Before You Were Gone

by Sheila Bugler

  ‘Maybe I’m not ready to untie you.’ Maeve walked over to the window, stood with her back to Kitty for several minutes.

  ‘Oh, to hell with it,’ she said eventually.

  She crossed the room, out of Kitty’s eyeline.

  ‘Got them,’ Maeve said. She came back to Kitty, nail clipper in hand, and set about cutting the ties. It took a while but eventually Kitty’s wrists were free and she was able to sit up while Maeve started on the cable ties around her ankles.

  ‘I’d been thinking about going into business with Robert,’ Maeve said, as she worked on the cable ties. ‘We’d been talking about opening a hotel together. I was keen to expand to another part of the country, and Robert was looking for a sound investment. I know it’s a risk going into business with someone else. But I really thought I could trust Robert.

  ‘We’d arranged to meet at his house to discuss next steps. When I got there, he was in the garden with your mother. They were talking about you. Emer had told them about seeing you in London, and Robert was asking if it was possible you could still be alive. Your mother kept insisting it wasn’t. She said you’d drowned that day, and that was the end of it.

  ‘I must have made a noise then, because suddenly they stopped speaking. So I went around the corner and pretended I’d just arrived. But later, during my meeting with Robert, I told him I’d overheard some of their conversation. And I told him if there was any chance you might be alive, I wanted to help find you.

  ‘Robert knew if you were somehow living in England, there was a good chance your uncle Frank had helped your father. He thought speaking to Dee was a good starting point. It was easy for him to check that Emer and Dee had never met. So he suggested I come to London and contact Dee and tell her I was her long-lost cousin.

  ‘It was obvious she didn’t know anything about Kitty, but when I asked her to help me find you, she said yes immediately. It was the perfect solution. She could do all the hard work. We could sit back and wait for her to tell us if Annie Holden really was who she said she was.’

  ‘Weren’t you worried she’d find out you were lying?’

  ‘A little,’ Maeve said. ‘But I kept our face-to-face meetings to a minimum. I even set up a fake Facebook account, calling myself Emer Doran, and sent her a friend request. She had no reason to think I was anyone else. I’d already met up with Emer and found out exactly what had happened on the Underground that afternoon, so I knew what to tell Dee. It worked perfectly.’

  ‘Until Dee realised you weren’t Emer.’

  ‘Well, yeah. But by then everything else had pretty much fallen apart as well. There.’ Maeve cut through the last of the ties on Kitty’s ankles. ‘You should feel better now.’

  She lifted the bottle of vodka and held it out. ‘Want some of this?’

  Kitty took the bottle and drank some. It burned her throat and stomach, warming her body.

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘Keep it,’ Maeve said. ‘I’ve already had too much. I’m sorry, by the way.’

  ‘It’s okay,’ Kitty said, meaning it. ‘I can’t blame you for hating me.’

  ‘It’s all so messed up,’ Maeve said. ‘Are you absolutely sure it was Robert driving the car that night?’

  ‘Positive. Later, he paid my parents to clear up the mess. I think they told Robert I really had drowned.’

  ‘How did you work it all out?’ Maeve asked.

  ‘Some of it I pieced together,’ Kitty said. ‘Some of it I found out later.’

  Because after Michael was charged with murder, Fiona had told her the truth about her father. The lies he’d told and the lengths he’d gone to so he could line his own pockets.

  ‘I didn’t come to England to kill you,’ Maeve said. ‘I just wanted answers. But then, when Emer called… when I found out you were still alive, and you knew, you’d known all this time, something snapped. All I could think about was making you pay for the damage you’d caused by never speaking up.

  ‘We had a hamster when I was little. I remember one winter it got sick and my dad had to smother it with a cushion. He said it was an act of kindness because the hamster wouldn’t survive, anyway. I thought I could kill you the same way, not as an act of kindness but as an act of revenge. I went onto the internet and found there was an IT store in Polegate. I drove there and bought a packet of cable ties. Then I bought the vodka, because even though I hated you, I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it unless I was drunk. And I did so well, but I couldn’t finish it. I couldn’t even do that.’

  She’d started crying again. Kitty wanted to give her a hug, but she wasn’t sure Maeve would let her. Before she could work out the best course of action, someone knocked on the door.

  ‘Kitty?’

  Relief flooded through her at the sound of her sister’s voice.

  ‘It’s Emer,’ she said to Maeve. ‘Are you okay if I let her in?’

  Maeve nodded, and Kitty stood up. As she walked to the door, she thought of the other time she’d been in a hotel with her sister. And her heart filled with joy that this time she was walking towards her, not running away.

  Fifty

  Three days later

  ‘It’s the deceit I can’t get over. All those lies. And you, my beautiful child, those precious years we’ll never get back. I’ve been robbed of so many moments we should have had together.’

  ‘You really had no idea?’ Kitty said.

  Ursula dabbed the corner of her eyes with a tissue, looking every inch the heartbroken mother she was trying hard to portray. She’d have to try a hell of a lot harder, Emer thought, before she convinced either of her daughters.

  They were sitting in the conservatory – a huge space overlooking the landscaped grounds of the old coaching house. Kitty and Emer had flown into Dublin last night and driven down to Ballincarraig first thing this morning.

  At some level, Emer had always known her mother had never really loved Robert. She’d married him for his money and the lifestyle he’d promised her. She suspected Robert had known it too, but his slavish devotion to the woman he regularly described as ‘the most beautiful creature on God’s earth’ meant he was willing to overlook her inability to love in exchange for being able to call her his wife.

  ‘Of course I had no idea. How could I? Your father and Robert orchestrated the whole thing between them. That’s what men do, isn’t it? They take all the big decisions, and the women have no choice but to go along with them. I shouldn’t be surprised by your father’s part in this. He was always a crook. But I thought Robert was different. You know the British police are saying he killed that poor man? Threw him out the window of his own flat. I’ve spent all these years married to a man I barely know.’

  Kitty’s face was blank, betraying nothing, but Emer knew this wasn’t easy for her. Robert had been charged with murdering Michael Holden. Traces of his DNA had been found on Michael’s body and in his flat. In his arrogance, it had never occurred to Robert that he’d get caught.

  Ursula paused to dab her eyes some more.

  ‘It’s your fault, Emer. You told Maeve where that man lived and she passed the information on to Robert. He told me he’d gone to London for a business meeting. That was a lie too, wasn’t it? He’d gone there to clean up the mess he’d made of everything. I thought I was married to the future leader of our country. Instead, I’ve wasted the best years of my life with a liar and a crook.’

  Emer hadn’t seen Robert since he’d been arrested, but Ed Mitchell had kept her updated. Robert had eventually confessed to killing Michael Holden, although he claimed the death was an accident. His story was that Maeve had told him Emer would be at the block of flats that morning. He’d gone there to try to persuade her to come back home. When he’d seen her go into the building, his curiosity got the better of him and he followed her. Then, when he’d asked Michael where he could find Emer, Michael got aggressive and Robert had no choice but to defend himself. It was clearly a load of bullshit but, for now, that was Robert’s story and
he was sticking to it.

  ‘I feel utterly betrayed.’ Ursula looked at Emer. ‘You remember, don’t you darling? I was a mess after we lost your sister. You were the only thing that kept me going. My reason for getting up and dragging myself through day after endless day. And all the time, my baby girl was alive.’

  ‘Mum,’ Kitty said. ‘Robert is saying the whole thing was your idea. He’s claiming he didn’t even know, until recently, that I was still alive.’

  ‘Of course he’s saying that,’ Ursula snapped. ‘And I do wish you’d call me Ursula. Mum is such a dreary world. Robert had to have known. He was driving the car that hit Lucy, wasn’t he? You were there. Robert killed that poor girl and he buried her body in the bog. And you lied about it, Kitty. I know you were only a child, but think of the damage that’s been caused by your lies. I thought I’d raised both my children to be honest and truthful. But the first bit of trouble you found yourself in, you tried to lie your way out of it. Nature over nurture, I fear. You’re your father’s daughter, after all.’

  ‘You’ve just told us you didn’t know what happened,’ Emer interrupted. ‘If that’s the case, how do you know he buried her in the bog?’

  ‘Don’t you think I’ve had enough time over the last few days to piece things together?’ Ursula said. ‘I do have a brain, you know.’

  ‘So you’re just guessing that’s what he did?’ Emer said.

  ‘How dare you?’ Ursula said. ‘Kitty, do you see what she’s like? It’s been a challenge raising her. She’s got a mean, nasty side to her. You, on the other hand, were always such a good girl. That’s why it’s so wonderful to have you back, finally.’

  Their mother’s ability to reimagine the past was astonishing, Emer thought. The truth was, she’d always been harder on Kitty than she’d ever been on Emer. Probably because Kitty had been braver than Emer, more willing to stand up to their mother. Something Emer had always been too scared to do.

  ‘I saw you,’ Kitty said, her voice low and hard.

  ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

  ‘You know exactly what I’m talking about.’

  The tension between them was tangible. The room fizzed with it. Emer couldn’t take her eyes off her mother, waiting to see how she’d react. There was a pattern with Ursula, a woman who didn’t see anything wrong with lying and cheating or doing whatever was needed to get her own way. Whenever she was called out on a lie, or a wrongdoing, she always responded in the same way. First, she’d act wounded, as if she couldn’t believe anyone would ever doubt her. This would rapidly become a defensive anger, until it eventually became too exhausting for the other person and, inevitably, they would back down.

  That wasn’t going to happen now, though. This time, there was no Robert to intervene on his wife’s behalf and do everything he could to smooth the situation over as quickly as possible. This time, Emer wasn’t alone.

  ‘You were in the house that night,’ Kitty said. ‘Upstairs in the bedroom, filming what was being done to that poor girl. And later, you brought Robert to the house and let him threaten me. Do you remember that, Ursula? He came into my bedroom and put his hands around my neck and told me he would kill me if I ever told anyone what had happened.’

  Ursula frowned.

  ‘I really have no idea what you’re talking about. It was such a long time ago, darling.’

  ‘I saw you.’

  ‘Please.’ Ursula held up a hand. ‘Whatever you think you saw, you need to stop. Losing you destroyed me. But you’re back now. We should be celebrating, not finding ways to blame each other for what happened. I thought you were dead, Kitty, and I can’t bear for you to think I was in any way involved with what happened to you. How could you? I’m your mother. I would have done anything to protect you and keep you safe.’

  ‘Bríd Keenan.’

  Something flickered across Ursula’s face. Fear. For the first time since they’d been here, she was frightened of where this conversation was going.

  ‘It took me a while to work it out,’ Kitty said. ‘But I’ve had nothing but time to think about everything. Twenty-three years of it. You used to take me into work with you sometimes. I remember Bríd. She was doing work experience for Robert. A fifteen-year-old girl from the Travelling community. It was part of his persona, wasn’t it? Doing his bit to help the Travellers. Except what people didn’t know is that the young girls who did work experience were expected to do a few other things as well, weren’t they?’

  Ursula stood up.

  ‘I refuse to stay here a moment longer and listen to any of this. How dare you come into my house after all these years and start throwing accusations at me? I am not the villain here, Kitty. Oh, I’m sure your sister’s done a fine job of filling your head with lies about me. But that’s all they are. Lies! I am a decent woman who has had to endure more than any mother ought to. On top of that, I’ve just discovered both my husbands lied to me. It’s too much. Can’t you see that?’

  She started to leave, but Kitty called after her.

  ‘I’ve been to see her.’

  Ursula stopped walking, but kept her back to them so Emer couldn’t see the expression on her face. She could imagine it, though. Cold and angry, her mouth set in a straight line, as she thought of a way to wiggle her way out of this one.

  ‘I remember her,’ she said, after a moment. ‘A lying little bitch. We had to fire her, as I recall. We discovered she’d been stealing money from the petty cash. I tried to warn Robert, told him there would always be problems with those sorts of people. But he wanted to help, despite my warnings. Well, this just shows how misguided he was.’

  She turned around, smiling now because she thought she’d found her way out.

  ‘People like that are always looking to tell lies about men like Robert. They’re jealous of him. Plain and simple. I’m sure she’s never forgiven him for letting her go, even though she’s lucky that’s all it was. He should have reported her to the Guards, if you ask me. She’ll say anything she can to sully his reputation. But that’s all this is. A bitter young woman lying to get revenge on a man who only ever wanted to help her.’

  ‘Christ almighty,’ Emer burst out. ‘You’re not even being consistent with your lies. Are you trying to convince us Robert is a crook who killed Lucy and then made Kitty disappear? Or that he’s a good man who’s dedicated his life to helping people?’

  ‘I wouldn’t expect you to understand,’ Ursula said coolly. ‘People are complex. It’s perfectly possible for a good person to make a mistake. That’s all Lucy was. A silly mistake that he’s going to have to pay for. And I’m glad, because it’s good that everyone finally knows the truth. As for what your sister thinks she saw, we were having a party. Powerful men like Robert and his associates, they have big appetites. A real zest for life that so many people are lacking. My job was to make sure those appetites were satisfied. That may sound distasteful to you two, but everyone at that party wanted to be there. Those girls used to beg me to let them come along. Why? Because they were little scrubbers who didn’t think twice about opening their legs in exchange for cash. And believe me, they got paid handsomely for anything they did at those parties.’

  She stopped speaking, as if realising she’d already said too much.

  ‘Three days after Lucy was killed,’ Kitty said, ‘you took me into work with you. Bríd wasn’t there. When I asked you where she was, you told me Robert had fired her because she’d been stealing from you.’

  ‘That’s right.’ Ursula nodded her head. ‘You see? I’ve been telling the truth all along.’

  ‘I recognised her voice,’ Kitty said. ‘At the time, I didn’t know where from. It was only later, years later, that I worked it out. I’ve never been able to separate out what happened that night with poor Bríd getting fired.’

  ‘I’m not sure what to say.’ Ursula shrugged. ‘People get fired from their jobs all the time.’

  ‘But she wasn’t the sort of person to steal,’ Kitty said
. ‘She was kind and funny and decent. I remember all those things about her, even now. So I decided to track her down and ask her if she was the woman I’d seen in the house. Finding her was easier than I’d thought. There’s a charity in Loughrea that helps traveller women across the county. I went there a few days ago and asked about Bríd. Turns out she set up the charity herself. Using the money you gave her to keep quiet about what happened to her that night. Except she’s not going to keep quiet any longer. She’s already told a journalist what happened, and he believes her. The story’s going to be all over the press in the next few days.’

  ‘No.’

  The word came out like a whisper. The colour had drained from Ursula’s face. For a moment, Emer thought she would crack and confess. Instead, her mother turned and walked out of the room without another word.

  ‘Let her go,’ she said, as Kitty stood and went to follow her.

  Outside, a car was turning into the driveway. A navy blue sedan that pulled up beside Ursula’s BMW convertible. Two men in dark suits climbed out and started walking towards the front door.

  ‘The Guards are here,’ Emer said. ‘I’ll go and let them in. They can deal with her now.’

  ‘What about us?’ Kitty said. ‘What do we do?’

  ‘We’re taking a trip to Galway,’ Emer said. ‘There’s someone I want you to meet. Her name’s Nikki. She’s already heard a lot about you. I called her last night and it turns out she’s home this weekend. She can’t wait to meet you.’

  Fifty-one

  ‘So this is it then.’ Ella took a step forward, and Dee grabbed her. Held her tight then let her go and twisted her face into a smile.

  ‘Text me when you get there?’

  ‘Of course.’ Ella turned and called for Jake, who was sitting on the beach, stacking stones one on top of the other. ‘Come and say goodbye, Jakey.’

  He stood up and walked over, his little face scrunched into a scowl.

  ‘I don’t want to go.’