Mess with Me

by Nicole Helm

  Things to do, work to do. He felt as disjointed as he ever had. Without Hayley greeting him with that careful smile that had grown braver every morning, things just weren’t as bright.

  He made his oatmeal, and then decided to eat it on the porch. The sun was beginning to rise, and Sam loved this gray dawn and the way it held so much promise. The way it reminded him that life kept going on, even when he didn’t want it to.

  For years, that had felt like a punishment or some sort of cruel karmic joke, but now . . . Even with things unsure with Hayley, now dawn felt like a promise.

  Like a legend coming true. Mountains could heal. He almost believed it.

  He situated himself on the little chair on the porch and ate his oatmeal as he listened to the woodland animals move around in the early morning.

  Yeah, today was going to have to be the day. One way or another, today he was going to approach Hayley and make her tell him what had scared her, or hurt her, or whatever it was that he’d seen in her eyes that night. He wasn’t waiting anymore. He wasn’t giving her space anymore.

  That was when he heard the car. It was silly to get his hopes up that it was Hayley, but he could tell the difference between a Jeep or a truck or a car. He could tell the difference between a functioning car and Hayley’s car.

  Unless someone else was driving up in their ancient piece of shit, that was Hayley.

  Coming to him.

  He knew he should stay where he was, but he couldn’t help himself. He set the bowl on the railing of the porch and hurried around the cabin. He started striding across his yard, determined to meet her in the pathway. Determined to—

  And then she appeared. Colorful and gorgeous and a little out of breath. Here. Standing in his yard, just a few feet away from where he’d stopped.

  “Good morning,” she offered.

  “Good morning,” he returned, stupidly. Lamely.

  “So, I’ve, uh, decided something.”

  “Oh yeah? What’s that?”

  “I’m going to rewind the past six days and pretend that none of it ever happened.”

  “I’m going to need a complete breakdown of the hours that you want to erase.”

  She took a step toward him, reaching out tentatively to rest her fingertips on his chest. He looked down at the contact, wishing he could simply wrap his hand around her hand, pull her into him, and forget everything.

  But if they forgot everything now, it would only resurface. He hadn’t dealt with his pain or his guilt for years, but it had always been there. It had been an unfortunate and unwieldy realization that he couldn’t ever make it go away. He could only accept it and deal with it.

  Which meant they had to do the same.

  “That’s not going to work, is it?” Those golden-hazel eyes looked up at him somewhat plaintively. God, he’d missed this woman who’d brought him out of all that crap, made him face the world, had made him want to.

  “Not if you want this to be something.”

  “I do. I do want it to be something. I love you, Sam. And I know I freaked out, but that doesn’t change love. Not for me.”

  “Not for me either, Hayley.”

  “So, I guess that means we have to talk.”

  “Undoubtedly. And since that need started with you kicking me out of your apartment, I think talking has to start with you.”

  She bit her lip and frowned. He could tell she hadn’t slept much. She looked tired and there was a gray tint to her usually vibrant brown skin.

  This whole thing hadn’t been any easier for her than it had been for him. Maybe it made him a selfish asshole, but he was glad. Because easy would mean it didn’t matter the way it needed to. He was certain of that.

  “You know how, over the past couple months, you sort of gradually opened up, and slowly changed and accepted the whole living amongst the living again?”

  “Yes, I guess that’s how it went.”

  Her fingers curled in the fabric of his shirt, and he covered it with his own. To comfort, to protect, to reassure and, most of all, to love.

  “My whole life has been something of the opposite. It has been pushing down all of those things that I didn’t want to face and pretending they weren’t there. You never pretended your issues didn’t exist. You hid away, but it wasn’t pretending. It was hiding, but it wasn’t faking it.”

  She took a deep, shaky breath, and then she brought her other hand to his chest, curling her fingers there too. Holding on to him, finding some courage there, he thought.

  She met his gaze, looking hurt and sad, but not nearly as lost or panicked as the other day.

  “All I’ve done is fake it. Forever. Pretend, and try to give other people what they wanted, and then convince myself I was on some sort of righteous path by finally looking for what I wanted. But it wasn’t righteous, because I still hadn’t dealt with all of those things that I pushed down for so long. So instead of slowly opening up like you did, it was more like a volcano getting ready to erupt. Every little thing piled on and on, until I had no choice but to . . . well, erupt.”

  He skimmed his fingertips over her cheek, because he couldn’t stand to not touch her as she was so bravely explaining herself to him. Before this moment, he might not have fully understood how much she, in her own way, had kept hidden and walked away when things were uncomfortable.

  She’d been this wonderful, warm woman who’d stood up to him and made him face his fears, but he’d missed the fear that bubbled under the surface of her life.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t see it.”

  Hayley shook her head and swallowed. Tears were in her eyes, but she seemed determined to fight them. Always so determined, always such a fighter. She humbled him, even when she was the one supposed to be apologizing.

  “You shouldn’t be sorry, because I should have been the one to say it. I hate . . .” She paused, clearly upset. “I hate having to show those things inside of me that I don’t like, because I’m always so afraid that someone else won’t like it either. And that they’d hide me away. I never told you . . . When you wanted to keep us a secret from Brandon and Will, it hit a tender spot I hadn’t told you about. That isn’t your fault. I should have explained, but it was just so raw. Because I’d never dealt with it.”

  Sam pulled her into a hug then, and she kept her fingers curled in his shirt, but she leaned her head against him.

  “So, let’s deal with it. Here and now, because I’m not letting you walk out of here until we do.”

  * * *

  She’d screwed up her courage all damn night, but it was failing. In Sam’s warm embrace, holding on to him for dear life, the last thing she wanted to do was explain to him how foolish she’d been.

  But there wasn’t a choice, was there? And even in the worst-case scenario, where Sam couldn’t accept her for all her hang-ups, it wasn’t as if she’d be alone. She had family, people who cared. Both here and back in Aurora. She had so very much, it was stupid to be afraid of losing.

  “When I was a little girl, and my mom started dating, before she married my stepdad, she would . . . Well, it would be . . .” Hayley took a deep breath, and burrowed deeper into Sam. So big and strong and willing to change.

  Willing to attribute that change to her. It was big. It was huge. “She didn’t want the guys she was dating to know she had a daughter. So, if she couldn’t find a sitter who would take me to their house, she’d pretend I was her niece. I know she didn’t mean to make me feel the way it felt. I talked to her about it last night. All of it, really, and I see now that we all interpret our own meaning of how things are. But secrets are a sore spot to me, because I always felt ashamed of being this thing she had to hide.”

  Sam pulled—nearly jerked—her away from his chest, and she was taken aback by how quickly she was torn from the warm cocoon she’d buried herself in.

  But his hands came to her cheeks, cupping her face, forcing her to look up at him. The trees, the mountains, the sky—it all made a brilliant background behi
nd him, and yet nothing matched the blue of his eyes, the warmth of his hands.

  “I never wanted to hide you. I didn’t want you to feel weird about Brandon and Will. I wanted to give you more time to solidify your relationship with them. I didn’t want to get in the way of anything you were building there.”

  She could barely stand to look in those blazing blue eyes. He wasn’t angry exactly, but hurt—hurt that he’d hurt her, and she didn’t want him to feel that. This was on her. Her issues.

  “I think I’ve always assumed everyone had it more together than me, and I had to pretend like I knew what they knew, and felt what they felt. And then I met you . . .”

  “Who was so clearly not more together than you.”

  She pressed her lips together, trying not to smile. “I mean, I think that was part of what made it easier to talk to you, to stand up to you. But it isn’t what made me fall in love with you.”

  “Then what was?”

  “The way you started putting yourself out there. The way you treated me—even when you were being grumpy, I was always a person. Not someone to protect or hide or anything. Just me.”

  “You know what’s funny?” He stroked her cheek again, everything soft and wonderful in his eyes. “I fell in love with you for something like the same reason. You didn’t shy away, you weren’t too scared or unsure to poke at all those old wounds that needed poking. You saw me, the man underneath all the walls and tragedy, and how could I not love that woman?”

  “Sam . . .” How did he get so good with words? It wasn’t fair. Hers were so very hard to find. She just wanted to hold him and kiss him and love him without putting it into words.

  “I love you, Hayley, I do, but I’m thinking . . . Maybe we should start over?”

  She frowned at him. “Start over?”

  “Step back and build from square one. A date. Hikes together that are for talking, not working. Really dig in and get to know each other. Build something.”

  “But what about sex?”

  Sam barked out a laugh and suddenly she was crushed against his chest again. Which was a wonderful place to be.

  “We’ll figure sex out.”

  “Right now?” she asked a little too hopefully.

  She thought he was trying to muster a disapproving look, but it didn’t quite work, so she flashed a smile at him. “You wait twenty-four years to have it, once you do, you’re ready to replicate the process a few times to really figure it all out.”

  His lip quirked at that, but then he grew serious. “I told Will and Brandon.”

  “Oh.” It surprised her that he would without knowing why she didn’t like secrets. And it worried her, because as much as she’d fallen in love with Sam, she wanted the chance at a relationship with Will and Brandon.

  And you’ll have one with them, even if you have to work at it.

  “They took it okay, I think. But I thought you should know. That they know. I never meant to keep it from them for always. It really wasn’t about you in the sense you thought it was.”

  “Thank you. Really. I needed to hear that.” Hear it. Believe it. She took a deep breath and let it out. No more secrets. Not about her, and not within her.

  “And you promise to tell me what it is you need to hear, before you cry or kick me out?”

  She nodded, feeling a little teary all over again. “If you promise to do the same.”

  “I promise,” he said emphatically.

  It was an excellent place to start, that promise. To open up, to heal side by side and hand in hand. Together.

  “Then I promise too.” She would be happy to make a million promises to this man, in the name of love, but she needed to give him more. To be as brave as he’d been when he’d stepped back into living.

  “I was so afraid before I met you, Sam. I hid everything. What I wanted, what I felt, and at first I thought standing up to you was easy because you didn’t matter, or because you were a mess, but I realize that wasn’t it at all. Talking to you was easy because I’d found a safe place I didn’t doubt. You were strong and sturdy and I knew no matter how much I pushed, you wouldn’t break. I needed that.”

  He skimmed a finger across her cheek. “And I needed all of those pushes. From you. Only you.”

  “I don’t want to start over, Sam. I want to keep going from right here. Pushing. Standing strong. Loving each other. That’s what I want.” Because getting what she wanted was never just going to fall into her lap. She had to act, and she had to ask.

  She tugged his mouth down to within a whisper of hers, meeting that warm blue gaze. “What do you want?”

  “I want you,” he said resolutely, never breaking eye contact. “I want us.” Sam’s mouth touched hers, gentle and sweet and hers.

  Hayley Winthrop had come to Gracely in a search for belonging, but what she’d found was so much bigger and better than that. She’d found her courage. She’d found her life’s work. She’d found herself.

  Best of all, she’d found a man who’d helped her discover it all while she’d helped him shape a new life for himself, one of healing and hope.

  Here, in the shadow of magical mountains worthy of their legends, they had shaped each other, and that was the kind of foundation that legends were made of.

  Read on for a preview of

  Tori and Will’s story in . . .

  WANT YOU MORE

  by

  Nicole Helm,

  available in December 2017

  wherever print and eBooks are sold!

  Followed by a preview of

  SO WRONG IT MUST BE RIGHT

  by

  Nicole Helm,

  available now

  wherever eBooks are sold!

  Want You More

  Tori Appleby had fallen in love with Gracely, Colorado almost the moment her Jeep had driven over the boundary. It was gorgeous, for starters. Settled into a valley where mountains bracketed either side, craggy, snow-peaked sentries that seemed to look out over the tiny Colorado town.

  She’d felt . . . protected. Which was overly fanciful and unlike her, but she’d liked it just the same. She’d lived in a lot of beautiful places, and they all held different pieces of her heart. From a never-ending wheat field in Kansas, to the poshest resort in Vail or Telluride. She’d always found ways to appreciate the land around her.

  When you were alone, it was all you had.

  But Gracely was special. Back in college, when the Evans brothers and Sam Goodall had been her best friends, when they’d planned a future business endeavor together, Brandon and Will had spoken of Gracely like it was the center of the universe. They’d given it a reverence Tori hadn’t believed, even back then when she’d been a little softer, a little more naïve.

  But they were right. Some seven years later, separated from the little family she’d built after leaving her own, she’d come to Gracely and found it could be the center of the world.

  If only that center didn’t include Will Evans, the biggest mistake of her entire life. Which was saying a lot.

  Today, Tori had parked at the east end of town, taking a meandering walk around Gracely in an effort to find a place to live so she could get out of Sam’s hair. More because Sam’s hermit cabin in the woods didn’t offer the amenities she would have preferred. Like a microwave.

  Parking on the east end meant quite a walk to the one and only apartment complex, but she needed that kind of movement, that expending of energy. Because she’d decided to stay, which meant somehow, some way, she had to forget about everything with Will and a past she’d let dictate her life for far too long.

  Sarge obediently trotted at her side as she walked at a brisk pace, her German shepherd keeping up with her easily despite his age. Her pet was the one constant of the past decade.

  Before she reached the apartment complex, Tori got distracted by a row of shoved-together houses, many with For Sale or For Rent signs.

  The morning Brandon had gotten back from his honeymoon, he’d handed her a che
ck and called it a signing bonus for agreeing to work at Mile High Adventures. She knew it was bullshit and charity, but she hadn’t had a choice.

  She needed a place to live that wasn’t Sam’s, and she needed to feed herself and her dog. It required money, and she was about out. Two months of unemployment had completely depleted her savings, meager as it had been since she’d been focused on sending money home to her parents before Toby had ruined her.

  Still, no matter how damn weird it was to be here, Brandon and Sam offering her a job with Mile High Adventures, no questions asked, Will acting like he wished she’d never been born, she’d come to a realization in the weeks she’d been haunting Gracely.

  She belonged here. Gracely was perfect. Mile High was exactly what she’d dreamed it could be when she’d been in college with the boys. Though Brandon, Will, and Sam had always loved the idea as much as she did, she’d been the one who needed it.

  How she’d fallen into a friendship with these wealthy, privileged men, so foreign to the hardscrabble existence she’d had in western Kansas growing up, had always been beyond her, and she’d done so much to make sure they never gave her anything.

  It rankled to have to accept something now, but she’d pay it back tenfold. She would invest her whole mind and heart into Mile High. It had been the plan. Sam was right, she’d always been meant to be a part of this, and it was way past time she accepted her spot here.

  She stood at the corner of two streets, one which led to the apartment complex, past the row of houses.

  The first house was a cute little green structure. It was one of the few houses without a sign in the yard. It struck Tori as sad that so many people were giving up on this pretty little mountain town. Clearly this was something of a mass exodus, with so many signs.

  Of course, if there were this many houses for sale or lease . . . Maybe a house was financially feasible? She’d never had a house before, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to buy one right this very second, but it would be nice to have somewhere kind of isolated and her own, instead of another bland apartment where she had to listen to people stomp around all day or complain about her having a dog.