Why I Love My Gay Boyfriend

by Sabrina Zollo

  “What’s wrong?” Stevie asked. “You’re so boring this morning.”

  “Sorry, I have my performance review with Savannah and I’m kinda nervous about it.”

  “Oh, don’t worry about it. I have my performance review today, too. You’d be fired by now if they hated you.”

  “You mean Savannah doesn’t hate me?” I was shocked.

  “Well, she talks to you doesn’t she? And she knows your name. That’s a promising sign.”

  “Not really. If she can identify me that’ll make it easier for her to fire me.”

  “There’s nothing to be scared of. A performance review goes like this: you’re good at blah, blah, blah. You suck at blah, blah, blah. And then, you just spend the next year trying to suck less at what you suck at.”

  “What about what you’re good at?” I asked.

  “Oh, they don’t pay much attention to that. You would have been fired a long time ago if you weren’t actually good at something.”

  Stevie’s little pep talk didn’t reassure me of my safety at Gisele. The only thing I was good at doing at Gisele was being Stevie’s straight girlfriend.

  I could usually tell how well a meeting with Savannah would go by the behaviour of her head of snakes. They seemed disinterested when I entered her office. That was a very good indication. They were only interested if there was going to be humiliation and tears.

  Savannah’s facial muscles were struggling to smile from lack of use as I sat down solemnly at her desk.

  “You performance has been satisfactory so this should be a quick meeting.”

  Indeed, there were no surprises, since Savannah was very quick at telling me when I sucked anyway. This meeting was a summary of those times. Having someone tell you how much you suck again still burned the second time around but it was like getting dumped again by a boyfriend with whom you got back together– expected and inevitable. You could see it coming and brace yourself. I almost wasn’t listening.

  But then Savannah completely surprised me with a raise. It was unfathomable to me that she deemed me worthy of a raise. She said it so off-hand and quickly that I almost missed it. It was only three thousand dollars and it was probably because they undercut my starting salary due to my lack of negotiation skills, but hey, I’ll take whatever I could get.

  “Thanks,” I said, unable to hide my surprise.

  A snake from Savannah’s head of snakes smirked at me, no doubt smug in the knowledge of how much more Savannah made than me. Or maybe, the snake was trying to smile at me and like Savannah, a genuine smile looked strange and out-of-place. I dared to smile back at the snake.

  “Keep up the good work,” Savannah tried to forced a smile again. I wasn’t sure what work I was good at but I was grateful to be let off so easy.

  “Oh and by the way, our research budget got cut so we can’t conduct the multi-mascara research you had recommended. You’ll need to come up with another idea that costs nothing. Next week, please.”

  My mouth and heart dropped. I had spent countless hours setting it up with the research company and it was scheduled to take place next week. Most of the budget had been spent. “It’s too late. I don’t think I can cancel it at this point.”

  “I’m sure you’ll find a way,” Savannah answered. “Things are going so well. Don’t mess it up now.” Oh, but what clever timing to break the news, you little devil. “And I’m still waiting to hear about your innovative ideas for the Phat Lash launch.”

  I couldn’t wait to tell Stevie that he was right. And ask him to save my ass again. I headed straight to his cube.

  To my confusion and horror, Stevie was packing boxes.

  “Did you get fired?” I asked, panicked. He needed to save my ass. How would my ass survive without Stevie?

  “No, no, quite the opposite!” Stevie was beaming. “I got promoted to manager. I’m moving to an office!”

  There was a moment of silence while I tried to absorb my reaction. Was I jealous? What would happen to our relationship now that he was my superior? How horrible a friend was I that I was not instantly happy for him but jealous?

  “Congratulations!” I finally said, hoping that my face had not betrayed my evil thoughts. “Well-deserved.” It was well-deserved. Stevie was the only person who made any sense at Gisele when he spoke. I tried to remember where he ranked in Chloe’s Tracker.

  “Thanks – we can finally speak privately in my office without my cube neighbours hearing everything.” OMG, they hear everything? “How fa-bu is that?”

  “It’s definitely fa-bu,” I repeated, deciding not to tell him about my measly raise. Besides, now that I knew his cube neighbours could hear everything, it would be inappropriate and unprofessional.

  “So how did your performance review go?” Stevie asked.

  “It was OK,” I shrugged. “You were right. No big deal.”

  I was surprised to get a text from Jamie inviting me out to a celebration dinner with Stevie that Friday night. This was the first time I would see Jamie since the barren conversation and unfortunately, I had no change in status since then, except for growing desperation. But this night was all about Stevie and how much more wonderful he was than me so hopefully the topic of barrenness wouldn’t come up.

  I was horrified by my jealousy and was trying to grapple with my wicked thoughts. Stevie already had it all – a great boyfriend, perfect fashion sense and a new promotion. A celebration dinner was a little ooh, I’m so happy, in your face. Was it not?

  “Thanks for coming,” Jamie hugged me when I arrived at Blowfish, Stevie’s favourite sushi restaurant. Jamie was so nice that I let him get away with hugging me even though we only met once before.

  “I wouldn’t want to miss the big celebration dinner!” I wondered if Blowfish served Jäger?

  “Oh no, please don’t think of it like that. It’s just an excuse for Stevie to spend time with people he loves. After all, what good is success if you can’t share it with people you love?”

  So true, Oprah, and way to make me feel like a small, small person for feeling jealous of such wonderful people.

  “It would be pretty lonely,” I agreed, my selfish thoughts banished by the mention of Oprah, the gleaming beacon of all that is good with humanity.

  “You didn’t tell Stevie that you were coming did you?” Jamie asked. “I want him to be surprised.”

  “I kept it secret because you promised not to talk about my barrenness,” I said.

  “Right,” Jamie laughed. “You have nothing to worry about – you’re young, beautiful, vivacious, you have it all.” I really needed to get more gay friends. “Stevie gushes about you all the time. He just adores you. Thanks for being such a great friend to Stevie.”

  I smiled to cover up my guilt. Yup, feeling like an asshole right about now…

  No wonder Stevie was terrified of losing Jamie. How perfect was he? Hell, I like Jamie so much, I’m terrified of Stevie losing Jamie!

  “You’re really wonderful to Stevie too,” I continued the love fest. “He’s over the moon about you.”

  “Really?” Jamie asked, like a little schoolboy in love. Before I could puke from the nausea that comes from being exposed to people obnoxiously in love, I was distracted by squeals.

  Stevie’s other friends had arrived and the love fest unceremoniously ended. They looked and sounded identically phony and annoying except that one had man boobs, inappropriately displayed in his ill-fitting shirt. It was also evident that he was cold.

  “Oh, you must be Stevie’s latest fag hag,” one said to me as I introduced myself, while Man Boobs giggled.

  “What?” I was horrified that Stevie actually considered such tasteless ruffians to be friends. But I was also strangely redeemed, as it made me feel less small and evil. Self-reassurance was all about relativity. Find a benchmark low enough and you could possibly be Mother freakin’ Theresa.

  “Don’t listen to them,” Jamie told me as they ran off to the bar to order saké. “They’re a li
ttle immature.”

  “The new lighting on the CN Tower is so tacky. It looks like a giant dildo,” I heard Ruffian complain loudly as Jamie and I took a seat at our table.

  “I don’t know what kind of sex parties you go to, but can you please invite me next time?” Man Boobs retorted.

  “Oh, honey, you’re as desperate as a woman who needs a good vag-azzling.” Ruffian responded nonsensically. I wisely decided against asking Jamie for a translation.

  Ruffian and Man Boobs were worth it when Stevie arrived and was so touched that he seemed to fight off tears.

  “Jamie’s a god,” Man Boobs gushed to Stevie in clear range of Jamie. “Where have you been hiding him?”

  “Keep your hands off of him!” Stevie said as a mock warning.

  “No chance of that! Just don’t fuck it up. He’s yours to lose.” Terror washed over Stevie’s face as my mouth dropped open in disbelief. Man Boobs was way nastier than Ruffian!

  “Stevie, you couldn’t possibly screw it up.” I interjected. “Jamie’s madly in love with you. Seriously, take it from a barren lady. It’s nauseating.”

  Stevie laughed and I was glad to briefly distract him from the evil forces of Ruffian and Man Boobs.

  “So, how do you know Stevie?” Man Boobs turned his unwanted attention towards me.

  “I work with Stevie at Gisele.” I said, leaning away from him, disgusted, as if I were Heidi and he were a carb.

  “Ew. How could you sell that shit?” Ruffian scowled, another unwanted participant of the conversation.

  “Pardon me?”

  “Cosmetics are tested on animals and cause cancer.”

  I was speechless as I tried to process the onslaught of nastiness. Cancer?

  “I only wear organic makeup that hasn’t been tested on animals,” Man Boobs said, seeming to feed off of my visible distress. Ironically, they cared more about animal welfare than basic humanity to people.

  “How do you know that’s true?” I asked, uncomfortable having my values challenged by such unwholesome and unlikable people.

  “Ask Stevie. When he started working at Gisele, we sent him all the information he needs to know about the issue,” Ruffian smirked.

  “Why don’t you educate yourself about your job?” Man Boobs added smugly.

  I felt sick to my stomach. I realized that the whole table was silent as Jamie and Stevie awkwardly listened to the whole exchange.

  “Hey newsflash, Ronnie,” Stevie came to my rescue with the one thing he knew best – fashion. “Denim on denim is back. Can you believe it?”

  “Was it ever in?” Man Boobs sneered.

  “Yeah, but you weren’t born yet so you wouldn’t know,” Jamie finally shut Man Boobs down.

  “Does that mean I get to drink as many espressos as I want like a civilized person again?” I asked Stevie.

  “It means you can stop pretending that you’re not.” Stevie laughed.

  Ruffian and Man Boobs were momentarily disarmed in their confusion while Jamie smiled, letting Stevie and me have our moment.

  I may be Stevie’s fag hag but at least I’m a fag hag who cares. So take that, you nasty ruffians.

  Despite the fact that Ruffian and Man Boobs were nasty little assholes, their accusations of cancer and animal abuse had been haunting me ever since the dinner. I couldn’t subdue my conscience with Stevie since he was suddenly much less accessible, pulled into the responsibilities of his new managerial role. As a result, I found myself spending a lot of quality time with Sydney. Sydney was cool but I admittedly felt less fabulous in her company.

  “So your market research idea went over OK with Savannah,” I was updating Sydney over espresso by the garden. The garden seemed lackluster without Stevie’s glittering personality but Caden soon arrived in all his glorious manhood and my world was happy again.

  “Of course,” she replied.

  “But the research budget got cut so I had to cancel.”

  “Shit. You’re screwed.”

  “Thanks for the reassurance. Any ideas?”

  As Sydney racked her brain, I watched Heidi and her entourage at the bar. Although I was not proficient at reading lips, I could see Jasmine Tit, saying “my boyfriend” several times. I gritted my teeth as I saw Chloe flirt shamelessly with Caden. Tackier than denim on denim. Her makeup looked gaudy compared to Heidi’s toned down version of herself. A flash went off in my head and this time it wasn’t caused by Caden’s teeth.

  “Never mind, I just thought of something.” I said.

  “What?”

  “I don’t need to pay mascara-obsessed women to tell me about their insecurities. They’re right here in the building.” I gestured towards the coffee bar.

  “You’re crazy if you think they’re going to help you.” I was crazy if I was going to share any more of my brilliant idea with Sydney. Heidi owed me and now she could finally pay me back.

  “Speaking of insanity,” I changed the subject. “Stevie’s friends are crazy. Nasty little buggers. They called me a fag hag!”

  Sydney laughed. “Nasty, but it’s true.”

  “They told Stevie not to screw up his relationship with Jamie.”

  “They’re probably just jealous.” Sydney shrugged.

  “Oh and get this. They got on this freaking high horse about cosmetics causing cancer and how they’re tested on animals.”

  “Yeah, it sucks about the animal testing. I’ve never heard of the cancer thing. But I’d rather not think about it. Ignorance is bliss, right?”

  I don’t know if I ever was blissful but ever since Ruffian and Man Boobs planted the seed, I was certainly no longer ignorant. Sydney was nice in her own passive-aggressive way, but I needed Stevie.

  Unfortunately, Stevie was totally AWOL and whenever I saw a glimpse of him, he seemed to have an unusually harried look about him. It was a little disturbing for me to see Stevie, the eye of my storm, to be so visibly out of sorts.

  The next week, I stopped by his office one late night before I left. His office, usually impeccably organized, looked like it had morphed into a hoarder’s house. He hadn’t fully unpacked yet from his move so there were still half unpacked boxes, several old food containers and haphazard stacks of folders and paper piled precariously high.

  “Hey, how’s it going stranger?” Unable to enter his office, I leaned against the doorway, crossing my arms.

  “Good, good,” he was clearly lying. “Sorry I’ve been so MIA. Things are super busy, I’m trying to get up to speed but there’s been a product recall and one of my launches is delayed…and I don’t really know what I’m doing…it’s a complete nightmare.”

  “I understand. Are you leaving soon?”

  “Yeah, yeah, I just have to finish something first. Or maybe a couple of things…”

  “Maybe you should just call it a day and leave now. You can’t get much done when you’re tired,” I suggested. I decided it was a bad time to ask him about cancer and animal abuse.

  “Do I look tired?” Stevie asked, alarmed that his cover was blown.

  “No,” I lied. “It’s late so if you’re not tired you wouldn’t be human. Come on, let’s go.”

  “You’re right,” he sighed. He grabbed his man bag off the floor. That’s when I knew something was really wrong. Ordinarily Stevie would never put his Louis Vuitton on the floor.

  “Is everything OK?” I asked as we headed out.

  “Yeah, great, why do you ask?”

  “No reason, you just seemed a little distracted…”

  Stevie sighed audibly again. “I can’t get Irving’s words out of my head.”

  “Who’s Irving?”

  “Do you remember him from the dinner at Blowfish?” Ew, that was his name? No wonder he was nasty. With a name like that, it was his destiny.

  “Yeah, what’s up with your friends? They’re mean, horrible people.”

  Stevie shook his head apologetically. “They don’t take well to new people but they’re super fun —”


  “Who cares if they’re super fun if they’re super douche bags? You know you deserve way better than that, right? So, what did Irving say that bothered you, other than absolutely everything?”

  “He told me not to fuck it up with Jamie and it’s just…totally messing with my head.”

  “And that’s exactly why he said it – to mess with you. Don’t listen to Irving. His name’s Irving. And he has man boobs.”

  “I call them moobs.”

  “Anyway, he’s just jealous. He’s so insecure that he needs to make people feel bad just so he can feel better about his moobs.”

  “But I really am scared that I’m going to screw it up, even before Irving said anything. He just made me more paranoid about it. It’s all I worry about now.”

  “You’re so tired and overworked you’re not thinking straight. You should take a cab home. I’ll convince you how ridiculous you are some other time.”

  Stevie agreed he needed to get some sleep but I was worried. I would have never thought three months ago that I would be in this position – comforting and giving advice to my mentor at Gisele. I hoped his crisis would pass soon and I would get my Stevie back. He has a well-dressed ass to save.

  Chapter 14: Enlightened

  I was counting down to The Enlightened’s show at The Rivoli like it was 1999. Leading up to Carpenter Boy’s gig, I sent countless texts, emails and Facebook messages until Jackie told me she wouldn’t go if she received one more f’ing reminder. Calista asked me if I was going to set up a Facebook Fan Page for the event because if so, she would sabotage it. Lindsay told me I was obsessing about the event more than she was obsessing about her wedding and it was not normal.

  Stevie was still swept up with the Perfect Storm of his new assignment. He hadn’t responded to my stalker texts. I hoped that he wasn’t ignoring me. It wasn’t the show that I cared about so much, it was the fact that Stevie and my girls were finally going to meet. I may have been a little obsessively nervous that they wouldn’t get along. The Merging of the Friends was sometimes an awkward and disappointing affair.

  My girls showed up promptly on time and were justifiably annoyed when I showed up half an hour late, unable to steal away from work any earlier. I apologized profusely and thanked them excessively.