Halfway Whole and Other Lies We Tell Ourselves

by Alyssa Rose Ivy

  “My ability to trust?”

  “Yet you trust Logan.”

  “Because he’s Logan.”

  “A man you didn’t know until a few months ago.” She made a very good point.

  “True.”

  “So you are strong, brave, and able to make new meaningful connections. It sounds like you are doing all right.”

  “I’m trying.”

  “And you are doing splendid.” She reached across the table and covered my hands with hers. “You have this. You should be very proud of yourself.”

  It was strange. It should have felt uncomfortable to have this woman I barely knew being so forward with me, but it wasn’t. Like Logan and Jaylin, Angela was such an easy person to spend time with. It came so naturally. “It’s beautiful out here.”

  She glanced into the green wood’s surrounding the yard. “It is. Isn’t it?”

  “I’m trying to do a better job at living in the moment.”

  “An important skill to master. Most people spend their entire life trying to master it. I know it took me a very long time.”

  “When did you figure it out?”

  “After Jaylin was born. I finally had the two children I always wanted. Life was perfect.”

  I blinked back a tear.

  “Are you all right?” Real concern crossed her face.

  “Yeah. I am.”

  “No. You aren’t. But I won’t force you to talk about it.”

  “No. It’s okay. Right before my ex started his affair, well the affair I know about, there may have been others. But the one with Jewel, his paralegal, I knew about. Well, I miscarried. And I can’t help but wonder if that’s why he strayed. He viewed me as a failure. I couldn’t even carry the baby to term.”

  “Brooke.” She made a soothing sound. “Don’t ever say that. It was nothing you did.”

  “I know.” I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.

  “But that doesn’t lessen the pain.” She patted my hand. “I know that well.”

  “You had one?”

  “I have five. Between Logan and Jaylin.”

  “Oh my gosh.”

  “I am so sorry you have had that experience as well.”

  “And now I wonder if that was my one chance. My one chance to have a child.”

  “Don’t say that. You will have others. No matter where your life takes you. Besides, motherhood often comes in different ways. I would have adopted, but Logan and Jaylin’s father would have never allowed it.”

  “Oh. I mean I’m not even thinking about any of that now. It’s just one of the things that makes me sad.”

  “And it’s normal to feel sad. Completely normal. Just don’t let it stop you from moving forward to a new happy.”

  “I won’t.” I refused to. I wouldn’t let Will win.

  “And now onto a happier topic.” She smiled. “Do you bake?”

  “Bake?” I was really nervous where this conversation was heading. “Uh, out of boxes.” I tried not to think about baking brownies with Logan.

  “Any interest in helping Jaylin and I with our entry in the Fall Fest?”

  “Oh that is so nice of you to offer, but I don’t want to get in the way of you two spending time together.”

  “There is going to be plenty of time to spend together on this one. We could use the help.”

  “You sure? Like I said, I’m not all that much of a baker.”

  “Maybe it’s time you become one.” Her eyes sparkled.

  “If you think Jaylin won’t mind.”

  “Do you really need to even question that?”

  “I suppose not.”

  “But we can find out if you want.” She stood and walked over to the doorway. “Jaylin!”

  Jaylin ran out. “Yes?”

  “Would you want Brooke to help us bake?”

  “Yes!!” She ran over and wrapped her arms around my neck. “Please do!”

  “Ok. I will.”

  “Yay!”

  Logan walked out onto the deck. “Hey, Brooke. Frank just called. He says your brother is there?”

  “George?” I hadn’t seen that coming. “Why wouldn’t he have told me he was coming?”

  “Maybe because you have no phone and his letter hasn’t come yet?”

  “True… but I did give the management office’s number in case of emergency.” I wasn't sure I was ready to see anyone, not even my brother. But he’d made a big trip to come see me. I needed to see him.

  “Then it isn’t an emergency.” Logan put his hands on the back of an empty chair. “Maybe he just missed you. Or he’s checking on you.”

  “Seems like a lot of work, but maybe.”

  “Want me to give you a ride back? I assume you don’t want to keep him waiting.”

  “I don’t want to miss Jaylin’s concert.”

  “Oh, come on.” She shook her head. “You know that was just an excuse to get you over here. I’m not ready to perform yet.”

  “Are you sure?” I didn’t want to disappoint her, but I also really didn’t want to keep George waiting.

  “Absolutely. Plus, this means you have to come back.” She grinned.

  “She has to come back anyway,” Angela smiled. “We start baking soon.”

  “Yes!” Jaylin jumped up and down. “We are so going to win this year.”

  * * *

  Logan was wrong. George wasn’t just there to check in with me. I figured that out when he immediately asked if I knew of a good place to talk.

  Without really thinking I suggested the first dock Logan took me to. I didn’t want to ruin the one across the way since I had a feeling this wasn’t going to be good. If it were, George would have just blurted it out.

  We settled down on the edge of the dock with Maple between us. I was immediately brought back to the first night when Logan and I sat that way. “So just spit it out. I can’t wait much longer.”

  “Are you sure?” George looked really worried.

  This wasn’t going to be good. “I am completely sure. Please just spit it out.”

  “Will and Jewel. They are married, and there is a baby on the way.” George looked like he’d just told a kid the tooth fairy wasn’t real.

  “Oh.” I felt a punch in the gut, and I waited for it to get worse. But it didn’t. The tightness subsided and I felt ok. I actually felt okay.

  “I didn’t want to hurt you, but I didn’t want you to find out some other way. Mom wanted to be the one to tell you, but she’s a mess over all this. She’s so angry at him.”

  “I know… and thanks for making this huge trip up here to tell me. But I'm okay.”

  “But you got out. You got away from that narcissist piece of work.” Then he stopped, as if finally realizing what I said. “You are okay?”

  “It hurts, of course.” It really hurt, as I knew it would. But I wasn’t going to fall on the floor and cry. I was going to be okay. “But I'm okay. Life goes on.”

  “My offer to kill him is still on the table.”

  “I don’t want you going to jail.”

  He cracked a smile. “Is that your only reason for stopping me?”

  “No. It’s not.,” I sighed. “Because despite what he did to me, I can’t lose myself. I can’t be that person.”

  “You look good.” George started to pet a very sleepy Maple. All the excitement of meeting someone new seemed to have worn her out.

  “Thanks.”

  “I’m not just saying that. You really look good.”

  “You don’t look so bad yourself.” I motioned my hand toward him. “But maybe you should take some time off work yourself. Get some sun.”

  “You mean like you? You look great with that color on your face. You’re smiling. You aren’t quite so skin and bones skinny. Is Logan the one I can thank for that?”

  “He’s helped, but there’s also me.” I appreciated Logan beyond words, but I knew that I had my own strength to thank as well. Angela was right.

  “I can’t tell you
how good it is to hear that.”

  “Thank you. I’m kind of proud.” It was more than kind of.

  “So, mind if I crash with you for a few days? It took a while to get up here.”

  “Crash with me as long as you like. The only thing on my plate is some baking with Logan’s mom and sister for a baking contest.”

  “You? Baking for a contest?”

  “Yup. Crazy I know.” I swung my legs. “I like it up here.”

  “It’s gorgeous. I can’t blame you.”

  “I mean just listen.” We fell into silence. “Can you believe all that?”

  “Who would have thought you’d become a bird call listener?” He teased.

  “Hey, it’s cool, isn’t it?”

  “Very cool. I’m just giving you a hard time.”

  “Logan does that too.” But it didn’t bother me nearly as much when Logan did it.

  “Want me to show you around?”

  “Yes. That would be awesome.”

  I spent most of the next few days taking George on hikes and showing him the town. He also got to hang out with Logan a bit. Unfortunately, his visit went far too quickly and before I knew it he was packing up his car to leave.

  “I’m glad you’re doing so well.” George pulled me into a hug before he left. “But I do wish you’d turn your cell on. I worry about you.”

  “You can always call Logan.”

  “I know that. And he has my number now with strict orders to call me if anything happens.” George pulled me into another hug. “I’m proud of you.”

  “Thank you for coming.”

  “Of course.” He stepped back. “And I like Logan. He’s the good kind.”

  “I think so too.” But it really helped to know George agreed. I didn’t realize how much that mattered to me.

  “You can trust your instinct, but Mom’s going to have to meet him.”

  “Oh, I know.” But I was going to keep him to myself just a little bit longer.

  George got in his car and drove off.

  I walked back to my cabin. I did a double take when I saw A.J. sitting there on my front porch. “Uh, hi.”

  “Hi.” She stood up. “We need to talk.”

  “Talk about what exactly?”

  “What are your plans with him?” She strode toward me.

  “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me. What are your plans with Logan?” She put a hand on her hip.

  “How is any of this your business?”

  “Because I love him.”

  So do I. The words were on the tip of my tongue, but I kept them to myself. “Well, I don’t know what you expect me to say to that.”

  “Don’t hurt him.” Tears spilled down her face. “Please don’t hurt him.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yes.” She wiped away the tears and scowled. “Of course I’m okay.”

  “Look. I don’t know what happened with you guys, but it’s in the past.”

  “How do you know?” She glared at me.

  Technically, I couldn’t know for sure, but I trusted him. Wow. That was an incredible thought. “Because I know.”

  “You’re lucky.”

  “I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you, but there are lots of other guys out there.”

  “Did you know I moved up here for him?” She laughed dryly. “Can you believe it? I was an idiot. I thought if I came up here with him he’d finally give me the chance. I’d get out of the friend zone, you know? And I did. Briefly, but it was never anything real. I couldn’t get him to view me as a future, only as a for now.”

  I nodded. I hadn’t been there myself, but I was way more empathetic than I’d ever been before. “That really sucks.”

  She smiled. “Wow. You admit it.”

  “Of course I do. It really hurts when you love someone and they don’t love you back. I’m sorry.”

  “I need to just cut my losses and leave. There’s nothing up here for me. I commute an hour a day each way to my job as it is.”

  “Wow. That’s intense.”

  “It is.” She looked conflicted.

  “Do you want to say something else?”

  “Who was that guy you were talking to? At first I thought you were cheating on Logan, but it didn’t look like that when you said goodbye.”

  “My brother. George.” I couldn’t believe anyone would think we were together. Gross.

  “He’s cute.”

  “He is, isn’t he?” I was used to girls finding my brother handsome even if he was also a dork.

  “Well, I hope things work out better for you with Logan than they did for me.”

  “I hope so, but either way, I’m going to enjoy myself.”

  “That’s a good attitude.”

  “It’s the only one worth having.” And I meant it.

  Sixteen

  Logan

  “Are you just going to stand there or are you going to help?” Mom used the side of her arm to wipe her forehead, leaving a streak of flour in its wake.

  “I think the three of you have this under control.” I was perfectly content watching from afar. It was fun to see my mom and sister so happy, and to see how naturally Brooke joined in with them.

  “Uh, under control?” Brooke had flour all over her. It looked hot on her. Everything looked hot on her.

  “We are doing fine without you.” Jaylin didn’t look back over her shoulder. She’d been acting more and more like herself again. It was amazing to see her happy again. “But if you don’t mind running out to get us ice cream that would be great.”

  “You are baking a giant cake yet you want me to go get ice cream?” I was only pretending to ask the question. I wasn’t remotely surprised.

  “We don’t get to eat this cake now. You know that.”

  “Still. I’ve seen you steal some batter.” And if I saw her take some, she’d really taken a lot.

  Jaylin looked at me over her shoulder. She was as covered in flour as Brooke. “It’s not stealing when I’ve made it.”

  “Oh? Is that so?”

  Brooke laughed. “I love listening to you guys.”

  “You like listening to us fight?” Jaylin filled a pastry bag with chocolate frosting.

  “It’s not fighting. It’s playful arguing.” Brooke wiped the side of her hand on a paper towel. “There’s a difference.”

  “And when you say stuff like that I see how you do marketing. And PR. Definitely PR.”

  “I am rather good at spinning things, aren’t I?” She grinned.

  “Yes. Yes you are.” I walked over and wiped some flour off her face. I wanted to kiss her, but doing that with my mom and Jaylin right there was out of the question.

  “Brooke, could you use a break? Want to clean up and go grab that ice cream with Logan?” Mom knew. She always knew.

  “Trying to kick me out of the kitchen?” Brooke untied her apron.

  “Trying to give you two some time together.” She pointed between the two of us. “Otherwise I think Logan may lose his mind.”

  “I’ve been known to do crazier things than that.” Sometimes I seriously appreciated my mom.

  “Give me a second to get ready.” Brooke hurried off to the bathroom down the hall.

  “She’s adorable,” Mom beamed. “And such a joy to be around.”

  “I know.” I’d known that from the very beginning.

  Mom suddenly turned serious. “Don’t mess this up.”

  “Gee. Mom. Thanks.”

  “You know exactly what I mean.” She put a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t get scared and do something stupid. This one’s the real deal. A girl like Brooke won’t come around here every day.”

  “I am well aware.” I still wasn’t sure how I was going to make sure I didn’t lose her. At first six months sounded like a long time, now that it was down to four months it felt as though time was running out.

  Brooke reappeared with most of the flour gone. “You ready?”

  “Yes, let’s go.”<
br />
  We took my truck and I put my hand on her leg as I always did when we drove places. It was crazy how things could at once be so comfortable and routine yet also hot and passionate.

  “I didn’t know baking could be that much fun.” She rested her arm on the door. “Or that messy.” She looked down at some flour that still remained on her black shorts.

  “Next time skip the black.”

  “I will. Even an apron is no match.”

  “You do look very sexy in an apron though.”

  “Oh, do I?” She bit her bottom lip in a teasing way.

  “Yes. Kind of want to know what you look like in just an apron.”

  “Only kind of?”

  “Nope. I do. Just trying to play it cool.”

  “Speaking of cool. Isn’t it a little cold out for ice cream?”

  “Gasp. You didn’t say that.”

  “I mean ice cream is always good. You know how much I love it, but to go out to get ice cream like this.”

  “Anderson’s closes for the season after tomorrow.”

  “Does the closing time up with the fair?”

  “You got it.”

  “It’s crazy how dead this place is in the winter.” She looked out the window. “When you have skiing and stuff so close.”

  “Not quite close enough to draw those crowds in.”

  “At least not right now.”

  “Not right now?”

  “I’m just thinking out loud.” She tapped her fingers. “Ignore me.”

  “I can never ignore you.” I squeezed her leg. “That would be impossible.”

  “I assure you one day you could.” She looked away.

  “Nope. Never.”

  “Whatever you say.”

  “Nope. Not whatever you say. I’m not letting you doubt me because of what some idiot did. I’m not that idiot.”

  “I never said you were.”

  “Then believe me when I say I could never ignore you.”

  “We can just focus on the now.” She wrapped her arms around herself.

  I pulled the truck over to the side of the road.

  Worry marred her face. “What are you doing?”

  I put the truck in park and turned off the engine. “Brooke. Look at me.”

  “I am looking at you.”

  “I mean really look at me.”

  “Ok.” She shifted her body so she was turned directly toward me.