by Persadia
“It’s done! They are history!” a very, very happy version of Pax shouts while she is dancing around the red beach.
“You can’t be sure,” Dido claims.
“No, Dido, I am. Trust me. It’s finally over. Moho thinks Maya knows every secret and she slammed each and every one of them into Moho’s face. I’m telling you, it was brutal! She was so ruthless — it was utterly beautiful.”
“That only makes Moho hate Maya and not automatically love you,” Dido comments coldly.
“No, no, you don't understand. Moho is alone now and will turn to me. All I have to do now is to eradicate everyone else. I’ll just program a bug. That’s cake! I’ve won!” Pax tries to convince Dido.
All the new-found empathy I had for Pax a moment ago is gone. She just isn’t worth it. I have to refocus on why I’m here. And as if Pax’s mind is thinking the same, the ceiling lights up once more. Pax is waking up. My time is running out.
I hurry through the labyrinth of Memorybubbles, looking for one that shows images of the dreams I’ve had. But nothing. All I come across are memories of her and by herself. Suddenly I get a funny feeling in my legs and realize that I’ve run into an Imaginationcloud. What is that doing in her Memoryspiral? Anyway, I feel how I’m getting smaller until I disappear inside the Imaginationcloud. Or maybe the Imaginationcloud got bigger. Who knows.
In contrast to all the Memorybubbles, the images playing in the Imaginationcloud are a bit, well, cloudy. Nevertheless, I recognize the scene it contains. It’s Maya and I sitting in the grass the night when she asked me to come home with her. At least I think it’s us - I can’t see our faces. I hear laughter. Then I see the hand of a girl gently playing with another hand. I think that’s my hand. Then the girl turns around and looks straight at me but it isn’t Maya - it’s Pax.
“Moho, tell me how much you love me,” Pax says cheerfully.
“I’ve never loved anyone more than I love you, my love,” I respond.
“Who else have you loved?” she asks skeptically. She frowns and tries to raise her eyebrows at the same time.
“No one. All I’ve ever wanted was you. I don’t care about anyone else,” I assure her. She smiles and we make out.
Ugh! Disgusting! Pax should have used her fertile imagination for creation instead of wasting it on this wishful thinking. I can’t look at us kissing any longer so I leave the ludicrous Imaginationcloud and grow back to my normal size.
I stroll through a few other Memorybubbles but don’t always listen to the repetitive conversations she has with herself - or with Dido as she would say. As it turns out she was spying on me pretty much all cycle. She was there when I talked to Ravi about the meaning of The Spring, she was hiding behind one of the rocks on Maze Island when I was pouring my heart out to Aziz, she even sat in a corner of the temple during most Meditosis sessions, and she often tried to follow me into Crystal Cave. However, it looks like she always lost me at some point and never found the actual location. Looks like the only time she wasn’t with me was at Maya’s place and in the arena.
This mix of self-destructive conversation with Dido, the loneliness, all the crying on the one hand, and the spying, the refusal to leave Cosmo’s Islands, the eventual attack on the other hand, leave me uncertain about my feelings towards her. I can’t say that I still hate her. In a way she was a victim. And yet I can’t say I feel sorry for her either. I'm confused.
Without realizing it, I’ve walked across her entire Memoryspiral and now find myself overlooking the whole, vast space from the other end of it. This is Pax’s whole life lying in front of me and it’s mostly sad. I wonder what she thinks about it. I’d feel terrible if my time came to an end tomorrow and this here was all I had to show for. It seems like she wasted her time being afraid and angry and alone.
There are two more Memorybubbles nearby. I’ve certainly overstayed my nonexistent welcome already but my curiosity prevails when I see Maya’s face in the smaller one of the two.
“What are you doing here? The island is closed,” Maya says to Pax.
“I could say the same to you,” Dido snarls.
“Dido, be nice to our guests,” Pax scolds herself.
“Oh, excuse me! How am I supposed to know that if we never have any guests?” Dido asks.
“Excuse her,” Pax says and smiles at Maya who is visibly confused by Pax’s two personalities. “What brings you here?”
“Oh, nothing in particular. I tend to take long walks around the Islands these days,” Maya tells her.
“Liar!” Dido screams. “She would never break the rules and enter a closed island without an agenda.”
“Just ignore her,” Pax says and waves her hand. To my surprise, Maya handles it well and sits down in the sand next to Pax. Maya doesn’t look offended, rather uncharacteristically relaxed. The two stare towards Fogmountains, just like Pax did with Cosmo and Aleeya.
“I wonder what’s behind the fog,” Maya says.
“A forest no one has ever found a way out,” Pax responds.
“Someday someone will find the exit," Maya argues.
“It’s not going to be me, if that’s why you’re here,” Pax says and looks at Maya. I can tell she was hoping Maya wasn’t here to tell her to leave but she knew better.
“No, of course not,” Maya claims quite convincingly but Pax knows the truth.
Silence.
“I’ve missed you during the sessions,” Maya tells her.
“I’m sorry but I find that hard to believe. We’ve never been friends,” Pax remarks.
“No, I know. But you know how it is. It’s hard to find someone as skilled as yourself. Most of the Islanders aren’t as good as we are. I always felt better when I knew you were around. It made me feel less different,” Maya admits before she finally stops looking towards Fogmountains and turns towards Pax.
"Still, if someone else is better than you, you can admire that but you also envy that, don't you? You want to know those people because they give you a sense of being understood. And yet, the more talented people you know, the harder it becomes to stand out yourself," Pax argues.
"If I'm too honest with myself then I'd have to say that I'm probably looking for people who are almost as good as me and who can challenge me but I still want to be slightly better than them," Maya admits.
“Yes, you could be right. I feel less alone among smart people, too,” Pax agrees.
“I feel like that even if I don’t have much else in common with those people. I wonder why that is…,” Maya says more to herself than to Pax.
“Because you two are mentally disturbed outcasts whose only source of happiness is the satisfaction of your misguided need for acceptance. And the way you satisfy this need is through praise by your mentors,” Dido grumbles. What…?
Dido is so inconsiderate. I’m not gonna listen to that any longer. So I enter the other and definitely last Memorybubble for today.
It shows Pax sitting on the floor of the same gloomy cave I’m lying in myself right now. She is alone, leaning against the wall, her arms resting on her bent knees. This is the Pax I know. Gone is all the happiness and friendliness and lightness. She looks drained.
“I can’t believe that none of my plans have worked out. Successful people always say if you work really hard, if you give it all you have, you will succeed in the end. Like it’s a law of nature,” Pax says tells herself. “My end is now and I’ve failed.”
“That’s what I told you in the beginning of this cycle but you wouldn’t listen,” Dido remarks. She is in a great mood. The two seem to have switched attitudes.
“I wanna go home. I mean to my real home. She promised me a life in paradise but Persadia turned to be out the opposite,” Pax says.
“You know she won’t let you. She told you in the beginning that it was going to be a trip without return,” Dido responds.
All of the sudden the scene lights up. First I think something is wrong with her memory but I have to realize that the ceiling
of the Memoryspiral is glowing which means Pax is conscious again - and I’m trapped.
I stick my head out of the Memorybubble and look around. While I can’t see her, I can see that the Memorystream is flowing again and Memorybubbles are forming in it. She is awake, definitely. I sneak out of the Memorybubble, walk up the wall a little to have a better view and look above the sea of Memorybubbles. I don’t see her. She is standing right behind me!
“Look who has descended from the lofty heights at the top of naveekind all the way down to the bottom of humankind. The Savior is among us! … Should I bow? I feel like I should bow to my archenemy,” Pax says and really bows to me. “Little Moho. Pretty Moho. Shy Moho. Talented Moho,” she lists in a high, loving voice before her voice turns hostile and drops several octaves. “Betraying Moho. Spoiled Moho. False Moho. Violent Moho. Lying Moho. Cruel Moho.”
“I’m glad to hear you’re doing so well,” I say. She understands the sarcasm and laughs.
"Are you here to save me?" she asks.
"In fact, I am. I just can't help it," I joke.
“You're lying again,” she says and starts circling me. “Ugh, I can outright see your guilt-ridden mind squeezing through your eyes. You’re despicable! Despicable!! Despicable!!! … How can you live with yourself… I couldn’t.”
“You're in luck because you won’t have to much longer. Your Darkening is finally upon us,” I say cheerfully. She laughs a little and I’m not sure who I’m talking to. Is it Dido? Is it Pax?
“Who knows if you will let me live to see that day,” Pax says. I frown. So she adds, “Do you think I don’t know it was you who blackmailed Vijay into beating me unconscious? He looked horrible when he followed your orders. I didn’t expect anything as thoughtful from you as the bug I programmed when I needed to switch of those people. But simply punching me? Mental violence works so much better than physical violence. Your methods are so… yesterday. How ironic, I used the navee approach and you used the human approach and yet I will get darkened and you are the new super navee. Isn’t that funny?” she remarks correctly and laughs hysterically. I laugh nervously. Then her face hardens and she stares at me.
“Leave Vijay out of this,” I demand.
“I wasn’t the one who forced him to do anything. Don’t get me wrong, I’m impressed by this move of yours. You’re using henchmen now so you don’t get your hands dirty. Respect! That’s exactly how you have to operate from now on. I’m proud of you. You’re finally coming to your senses. You’re starting to tap into your full potential! And your destructive potential is great. I’ve always said it! Who knows what you will do. You’ve come to great power over billions of people and can do whatever you want… I wish I could be around to witness your rise and Persadia’s demise. I can already see how you will obliterate this planet… Oh, Moho, I’m so happy! I’m leaving this world in more than worthy hands. The Age of Moho is about to begin.”
“So you finally accept that you’ve lost, that your life is over?” I ask her. She ignores my words.
“So what brings you into my humble abode?” she asks instead.
“Oh, I was just looking around…”
“You’re lying.”
“You know what? Yes I am. I spied on you like you used to spy on me. And I’m glad I broke into your mind. I am relieved to learn that you had been crazy before we met. I used to think that I had made you crazy. I felt responsible for your attack but even if I were here to save you, I couldn't. You've been well past help long before our first meeting."
“Oh, I’m not crazy. I know what I’m doing, and so do you. Breaking into other people’s minds, putting them to sleep… That's exactly what I've done. Moho, we really are the same.”
“We are not the same. I’m very different,” I claim.
“You’re right - because I have a backbone,” she counters. “You only do what seems most opportune in any given moment, but I have principles.”
“You’re adapting to your environment just like me and any other animal. The difference between us is that we have different ideas about what’s opportune in a given moment,” I argue.
“Listen to yourself. You’ll end up as miserable as I have,” Pax warns me. "You're not being who you're meant to be. It's no surprise that Meditosis isn't working for you and that you are taking revenge at me in this very moment."
“There is no need to revenge myself for what you've done because success is the best form of revenge, don't you agree?" I ask but she doesn't respond. "Anyway, I think I’ll be okay in the end… I have to be. I may not do too well at the moment but this will change eventually.”
“Well, the end my friend, is the end. No one is in the end. Trust me, I should know. You still have time left. Now is the time to be.”
“I’ll be fine. I’ve perseverance and I’ll adapt to whatever comes my way,” I state.
“At some point you should learn that planning to be okay, dreaming about that illusional happy ending sets you up for failure. You may not be around in the end. And even if you make it passed the finish line, it’s the end. By definition nothing 'is' in the end. Don't dream about a happy ending, actualize a happy now,” Pax argues.
“It’s delusional that you think you can give me advice,” I say.
“Oh, you’re right. I apologize. I’m talking to The Savior. I had almost forgotten about that,” she snarls and starts laughing. I can’t help it and start laughing myself. This whole 'Savior/Prophet' story doesn’t deserve to be taken seriously.
“Well, I gave people hope. They like that,” I say, still laughing a little.
“And they didn’t even realize that you were fake,” Pax says. She is laughing so hard that tears start running down her cheeks.
“I was the person I needed to be in that moment,” I point out.
“And look how you ended up. Such a mess,” she says, still laughing.
“Mess? You’re the one who messed up her life,” I argue.
“I lived my life as me and that was the best life to live,” Pax says seriously.
“Wearing a different persona every now and then gets you further,” I lecture her.
“It’s best to be yourself so you don’t have to remember which persona you’re wearing in a particular moment,” she argues.
“So you still don’t understand that you had all those problems because your need for acceptance was never fulfilled?” I ask in disbelief.
“Acceptance, social contact… all of those so-called needs are diseases. I’ve freed myself of those parasites. I’ve stopped looking for outside approval. I’m at peace with my nature and I will honor my nature all the way to my Darkening,” she says.
“That is just sad. My need for acceptance wasn’t fulfilled either when I first came here but I decided to satisfy it by adapting to my new environment. Not by forcing my old me on a new situation,” I explain. “I’m as afraid of social rejection as you are - and so is everyone else. Assimilating to others, reshaping yourself so that you fit into a group of people, is one way to cope with it whereas you just tried to force yourself onto everyone. No wonder you've never fit in. And honestly, all your suffering was not necessary. I think people would have loved the Pax I saw in those memories. When you're just Pax, you’re lovely. But in public you somehow melt Pax and Dido into this person that is impossible to like… It is ironic how you were unable to connect to anybody emotionally and yet you knew exactly how to hit their nerves.”
“Whatever. I'm human with all that this entails and I’m proud to say that I’ve always been myself,” Pax states.
“Not in public, no. You never had the courage to face the public reaction yourself. You didn’t want to live under their condemnation either, just like me. You had the chance to openly admit that it was you Xerxes was talking about in his announcement - but you never did. And then you used a bug to put everyone to sleep so that only I knew that it was you,” I tell her.
“We both know how lonely keeping a secret like ours makes you. I invited you
into my life so we could be alone together. We would have gotten darkened, yes, but we could have spent this cycle in freedom, side by side to support each other. I fought for you and us until the very end. But you chose the prison that is naveekind instead.”
“Don’t blame your deeds on me. I’m innocent,” I tell her.
“Innocent? Oh my Spring! And I’m supposedly the crazy one,” she shouts and laughs. “No, all of this happened because of you. ‘Try me’… those were your words, not mine. And I did 'try' you!”
Touché - but I’m not gonna give her that victory and hit her where it hurts her most.
“Maybe we could have all been friends. I saw your connection with Maya in that memory. We could have all been happy. But you made a choice against a life with us when you threatened me in CEBOS,” I argue. “I think deep in your twisted mind you thought that Dido was right all along and you never gave Pax a chance to succeed.”
“I chose us in that moment in MNOP. I made a choice against some socially acceptable version of us that you think you wanted. I chose the true us. But then you tricked me and made a choice against me, against yourself.”
Silence. I don’t think this is going anywhere and yet I need to keep this conversation going because the Memorystream that will lead me out of her CEBOS and into safety is on the other side of the Memoryspiral. I have to get there safely but I don’t know how with her in here.
“You methods were so violent. So dark, even for a human. It was downright inhumane,” I say to stretch our exchange.
“‘Dark’, ‘inhumane’… Listen to you! Violence isn’t ‘dark’, torture isn’t ‘inhumane’. It’s an essential part of us humans. We need to hurt each other just as much as we need to heal each other,” she argues. I can see the passion growing in her eyes when she utters this nonsense.
“You’re just evil,” I say.
“There is no good and evil,” she states. “You and your navee friends claim that creation is what you should spend your existence on, but you could just as well choose destruction. Creation and destruction go hand in hand. As long as you’re denying the one you’re also denying the other.”