The Feeling Good Handbook

by David D Burns

  12. The next method to combat perfectionism involves personal disclosure. If you feel nervous or inadequate in a situation, then share it with people. Point out the things you feel you've done inadequately instead of covering them up.

  Ask people for suggestions on how to improve, and if they're going to reject you for being imperfect, let them do it and get it over with. If in doubt as to where you stand, ask if they think less of you when you make a mistake.

  If you do this, you must of course be prepared to handle the possibility that people will look down on you because of your imperfections. This actually happened to me during a teaching session I was conducting for a group of therapists. I pointed out an error I felt I had made in reacting angrily to a 327

  Figure 14-5. How to replace all-or-nothing thoughts with others that are morc in tune with reality. These examples were contributed by a variety of individuals.

  All-or-nothing Thinking

  Realistic Thoughts

  1. What a lousy day!

  I. A couple of bad things have

  happened, but everything hasn't

  been a disaster.

  2. This meal I cooked really turned 2. It's not the best meal I ever out terrible.

  cooked, but it's okay.

  3. I'm too old.

  3. Too old for what? Too old to

  have fun? No. Too old for occa-

  sional sex? No. Too old to enjoy

  friends? No. Too old to love or

  be loved? No. Too old to enjoy

  music? No. Too old to do some

  productive work? No. So what

  am I "too old" for? It really has no meaning!

  4. Nobody loves me.

  4. Nonsense. I have many friends

  and family. I may not get as

  much love as I want when I want it, but I can work on this.

  5. I'm a failure.

  S. I've succeeded at some things

  and failed at others, just like

  everybody.

  6. My career is over the hill.

  6. I can't do as much as when I was younger, but I can still work and

  produce and create, so why not

  enjoy it?

  7. My lecture was a flop!

  7. It wasn't the best lecture I ever

  gave. In fact, it was below my

  average. But I did get some

  points across, and I can work to

  improve my next lectures. Re-

  member—half my lectures will be,

  below my average, and half will

  be above!

  8. My boyfriend doesn't like me!

  8. He doesn't like me enough for

  what? He may not want to marry

  me, but he takes me out on

  dates, so he must like me par-

  tially.

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  afficult, manipulative patient. I then asked if any of the therapists present thought less of me after hearing about my foible. I was taken aback when one replied in the affirmative, and the following conversation took place:

  THERAPIST (in the audience): I have two thoughts. One thought is a positive one. I appreciate your taking that risk to point out your error in front of the group because I would have been scared to do it I think it takes great courage on your part to do this. But I have to admit I'm ambivalent about you now. Now I know that you do make mistakes, which is realistic, but . . . I feel disappointed in you. In all honesty, I do.

  DAVID: Well, I knew how to handle the patient, but I was so overcome with my anger that I just got caught up in the moment and retaliated. I was overly abrupt in the way I reacted to her. I admit I handled it quite poorly.

  THERAPIST: I guess in the context that you see so many patients each week for so many years, if you make one blunder like that it's definitely not earthshattering. It's not going to kill her or anything. But I do feel let down, I have to admit.

  DAVID: But it isn't just one rare error. I believe that all therapists make many blunders every single day. Either obvious ones or subtle ones. At least I do. How will you come to terms with that? It seems you're quite disappointed in me because I didn't handle that patient effectively.

  THERAPIST: Well, I am. I thought you had a sufficiently wide behavioral repertoire that you could easily handle nearly anything a patient said to you.

  DAVID: Well, that's untrue. I sometimes come up with very helpful things to say in difficult situations, but sometimes I'm not as effective as I'd like to be. I still have a lot to learn. Now with that knowledge, do you think less of me?

  THERAPIST: Yeah. I really do. I have to say that. Because now I see that there's a reasonably easy kind of conflict that can upset you. You were unable to handle it without showing your vulnerabilities.

  DAVID: That's true. At least that time I didn't handle it 329

  David D. Burns, M.D.

  well. It's an area where I need to focus my efforts and grow as a therapist.

  THERAPIST: Well, it shows that at least in that case, and I assume in others, that you don't handle things as well as I thought you did.

  DAVID: I think that's correct. But the question is, why do you think less of me because I am imperfect? Why are you looking down on me? Does it make me less a person to you?

  THERAPIST: You're exaggerating the whole thing now, and I don't feel that you are necessarily of less value as a human or anything like that. But on the other hand, I think you're not as good as a therapist as I thought you were.

  DAVID: That's true. Do you think less of me because of that?

  THERAPIST: As a therapist?

  DAVID: As a therapist or as a person. Do you think less of me?

  THERAPIST: Yes, I suppose I do.

  DAVID: Why?

  THERAPIST: Well, I don't know how to say this. I think "

  therapist" is the primary role that I know you in. I'm disappointed to find you're so imperfect. I had a higher expectation of you. But perhaps you're better in other areas of your life.

  DAVID: I hate to disappoint you, but you'll discover that in many other aspects of my life I'm even more imperfect.

  So if you're looking down on me as a therapist, I presume you'll look down on me more as a person.

  THERAPIST: Well, I do think less of you as a person. I think that's an accurate description of how I'm feeling about you.

  DAVID: Why do you think less of me because I don't measure up to your standard of perfection? I'm a human and not a robot.

  THERAPIST: Pm not sure I understand that question. I judge people in terms of their performance. You goofed up, so you have to face the fact I'll judge you negatively. It's tough, but it's reality. I thought you should perform better because you're our preceptor and our 330

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  teacher. I expected more of you. Now it sounds like I could have handled that patient better than you did!

  DAVID: Well, I think you could have done better than I did with that patient that day, and this is an area where I think I can learn from you. But why do you look down on me for this? If you get disappointed and lose respect each time you notice I've made a mistake, pretty soon you'll be totally miserable, and you'll have no respect for me at all because I've been making errors every day since I was born. Do you want all that discomfort? If you want to continue and enjoy our friendship, and I hope you will, you'll just have to accept the fact that I'm not perfect. Maybe you'd be willing to look for mistakes I make and point them out to me so I can learn from you while I'm teaching you. When I stop making mistakes, I'll lose much of my capacity to grow. Recognizing and correcting my errors and learning from them is one of my greatest assets. And if you can accept my humanity and imperfection, maybe you can also accept your own. Maybe you'll want to feel that it's okay for you to make mistakes too.

  This kind of dialogue transcends the possibility you will feel put down. Asserting your right to make mistakes will paradoxically make you a greater human being. If the other person feels
disappointed, the fault is really his for having set up the unrealistic expectation you are more than human. If you don't buy into that foolish expectation, you won't have to become angry or defensive when you do goof up—nor will you have to feel any sense of shame or embarrassment. The choice is clear-cut: You can either try to be perfect and end up miserable, or you can aim to be human and imperfect and feel enhanced. Which do you choose?

  13. The next method is to focus mentally on a time in your life when you were really happy. What image comes to mind? For me the image is of climbing down into Havasupai Canyon one summer vacation when I was a college student.

  This canyon is an isolated part of the Grand Canyon, and you have to hike in to it or arrange for horses. I went with a friend. Havasupai, an Indian word meaning "blue-green water people," is the name of a turquoise river that bubbles 331

  David D. Burns, M.D.

  out of the desert floor and turns the narrow canyon into a lush paradise many miles long. Ultimately, the Havasupai River empties into the Colorado River. There are a numt-r of waterfalls several hundred feet high, and at the bottom cf each, a green chemical in the water precipitates out an:: makes the river's bottom and edges smooth and polished, jus like a turquoise swimming pool. Cottonwood trees and Jim-sonweed with purple flowers like trumpets line the river abundance. The Indians who live there are easygoing an_

  friendly. It is a blissful memory. Perhaps you have a similar happy memory. Now ask yourself—what was perfect abo:: that experience? In my case, nothing! There were no toilet facilities, and we slept in sleeping bags outdoors. I didn't hike perfectly or swim perfectly, and nothing was perfect. There was no electricity available in most of the village because cf.

  its remoteness, and the only available food in the store was canned beans and fruit cocktail—no meat or vegetables.

  the food tasted darn good after a day of hiking and swimming. So who needs perfection?

  How can you use such a happy memory? When you are having a presumably pleasurable experience—eating out, tal,:-ing a trip, going to a movie, etc.—you may unnecessarily sour the experience by making an inventory of all the ways falls short and telling yourself you can't possibly enjoy it. Btr.

  this is hogwash—it's your expectation that upsets you. Suppose the motel bed is too lumpy and you paid fifty-six dollars for the room. You called the front desk, and they have nc other beds or rooms available. Tough! Now you can double your trouble by demanding perfection, or you can conjure LT

  your "happy, imperfect" memory. Remember the time ye-.1

  camped out and slept on the ground and loved it? So you can certainly enjoy yourself in this motel room if you choose'

  Again, it's up to you.

  .14. Another method for overcoming perfectionism is the "

  greed technique." This is based on the simple fact that MOK of us try to be perfect so we can get ahead in life. It may nct have occurred to you that you might end up much more successful if your standards were lower. For example, when !

  started my academic career, I spent over two years writirr the first research paper I published. It was an excellent preci-uct, and I'm still quite proud of it. But I noticed that in the 332

  FEELING GOOD

  same time period, many of my peers who were of equal intelligence wrote and published numerous papers. So I asked myself—am I better off with one publication that contains ninety-eight "units of excellence," or ten papers that are each worth only eighty units of excellence"? In the latter case, I would actually end up with 800 "excellence units," and I would be way ahead of the game. This realization was a strong personal persuader, and I decided to lower my standards a bit. My productivity then became dramatically enhanced, as well as my levels of satisfaction.

  How can this work for you? Suppose you have a task and you notice you're moving slowly. You may find that you've already reached the point of diminishing returns, and you'd do better by moving on to the next task. I'm not advocating that you slough off, but you may find that you as well as others will be equally if not more pleased with many good, solid performances than with one stress-producing masterpiece.

  15. Here's the last approach. It involves simple logic.

  Premise one: All human beings make mistakes. Do you agree?

  Okay, now tell me: What are you? A human being, you say?

  Okay. Now, what follows? Of course—you will and should

  make mistakes! Now tell yourself this every time you persecute yourself because you made an error. Just say, "I was

  supposed to make that mistake because I'm human!" or "

  How human of me to have made that mistake."

  In addition, ask yourself, "What can I learn from my mistake? Is there some good that could come from this?" As an experiment, think about some error you've made and write down everything you learned from it. Some of the best things can be learned only through making mistakes and learning from them. After all, this is how you learned to talk and walk and do just about everything. Would you be willing to give up that kind of growth? You may even go so far as to say your imperfections and goof-ups are some of your greatest assets. Cherish them! Never give up your capacity for being wrong because then you lose the ability to move forward. In fact, just think what it would be like if you were

  perfect. There'd be nothing to learn, no way to improve, and life would be completely void of challenge and the satisfaction that comes from mastering something that takes effort. It would be like going to kindergarten for the rest of your life.

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  David D. Burns, M.D.

  You'd know all the answers and win every game. Every project would be a guaranteed success because you would do everything correctly. People's conversations would offer you nothing because you'd already know it all. And most important, nobody could love or relate to you. It would be impossible to feel any love for someone who was flawless and knew it all. Doesn't that sound lonely, boring, and miserable? Are you so sure you still want perfection?

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  PART V

  Defeating Hopelessness

  and Suicide

  CHAPTER 15

  The Ultimate Victory:

  Choosing to Live

  Dr. Aaron T. Beck reported in a recent study that suicidal wishes were present in approximately one-third of individuals with a mild case of depression, and in nearly three-quarters of people who were severely depressed.* It has been estimated that as many as 5 percent of depressed patients do actually die as a result of suicide. This is approximately twenty-five times the suicide rate within the general population. In fact, when a person with a depressive illness dies, the chances are one in six that suicide was the cause of death.

  No age group or social or professional class is exempt from suicide; think of the famous people you know of who have killed themselves. Particularly shocking and grotesque—but by no means rare—is suicide among the very young. In a study of seventh- and eighth-grade students in a suburban Philadelphia parochial school, nearly one third of the youngsters were significantly depressed and had suicidal thoughts. Even infants who undergo maternal separation can develop a depressive syndrome in which failure to thrive and even self-imposed death from starvation can result.

  Before you get overwhelmed, let me emphasize the positive side of the coin. First, suicide is unnecessary, and the impulse can be rapidly overcome and eliminated with cognitive techniques. In our study, suicidal urges were reduced substantially in patients treated with cognitive therapy or with antidepressant drugs. The improved outlook on life occurred within the first week or two of treatment in many cognitively treated patients. The current intensive emphasis on the prevention of depressive episodes in individuals prone to mood swings should also result in a long-term reduction in suicidal impulses.

  Why do depressed individuals so frequently think of suicide, and what can be done to prevent these impulses? You will understand this if you examine the thinking of people

  * Beck, Aaron T. Depression: Causes
and Treatment. Philadelphia: University of Pennsylvania Press, 1972, pp. 30-31.

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  David D. Burns, M.D.

  who are actively suicidal. A pervasive, pessimistic vision dominates their thoughts. Life seems to be nothing but a hellish nightmare. As they look into the past, all they can remember are moments of depression and suffering.

  When you feel down in the dumps, you may also feel so low at times that you get the feeling you were never really happy and never will be. If a friend or relative points out to you that, except for such periods of depression, you were quite happy, you may conclude they're mistaken or only trying to cheer you up. This is because while you are depressed you actually distort your memories of the past. You just can't conjure up any memories of periods of satisfaction or joy, so you erroneously conclude they did not exist. Thus, you mistakenly conclude that you always have been and always will be miserable. If someone insists that you have been happy, you may respond as a young patient recently did in my office, "

  Well, that period of time doesn't count. Happiness is an illusion of some kind. The real me is depressed and inadequate. I was just fooling myself if I thought I was happy."

  No matter how badly you feel, it would be bearable if you had the conviction that things would eventually improve. The critical decision to commit suicide results from your illogical conviction that your mood can't improve. You feel certain that the future holds only more pain and turmoil! Like some depressed patients, you may be able to support your pessimistic prediction with a wealth of data which seems to you to be overwhelmingly convincing.

  A depressed forty-nine-year-old stockbroker recently told me, "Doctor, I have already been treated by six psychiatrists over a ten-year-period. I have had shock treatments and all types of antidepressants, tranquilizers, and other drugs. But in spite of it all, this depression won't let up for one minute. I have spent over eighty thousand dollars trying to get well.