Then through the smoke stepped a figure he had never before seen in any of the dreams he’d ever had of Jasmine, and he recoiled at the sight. The figure gave no outward indication of his intention in the situation, but his movements were swift and sure. With only one glance back, he stepped over to Jasmine’s crumpled body and bent down to her. “Stay with me, girl,” he breathed. “I’ll get you out of here.”
And with that, he scooped her up into his arms and strode through the mayhem around them. Jake could not move, not even a single muscle. He was hardly even breathing. In fact, he dared not, lest he break the vision and be left with more questions than he had answers. Suddenly it all shifted as if tilting off-center and then righting itself again. He was in a hospital room watching Jasmine in the bed. She was pale and not really conscious, but blessedly he knew she was alive.
Next to her, sat the figure he’d seen in the smoke, but all he could see was the man’s back. It was a man, but more than that, he could not say. He held his breath so as not to alert them to his presence. Then as if a vision herself, Jasmine stirred and then opened her eyes. Worry knifed through them when she saw the man, and she pulled to the side away from him.
“No, Jazz,” the figure said, reaching for her. “It’s okay. It’s me. Sam.”
“Sam?” she asked, the haze and pain making her voice hollow and tired. “I don’t know any Sam.”
“Well, that much is true I guess,” he said with a soft laugh. “You don’t know me, but I do know you.”
Panic and concern flooded her face. “What? How?”
“Because I’ve been following you, protecting you, trying to make sure you didn’t end up here.” The figure glanced around. “Guess I didn’t do too good of a job this time.”
“What? But how...? Why...?”
“You are a very important piece of the Team, Jazz. We couldn’t have you out there fighting alone, now could we?”
“I don’t... I don’t understand.”
“Every agent is given two things. A mission and a partner. However, sometimes they are only told about the mission, not the partner. You were one of those agents.”
She blinked, searching his face for verification of what he was telling her. “But I don’t understand. Why would I have a partner and not be told?”
“Because you seemed to work so well on your own.”
Her breath slid out in a half-laugh. “Okay. So why are you here then?”
“I’ve always been here. With you. Watching. In case you ever needed me.”
Jake watched as Jasmine’s face crumpled in thought. He knew what she was thinking— of all the close calls, all those moments of fear and believing she was alone in the fight, of the loneliness and the worry, of trying to defend herself with no help from anyone.
“If I needed you?” she asked as anger punched to the surface. “How could you think I didn’t need you? How could you think I could do it alone? I didn’t want to do it alone. In fact, I did it scared out of my mind most of the time, thinking the next thing was going to take me out, that I wouldn’t survive it, that I wasn’t strong enough to keep going, that what was the point, that I could die and no one would even notice.”
Inside him, Jake’s heart broke for her because though he had witnessed all of it, he had never so much as considered the terror she must be feeling in those moments. He had thought her invincible, indestructible. A robot even with no feelings that could ever be hurt. He had thought her to be made of emotional steel— hard, unbreakable, unbendable even. And now, as he watched, he saw the tears glistening in her eyes, and he realized how very wrong he had been.
“All I ever wanted was to make a difference,” she said, gulping the words past the tears. “All I ever wanted was for something I did to count, to matter. Even if I didn’t win it all for good, I wanted to fight for good, but it’s been so hard. So lonely. I’ve spent so many nights in the dark, questioning the mission, questioning if I was strong enough to see it through no matter what...”
“And you did,” the figure said eagerly. “You did. You met every challenge. You outsmarted every opponent.”
But she turned sad, distraught eyes on him. “But I did it alone. I did it so scared. Don’t you see? I wanted someone to hold my hand, to be there with me, to hold me, to let me know that even when I failed, even when I fall, it’s going to be okay.”
“But you didn’t quit.”
“No because the mission was too important. The enemy would have taken out more of the innocents if I had let him, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t scared. It doesn’t mean I thought I was equal to the task, that I didn’t need someone to hold onto when it all got to be too much. Every time I went out there, I did it not because I thought I could but because I knew I had to.”
“You’re a good agent, Jazz. You always have been.”
“But I’m still human. I still get scared and hurt and lonely. I still need someone here, with me, to remind me that what I’m doing matters, that I’m not just a waste of time, space, and air.”
The figure breathed softly. “Jasmine, I never knew any of this. You always looked so strong.”
“What was my other choice?”
Then the figure bowed his head, and Jake wanted to knock it off his shoulders for leaving Jasmine to the wolves. She was right, after all, she really could have used his help. Maybe together they could have stopped the enemy, maybe together they could have made an even bigger difference, maybe together she wouldn’t be lying in a hospital bed injured.
“I’m so sorry, Jasmine,” the figure bent over the hand that he held said. “I’m so sorry. I never knew. Please forgive me. I thought you were better off without me. I thought I would just hold you back, that you wouldn’t accept me, that you didn’t need me, that I would be far more of a hindrance to you than a help.”
Her eyes softened as she looked at his bowed head and sighed. “So you took yourself out of the game without even giving us a chance?” She blinked twice slowly as if thinking all the way through her next statement. “Look, out there in the fight, you’re going to mess up. It’s just going to happen. And even together, we won’t get everything right. We might get everything wrong, but together would be so much better than trying to do this alone. It really would. I need you. I’ve needed you. Don’t you see that? I need you, Sam.”
The figure’s head jerked up and he breathed a laugh. “Well, if we’re going to do this, then you should probably know my name isn’t really Sam. SAM is just my call sign.”
“O... kay.” She suddenly looked distrustful again. Her hand shook under his.
“SAM stands for Special Agent... McCoy.”
Jake’s breath snagged, and he jerked upward. The vision was swept from his mind with one snap. McCoy? He was the special agent? What? That couldn’t be right! He was Jasmine’s partner? Sent to protect her, to work with her, to watch over her, and to fight evil and stand up to the enemy for and with her? But how could that be? His eyes searched the darkness in front of him as he swallowed, trying to get any of it to process through his mind and heart. Then he saw it. Clearly. For the first time. Yes. Now that he thought about it, that figure had looked familiar though he’d never actually seen its face. The watching eyes. The unseen something that was always present but more than a feeling than a reality. It had been him the whole time.
Then a pressing began to ache in his spirit. There was more to the dream, to the vision, to the whatever it had been. There was more to it than the words and the images destined for some dime store thriller novel. His spirit searched, willing Jasmine to come back and explain it to him. Suddenly other words from a different world floated up into his consciousness. “She needs you, Jake. She needs you to be the guy who never lets her down, the guy who will be there with her no matter what.”
Panic split through his spirit as it careened through all of it. Jasmine lying there, pale and hurt. Liz lying in a hospital bed all alone. He swallowed hard.
“SAM. Special Agent McCoy.”
With no more thought than that, he stumbled from the bed, not really conscious of where he was going or how he would get there, but he knew he couldn’t leave her alone for even one more moment. She would no longer face the evil alone. He would stand by her side and fight with her, but more than that, she would never again, even for a second, ever have to wonder if she had a partner in this fight.
Why couldn’t she just put the past behind her and forget it all? It had felt so very easy for all these years. Now it simply wouldn’t leave her alone. Every nightmare. Every image. They were all right there, clawing at her spirit. Every time Liz closed her eyes, all of the images she had buried in her heart so long before were right there to remind her. The night she had found out about the baby. Telling Cole. Breaking down in the back when she’d thought Mia had long since gone home.
She remembered the helplessness, the fear. Knowing she had let her parents down. What would they say, how they would react? She couldn’t tell them, couldn’t bear to see the disappointment in their eyes. She had never felt more alone than at that moment. Until the whole world crashed down around her less than a week later.
The darkness of that apartment as she lay on the floor of the bathroom trying to think of what to do, who she could call, who would come, who even cared anymore. Strangely, even now she could feel the cold tile under her scathing body as she fought for consciousness and against the sleep that would not let her go.
Then the images got blurrier, more indistinct, and much more frightening. Mia’s panicked voice. The ride to the hospital. The lights. The sounds. Waking up to see only blue and white and knowing she had surely died.
Breath slid from her lungs as more images vied for her attention— the doctor and those horrible words. Going back to her apartment and cleaning up the blood. Knowing how close she had come and almost wishing she hadn’t come back. The utter numbness that had invaded her spirit, taken up residence, and never really departed from that moment to this. It was somewhere in the middle of those thoughts that she first heard the noise, and her spirit froze. Had Becca come back? She hadn’t seen or heard from her roommate in almost a month. No. It couldn’t be Becca. But who?
Moving just slowly enough for actual motion, Liz reached up and swiped at her tears, preparing just in case. There it was again. It sounded like... a knock. Fear reached up and gripped her chest. She twisted and looked at the clock. 3:32. No. She had to be mistaken. No one would be out there at this hour. Or it was for someone else. Someone across the hall or next door. The tears were dry now. Fear had taken over.
With her whole spirit fused to any and every sound at the front door, she heard it again, and she knew she wasn’t imagining things. It was a knock, and it was on her door. Her thoughts jerked around her apartment. She was all alone. If someone broke in, they would have their run of the place and her. Shaking invaded her body, and she thought through who she could call. Calling Mia was out of the question. She could never get here in time. Becca was probably long gone. 911 would think her a hysterical lunatic if it turned out to be her imagination. Then she thought of one more name. Jake.
She squeezed her eyes closed, knowing how ridiculous she was being. Jake wouldn’t come. He didn’t even care anymore, and she didn’t blame him.
The knock sounded again, and realizing that her other option was to have the neighbors on her doorstep— or the cops— she slid from the bed and grabbed her robe. Oh, God, please help me. Please.
Down the hallway she slid like an ebony shadow concealed by the darkness. Her heart hammered in her chest as every other inconsequential thing in her life disappeared. She wasn’t at all sure what she would do if evil really was on the other side of that door, but she had to find out. Just as she got to the frame, the knock sounded again, this time louder— or maybe it just sounded louder to her nerves. Either way, she jumped and only barely caught the shriek that threatened to escape.
“Liz. Hey. You in there? Open up. It’s Jake.”
Horror and surprise jerked her upright. “Jake?” Knowing whatever it was must be critical, she flew to the door and yanked on the chain, her shaking fingers barely able to manage to work the thing. Fear dissolved into worry as she pulled the door free of its confines. Light flooded in around her as he rushed inside, looking as panicked and worried as she felt.
“Jake? What are you...?”
With no more than that, he grabbed her and buried her in his embrace. “I’m so sorry, Liz. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”
“Jake? What in the— ?” She pushed him back, fighting to keep some sanity about her. “What’s going on? What are you doing here?”
He backed up, but his eyes were wild and his motions aberrant and uneven. “I’m sorry. I just... I had to see you, to tell you in case you thought...”
“Thought what? Jake, slow down. You’re not making any sense.” Finally breathing again, she closed the door softly, hoping her neighbors would think it was all a dream and go back to sleep. Then she turned, summoning calm although nothing about her felt that way. She reached over and flipped on the light for good measure although that did little to make him look any less frantic.
“Let’s sit down,” she said, motioning for the couch, and after only a second, he nodded.
Following him, she started praying for the wisdom to get through this. He was really beginning to worry her. On the couch, he sat on one side, and she on the other. Strange how not thirty hours before they had been locked for what had felt like an eternity in a passionate embrace. Now they felt more like strangers. “What’s going on? Is... is everything okay?” she asked, venturing out which felt a lot like walking on water. What if she wasn’t equal to this?
His gaze jerked up to hers and then fell again. He shook his head. “No. It’s not okay.”
She was one second away from asking the next question when he came back up and nailed her with his eyes.
“You’re not alone.”
That threw her completely off-track. “What?”
“You’re not,” he said more vehemently than before. He slid across the couch in one motion, practically pinning her to the side. “Not anymore. Okay? I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. I know what you said before about what happened and everything, but I’m not leaving. I’m sorry I wasn’t there before. Here. I mean, I’m sorry I didn’t understand.”
None of this was making any sense. “Jake, what is wrong? What happened?”
Finally he took a shaky breath, and his gaze fell. When it came back up again, thankfully, it was a little more calm. “Liz, you mean everything to me. I don’t know what I would do if I lost you, not because of what you did for me or what you’ve done for me, but because of you. You’re so strong, and I guess I thought you had it all together and what would you need me for. But I realized tonight, you act strong because you think you have to. You put on this face like everything is okay and you can handle anything and like you don’t need anybody when I’m starting to see that’s not the whole story.”
Liz couldn’t hold his gaze, not and lie. Hers fell because she knew that being strong was a lie in her life more than anyone else had ever fully known. “Jake, I’m...”
“No, Liz.” Gently, he reached over and slid his fingers over her cheek and through her hair. “I know, and it’s okay. You don’t have to pretend anymore.”
Tears stung her eyes and heart. She shook her head to get them to leave her alone. “Jake, it’s not...”
Then she felt his entire spirit fall into peace even as hers drifted toward chaos.
She lifted her gaze, wanting to get him to understand. “I don’t...”
But his gaze was soft, a pillow of down and feathers just waiting for her. “You’re not alone anymore. You don’
t have to do this, act like it’s all okay, like you don’t need anybody. I’m here. I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere.” And with that, he gathered her into his arms as her tears began to fall.
Without her permission, her hand came up and clung to his jacket. It was soft and still cold from being outside.
“I’m so sorry you had to go through that alone,” he whispered.
A moment more and she sniffed, let go and sat back, but he wasn’t backing up. His gaze followed her all the way to her side of the couch.
“Will you tell me?” he asked gently. “I want to know about all of it.”
Liz could hardly pick her head up. It felt like it weighed a million pounds. “It was a long time ago.”
“That’s okay,” he said settling in next to her with his arms wrapped this way and that around her. “I want to hear it. As much as you remember.”
She laughed softly and sniffed. “That could take all night.”
He laid his head on hers. “That’s okay. Take all the time you need.”
And then she told him. Slowly at first and then more solidly. It was strange how the details slid from her mouth and her heart though she had sworn she didn’t remember most of them. He held her as she cried and sat with her after all the tears were dry. Finally, she just had to know. “So what brought this on anyway? I’m not used to guys just showing up asking me to spill my guts at 4 o’clock in the morning.”
He sat, not saying anything for a long moment.
“Jake,” she said as if in warning, “I told you. Now spill.”
Putting his head back on the couch cushion, Jake wondered how to tell her without sounding like an idiot. “Well, it all started when I had this dream...”
For a split second she looked like she was going to say something, but she just nodded.
He swallowed, carefully lining up the words. “It was about Jasmine.”
“And the book.”
Thinking through that, he shook his head. “No. Not this time. This time I found out she has a partner.”
More Than This: Contemporary Christian Romance Novel Page 32