by Caleb Karger
“I hate those dreams.”
She rubbed her temples. “No kidding.”
“Maybe if you tried telling someone about the things you’ve lost instead of holding it all in, the dreams wouldn’t be so bad,” I said.
She made an apprehensive expression. “You’re not going to let this go, are you?”
“Probably not, but only because I know it’d be good for you,” I said. “I know what it’s like to try to hold everything in. You don’t want anyone to think you’re weak, but some days you need someone to understand how much it sucks to be you.”
“I don’t think I have a right to say it sucks to be me. I mean look around at all I have, all I can do,” she said, taking in the view of the valley. The scenery was dream-like under the moonlight. “It doesn’t suck. It’s just very hard.” For a long time, we sat in silence. Katherine tugged and fiddled with the corner of her blanket. “And I’m not the type of person who can just share their worst memories with someone. I’m used to suffering in silence.”
I snorted. “I’m the same way! I’ve never shared my worst memories with anyone. I’m too humiliated by them.”
Katherine frowned. She didn’t seem to like the idea that I had terrible memories. “What do you mean? What happened?” she asked like she was ready to go dish out punishment.
I froze as I realized I backed myself into a corner. “I…well…”
A light filled her eyes as she realized what I’d done. She grinned and leaned back. “Does someone not feel like spilling their guts about a painful past? Should I keep pestering you, hoping you’ll eventually cave because, and I quote, ‘it’ll be good for you?’”
I pretended to scowl at her. She giggled and went back to staring at the flames—no doubt feeling victorious. But she had a point; I couldn’t expect her to open up if I didn’t. I debated whether to let the whole thing go or gather the guts to be honest. After a couple of quiet minutes, I decided to go for it.
“I was walking to the bus stop after school when Derek and his friends caught up with me. They threw me up against a wall so I couldn’t get away. It all happened in a rush; I didn’t fully know what happened until later. But they ripped up my shirt and wrote stuff like freak, worthless, and ugly on me while they spat on me and kicked me. They shoved one of those jelly filled donuts in my mouth and some creamy cookie thing in my hair. I never even ate that stuff. They took a picture of it and sent it to the entire school.
“The bullying got a lot worse after that. I’d get texts from people I didn’t even know saying ‘fat people should die’ and ‘you’re dumb.’ They’d post things online. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get away from that stupid picture.
“I was too ashamed to tell my mom. The teachers knew what was going on and they didn’t do anything to stop it. I never felt so alone. I didn’t have much confidence but after that…I had nothing. I honestly thought I was useless and disgusting. I gave up hopes of ever finding friends.
“The depression only made me eat more, and I hated myself even more for that. Some days I didn’t even want to exist.” I swallowed hard. “If I hadn’t met you, I don’t know if I could’ve made it through another year. I might’ve dropped out and been stuck delivering pizzas forever, living in my mom’s basement—and no one thinks that guy is cool.” My voice was threatening to crack, and I had to fight to keep it steady. “You’re the only one that has ever made me feel special…and wanted.”
Katherine’s eyes were a swirl of anger, disgust, sympathy, and guilt. She squeezed my hand. “I’m sorry they treated you that way. No one should think that about themselves.” I nodded and did my best to hide my watery eyes. But she turned my head and looked me in the eye. “You’re the most sincere and thoughtful and caring guy I’ve ever met. Don’t ever think you’re not good enough. You’re better than enough, Daniel. You are great, okay?”
Those were words I’d thought I never hear. It was like seeing a pig fly. It took a second to process it. I made a wobbly, weak smile. “Okay.”
Her grip on my hand didn’t loosen, and we stayed that way for a while. She was squeezing out all of the negative things I ever thought about myself.
Eventually, she sighed. “Alright, I suppose it’s my turn then?”
I shook my head. “No, it’s okay if you don’t want to.”
“I know.” She rubbed my knuckles with her thumb. She got up and went to the back door. “Well, come on.” She beckoned me inside.
I followed her back upstairs. I thought she was taking me to my room to talk, but we passed my door. We kept going until we came to the double doors at the end of the hall.
“I thought you said I couldn’t go in there.”
“I’m making an exception,” she said and slipped inside. I gulped and went in.
The room looked nothing like a bedroom. Covering every available wall space were shelves stuffed with books, precious gems found in caves, and ancient artifacts. Four long windows overlooked the garden. In the center of the room was a mahogany desk with copper globes on it. Everything in the room gave it an earthy tone from the grays and soft green colors to all of the rough wood finishing. The whole room was unnaturally neat and organized, it was hard to believe someone lived in it.
“How do you sleep in here if there’s no bed?” I asked.
She laughed and pointed up to a loft area. All I could see was the railing. I was tempted to wander up there, but I didn’t think she’d appreciate that.
As Katherine unlocked a chest, I stepped closer to the bookshelves. Judging by the titles, most of the books were historical fiction. I read through a dozen but stopped when I came to a framed picture.
I guessed it was an old school photo. The girl was sitting at a desk holding an apple. She had frizzy hair that looked like a curly explosion and wore a flowery print dress with mega poofy shoulders. She had an awkward smile due to the headgear attached to her braces. Her entire expression seemed like she’d tried to laugh but snorted, and as the embarrassment began to fill her eyes, they’d snapped the picture.
“Don’t look at that!” Katherine snatched the picture from the shelf and hid it behind her.
“Was that you?” I asked. She slapped a hand over her face and watched me through her fingers. I grinned. “It is, isn’t it?”
“No one’s supposed to see this.” She groaned and put the picture back. It was crazy to think that the goofy girl in the photo grew up into…well…all that Katherine was now.
“Why? It’s not that bad.”
“It’s not that bad?! Look at my face!”
I chuckled. “I like it.”
“Well, then, you must be blind,” she said and turned away before I could see her smiling. “Come sit before you find something else to embarrass me with.”
She brought me over to the corner where two white armchairs guarded a table. Stacks of books surrounded them. I realized these were the chairs she’d often fall asleep on while reading. Once I sat down, I saw the thing she’d taken out of the chest; it looked like a wire with suction cups on both ends. She stuck one to my temple and the other on hers.
“What is this?”
She gave me a scolding look. “You haven’t been reading your handbook, have you?” she said. “It’s a Mind Wire. Preservation uses it to implant or pull memories from witnesses who aren’t easily silenced.”
“How’d you get one then?”
“It’s a long story. Basically, the guy who owned this one died, and now I have it,” she said. “Now, shh, while I concentrate.” She closed her eyes. I sat back and wondered how a wire and suction cups could—
Suddenly, I was sitting in a crowded auditorium. Everyone around me was in a ninja uniform. In the dim light, all I could see were floating eyes and foreheads. They were all clapping and cheering. Someone touched my shoulder.
I looked back to see a man. His uniform was different than everyone else’s. Instead of a black shirt, his was brown and trimmed with cream and white colored bands around the neck.
His cloth belt was a brilliant scarlet. On his head was a metal conical Asian hat. Side by side around the bottom of the hat were small red wooden squares. Above the red border was a gold strip, and the pointy tip of the hat was bright green metal.
“I want to speak with you,” he said with a grainy voice. I nodded and got up to follow him. Either I had shrunk, or everyone else had grown. I’d somehow lost a few inches in height.
Where was I? How’d I get here? I almost didn’t have to wonder because the answer was already in my head. I was at a ceremony for a retiring jonin. I even knew the man I was following. I’d known him for nine years. He was my commander, Sirus. He was like a father to me, especially now since—my mind was abruptly bombarded with images. I saw a burning house, my sister screaming for help as the flames ate away at her skin, my mother lying motionless on a hospital bed, and the voice of my father filled my head…you did this! Get out of this room and stay away from us! Get out!
For a moment, an unbearable agony strangled me until it was impossible to breathe. Tears threatened to spill from my eyes. I took a deep breath and tried to push the memories back. I shuddered from the immense hole blown into my chest. I grasped my shirt just to make sure I was still intact.
Get it together, don’t let them see you like this, I thought. I staggered forward, then I forced myself to stand up tall, shoulders back, and wiped any expression I had on my face. I am a rock. I feel nothing.
I followed my commander outside to a garden lit up by floating paper lanterns. Now that we were alone, he took his mask off. Without his uniform, he was wearing a golf shirt and dress pants.
Even though he still looked to be twenty-five, he was much older. It was written clearly in his weary eyes. The years and the missions had slowly taken their toll.
“Well, Katherine, I’m sure you know what it is I’ve brought you out here for,” he said.
Now I understood what was happening. I hadn’t gone anywhere. I was experiencing Katherine’s memories. I could see what she saw; I could feel what she felt. I was able to separate myself a little from her so things could make more sense in my mind.
“Do we have to have this conversation?” Katherine asked. She sounded tired like she hadn’t slept in days.
“It’s time, and you know it.”
She knew this had been coming for a long time now. In the beginning, whenever the team went on missions her commander was always giving orders and long speeches. They couldn’t do anything without his guidance, but lately, he’d been quiet. He only went on missions to observe rather than to help.
It was the natural order of things. Parents eventually had to let their children go, and teachers must stop teaching at some point. The only problem was that this was the most inconvenient time to be on her own. Her squad was the only family she had left.
“I’m not ready,” she said and kicked the sand beneath her feet. “I’m the weakest one on the team, and you’d be stupid to recommend me.”
The insult didn’t faze him. He pointed to her as he sat down on a big rock. “No one is born great. No one’s circumstances make them great. People become great when they choose to be. When I look at you, I see a girl fully capable of making that choice,” he said. “There’s never going to be a perfect time. Sometimes you’ve just got to jump.”
“You can’t force me to be a commander. I won’t do it,” she said.
His brow furrowed. “Then you’d be doing a grave injustice to the world by holding back! And you can’t say that you aren’t! You’re not that dishonest with yourself.”
“You have six other genin you can recommend! What about Argo? Or, Juniper? They’re the better choices.”
“They’ll get theirs in due time. They’re not the ones sticking around because they’re afraid,” he said.
She lowered her head. His comment had stung because it was true, but how could she be expected to guide a team when she felt so lost? Every decision she’d made lately, she’d second guessed. If her teammates weren’t there to fix her mistakes, someone else would get hurt. How many more people were going to die under her watch?
“I understand things have been hard after what happened with your family,” he said. “You could’ve broken down and given up, but instead you came back, more determined to do your duty than ever. That’s what being a commander is all about, pressing on when it makes no sense to, and giving it all you got. Not another soul on my squad has given as much as you.”
“I can’t, okay? I just can’t!”
They both stopped moving. She knew there was more they both wanted to say, but it’d be like putting salt on a wound. At last, he sighed and showed signs of life.
“The folks from the Science Division want to go to the ice cap, think there’s something there, something important.”
Her heart fluttered. “By the ice cap do you mean…?”
He looked at her with a heaviness in his eyes. “Aye, the Great White. Not the Arctic.”
“Have they lost their minds?! Forget trying to survive the cold, how will they get past what else is down there?!” she said.
“I believe that’s where our squad comes in.”
Without warning, the world became jumbled, like someone had hit the fast-forward button. Other memories rushed past. I caught bits of conversations and emotions. Then the chaos stopped.
Katherine was now strapped into a seat on some air craft. Ninja occupied all of the seats; her teammates were in the regular black uniform, and the researchers with them wore an entirely white one.
Argo, a guy who always looked like he was squinting because a smile must’ve never left his face, was sitting on her left. On her right was Juniper, a girl with russet skin and hypnotic chocolate colored eyes.
Argo held up his fist like it was a microphone. “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Great White, located a convenient five minutes from Hell.”
Katherine laughed and rolled her eyes. “You’re such an idiot.”
“Okay, I’m going to freeze my toes the second I step out there,” Juniper said. All three of them looked out of the window. The ground below was buried under a dense layer of snow. Dark gray clouds filled the sky.
“Come on, we got this. We’ll be in and out before you know it,” Argo said and put on his headphones. Before he could press play on his archaic cassette player, Juniper leaned over.
“You do realize we’re staying here for six months, right?”
“Alright!” The commander popped out of his seat. “In a moment, we’re going to land. I want a solid perimeter while the researchers get their bags to the pods. Let’s try not to have anyone die on our first day here!”
The aircraft slowed down to a hover and began to descend. Seatbelts unbuckled, and everyone came to their feet. Katherine, Argo, and Juniper joined their teammates by the door. Once they landed, the door dropped down to form a ramp. The team ran outside, wasting no time.
The cold bit into Katherine’s skin. The instant her foot touched the snow, she slid. Argo snatched the back of her shirt and hoisted her up. “Watch where you’re going butter feet,” he said and ran off.
“That doesn’t even make sense!” she said and found her footing.
Now the team seemed to be guarding an invisible path from the aircraft to the small modules in the distance. Katherine kept her eyes peeled as she observed the tundra before her. She was a little distracted because of the snow. She liked having solid earth underneath her feet; dirt, moss, and rocks—anything with friction. She couldn’t even feel it buried underneath the snow. They must’ve been on an ice shelf.
The realization put her on edge. She had nothing around her to manipulate. If there was an attack, all she had was the sword on her back to defend herself.
“Fall in!”
The team trudged beside the researchers. The pods ahead resembled turtle shells connected by steel tunnels. They’d gotten airlifted in the day before. Lights started coming on as they approached.
There was nothing warm or inviti
ng about the interior. Everyone’s feet thunked against the cold metal floors. The walls were sterile white. The hum of the heating vents was all that helped keep their voices from echoing.
Katherine and Juniper found a room with two bunks. Before they could start unpacking, their commander came in. “You two will be on first watch tonight, wear something warm,” he said. Both girls grumbled.
When they were ready, they found the researchers in the largest pod. They were unpacking all kinds of equipment. Most of them moved as white blurs, and in no time a monitoring station was set up.
“Let’s get the drills going!”
Katherine followed a woman carrying one of the drills outside. She did her best to stay out of the way. She pretended to appear occupied with scanning the horizon for danger. Now I know what it’s like to be in the secret service, she thought.
“What are you looking for out here?” Katherine asked.
“This was an area rapidly affected by climate change. We think there might be some interesting creatures buried beneath the ice,” the woman said.
Katherine tensed. “Should we be digging them up? Sounds a little dangerous if you ask me.”
“Oh, it’d be a miracle if anything were alive.”
She nodded, and they both stepped back. The other two drills were ready to go. The sound of the drills powering up obliterated the silence. Katherine looked back. If there were anything out there, it would be drawn to the noise. The ice breaking made a terrible grinding/screeching racket.
CRACK! The whole ice shelf shifted. The researchers started yelling and sprang to turn the drills off. Everyone fell still and listened. The ice kept cracking deep below their feet. It got louder and louder. Then the ground split apart. All of the drills were swallowed up. Katherine snatched the woman beside her and jumped back. They narrowly avoided falling in.