Diane R. Jewkes

by The Heart You Own

  It reminded Hawke of a dressing down he received from his commander in India; he suppressed an urge to snap to attention and salute.

  “Well?”

  “Sir.”

  He was not some green boy, he reminded himself, he was a member of the peerage, and while this man was his partner, and he respected him, he would not be made to feel guilt for something. Admittedly, I might have fantasized about it, but nothing happened. I know he has a right to question me. Hell, I’d like to know myself. But he would not be put in this position. Any discussion should be between he and Kara.

  “Case,” he began, drawing himself up straight in his chair. “I have done nothing to, or with, your daughter. And while I do not know what you have been told, I will admit she seems to react … strongly to my presence, and if I’m to be honest … .” He leaned back in his chair trying to convey a confidence he really wasn’t feeling. “I have the same reaction to her. Despite the apparent attraction, however, I believe her general animosity at my being here, being your partner, and my desire to conclude the search for Geoffrey Tompkins, will forestall anything advancing.”

  “It’s not her animosity towards you I’m hearing about. No. What I want to know,” Case leaned forward, his hands palm down on the desk as if he meant to rise, “is exactly what your feelings are towards her? I know you come from a world where moral lassitude is prevalent.” The low menace of his voice, chilling in its intensity, was more effective than shouting. “Not here. If you think to lead my daughter on or take advantage of her feelings or her innocence in any way, you better think again.”

  Case reached for a carved rosewood box on his desk removed a cigar, trimmed the end, lit it, and sat back in his chair.

  “However,” he continued, “if you wish to court my daughter, properly, with the expectation of marrying her … .” The smile died on his lips. “Then that is another matter.”

  Hawke was surprised when Case then propped his leg across the corner of the desk, smoke curled toward the ceiling.

  Confounded by the change of direction, Hawke was speechless. Maybe Alec was right.

  Staring at Case, he firmly believed the marriage minded mamas in London could take lessons from the man seated in front of him. He had been neatly cornered, just like the calves he saw in the corral earlier.

  If he wanted to further explore the attraction he knew existed, he would be honor-bound to declare his suit, and if not, he knew sure as the sun rose in the east, his every movement would be watched, and he would be kept far away from Kara.

  The thought of not seeing her made his blood boil. I will not allow it. Anger roared through him. She is mine.

  Where had that come from? His temper cooled as his reaction shook him to the core. Am I ready to marry, to stay with one woman? And if so, why this woman? He felt completely off balance.

  “Got you to thinking, didn’t I?” A low chuckle brought him out of the churning in his head. Looking up, he caught a twinkle in the older man’s eyes. Tilting his head in question, he could only stare at his partner, dumbfounded.

  “I am deadly serious about what I said. You need to make a choice.”

  Case removed his leg from the desk and leaned forward, the leather of his chair creaking. His elbows rested on the desk as he steepled his fingers.

  “I will tell you, my Emma’s father put me in pretty much the same position many years ago.” A sad smile played across his mouth. “I was still in the cavalry, the war had just ended, and I met this amazing young woman.”

  Hawke could hear the longing in his voice.

  “We were wildly attracted to each other, flirted constantly, and had trouble keeping our hands off each other.” His piercing gaze held Hawke. “Her father took me aside, scared the life out of me, and made me realize she was not some casual flirtation, but that she was meant for me and I for her. The one thought running through my head as he talked of separating us was, ‘But she belongs to me,’ and it was then I knew I had to be with her, always.”

  Hawke could see love and loss in the older man’s eyes.

  “This is what I see when you look at my Kara. And why we are having this talk. What has been reported to me only reinforces my belief that you need to decide.” Case leaned back; puffing idly on his cigar, smoke twirled languidly from the glowing tip. “I’m not going to ask you to answer me right now. We will be going into White Oaks on Saturday. There’s a singer performing at the Starr Opera House, and we will attend church and the races on Sunday. I will wait until we return from town.” Case pointed the cigar at him. “But then, young man, I will have an answer.”

  Speechless, Hawke stood, nodded, turned, and left the room.

  • • •

  Sitting in the chair by the open window, Hawke lit a cigar, puffing it while contemplating his conundrum.

  Damn.

  Was Case right?

  Was Alec right?

  Was he falling in love with Kara? Was she the one for him? He certainly had plenty of years, and plenty of dalliances with all types of women, and had never felt the way he did about her. It was almost primitive, the drive to possess her and mark her as his.

  But was it love?

  Surprisingly he didn’t feel any resentment he had been put in this position.

  Why?

  Letting the smoke drift slowly upwards, unaware of the passage of the early evening into the cool tendrils of the deepening night.

  Chapter 15

  Kara didn’t go downstairs for dinner. She couldn’t face anyone after what had happened in the barn. Her cheeks burned at the memory of his touch and her response. Maria had brought dinner up to her, and the two had spent hours talking.

  Maria was convinced she really didn’t dislike Hawke, no; in fact, as far as Maria was concerned it was the complete opposite.

  “It’s so obvious. Even the men have commented on it.” Maria told her as she idly picked at her dinner. “And you know if cowboys notice something that doesn’t have hooves or horns, then it must be really, really apparent.”

  Kara’s stomach turned at the thought of everyone talking about her and Hawke … it was mortifying.

  Sighing, feeling defeated, she looked at her friend. “All right, I will admit I no longer completely dislike the man, and yes, he is nice looking,”

  Maria snorted.

  “He’s very handsome, and yes.” Kara rolled her eyes, flopped back on her bed, and put her hands behind her head, staring at the ceiling, recalling the rush of heat his touch sent through her. “There is something about him I can’t seem to resist.”

  Rolling her head to the side she looked at her friend. “But, Maria, it scares me, this feeling. What will happen if I let this continue? Will I find myself lonely and longing for someone who won’t be here?” She sat up, anxiety gnawing at her insides. “The ranch isn’t the only reason he’s here, and I’m afraid whatever those reasons are, once resolved, he will return to England. What will happen then? He doesn’t need to live here to be my father’s partner. What will happen to me?”

  Drawing up her knees she wrapped her arms around them, fighting the urge to cry.

  Maria sat on the bed and put her arm around her shoulder. “Why, if he loves you and you love him, would you not marry and return to England with him? This is what a wife does. Lives with her husband, verdad?”

  Marriage! Love? Leaving the ranch?

  Kara’s head was spinning, her stomach queasy with unanswered questions.

  “Love? Who said anything about love?” She felt like one of her dogies, confused and lost. “Love? I never said I was in love with him. I don’t know if what he makes me feel is love or just lust.”

  Maria gasped. “Lust! What do you know of lust? Do you think you are the kind of person who could feel strongly as you do about this man, and not have your heart involved? I reall
y don’t think so.”

  Flopping back on her pillow once more, Kara sighed. “I don’t know what I feel, but I know if my life and his are destined to intertwine, then I have to face leaving the ranch and all I know and love. And that is what scares me the most.”

  • • •

  The house settled down for the night, but Kara, restless and unable to sleep, decided to take a walk in the walled garden. Pulling on a robe and slippers, she headed down the outside stairs to the area just beyond the patio.

  The night air was soft and the light of the moon cast a glow on the plants and rocks around her. Still she was careful where she stepped. You could never know where a rattler might have curled up for the evening. At the end of the walkway was a small, open gazebo gleaming white in the moonlight. Her father had built for her mother. It was where she liked to go when she was upset or confused. It made her feel closer to her mother.

  “Oh, Mama,” she sighed softly, sitting on the bench, the ache of loss strong, “how I miss you. I need your advice more than ever. I don’t know what to do. He frightens me, but at the same time I can’t seem to stay away. I want him.”

  She gazed at the stars twinkling brightly in the velvet midnight sky, as tears rolled quietly down her cheeks.

  “I love you, Mama,” she whispered, wiping the tears with the back of her hand, “how I wish you could help me now.” Drawing a deep ragged sigh, she said a prayer.

  She knew only she could solve this dilemma. Lost in her thoughts, she did not hear the crunching on the stones. She started at the quiet cough. Afraid it might be Black, she drew back into the shadows, looking for something to defend herself with.

  “I didn’t mean to frighten you.” Hawke quickly moved towards her, his hand extended.

  “What are you doing out here?”

  Her heart pounded painfully in her chest. She was not ready to face him or deal with the attraction she felt.

  “I couldn’t sleep, and when I saw you out here, I thought it might be a good time for us to talk. Also, I came to let you know Alec and I will be leaving for White Oaks in the morning, ahead your father’s scheduled departure on Saturday. I have some business to conclude.”

  “Is this the business you and Alec have been so secretive about?” She stood, uneasiness overcome by curiosity. She wanted to know if he would finally tell her about this mysterious business of his. “What have you been hiding? It isn’t anything that would hurt my family or the ranch, is it?”

  • • •

  The note in her voice and the tilt of her head reminded him so much of Bethany, Hawke had to smile.

  Lifting his hand to softly caress her cheek, Hawke decided to tell her the whole story. Maybe then she wouldn’t be so suspicious of him. Maybe then, she might begin to trust him.

  He felt her stiffen when he touched her. She relaxed, and instead of pulling away from his touch, leaned her cheek into his palm. The small gesture touched him.

  “No, the business I have in White Oaks started before I ever heard of your ranch, or you. It has to do with my sister Bethany. She’s a few years younger than you. Always a bright and loving and as a child — she was forever in my back pocket.” Memories of a girl who no longer existed drew a sigh from deep inside him. “She was always happy and very trusting of everyone.” He shrugged his shoulders. “And why not? She’d never had a reason to mistrust anyone … until she got tangled up with Geoffrey Tompkins.”

  His lips tightened. “Geoffrey is the second son of our neighbor, Lord Tompkins.”

  Bethany was flattered by the attention Geoffrey paid her. She had just had her coming-out but had yet to go to London to make her bow in court. In the country there weren’t many young men to court her, so Geoffrey’s attention seemed all the more special. “I was in India at the time. Through her letters I knew of her growing feelings. I wrote her repeatedly, telling her not to let him turn her head, but she wouldn’t listen to me.”

  He hesitated, memories crowded his tongue. “My father had gone to London on business, leaving my mother and Bethany alone with a houseful of servants. You’d think she would have been safe, surrounded by people. But Tompkins sent her a note asking her to meet him. She went even though it had been expressly forbidden.”

  A small cloud, scuttling across the sky, hid the moon.

  His voice was tight and the words caught in his throat, anger choking him.

  “Ewan, the head groom, found her after her horse returned without her.” His head dropped to his chest. He unclenched his fist and clutched her hand like drowning man grasping a lifeline.

  “She was lying by the lake, curled in a ball. I was told her dress had been torn and there were bruises on her body. She wouldn’t tell anyone what had happened. She screamed when the doctor came to examine her. No one could console her. She shut herself away from the world. She no longer laughs or has any joy in life. She is in a dark world no one can reach.” A ragged breath escaped through tight lips. “She has locked herself away from everything and everyone.”

  Then he explained how his father had sent the magistrate after Geoffrey, but it was too late, and how he and Alec had learned through the Pinkerton Detective, that Geoffrey was hiding in White Oaks.

  “Alec returned from White Oaks earlier today with word Geoffrey had been found,” Hawke said. “He also found out from a Miss Babours that Tompkins has been living and working in town for many months.”

  “Daisy is the schoolteacher in town. She knows who every eligible man in town is, and what their prospects are. I don’t think she wants to remain a teacher for long.” Kara smiled.

  “I daresay you are familiar with women like her?”

  “Was your sister … .”

  She caught herself. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t — I’m sorry,” she stammered, as she dropped her head, cheeks aflame, ashamed of her forwardness.

  “It’s all right.” He squeezed her hand. “The doctor said no, and found no evidence to make him think Geoffrey had done more than attempt to force himself on her. The doctor said physically she hadn’t been hurt badly, but emotionally she seemed to have shattered like a piece of crystal dropped on a floor.”

  “I’m sorry for the pain you and your family have had to endure.”

  • • •

  Kara contemplated the story he’d told her. The thought that his sister might have reacted out of proportion played in her mind. She stomped the traitorous thought down. How could I think such a thing? Even though she had met girls like that — spoiled, demanding girls who would use every advantage to gain their way — there was no evidence Bethany was the same type. She didn’t know her.

  In the end, it didn’t really matter. It was the pain and guilt so plainly etched on the face of the man seated beside her that tore at her heart. He still clasped her hand tightly between his, lost in his thoughts.

  Tentatively, she reached up with her free hand and turned his face to hers, gazing once more in the smoky depths of his eyes. No matter what the truth, she only wanted to soothe the pain she saw.

  “You can’t keep blaming yourself,” she told him. “There was no way you could have prevented what happened. Your sister chose to sneak out of the house and meet him. If I had been in her place, I might have done the same thing. But you do have control over how you react. You said yourself you were not there, and no one has had a chance to question Geoffrey about what happened. Maybe, before you go off and kill him or hurt him, you might ask him what happened. Then if you don’t like his answer — ” She saw his eyes questioning. “Then you can kill him. But realize, no matter what you do, only your sister can heal herself.”

  • • •

  When had this woman-child become so wise? At first her words angered him. It was his sister she was talking about, what did she know about her? But as she continued, he realized her concerns were valid. He always prided
himself on being logical and pragmatic, but in just a few words Kara pointed out how he was reacting emotionally. He tried to put emotion aside and look again.

  The doctor said Bethany had not been raped, and though there were a few bruises on her waist and arms, nothing to suggest Tompkins had gotten under her skirts. He still had every intention of finding Tompkins. But, he would talk to him first — then kill him. Looking into her softly smiling face, he felt his admiration and respect for her grow. If only Bethany had been raised to be as independent and strong as Kara. She cradled his cheek with her hand — a gentle gesture, but it made desire roar to life. He turned his head in her hand, inhaled the fragrance uniquely hers, and placed a soft kiss on the warm palm. He was surprised at the softness of her hands, knowing how hard she worked. He heard her soft intake of her breath and felt his blood heat. Reaching up, he captured her hand and placed small kisses on the inside of her wrist.

  Even as he leaned in to capture her lips, a part of Hawke’s brain raised the specter of his promise to her father.

  But her lips beckoned, so lush and inviting, he’d have to be a saint not to respond. Groaning, he pulled her softly to him, and kissed her, and knew he was lost.

  Her tongue tentatively touched his and Hawke thought he was going to lose all control. The innocent sensuality of this woman, warm in his arms, surprised and pleased him. There was nothing coy about her. The need to make her his dug into him like spurs. He felt firm, warm flesh through her robe, driving him wild with need. He felt a ragged sigh against his mouth, and knew her need matched his.

  Her response to him was so strong, he was in danger of losing what tenuous control he had over his raging desire. Hawke was drowning in the whirlpool of desire.

  No matter the woman, in the past, he had always kept a portion of himself apart, in control. But she was so warm in his arms, drawing him in, he didn’t want to keep any part of himself from her. Her small hands rubbing impatiently on his chest threatened to send him over the edge. He knew she didn’t know what she was pleading for with her caresses. He burned to take her, lay her down, right there, and make her his.