedule one or more periods of time each day—five to ten minutes are probably enough—to think all the sad, angry, and despairing thoughts you want. If you feel sad, cry. If you feel mad, pound a pillow. Keep flooding yourself with painful memories and thoughts for the full time period you have set aside. Bitch, moan and complain nonstop! When your scheduled sad period is over, STOP IT and carry on with life until your next scheduled cry session. In the meantime, if you have negative thoughts, write them down, pinpoint the distortions, and substitute rational responses as outlined in previous chapters. You may find this will help you gain partial control over your disappointment and hasten your return to full self-esteem more quickly than you anticipated.
272
FEELING GOOD
Turning on the "Inner Light"
The key to emotional enlightenment is the knowledge that only your thoughts can affect your moods. If you are an approval addict, you are in the bad habit of flicking your inner switch only when someone else shines their light on you first.
And you mistakenly confuse their approval with your own self-approval because the two occur almost simultaneously.
You mistakenly conclude that the other person has made you feel good! The fact that you do at times enjoy praise and compliments proves that you know how to approve of yourself! But if you are an approval addict, you have developed the self-defeating habit of endorsing yourself only when someone you respect approves of you first.
Here's a simple way to break that habit. Obtain the wrist counter described in earlier chapters and wear it for at least two or three weeks. Every day try to notice positive things about yourself—things you do well whether or not you get an external reward. Each time you do something you approve of, click the counter. For example, if you smile warmly at an associate one morning, click whether he scowls or smiles back. If you make that phone call you were putting off—
click the counter! You can "endorse" yourself for big or trivial things. You can even click it if you remember positive things you did in the past. For example, you might recall the day you got your driver's license or your first job. Click the counter whether or not you have a positive emotional arousal. Initially you may have to force yourself to notice good things about yourself, and it may seem mechanical. Persist anyway because after several days I think you will notice that the inner light is beginning to glow--dimly at first and then more brightly. Every night look at the digits on the counter and record the total number of personal endorsements on your daily log. After two or three weeks, I suspect you will begin to learn the art of self-respect, and you will feel much better about yourself. This simple procedure can be a big first step toward achieving independence and self-approval. It sounds easy—and it is. It's surprisingly powerful, and the rewards will be well worth the small amount of time and effort involved.
273
CHAPTER 12
The Love Addiction
The "silent assumption" which often goes hand in hand with the fear of disapproval is "I cannot be a truly happy and fulfilled human being unless I am loved by a member of the opposite sex. True love is necessary for ultimate happiness."
The demand or need for love before you can feel happy is called "dependency." Dependency means that you are unable to assume responsibility for your emotional life.
The Disadvantages of Being a Love Junkie. Is being loved an absolute necessity or a desirable option?
Roberta is a thirty-three-year-old single woman who moped around her apartment evenings and weekends because she told herself, "It's a couple's world. Without a man I am nothing." She came to my office attractively groomed, but her comments were bitter. She was brimming with resentment because she was sure that being loved was as crucial as the ox-ygen she breathed. However, she was so needy and greedy that this tended to drive people away.
I suggested that she start by preparing a list of the advantages and disadvantages of believing that "without a man (
or woman) I am nothing." The disadvantages on Roberta's list were clear-cut: "(1) This belief makes me despondent since I have no lover. (2) Furthermore, it takes away any incentive I might have to do things and go places. (3) It makes me feel lazy. (4) It brings on a sense of self-pity. (5) It robs me of self-pride and confidence, and makes me envi-ous of others and bitter. (6) Finally, it brings on self-destructive feelings and a terrible fear of being alone."
Then she listed what she thought were the advantages of believing that being loved was an absolute necessity for happiness: "(1) This belief will bring me a companion, love, and security. (2) It will give purpose to my life and a reason to 274
FEELING GOOD
live. (3) It will give me events to look forward to." These advantages reflected Roberta's belief that telling herself she couldn't live without a man would somehow bring a companion into her life.
Were these advantages real or imaginary? Although Roberta had believed for many years that she couldn't exist without a man, this attitude still hadn't brought a desirable mate. She admitted that making men so totally impor
tant in her life was not the magic charm that would bring one to her doorstep.
She acknowledged that clinging and dependent individuals often demand so much attention from other people and appear so needy that they have great difficulty not only initially attracting people of the opposite sex but also maintaining an ongoing relationship. Roberta was able to grasp the idea that people who have found happiness within themselves are usually the most desirable to members of the opposite sex and become like magnets because they are at peace and generate a sense of joy. Ironically, it is usually the dependent woman, the "manaholic," who ends up alone.
This really isn't so surprising. If you take the position you "
need" someone else for a sense of worth, you broadcast the following: "Take me! I have no inherent worth! I can't stand myself!" No wonder there are so few buyers! Of course, your unstated demand does not endear people to you either: "
Since you're obliged to love me, you're rotten shit if you don't."
You may cling to your dependency because of the erroneous notion that if you do achieve independence, others will see you as a rejecting person and you will end up alone. If this is your fear, you are equating dependency with warmth.
Nothing could be farther from the truth. If you are lonely and dependent, your anger and resentment stem from the fact that you feel deprived of the love you believe you are entitled to receive from others. This attitude drives you farther into isolation. If you are more independent, you are not obliged to be alone—you simply have the capacity to feel happy when you are alone. The more independent you are, the more secure you will be in your feelings. Furthermore, your moods will not go up and down at someone else's mercy. After all, the amount of love that someone can feel for you is often quite unpredictable. They may not appreciate 275
The Feeling Good Handbook Page 30