The Feeling Good Handbook
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David D. Burns, M.D.
time they are born until the time they die. As an infant you may achieve very little, and yet you are still precious and worthwhile. And when you are old or ill, relaxed or asleep, or just doing "nothing," you still have "worth." Your "unit of worth" can't be measured and can never change, and it is the same for everyone. During your lifetime, you can enhance your happiness and satisfaction through productive living, or you can act in a destructive manner and make yourself miserable. But your "unit of worth" is always there, along with your potential for self-esteem and joy. Since you can't measure it or change it, there is no point in dealing with it or being concerned about it. Leave that up to God.
Paradoxically, this solution comes down to the same bottom line as the previous solution. It becomes pointless and irresponsible to deal with your "worth," so you might as well focus on living life productively instead! What problems do you confront today? How will you go about solving them?
Questions such as these are meaningful and useful, whereas rumination about your personal "worth" just causes you to spin your wheels.
Here is the third path to self-esteem: Recognize that there is only one way you can lose a sense of self-worth—by persecuting yourself with unreasonable, illogical negative thoughts.
Self-esteem can be defined as the state that exists when you are not arbitrarily haranguing and abusing yourself but choose to fight back against those automatic thoughts with meaningful rational responses. When you do this effectively, you will experience a natural sense of jubilation and self-en-dorsement. Essentially, you don't have to get the river flowing, you just have to avoid damming it.
Since only distortion can rob you of self-esteem, this means that nothing in "reality" can take away your sense of worth.
As evidence for this, many individuals under conditions of extreme and realistic deprivation do not experience a loss of self-esteem. Indeed, some individuals who were imprisoned by the Nazis during World War II refused to belittle themselves or buy into the persecutions of their captors. They reported an actual enhancement of self-esteem in spite of the miseries they were subjected to, and in some cases described experiences of spiritual awakening.
Here is the fourth solution: Self-esteem can be viewed as 302
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your decision to treat yourself like a beloved friend. Imagine that some VIP you respect came unexpectedly to visit you one day. How might you treat that person? You would wear your best clothes and offer your finest wine and food, and you would do everything you could to make him feel comfortable and pleased with his visit. You would be sure to let him know how highly you valued him, and how honored you were that he chose to spend some time with you. Now—why not treat yourself like that? Do it all the time if you can! After all, in the final analysis, no matter how impressed you are with your favorite VIP, you are more important to you than he is. So why not treat yourself at least as well? Would you insult and harangue such a guest with vicious, distorted put-downs?
Would you peck away at his weaknesses and imperfections?
Then why do this to yourself? Your self-torment becomes pretty silly when you look at it this way.
Do you have to earn the right to treat yourself in this loving, caring way? No, this attitude of self-esteem will be an assertion that you make, based on a full awareness and acceptance of your strengths and imperfections. You will fully acknowledge your positive attributes without false humility or a sense of superiority, and will freely admit to all your errors and inadequacies without any sense of inferiority or self-depreciation whatever. This attitude embodies the essence of self-love and self-respect. It does not have to be earned, and it cannot be earned in any way.
Escape from the Achievement Trap
You might be thinking, "All that philosophizing about achievement and self-worth is well and good. After all, Dr.
Burns has a good career and a book on the market, so it's easy for him to tell me to forget about achievement. It sounds about as genuine as a rich man trying to explain to a beggar that money isn't important. The raw fact is, I still feel bad about myself when I do poorly, and I believe that life would be a whole lot more exciting and meaningful if I had more success. The truly happy people are the big shots, the executives. I'm only average. I've never done anything really outstanding, so I'm bound to be less happy and satisfied. If this isn't right, then prove it to met Show me what I can do 303
David D. Burns, M.D.
to change the way I feel, and only then will I be a true believer."
Lt's review several steps you might take to liberate yourself from the trap of feeling you must perform in an outstanding manner in order to earn your right to feel worthwhile and happy.
Remember to talk back. The first useful method is to keep practicing the habit of talking back to those negative, distorted thoughts which cause you to feel inadequate. This will help you realize that the problem is not your actual performance, but the critical way in which you put yourself down. As you learn to evaluate what you do realistically, you will experience increased satisfaction and self-acceptance.
Here's how it worked for Len, a young man pursuing a career playing the guitar in rock bands. He sought treatment because he felt like a "second-rate" musician. From the time he was young, he was convinced he had to be a "genius" in order to be appreciated. He was easily hurt by criticism, and often made himself miserable by comparing himself with better-known musicians. He would feel deflated when he told himself, "I'm a nobody in comparison with X." He was certain that his friends and fans also viewed him as a mediocre person, and he concluded that he could never receive his fair share of the good things in life: praise, admiration, love, etc.
Len utilized the double-column technique to expose the nonsense and illogic in what he was saying to himself (Figure 13-1). This helped him see that it was not a lack of musical talent that was the cause of his problems, but his unrealistic thinking patterns. As he began to correct this distorted thinking, his self-confidence improved. He described the effect of this: "Writing down my thoughts and answering them helped me to see how hard I was being on myself, and it gave me a sense there was something I could do to change. Instead of sitting there getting bombed by what I was telling myself, I suddenly had some antiaircraft artillery to fight back with."
Tune in to what turns you on. One assumption which might be driving you to constant preoccupation with achievement is the idea that true happiness comes only through success in your career. This is unrealistic because the majority of life's satisfactions do not require great achievement at all. It takes no special talent to enjoy an average walk 304
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through the woods on an autumn day. You don't have to be "
outstanding" to relish the affectionate hug of your young son. You can enjoy a good game of volley ball tremendously even though you're just an average player. What are some of life's pleasures that have turned you on? Music? Hiking?
Swimming? Food? Travel? Conversation? Reading? Learning?
Sports? Sex? You don't have to be famous or a top performer to enjoy these to the hilt. Here's how you can turn up the volume so that this kind of music comes in loud and clear.
Josh is a fifty-eight-year-old man with a history of destructive, manic mood swings as well as incapacitating depressions.
When he was a child, Josh's parents emphasized over and over that his career was destined to be extraordinary, so he always felt he had to be number one. He eventually did make an exceptional contribution in his chosen field, electrical en-gineering. He won numerous awards, was appointed to presidential commissions, and was credited with many patents. However, as his cyclic mood disorder became increasingly severe, Josh began to have "high" episodes. During these periods, his judgment became grossly impaired and his behavior was so bizarre and disruptive that he had to be hospitalized on several occasions. Sadly, he came down off one high to learn he had lost his family as well as his prestigious career. His wif
e had filed for divorce, and he had been forced into an early retirement by the company he worked for. Twenty years of achievement went down the drain.
In the years that followed, Josh was treated with lithium and developed a modest consulting business. Eventually he was referred to me for treatment because he still experienced uncomfortable mood swings, especially depression, in spite of the lithium.
The crux of his depression was clear-cut. He was discouraged about his life because his career no longer measured up in terms of the money and prestige he had experienced in the past. While he had enjoyed the role of charismatic "charger"
as a young man, he was now approaching sixty and felt alone and "over the hill." Because he still believed the only way to true happiness and personal worth was through superlative, creative achievements, he felt certain that his constricted career and modest life-style made him second-rate.
Since he was still a good scientist at heart, Josh decided to 305
David D. Burns, M.D.
Figure 13-1. Len's homework form for recording and answering his upsetting thoughts about being "the greatest."
Automatic Thoughts
Rational Responses
1. If I'm not "the greatest," it means 1. (All-or-nothing thinking.) Wheth-I won't get any attention from
er or not I'm "the greatest,"
people.
people will listen to me, they
will see me perform, and many
will respond positively to my
music.
2. But everybody doesn't like the 2. This is true of all musicians, even
kind of musk I play.
Beethoven or Bob Dylan. No mu-
sician can please everybody.
Quite a few people do respond
to my musk. If I enjoy my music,
then that should be enough.
3. But how can I enjoy my music if
3. By playing music that turns me
I know I'm not "the greatest"?
on, just as I always have! Be-
sides, there's no such thing as "
the world's greatest musician."
So stop trying to be it!
4. But if I were more famous and 4. How many fans and how many
talented, then I'd have more fans.
girl friends do I need before I'll
How can I be happy on the side-
be happy?
lines when the big-name per-
formers with charisma are in the
spotlight?
S. But I feel that no girl could S. Other people are loved who are really love me until I become a
just "average" in their work.
big-name talent.
Do I really have to be a big shot
before someone will love me?
Many of the guys I know get
plenty of dates and they're not
so unusual.
test his hypothesis that his life was destined to be mediocre by using the Pleasure-Predicting Sheet (described in previous chapters). Each day he agreed to schedule various activities that might give him a sense of pleasure, satisfaction, or personal growth. These activities could be related to his consult-
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Figure 13-2. The Pleasure-Predicting Sheet.
Who Did You Do
Predicted Satisfaction
Actual Satisfaction
Activity for Pleasure
This With? (If Alone, (0-100%). (Record This (0-100%). (Record This
Date
or Satisfaction
Specify Self.)
Before the Activity.)
After the Activity.)
4/18/78 Work on consulting project
self
70%
75%
4/19/78 Take long walk before breakfast
self
40%
85%
4/19/78 Prepare written report
self
50%
50%
4/19/78 Make a "missionary call" on a po-self
60%
40% (no new business)
tential customer
4/20/78 Roller-skating
girl friend
50%
99%I
David D. Burns, M.D.
ing business as well as hobbies and recreational pursuits.
Before each activity he was to write down his prediction of how enjoyable it would be and mark it between 0 percent (
no satisfaction at all) and 99 percent (the maximum enjoyment a human being can experience).
After filling out these forms for several days, Josh was surprised to find that life had just as much potential for joy and satisfaction as it ever had (see Figure 13-2). His discovery that work was at times quite rewarding and that numerous other activities could be just as enjoyable, if not more so, was a revelation to him. He was amazed one Saturday night when he went roller-skating with his girl friend. As they moved to the music, Josh found he began to tune into the beat and the melody, and as he became absorbed in the rhythm, he experienced a great sense of exhilaration. The data he collected on the Pleasure-Predicting Sheet indicated he didn't need a trip to Stockholm to receive the Nobel Prize to experience the ultimate in satisfaction—he didn't have to go any farther than the skating rink! His experiment proved that life was still filled with abundant opportunities for pleasure and fulfillment if he would enlarge his mental focus from a microscopic fixation on work and open himself up to the broad range of rich experiences that living can offer.
I am not arguing that success and achievement are undesirable. That would be unrealistic. Being productive and doing well can be enormously satisfying and enjoyable. However, it is neither necessary nor sufficient to be a great achiever in order to be maximally happy. You don't have to earn love or respect on the treadmill, and you don't have to be number one before you can feel fulfilled and know the meaning of inner peace and self-esteem. Now doesn't that make good sense?
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CHAPTER 14
Dare to Be Average!—
Ways to Overcome Perfectionism
I dare you to try to be "average." Does the prospect seem blah and boring? Very well—I dare you to try it for just one day. Will you accept the challenge? If you agree, I predict two things will happen. First, you won't be particularly successful at being "average." Second, in spite of this you will receive substantial satisfaction from what you do. More than usual. And if you try to keep this "averageness" up, I suspect your satisfaction will magnify and turn to joy. That's what this chapter is all about—learning to defeat perfectionism and enjoy the spoils of pure joy.
Think of it this way—there are two doors to enlightenment. One is marked "Perfection," and the other is marked "
Average." The "Perfection" door is ornate, fancy, and seductive. It tempts you. You want very much to go through.
The "Average" door seems drab and plain. Ugh! Who wants it? So you try to go through the "Perfection" door and always discover a brick wall on the other side. As you insist on trying to break through, you only end up with a sore nose and a headache. On the other side of the "Average" door, in contrast, there's a magic garden. But it may never have occurred to you to open this door to take a look!
You don't believe me? I didn't think so, and you don't have to. I want you to maintain your skepticism! It's healthy—
but at the same time I dare you to check me out. Prove me wrong! Put my claim to the test. Walk through that "Average" door just one day in your life. You may end up amazed!
Let me explain why. "Perfection" is man's ultimate illusion. It simply doesn't exist in the universe. There is no per-309
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fection. It's really the world's greatest con game; it promises riches and delivers misery. The harder you strive for perfection, the worse your disappointment will become because it's only an abstraction, a concept that doesn't fit reality. Everything can be improved if you look at it closely and critically enough—eve
ry person, every idea, every work of art, every experience, everything. So if you are a perfectionist, you are guaranteed to be a loser in whatever you do.
"Averageness" is another kind of illusion, but it's a benign deception, a useful construct. It's like a slot machine that pays a dollar fifty for every dollar you put in. It makes you rich—on all levels.
If you're willing to explore this bizarre-sounding hypothesis, let's begin. But beware—don't let yourself become too average because you may not be used to so much euphoria.
After all, a lion can eat only so much meat after the kill!
Do you remember Jennifer, the perfectionistic writer-student mentioned in Chapter 4? She complained that friends and psychotherapists kept telling her to stop being such a perfectionist, but no one ever bothered to tell her how to go about doing this. This chapter is dedicated to Jennifer. She's not the only one who feels in a quandry about this. At my lectures and workshops, psychotherapists have often asked me to prepare a how-to-do-it manual that illustrates the fifteen techniques I have developed for overcoming perfectionism Well—here's the manual. These methods work. You have nothing to fear or lose because the effects are not irreversible.
1. The best place to begin your fight against perfectionism is with your motivation for maintaining this approach.
Make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of being perfectionistic. You may be surprised to learn that it is not actually to your advantage. Once you understand that it does not in fact help you in any way, you'll be much more likely to give it up.
Jennifer's list is shown in Figure 14-1. She concluded that her perfectionism was clearly not to her advantage. Now make your list. After you have completed it, read on.
2. Using your list of the advantages and disadvantages of perfectionism, you might want to do some experiments to test some of your assumptions about the advantages. Like many people, you may believe "Without my perfectionism I'd be 310