Reveal Me

by Sappharia Mayer

  Time passes without thought until pain streaks around my head. My eyes spring open. Ana presses the next thorned rose into the elegant updo.

  “Master insisted. He says to remind you it is not complete.” Concern laces her voice.

  Unadulterated fear runs through me.

  “Are you okay?” Ana asks. A look of confusion shadows her face.

  I force a smile.

  “Yes, Ana. The hairstyle is beautiful.”

  Behind me she gives a slight nod and I note the respect in the gesture.

  It is then I realize Dominick knew of our earlier interaction and interjected to correct it at some point.

  “Master requests you wear the dress he’s provided for you.” She motions over toward the door.

  The long white dress, in a Grecian style, hangs over the back of the door. Its formality looks out of place, but upon closer inspection the fabric is thin, though it contains several layers.

  I prepare to feel the fabric scrape across my back. When I turn it around, I realize it plummets to right above my ass. The entirety of every wound, bruise, and whip mark is on display.

  Slipping into the dress is easy. The front cleavage point mimics the back. The dress covers and uncovers in the same breath.

  “Please come with me to your room. There you will remain until you are summoned. There are no meals planned for you today. Water is provided to you,” she says and leads me back to my room.

  Chapter Eight

  Day finally fades into night. Boredom, hunger, and pain mix with the beauty and elegance I present. In the afternoon, Ana returned to my room and did my makeup. No words were spoken as she worked in a clinical manner.

  Darkness threatens to overtake the light in my room, and as I prepare to plunge into the night, a knock on the door draws my attention and I open it out of habit. It opens without effort. Confusion overtakes me as I wonder why I sit in this room when leaving is an option, even if it was unknown. My mind spins on the problem.

  In front of me, Kade clears his throat.

  “Dominick told me about tonight,” he starts. “You don't need to go through this, you know. We can end it all right here and call it good.”

  I shake my head. “I need to finish it.”

  “No, you don’t. My demons are bigger than yours. This is insane, don’t you think?”

  “No. It needs to be done. To understand the tradition upon which I am built, you must understand the path before me.”

  Kade sighs. “Why did you not teach me in this manner?” His voice sits in a sad tone.

  "When I was training you, I struggled to understand the dominant side of our tradition. Why there was a need for such rituals, penance, and disciplines. In some ways, they feel paramount to abuse, but it is the underlying connection which makes them so powerful for every person who is involved. Now I realize they heal in a way that doesn’t happen in most relationships. Each thing resonates with the primal needs of a person. Religions were built on similar concepts. Our tradition came out of an old priesthood which believed pain and ecstasy cleanses the body and clears a path for growth,” I explain. All the teachings of Dominick seem clearer than ever before.

  The sound of our breaths fill up the space.

  Finally, Kade nods.

  He turns and escorts me down the stairs to my fate. Each step bounces the ring of thorns against my scalp and I wince in pain.

  When we reach the library, Kade turns to Dominick.

  “Be merciful,” he starts. “I can vouch on her behalf. She is truly contrite for her disgraces. May the love and strength of her chosen family bring her solace in this, her deepest time of need. May this path give her a way to find amends to you, your House, your traditions, and herself. In the fullness of her confession, may you extend your forgiveness for her transgressions.”

  When he finishes, Kade bows to Dominick and takes his place beside him.

  "Atlas, you seek comfort in your chosen family. In times of loneliness or doubt, seek their counsel to find a better path. When we allow others into our world, we can lift, enlighten and comfort one another through our turmoils and struggles. Yet you bear this burden alone and must thus pay the price alone. Strip and begin the long road to forgiveness." Dominick’s voice is calm.

  With an effort disproportionate to the task, the dress drops to the floor. I feign a confidence I do not know and work to push away the fear.

  “Shall we begin?” Dominick asks.

  Behind me I hear an intake of breath.

  “What the hell is going on here?” Reece growls.

  The shock of hearing Reece’s voice runs through me. A combination of anger, fear, and excitement compete to take root as I work to focus my emotion. I struggle to face forward and not spin on my heels to meet his gaze.

  In front of me, Dominick nods and silently signals me to kneel. I sink to my knees. My eyes fall so I don’t have to look into his eyes. Emotions rush through me.

  This quiet communication tells me he knows I can fight my own battles but is taking this one for me. Part of me wants to be grateful and the other part wants to petulantly tell him I can do it myself. There’s no way to face the path in front of me and the oncoming storm raging behind me. The choice is mine to follow now for strength later.

  Both Kade and Dominick rise. They step around me to create a wall between Reece and me.

  Still, I brace. The scene Reece walked into can be construed in so many ways. In it, I lack the knowledge of what information they gave him while they sequestered me. This puts me at a significant disadvantage, and I fight to remain still.

  “Welcome to my home, Mr. Gabriel. It was a pleasure to speak with you earlier,” Dominick says politely.

  “Let me repeat my question. What the hell is going on here? You told me you knew Atlas’ location, and that she was in trouble. Yet I arrive to find her naked and covered in marks. It doesn’t look like she’s in any trouble she didn’t beg for.” Reece’s voice wavers between concern and anger.

  “Not everything in life is as it appears on the surface.” Dominick’s controlled voice holds an edge of authority. “This is the case before you.”

  “Let me talk to Atlas,” Reece demands.

  “Reece, she’s fine, man.” Kade jumps into the conversation. “Let’s go in another room. I’ll explain everything. It will make more sense if you let me fill in the blanks.”

  Tension rips through the room. Everyone holds a collective breath.

  “Fine.” Reece finally relents. “But it better be a damn good explanation.”

  “It is,” Kade confirms. “You need to have an open mind. Have I steered you wrong over the past few weeks?”

  “No.” Reece sighs.

  I exhale a deep breath. His presence brings with it a peace I did not know I missed. Guilt in leaving him washes over me.

  Behind me footsteps move and fade.

  “Shall we begin the long road, girl?” Dominick’s voice startles me out of my rolling emotions.

  “Yes, Sir.”

  “Death must come to our ego so we might arise again. Tonight, you will bear them all so in its death, you may find life,” Dominick says solemnly.

  He walks over to pick up a bamboo pole from the wall and lays it across my shoulders. My hands drape naturally across it. He binds them in place.

  “The weight of our transgressions weigh upon us as we walk through this world. Releasing this weight allows us to be free to live and love without unnecessary turmoil. Unfortunately, few bear the necessary burden to find freedom. Do you acknowledge your failings?”

  “I do.”

  “Do you choose to die in self, so you may once again rise to contribute to our world?”

  “I do.”

  “As your confessor, it is my duty to pass judgment. I hereby find you guilty of condemning others to suffering and alienation through your indifference and anger. In this I find you guilty.”

  “Please have mercy on me.” I say the words, but everything in me wants to run
.

  To the right side of the pole, Dominick adds a weight and I struggle against it to balance the pole on my shoulders.

  “Do you accept the burdens and responsibilities of the life you’ve chosen and thus willing to bear the physical manifestation of these burdens?”

  “I do.”

  He adds weights to the left side of the pole. For a moment, I am glad of the balance, but the additional weight soon pushes me down.

  “The weight of your transgressions not only adds to your burden in life but also adds to the burden of those around you. In your attempt to present perfection, you’ve hidden your failures and fears from those who would be best able to help you through these times. Failure is part of the human experience, thus you must now bear the weight of these transgressions. Do you accept them?”

  “I do.”

  Dominick adds heavy weights to both sides of the bamboo pole, and I struggle to stand under them.

  “Are you willing to face those whom you’ve transgressed against?”

  “I am.” My words require effort to push out on a breath due to the weight of the bamboo pole.

  Dominick stands in front of me as I struggle.

  “You are here, Atlas, because you took these things upon you without thought to the wants, needs, and desires around you. In this, I find you guilty and wanting,” Dominick pronounces. “You’ve disgraced our traditions, your teachings, and the path you chose in life. For these transgressions you will pay with the pain you’ve caused others.”

  Tears press against my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall.

  “Let us proceed.”

  Chapter Nine

  Dominick steps in front of me. I follow without question.

  My eyes focus on the ground. The weight of the bamboo rod sits on my shoulders and I stumble. With an effort, I catch myself in the next step, managing to stay upright.

  Each step is slow. The bamboo rod rubs against the whip’s abrasions. A groan sits right behind my lips.

  Reece steps out of a room to my right. His sudden appearance causes my focus to shift. I trip over the edge of the hallway carpet. My body braces to slam against the floor but the impact does not come.

  Behind me, the bamboo rod pulls back and my body is set upright.

  “One must willing accept the help of others in humility and gratitude without resentment towards them or self.” Kade’s voice chants the words behind me.

  “I am humbled by your assistance and thank you for being there in my time of need,” I respond. The words grind deep. When Dominick first explained this path, I did not appreciate the level of significance each step represented. Now I feel foolish and grateful for the lessons in front of me.

  “It is I who is humbled and in awe of your very existence, Atlas,” Kade says behind me.

  The tears which have long threatened to fall roll freely down my cheeks.

  With a slow effort, I work my way down the hall toward Dominick’s room of torment. I refuse to make eye contact with Reece as I pass. I cannot handle his disappointment or disgust in my predicament and ordeal.

  When I approach the door, Dominick appears in front of me.

  “Upon you, the burdens you bear are by choice. Here you will find their final resting place.” His fingers work to untie my binds. Relief rolls in waves when the bamboo pole lifts from my shoulders.

  I fall to my knees.

  “Please have mercy upon me,” I beg.

  “Mercy is not due you,” Dominick replies. “Be strong and bear your cross.”

  I do not want to move. Pain, emotions, and exhaustion war across my body. There is nothing left to give to the ravenous penance in front of me.

  “Atlas.” Reece’s voice cuts through my internal refusals. “Do what must be done.” There is uncertainty in his voice. I understand this confusion. For years I did not understand this type of ritual.

  “No matter what—I am here.” Pain and compassion lace his words.

  Kade offers his hand. I take it, and he helps me to my feet.

  I make my way to the Saint Andrew’s cross. My legs and arms spread to the appropriate position in resignation. Around me hands make quick work of binding me in place.

  “Life is about choices. Each choice impacts us and those around us. Life is about pain. In that pain we find a path which leads us toward the direction in which we need to go. Your current path is selfish and focused on the wrong things.” Dominick’s voice is resolute and without question.

  “Forgive me, for I know not the path needed to resolve my transgressions.” I force the words across my lips in reply.

  “In front of you stands your creator, your redeemer and your sustainer. In this place you will become whole. As a combination, we are your creation, destruction, and preservation. Each of us will always play a significant role in your life. One where you will find a place of teaching, a place of enlightenment, and a place where you can both lead and follow.” Dominick’s words cut through me. They are deeper in meaning than anything I’ve faced before. Trepidation and fear consume me. “Many times throughout our lives we experience birth, life, and death. Today, you die.”

  Silence engulfs the room. No one speaks. A thousand thoughts run through my mind. Each one debates the metaphorical concept and the physical reality, unable to distinguish one from the other.

  “Do you appreciate the life given to you or are you bitter with envy of the world around you? Desiring the things of others in the belief your path gives you not what you want or need, regardless of your success or the fact you are surrounded with family and love?”

  “I do not appreciate all I have, my creator. I am bitter about the work I face on a daily basis and the many faces I must wear to appease others. The path upon which I walk feels weighty and unfair,” I whisper. The words are right even if they are foreign on the tongue.

  “I see.” Dominick replies to my confession. He places four clothes pins, connected by a string, across my chest.

  I groan against the pain.

  “Are there areas where you hold back and in doing so fail to serve others and self?”

  “Yes. There are many areas of self I hold in reserve. Upon me please have mercy for my stubbornness,” I plead.

  “Mercy is not due you,” Dominick says and places four more clothespins across my skin.

  “Do you appreciate the people around you and the support they provide?”

  “I do not.”

  The words earn more clothespins.

  Time stands still. After twenty, I lose count. It is like I am floating away from the scene. Still the questions come. Each one creates an answer which is only satisfied by more clothespins down my body.

  The sting of a whip tail pulls my focus back from the floating space.

  “You do not deserve to remove yourself from this situation.” Dominick’s voice cuts through the air.

  “When all seems lost, are you willing to do whatever it takes to find the path home?”

  The questions slam against my tattered emotions.

  “Yes!” I declare without question.

  “Good girl.” Dominick’s praise renews my strength. “The one hundred and eight clothespins resulted from your confession and the penitence to see you to the other side. Each person here is a witness to your confessions and sins. We are your justice, your redemption, and your mercy. Give me your final confession and let us bring the nasty business to an end.”

  The clothespins pinch and burn across every part of my body. They run from my chest to my legs. In some areas I am thankfully numb while others create a pain difficult to bear. My body shakes under the strain of the long ordeal.

  “It’s okay, Atlas. It’s almost over. Just confess to us and let us expose your pain,” Kade says next to my ear.

  “Before you I confess my failure through my faults and missteps.” The words are hard, and I struggle to form them. “In my thoughts, words and deeds I’ve failed you and ask for your mercy and forgiveness. Guide me to the right path.”
>
  In front of me, Dominick turns to Reece.

  “Remove her pain and become her sustainer. The person she relies upon during both the good and bad times of life. A place where she finds solace and the one who can return her to all of us, should it be needed in the future.”

  He hands Reece the end of the cord. In that moment I realize the one hundred and eight clothespins are ‘release’ to my sins and may come off one at a time or in a single pull. Before me, Reece stands as my executioner.

  Chapter Ten

  The world around me is quiet. A thousand things run through my mind as I stare into his beautiful face. I drop my head and close my eyes to shut him out. Visions of being held in his arms, the picnic by the river or his lips on mine. Each one turns to the pain I saw in his eyes as he roared at me. The newspaper article plastering us across the top, proclaiming it as the Capitol area’s most recent scandal. The situation that ripped another thing from my life and plummeted the knife deep into my heart. Past pains were so much easier to move past, but Reece touched too deep. He didn’t just have the power to hurt me but to destroy the very essence of my soul. If I were to be honest with myself, it might be the love that poets and songwriters sing about or it could be the end of my world.

  Reece flicks the whip and it bites into the side of my hip with a perfect stroke. My eyes spring open and I gaze at his beautiful face. He gives nothing away, but he keeps his eyes on mine. He doesn’t blink. Everything about him is breathtaking. In such a short time, he’s become important to my world.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

  He closes his eyes and exhales. “Why are you sorry?” He opens his eyes and looks at me puzzled.

  “For everything.”

  “You need to be more specific, Atlas—or is it Alexandra?” His fingers remove the first clothespin. The blood rushes back into the skin. Pain washes across my body and mingles with the dull constant ache. I want to beg him to release them all at once and end this torture.