by CoraLee June
My lungs burned. My head swarmed. A searing pain in my side made me choke on water as salty sputters coated my throat. I didn’t even fight the ocean. I let her take me—crush me in her fist.
Time passed. Slowly. Excruciatingly slow. One second felt like an eternity as I drowned. My lungs went from burning agony and need to a settled emptiness. Every muscle in my body relaxed, slowly, slowly, slowly. I felt weightless. Free. I looked up at the foamy water knocking against the sharp rock. A shadow passed above me. Black hair. A mischievous smile.
Violet.
Then, two muscular arms grabbed my middle, and they hoisted me out of the water. My first breath felt like a drug. I spasmed as oxygen filled my lungs. The warm, muscular body cradling me yanked me through the current toward the shore, and I felt my head grow heavier and heavier. “Fuck, Breeze. Stay with me,” an angry voice called out.
It wasn’t until I was lying on scorching sand that I rolled over and coughed up more salty ocean water, purging it from my system as I hacked and gagged. And once it was all out of me, I lay there like a shored shark, settling my breathing as awareness wrapped around me like a blanket of urchins. It poked and prodded as a shadowed figure hovered over me.
“You know not to turn your back on the water.” I nodded. I’d been surfing since I was just a toddler. Couldn’t walk, but I knew the laws of the ocean. “You’re going to need stitches.”
I cracked open my eyes and looked down where a stinging pain was blooming on my ribs. There, a four-inch cut splayed across my skin. “That hurts,” I grunted.
Kai was hovering over me, looking at the cut like a skilled surgeon. “Let’s take you to the hospital,” he murmured.
“I’m fine,” I choked back, making Kai grumble.
“You’re not fine. You wanted to talk? Fine. Let’s talk. Let’s talk about how you didn’t even try to get out of that swell. Let’s talk about how you just let it take you. Get your perky ass up and in my truck, Breeze, or I swear to God I’ll throw you over my shoulder and carry you there myself.”
I sat up and dug my hands into the white sand. Kai was breathing hard and staring at me as more blood flowed from the wound. My head felt heavy. My vision blurred. “Fine.”
It was hard walking to the truck. I must have hurt my foot, because it ached with every step. Kai finally got fed up with my slow movements and stayed true to his word, carrying me to his old burnt orange Chevy while cursing under his breath. Once I was safely in the front seat, he walked around the car with angry stomps and slid into the driver’s side.
“I’m sorry,” I croaked, not sure why I was apologizing.
“You should be. Why did you go out there, Breeze?” he asked while speeding down the road.
“I wasn’t planning on surfing...I just wanted to talk.”
“We could have talked at the funeral. I was there. You and Chase weren’t,” Kai replied, his voice accusing.
“I couldn’t be there. I just...I couldn’t handle it.”
“Did Chase hold you while you cried? Did he use his sister’s death to get in your pants? I bet you were willing. I bet you told yourself that it’s what Violet would have wanted when he slid inside your tight little pussy and made you come on the sand.”
I snapped my gaze to Kai and gaped at him. “Fuck you, Kai,” I yelled. Part of me was angry at his crude suggestion, and the other half was disgusted with myself because he wasn’t entirely wrong. That kiss haunted me. It felt like betrayal and grief. “I just wanted to check on you. I know you loved Violet. But it’s obvious you don’t want to be near me.”
We pulled up to a stoplight, and Kai turned in his seat to look at me. Blood was flowing freely from my wound, staining his seat and making me woozy. “You don’t know a thing about what I feel—felt—for Violet,” Kai murmured. “You want to know why I don’t want to see you or speak to you?”
I swallowed, waiting for him to answer.
“Because while I was driving you home, someone killed her. Because while I was at home, thinking of…” Kai shook his head and turned back to face the world. “Violet is gone, Breeze. I need you to leave me alone. I need you to just find comfort elsewhere, because I might not be the person who killed Violet, but I’m still a fucking monster.”
“Kai,” I whispered. How could he see himself that way? What happened that brought on all this guilt? Chase’s earlier words made something dark coil in my gut. It was unfamiliar and spurred me forward. Doubt.
“How are you feeling?” Kai asked after a long moment of silence.
“It hurts, but I’ll survive. Not my first run in with the rocks.”
“You’re not…purposefully trying to hurt yourself, are you? Because that would be really fucking stupid, Breeze.”
I rolled my eyes and leaned on the window while cupping my wound. Fuck, my side was hurting. “I’m not suicidal, asshole,” I growled, making the corner of Kai’s lip twitch. Was that a smile?
“You got the mouth of a sailor, bro.”
“Well, this fucking hurts like a motherfucker. Fuck,” I groaned just to make his lip quirk again. I liked the way his entire face softened. I didn’t enjoy seeing him so angry. What was wrong with me? Kai drove up to the hospital where my mother worked, and parked in the ambulance lane. “Thanks for the ride,” I said while shifting to exit the truck. “Oh, my bike,” I added.
“I’ll go back and bring it to your house,” Kai replied.
“Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me. In fact, please forget I exist. I meant what I said, Breeze. Leave me alone.”
My fingers shook, and I stared at Kai, trying to determine if his plea came from a place of hurt or guilt. “Okay.”
When I got out of the truck, he waited until I was walking through the automatic doors before peeling out of there. Yeah, there was no way in hell I’d be leaving him alone anytime soon.
Dear Diary,
Tonight he parted my legs like the pages of a book. He spoke words over my cunt. He prayed at an altar of trembling fingers and moans. How can something so wrong, feel so right? I know we shouldn’t be together. The world doesn’t see his darkness, but I drink from the depths he hides in his chest. I’m greedy for more, but we should have stopped this ages ago. I fell in love with a lighthouse of a man. I fell in love with a candle in the wind.
XOXO,
Violet
“What were you thinking, baby?” Mom asked while hovering over me. I had been injured before while surfing, but cutting class and finding me bleeding out in her emergency room was a first. I wasn’t usually so reckless; I didn’t cut class. I was a wallflower, the obedient girl that didn’t need rules because it wasn’t in my personality to break them.
“I don’t know. I just wanted to…”
I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I couldn’t truly articulate why I was out there. Why I went to chat with Kai alone. Why I dove into the rock garden. I just wanted to feel alive. I just wanted to feel something.
“I’m worried about you,” Mom whispered. I swung my feet over the edge of the hospital bed and stared up at her blue eyes. Mom looked tired. She’d been working more hours at the hospital and helped Dad with the shop while I was grieving. She didn’t once complain. She had the patience of a saint, and I suddenly felt bad for being so reckless and selfish. There wasn’t a guidebook to grief. It was like this never-ending wave full of ebbs and flows that hit me unexpectedly. I felt manic and depressed. It was like straddling numbness and a tailspin of emotions.
“You don’t need to worry. I’m fine.” My voice was harsher than I intended, but I was feeling annoyed. I didn’t need to explain myself.
“You’re not fine. You’re hurting, baby. And it’s normal to hurt. But you missed Violet’s funeral. Now you’re skipping class. You went to the rock garden. This isn’t you.”
I shook my head and stood up. My side ached. Eleven stitches were holding me together, and every move had a bone-deep ache wrecking my body. “I’m fine,” I reiterated.
/> “Stop saying you’re fine when you’re not!” Mom was yelling now, which was something she rarely did. She was a quiet force. White hot tears streamed down my face, and I swatted them away like they were mosquitos. “Maybe you should stay home a few more days? Do you need to talk to someone?”
“I want Violet, Mom. I want my best friend back. I want my routine back. I want to go to school and see her standing by my locker with the latest gossip. I want to wake up from this fucking nightmare I’m in. Because it doesn’t feel real. It doesn’t feel fair. I saw her battered body in the woods. Blood everywhere. I chased off a pig with her flesh in its mouth. I can’t close my eyes without seeing her lifeless eyes. Violet’s gone, Mom. So right now, I’m a little bit of a mess. I’m a little bit reckless. I just need you to stop asking me to talk about my feelings, because if I talk about how much it fucking hurts to imagine a future without her in it, then I won’t ever feel okay again. College. Weddings. Babies. I have an entire life ahead of me, and she has nothing. Nothing.”
I broke down, collapsing to my knees on the hospital ground. My side burned at the movement, but I welcomed the pain. Did Violet feel anything when she died? Was she hurting? Did she pass peacefully or with a fight? Mom sobbed while crouching beside me. Her arms wrapped me in a crushing hug, and the pain of her comfort stung more than my wounds. It all hurt. It hurt so fucking much.
“Okay, baby. If you want me to stop asking, I will. But let’s check in with each other, okay? You don’t have to go through this alone,” she promised. “I just want to help you, and I don’t know how.”
I wiped my face with the back of my hand and sobbed more. I didn’t know how to help myself, either. I just knew I needed to figure out what happened to her.
My bedroom felt like a shrine to Violet. Pictures of us covered the walls. Her clothes were in my closet. Her makeup bag was on my dresser. Even the calming white walls and pale blue bedding couldn’t tame the storm in my heart. Mom had taken me home and gone back to the hospital to finish her shift, and Dad was taking inventory at the shop. I had welcomed the silence. In fact, I was looking forward to a secluded night alone with my thoughts. But of course, I wasn’t allowed to wallow. I was lying down and sulking when my door opened. Chase walked in like a ball of fire, storming into my room as I lay on my mattress.
“Your mom called me. What the fuck were you thinking? You could have been killed, Breezy.”
Chase stood over me, and I let out a sigh. “I just wanted to talk to him. I went surfing. Got hurt. No big deal.”
“It’s a big fucking deal, Breeze.”
I sat up with a wince before glaring at him. “I know it was a big deal. I’m not in the mood to discuss it. I’m not in the mood to be yelled at—again—for being reckless. And I’m not in the mood to discuss anything Violet-related for the rest of the night. I want to just sit here and not think about anything. So if you’re here to yell at me, feel free to march your ass right back out that door.”
Chase dropped his mouth open in shock and stared at me with wide eyes. I returned his incredulous look with a pointed stare. “I don’t think you’ve ever talked to me like that.” I rolled my eyes. I was usually the docile sheep standing in the corner of a party. But I didn’t want to be her right now. I glared harder. “Fine!” Chase exclaimed. “Let’s just sit here, then.” He moved over to sit on the bed and picked at his nails beside me.
My chest flared with emotion. It wasn’t even fair that it took a tragedy to get Chase alone in my bedroom. It wasn’t even fair that I was having thoughts about having Chase alone in my bedroom while Violet was…
“So, am I doing this right?” Chase asked.
“Doing what?”
“Sitting here. Were we just going to sit here all night in silence?”
I slowly lay back down with another wince, my side burning with pain. “It’s only been fifteen seconds, Chase. If you don’t like it, leave.”
Instead of doing that, Chase migrated beside me on the bed. He kept his nose just barely an inch from mine. Our air mixed. I breathed in his masculine scent of Old Spice and salt water.
“I’m sorry, Breeze. I didn’t mean to push. I’m just worried about you. I can’t lose you too. I’m not going anywhere. I’m perfectly happy to sit here with you all night and not say another word. Let me take care of you,” he whispered.
“Okay, but I’m not having sex with you. So don’t try anything,” I said bluntly, gesturing to the bandage covering my side. I don’t know what made me say that. Other than just being himself and exuding sex from his very being, he hadn’t said or done anything out of line. Maybe the kiss at Violet’s funeral had permanently ruined our dynamic.
“Hope to die,” Chase said stoically, drawing a cross over his heart.
His seriousness made me giggle, causing a fresh wave of pain to cascade down my side. But it was worth it. This was the first time I had laughed in weeks, and I felt the tension, harshness, and anger melt away. At this moment, I was just a girl sitting with her friend, and I didn’t want to let go of that.
“How about a movie?” I asked, wanting to hold on to the feeling of normalcy for a little longer. We could both use the brief distraction a movie would bring.
Chase nodded and went to the living room. My family didn’t watch much TV, we all preferred to be outdoors surfing or hiking. On the rare occasion we were all home and inside, we played board games. So all we had was an old school television set with a DVD player. Chase carried them both into my room at the same time and set them on top of my dresser. He plugged everything in, popped in the movie, and left my room again.
When Chase came back, he was carrying a bowl of popcorn sprinkled with peanut M&M’s. It was our favorite movie snack. I couldn’t remember which one of our parents started giving us popcorn like that, but after that, we had to have it every single time. He came around the bed to my good side and got in, setting the bowl between us.
We watched the rom-com he picked in easy silence. Chase had always claimed to like rom-coms because he said they helped improve his game. But I knew that, secretly, he liked grand gestures and finding love in unlikely places. He might have been a bit of a man whore, but he wanted more.
I wasn’t paying any attention to the characters on the screen. I was lost in my own thoughts, and I knew that Chase was feeling the same emptiness I was. But neither one of us wanted to break the spell of chocolaty popcorn and watching other people’s lives instead of actively participating in our own.
When the movie was over, I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. I let them fall freely. Chase slid his fingers into mine and gave my hand a squeeze.
“Why would someone do this?” I asked, not really specifically to Chase but more to the universe.
Chase sat quietly for a few moments. When he did finally speak, his voice was gloomy and full of emotion. “My parents left again. The morning after the funeral. They said they couldn’t bear to be in the house without Violet anymore. But the thing is, I can’t either. Especially not alone. I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin.”
“Me too,” I said. I had never seen Chase so vulnerable before. “I hate being alone, and I hate being around other people. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t function. Every time I close my eyes, I see her mangled and alone. I feel guilty because she was only in the woods because she was looking for me. It’s my fault.”
“It’s not—”
“Don’t tell me it’s not my fault,” I snapped.
Chase squeezed my hand. “What we saw was traumatizing. It’s normal to struggle with coping. But don’t take it out on me. We’re struggling together. We will punish Kai together.”
At the mention of Kai, I stiffened. “About that…”
Chase perked up. “Did he say anything?”
I shrugged. “He was mostly angry that I showed up. He told me to stay away, but...he called himself a monster. He sounded...guilty about something. I mean, he took me to the hospital. He seemed to genuinely care.
I don’t know. I’m going to try and talk to him again.”
Chase nodded and pressed his forehead to mine. The closeness was an intimacy that made me hum with shame. “This was exactly the kind of conversation you wanted to avoid, huh?” Chase asked.
“Pretty much.” What happened to the quiet evening of avoidance?
“It’s getting late, anyway. I should go…”
I snapped my hand out and grabbed his shirt, clutching it in my fist. I didn’t want him to go back to his empty house. “Don’t go. Let’s just sleep, okay?”
Chase kissed my forehead. “Okay. Let’s sleep.”
“Do you need help getting ready for bed?” Chase asked as he got out of bed and peeled his own clothes off. I must have been staring at his defined surfer’s body for a little too long because he followed up with, “Breezy? Did you hear me?”
“Can you just help me out of the bed? I can do the rest myself.” I had to go to the bathroom, but there was no way I was letting him help me with that. Chase obliged, coming over to my side, and sweeping his arm around to my good side, he lifted me to my feet like I weighed nothing.
After I finished my bedtime routine, I came back out into the bedroom and gingerly lifted my shirt over my head.
“Oh shit! Breeze, you’re bleeding!” Chase exclaimed. I looked down and saw that my bandage had a few spots of blood, but nothing as dramatic as Chase made it out to be. I forgot that my mom told me to change the dressing. More like, willfully pushed it to the back of my mind because things like changing my own bandage made me woozy.
“Will you help me? I just need to put on a fresh bandage.”
Chase turned slightly pale, and then he helped lay me back on the bed. He cautiously peeled off the bandage and then winced at what was underneath. I hadn’t really had the chance to look at the damage after I got sewn up, but I’m sure I would be wincing too.