“Don’t you get it? I killed my baby. I did. And now I’m going to pay for that for the rest of my life.”
Concerned anguish washed across his face. “I’m not saying it was right. I’m saying I understand why you did it. It was a mistake, a horrible mistake.”
“But it’s not just me. If it was just me, okay, whatever, but now this is about you too.” Anguish threatened to drown her. “Don’t you get it, Jake? We can’t have kids. We can’t. As in... ever.”
He let out a breath and closed his eyes as her pain slashed through him. “I’m not going to say I’m not disappointed because I am, but what I know is that person... the person who did that wasn’t you. It wasn’t who you are now. It wasn’t the woman I fell in love with.”
“But it is me. She is me. I did that. I did! I killed my child! I did!” She put her hand on her head, stringing her fingers through her hair and yanking when it didn’t come free. “And I can never undo what I did.”
“Liz, sweetheart, listen to me. You’re beating yourself up for this, but that’s not going to help anything. What’s done is done. You can’t go back now. Okay, look, I’ll admit I don’t know a whole lot about God, but one thing I have learned is He can do things with our lives that we can’t even dream of doing. He can show us how to get out of complete yuck if we let Him.”
“No.” She sniffed hard. “He doesn’t want to help me with this. Not this.”
Jake’s hand rubbed across her back. “I think He does. I think that’s exactly what He wants to do, and do you know how I know that?”
She sniffed softly and let her gaze slide to his. “How?”
“Because.” He backed away from her then and reached into the pocket of his jeans. When he came back to fully seated, his fingers held something up between them. “You just told me a great reason to run for the hills, but nothing in me wants to do that. Nothing. You’re not perfect. I know that. I get that. But I love you anyway. And I want to marry you if you’ll have me.”
The pain slipped away back into the numbness in her heart, and she looked at him and shook her head. “Jake...” Closing her eyes, she knew he was only being the kind man she’d grown to so love. He didn’t mean it, or he wouldn’t when he’d had more than three seconds to think about it. She couldn’t let him throw his life away on trash like her.
“Don’t say, no, Liz. Please. Don’t. Okay. We’re stronger than this. You and me. Together. We can get through this. I know we can. I need you. I can’t do this without you. I don’t want to do this without you. Please say you’ll marry me.”
Her gaze lifted from the ring up to his. She wanted to believe him, to believe that love was enough, but she knew better. Love didn’t last, and her love couldn’t be trusted. “No, Jake. I can’t let you throw your life away like that. Don’t you see? I’m damaged goods. I’m broken, and the pieces just don’t fit back together like they used to. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I should have. I just couldn’t...”
A moment and his face went hard. “You know, when I was like that, all ‘I’m broken and unfixable,’ you didn’t take that line from me, so why should I take it from you now?”
His words were like punches, and she closed her eyes to block them. “Because that was different.” When she opened them again, her gaze pleaded with his confused and angry one.
“Different how? Why was it different?”
“Because, Jake, you didn’t choose to be broken. It’s how you were made. You’re just doing the best you can with what’s been handed to you.”
“The best I can?” He looked like he’d been physically hit, and his face grew even harder. “You think that’s what I’m doing?”
Horror crashed over her. The last thing she wanted was to hurt him now. “No, Jake. That’s not what I meant. Please.”
A moment and his gaze fell from hers. “Okay. I get it.” He stood, then, towering over her on the steps. “I know what you meant. I really do.” Then, right next to her on the step, he laid the ring. “The offer stands, but it’s your choice.” And with that, he took the next step down, grabbed his coat, and departed. Ache clawed through Liz, ripping up sobs that had been held down so long it wasn’t clear there would even be a bottom to them.
She wanted to call out to him, to stop him from leaving, but she knew it was better like this. It was better for him if he walked away and kept walking while walking away was still an option. Still, when he was gone, she buried her face in her hands and let the overwhelming anguish take her. That had to top the charts for the absolute worst answer anyone ever gave to someone popping the question. How could she have hurt him like that? And why would he ask her now? Why after he knew? Why couldn’t he just let it go, let her go? Any sane person would have. Finally he knew the truth, the whole, plain awful truth. Why would he even consider asking her after that? With a frustrated breath, she picked up the ring and looked at it.
As painful as that was, her answer was no. Not because she wanted it to be but because it had to be— for her sake but more for his. With that, she sniffed once, yanked herself up, put the ring in her pocket, and stalked back to her studies. It was the only thing that made any sense anymore.
Sleep didn’t come easily or quickly although he should have been exhausted. Jake lay in the darkness laced only by the thin streams of the streetlights through the blinds. His heart turned over every time he thought about what she’d been through. He didn’t blame her for being angry or even for how scared she was now. No. He didn’t even blame her for the horrendous choice that had led them here. The fact that she was so obviously torn up about it was enough for him. She wasn’t that person at least now, if she ever had been.
He rolled over and balled the pillow up under his chest before looking at the clock. 2:42. He’d have to be up in less than 3 hours. Rolling back over, he stared at the ceiling and thought about the paradox of being broken. It wasn’t hard to see that the pieces inside him would never go back together like they had or would have if he had never gone through all the heartache, but did that mean he was now irredeemable? Yes, there was a point when he felt that way, but she...
She had shown him that maybe he wasn’t, that maybe all of the heartache could be used for something good, something righteous, holy even. He couldn’t explain that any more than he could explain Heaven, but he felt it just the same. He only wished he could do the same for her, that he could give her the same hope she had given him.
However, the look in her eyes, the one that said she had long ago given up on herself chilled him to the bone. It was not evil. It was cold and numb and hopeless, and she wanted to keep him from where she was. Jake thought about that, about how she had pushed him away, rejected the love he so wanted to give her. Then his thoughts traveled further back through their relationship, ducking and weaving through moments he hadn’t even bothered to remember prior to that moment.
She had been there for him, in big moments and small. She had held him and helped him pick up the pieces of his life. She had even pushed him to try to find an answer as to how to get those pieces back together, but not once, not a single time had their relationship been about her. It was always about how she could help him. He traced backward and forward, over Thanksgiving and at the coffee shop. Had he ever really thought to be there for her? She was so obviously hurting. How had he missed that?
It wasn’t like he didn’t care. It was more that he hadn’t cared enough to ask, to find out where her secrets were kept and how they made her who she now was.
Then his mind slipped to another face. Mia. He heaved the sigh. No wonder Mia was so protective, no wonder she hated him on-sight. She had watched as her friend was shattered by a guy, a low-life creep, if anyone cared to ask Jake’s opinion of the scumbag. But Mia, wonderful Mia, had walked with Liz through it all. He let out a long breath. He owed the woman an apology and a hug. At least.
And right there, he vowed he would do just that when he went to The Grind tomorrow night to see Liz. After all, he was going. H
e wasn’t about to let the best thing in his life just shut him out of hers so easily.
“No. No,” Liz said the next afternoon over the stack of books spread on her dining room table. “I’m fine, Mia. Really. I am. I’m just swamped with studying, that’s all. Yes. I’ll be back tomorrow and the rest of the week. It’s just...” She listened to her friend’s diatribe about the short notice and the general problem of her leaving at all. “I know.”
Mia continued as if Liz had said nothing.
“I. Know. Mia. I will. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Good-bye.” And she hung up. It was all she could do to keep her head up. After spending most of the night before crying and the other part studying, it was a miracle she’d even made it to class for her finals earlier. Going to The Grind was just too much.
Besides, to spend the whole night looking at that empty table... There were just some things even she couldn’t make herself do. And that was definitely one of them.
“She’s not here.” Mia came through the doors from the back of The Grind, stopped, and with one look withered Jake into terrified silence.
He fought through the crushing worry and the you-should-be-cinders look. “What do you mean she’s not here? Where is she?”
Mia came all the way out with the tray of cups in hand. She walked right to the counter in front of him where she set the tray down and splayed her hands on the countertop. “I don’t know, Jake. Why don’t you tell me where she is? She called here earlier, fifteen minutes late from when she was supposed to show up, and she sounded like Satan had just run over her with a truck and then backed up to finish the job.”
The news and the accusation went through him like a knife.
Somewhere between fury and tears, Mia looked at him and shook her head with a scowl. “So what’s going on with the two of you? Did you dump her now or what?”
That cut even deeper. “No. I didn’t dump her. Why in the world would I do that?” He checked his anger, his tone, and his volume when customers looked their direction. “The truth is, I asked her to marry me, and she said yes.” Then reality jumped into his chest. “Well, she kind of said yes. Then she said no. And then... well, things kind of got confusing after that.”
“Yeah, I’ll bet.” Mia’s face was ricocheting from concern to anger and back again.
He wanted to scream at her, to demand she at least give him a chance, something, but the anger and concern in his chest were making rational thought very difficult. Finally he looked right at her and held her gaze with more strength than even he knew he possessed. “Look. She told me. Last night. She told me all of it.” He glanced around and lowered his voice. “About the abortion and everything.”
That dragged the anger right out of Mia’s eyes, replacing it with surprise. “She told you?”
“Yeah, she did. And then she freaked out on me and said she couldn’t marry me because of it.” He shook his head and let out a breath. “Look, I’ve gotta be honest with you here. I want to help her, but I don’t even know where to start. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help. I don’t know what to say. It’s like she’s hell-bent on ruining the rest of her life because of this.”
Mia looked like she was chewing something she’d rather spit out. Then finally she sighed and looked across the restaurant. “Do you have a minute so we can talk?”
What kind of question was that? He had meant to thank her, but he hadn’t counted on being taken out point blank without even being given the chance. Now he wasn’t sure what to do. Finally he shrugged. “Sure. I guess so.”
Without another word, she crossed past the counter and where he stood, went over to a booth where she sat down and waited for him to join her. Jake had the feeling of reaching into a bear trap with his bare hand, but his concern for Liz far outweighed his need for self-preservation. He sat down and drilled his gaze into Mia, praying she had some answer for him and that she wouldn’t just shoot him down for good.
After a long moment he wondered if he was supposed to be the one to start because she said absolutely nothing. Then suddenly she jerked her gaze up to his, a move which pushed him backward.
“I know she told you,” Mia started, her tone angry and bitter but trying not to be, “but I’m guessing she didn’t tell you what that jerk did to her.”
Jake held his ground, determined not to run though that’s what his whole being was screaming at him to do. “I’m listening.”
“Well, you didn’t hear this from me, and if she knew I told you, well...” Mia let out a sigh. “She’d only been here a few months before it all went down, but she was a good kid. Went to church, made good grades. An all-around good kid. And then she started hanging out with some low life scum-suckers, and she started to change. It wasn’t big at first, but then she started skipping work, just here and there, but enough to nearly get her canned. I went to bat for her and told her she’d better get her act straightened out.”
This breath was long, slow, and sad. “Then one night I found her crying in the back curled up in the corner. I knew then that something was bad wrong, but even I wasn’t prepared for the news. She told me she thought she was pregnant, and she was real scared about telling her parents and him. I think she already knew what he would say.” Mia shook her head slowly. “Things pretty much went crashing off a cliff after that. He told her he’d pay for the abortion. Jerk. He acted like it was no big deal. Nearly killed Liz though. She didn’t want to. I know she didn’t, but he told her it was the kid or him. I’m telling you, he was a real class-A jerk that guy. I tried to tell her he was jerking her around, that he’d probably be gone no matter what she did, but she wouldn’t listen to me. She just knew he loved her, and if she did this for him, he would stay. The next thing I know I get a call in the middle of the night.”
Mia swallowed hard and closed her eyes. “I told her to call 911, but she wouldn’t do it. She just kept saying, ‘Help me, Mia. Help.’” The sniff almost wasn’t except that it was, and Mia brushed it away. “Somehow we got her to the emergency room in time, but by then the jerk was nowhere to be found. He just dumped her off at her apartment and disappeared. I don’t even think she ever saw him again. If she did, she sure never told me about it. He just left her there like that, bleeding to death. To this day, if I could get my hands on him...”
The words stopped, and her gaze slid to the table and held there. “She was never the same after that. It was like she just shut down, from who she was, from life, you know? Like she wouldn’t let anyone in.” Then she picked her gaze up and met his. “Until you showed up that is.”
The mantel of the responsibility of those words settled on his shoulders, and he wasn’t sure he could carry it.
“I know I treated you like pond scum before, but the truth is, I didn’t want to see her hurt again. She nearly didn’t make it back the last time.”
Once again, Jake wondered where Liz was now. Was she alone? Probably. He felt how alone she was, how cold, how sad. He wanted to go to her, to wrap her in his arms and never let go. “Thanks, Mia.” Sincerity cloaked his words and his gaze. “For being there for Liz and for being honest with me.” He thought through the next question. “Do you think she can make it back? Do you think she can get through this?”
Mia sat motionless. “I’d like to tell you yes, but sometimes life doesn’t work out the way you want it to.”
The customers were getting restless, and Mia glanced over at them. She didn’t move, however. “Look, I honestly don’t know if Liz will ever let anyone in again, but if you’re serious, you’re gonna have to decide if you’re in or out, no halfway, or you might as well split her down the middle and be done with it.” She stood then, pushing out of the booth. “She needs you, Jake. She needs you to be the guy who never lets her down, the guy who will be there with her no matter what. The question is, are you that guy or not?”
He nodded, his gaze on the table. A moment more and she was gone. He picked his gaze up and followed her across the expanse to the next table. His th
oughts spun through her words. Was he that guy? Could he be counted on no matter what? Could he be the guy who never let her down no matter what it cost him? His heart tugged back and forth, wanting to be that but not at all sure he had it in him.
How long he sat there, he didn’t know, but finally he dragged himself up and stalked out. Mia was right. Liz needed someone with staying power, someone who wouldn’t back down when the going got rough. The problem was, he’d never been that guy before. What, other than his sincere desire to be, made him think he could be him now?
Chapter 18
The explosion rocked everything as glass, fire and debris knocked Jasmine backward, away from the window where she had been watching for her contact. She had known something was wrong. Felt the watching eyes. She’d been feeling them, ever present, for days. Yet she had continued on her mission, doggedly pursuing the answers that eluded her. Praying she would stop the evil before it caught up to her. Now it finally had.
Jake sat straight up in bed. His breaths came in gasps. Searching through the shadowy darkness, trying to make sense of the vision that had seemed so very, very real, he sat there for a moment and then lay back down slowly. However, the vision didn’t leave as it had so many times before. Instead it hovered there, just in front of him, whether in his mind or in his spirit or both, he couldn’t tell.
It was Jasmine. Down in the coffee shop. Bleeding. Broken. Crumpled against the booth, and no longer moving as the evil that had sought her destruction closed in.
He watched in growing terror, willing her to get up, to whip out her gun to defend herself, to run. Something. Anything. Why wasn’t she moving?
“Jazz, get up.” The words strangled from him. It was strange thing to say, he knew even as he said it, but he couldn’t help it. She was going to die if she didn’t move. “Get up already!”
Somewhere deep in his spirit, he began to plead with someone he had never even seen, never knew was there. Help her! Please! You’ve got to help her!
More Than This: Contemporary Christian Romance Novel Page 31