by K. D. Worth
Reaching between us, I adjusted myself until I was flush with his erection instead of underneath him. “I just wanna kiss you and….” It was my turn to have an inability to clarify my thoughts. “And um… you know?”
“Yeah, I know,” he agreed, smiling and thrusting his hips a little against me.
When we kissed this time, our bodies took over and all the nerves faded away. The heat of his skin touching mine, the prickle of leg hairs scratching my hips, the press of our chests together… all of it pure wonder! But the bulging groin against my own with no fabric in between—so marvelously warm—had to be the most amazing sensation of all.
One day we might go further, but right now this was more than enough.
It was perfect.
Kissing like mad, banging teeth a bit in our haste, we became a tangle of writhing limbs as we pressed closer, grabbing and moving against each other. My hands roamed all over him, still unable to believe I had him in my arms naked.
And I could touch him anywhere I wanted!
Much to my surprise and utter delight, Max reached between our bodies and lined our erections up, pumping them in his fist. Gasping as a rush of exotic new feelings swept over me, I froze, relishing the astonishing sensation of his hand on us. We’d rubbed plenty through jeans, and I’d managed to get my hands past his zipper before, but we always had to hurry.
Nothing separated us now, not jeans, underwear or even time.
All I could do was breathe, and I didn’t even know how I managed that.
“Wow,” he sighed as he stroked us.
My thoughts exactly.
When he let go, I smiled, cupping his face and joining our mouths and tongues.
Thrusting our hips in sync while we sat on the edge of the bed soon was not enough. I pulled Max with me, shifting to lie on my back with him on top, legs wrapped around my thighs. To keep certain parts together, our lips couldn’t reach one another that easily because Max was so much shorter, but he kissed any inch of skin on my neck and chest he could, nipping and toying with my nipples too. Panting from the overload of feeling, I held on to him, my fingers digging into his hips as we moved faster. Our damp skin pulled a little, but neither of us seemed to care. That delicious, new kind of friction, the rubbing, the exploring, the foreplay in the water—all of a sudden it was too much.
“Oh, Max,” I whispered as ecstasy swept over me. I buried my face in his wet hair and let the pleasure consume me. That now-familiar joy of touching Max, and being touched by him so thoroughly in return, shot through me, rocking my world. I held still, shaking as I emptied my passions against him. He moved faster then, gliding more easily over the slickness on my belly, and making me wish we’d used lotion or something earlier. My insides twinged when he trembled on top of me, adding to the wetness.
Gasping for air, he collapsed on my chest, and I heaved to catch my breath too.
“That was….” I couldn’t form words, and when our eyes met, I knew I didn’t need to. The smile and kiss he gave me spoke more than a thousand songs.
MAX—Chapter 14
AFTER KODY and I cleaned up, we’d climbed back into bed, holding hands under the covers and staring out the giant open roof of our little paradise. The cold air didn’t affect us, but the soft white cotton sheets and perfect pillows wrapped around us like heavenly clouds. We’d been lying there quietly, watching the northern lights dance across the vast night sky for so long that it startled me when Kody spoke.
“Thank you, Max.”
Savoring the way the moonlight cast a blue shadow across his face, I said, “You’re welcome.”
“This place is amazing.”
“I know, right?”
Meegan’s ability to conjure this pavilion still blew my mind. I supposed after being a reaper for thirty-odd years, the girl was bound to pick up some skills. Grateful she’d been willing to share them so I could give Kody this escape, I couldn’t wait to thank her again.
“I’m glad you made me come,” Kody said.
I giggled. “Which time? When I made you leave the dorms or just now in bed?”
“Max!” he cried, but his laughter faded quickly. “It’s been great, but it’s also….” He seemed to struggle for the right words. “Um… kinda overwhelming.”
“Which part?”
“Everything,” he said with a shrug and a shake of his head. Then he just stared up at the colorful phenomenon in the sky again, saying nothing else.
I couldn’t blame Kody for feeling overwhelmed. Hell, I was overwhelmed too, though I also felt safe being here, knowing that we’d shared something so special. Something we’d never shared with anyone else. Honestly, I’d been a little afraid about tonight, knowing that no cats or reapers would be able to interrupt us. We were totally alone and undisturbed, which meant nothing could stop us from doing whatever we wanted. Being naked had obviously been a top priority, but I was glad we’d had that awkward conversation earlier. Though embarrassing to admit what I’d been dreaming about—and the prospect still scared me—at least we seemed to be on the same page about actually having sex.
We wanted it the same way, but just not today.
He shifted to his side to look at me, eyes wide. “Are we still virgins?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well,” he began, chewing his lower lip, “I mean, we’re naked and we both, um… but we didn’t… you know? So does it count?”
A grin stretched tight across my face, and I gave him a peck on the nose. “Always the overthinker.”
“I can’t help myself,” he said, smiling. “But I was just wondering if we were official yet.”
“If anyone asks we can say we’re not virgins.”
“If anyone asks, tell them it’s none of their business,” he declared in a huff. “Nobody needs to know what we did or didn’t do. I don’t like the idea of talking about gay sex to a bunch of straights. Ever. They’ll never understand.”
Throwing my head back, I laughed. “Oh, man, can you imagine?”
“Yes, I can,” he said, tone very serious all of a sudden. “I’ve done it plenty, and I don’t ever wanna do it again.”
Then it dawned on me he was referring to his time at Camp Purity when the brothers had made him talk about all his sexual fantasies, the things he imagined when he masturbated or dreamed about doing with other boys. Over the last few months, he’d let more details slip about his time at the place, and just hearing about it had me understanding his suicide attempts better than I wanted to. They’d made him feel dirty and ashamed about things that were so natural and beautiful.
“I’m not ashamed of what we did,” I whispered. “Are you?”
“No,” he said at once.
I studied his face for a moment. “If you regretted anything, you’d tell me, right?”
“Of course.”
I held up my pinky. “Swear on it.”
Chuckling, he linked our little fingers and tugged. “I swear. It was awesome.”
“Yeah, it was.” Flopping back on the bed, I stared up at the swirling lights in the sky above, marveling at their beauty and how they added a surreal quality to this special moment between us. “I think we’re not virgins anymore,” I finally said. “I mean technically we are, but then again we’re not. Not really.”
“Okay, if you say so,” Kody said, nonchalant.
A slow giggle began inside me, erupting into a cackle of laughter. “We’re not virgins!” I shouted at the night sky. “Max Shaw and Kody Michaels are not virgins!”
Laughing, Kody put his hand on my mouth. “Be quiet!”
But his hand couldn’t smother my laughter.
“Shhh,” he said again.
“What? Afraid Slade might hear me?”
He raised his eyebrow. “Oh, I’m pretty sure he’ll know something’s up. He always does.”
“Shit, what if he asks us what we did?”
“I don’t think he will,” Kody said after a moment. “I really do think he’s asexual. Or
maybe he’s a eunuch. Either way, he’s not a perv. He just worries about us.”
I snorted in agreement and burrowed into his arms. Sobering, I rested my hand on his shoulder, delighting in the warmth. “Is it just my imagination or do you feel warmer now?”
A sleepy smile teased the corner of his lips and his eyes crinkled with a smile. “Yeah, I think so.”
We kissed then, slow and languid. The heat rose in my core as his plush lips danced with mine. I pulled back to soak in his face, brushing the still-damp hair from his brow. “You’re really cute, you know that?”
Kody’s cheeks reddened. “Yes, I do know that.”
I threw back my head and laughed. “I really liked what we did. Do you wanna do it again before we go?”
He made a face. “Duh. Just gimme like five minutes.”
And we both laughed.
“I wish we could stay here forever,” he said wistfully.
“Me too, but we can only stay here for the night.”
“Which means in the morning, all our problems will be back,” he said with a sigh.
“Yeah.” I flopped onto my back as the weariness of what lay ahead weighed me down, almost squashing the anticipation of doing it again.
I wanted to have faith that Slade had told us everything we needed to know, and we would be safe when the time came to face the shades looking for Kody. After all, our boss had an instrumental hand in making sure Kody came back to me. He wouldn’t do all that—and neither would God—just to let some undead spirits take Kody away from me. But what could the shades possibly want with Kody? In all my experience, they didn’t seem violent, so maybe their reason wasn’t all that sinister.
The wraiths on the other hand….
While part of the reason I’d wanted to be alone we’d already fulfilled, there were things Kody and I had yet to talk about. I couldn’t allow this opportunity to slip through my fingers by wasting all our time humping—not that it was really a waste.
“I brought Ed’s journal,” I told him, attempting to segue into a topic Kody always tried to avoid. “Wanna read the rest of it?”
I’d already read it cover to cover, and his observations about the shades definitely made me think. He’d spent a lot of time watching people become shades, and he’d managed to keep his fair share from that fate, as well. Maybe if Kody finished reading Ed’s journal, he wouldn’t be so afraid of them, or at least he’d talk to me about it.
Kody frowned. “Do we have to talk about that now?”
“What?” I said, pretending I hadn’t had an ulterior motive. “There was some sexy stuff about him and his boyfriend near the end. I thought you might wanna read it.”
He raised one eyebrow curiously. “Really? Now that I’ll read.”
I laughed. “No, there’s nothing like that in there.”
“Brat.”
My chuckle faded, and I rolled over and propped up on an elbow. “What do you suppose the shades want with you?”
After Paris we hadn’t talked about it. Judging by the way his body stiffened beside me, he still wanted to avoid the topic.
“I don’t know,” he admitted after a long pause. “But I don’t like it.” His eyes went wide with fear.
Immediately I took him into my arms. “I’m going to protect you. Slade is teaching me how. I won’t let anyone hurt you. I swear it.”
He let out a sigh and pulled his head back to smile. “You always know just what to say to make me feel better.”
I grinned. “I told you once that it was my job, and apparently it really is.”
His smile faded.
“What is it?” I asked, caressing his cheek, wanting him to open up to me. “You’re not thinking about the wraiths, are you? It’s something else. What?”
He shook his head and chuckled. “I never can hide anything from you, can I?”
I gave him an arrogant smirk. “Nope, so spill it, mister.”
“You can stop me from physically being hurt,” he said, and then he paused again.
My playfulness faded. “What are you getting at?”
“Max,” he began hesitantly, “I know you wanna think I’m better, and maybe physically I am, but in my head, I’m the same. The whole time you were gone this afternoon, I was wallowing. That’s why I didn’t wanna come here.”
Not exactly a surprise. “What were you wallowing about?”
“Everything!” he cried. “The wraiths, my mom, Britany, this supposed higher purpose I have. The shades. Why there are water stains on the ceiling in my bedroom.”
“There’s a water stain on your ceiling?”
“That’s not the point,” Kody said. “The point is I’m just as big of a neurotic freak as I ever was. The problems are just different now. I mean, a few months ago I would’ve been suicidal after what we did.”
“But you’re not, right?” I asked, afraid of where this conversation might be headed.
“No, not about that.”
“But?” I said, dragging out the word. “You are feeling suicidal about something?”
He studied me, his face weary. “I wouldn’t use that word, because I’m already dead, ya know?”
I didn’t appreciate the dark humor. “Tell me what’s wrong, please?”
“I want to, but….”
My heart skipped. “But what?”
“I’m glad that I’m a reaper and that I’m here with you, you have to believe me,” he insisted.
“I do,” I said, growing more concerned by the second. “Talk to me, tell me what’s wrong. You used to tell me everything.”
“I know,” he admitted. “I want to. But Max, sometimes it’s hard for me to let you see the truth. You want me to be happy, and I hate disappointing you. That’s why….”
“That’s why you talk to Slade,” I finished for him, scowling.
“Don’t be mad,” he begged. “I don’t want to talk about that again, that’s why I’m having a hard time talking to you now. I don’t want you to think I’m choosing Slade over you.”
I sighed. “I’m not mad at you, Kody. I’m mad at myself.”
How could I have put so much pressure on Kody, expecting him to be better? Wasn’t I the one who told him that even in death, problems didn’t go away? He’d suffered from depression and anxiety when he’d been human. I was still the exact same kid—maybe a little smarter—than I’d been when I died.
What made me think Kody had changed?
Just because I wanted him to?
I’d wanted him to be happy, fixed, so badly that I’d ignored that his hurt and anxieties were still a part of him. Maybe Kody wasn’t ready to get better. Maybe he needed more time. Hell, maybe he would never get better.
How was I supposed to know? I was just a kid.
Apparently my assistance was just another burden Kody didn’t need. I’d promised to support him, to be patient, yet he turned to Slade because I was expecting too much from him. I was no different than the brothers at Camp Purity or his mother, expecting him to be who I wanted instead of allowing him to just be Kody.
You’re such a fool, Max.
I fought tears. “I’m sorry, Kody.”
At once, he pulled me into his arms, squeezing me tight. “Shhh,” he cooed. “Don’t be upset. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. It’s okay! Forget I said anything.”
“No,” I argued. “It’s not okay. You did mean it, and you’re right. I’m doing the same things that everyone else does to you. I want you to be happy, and instead of just letting you be you, I’ve made this standard that I want you to meet, though I never even asked you what you wanted.”
“I know you didn’t mean it,” he cried, his face contorting a bit. “It’s just me. I’m a mess. I always have been! Sometimes I can’t even stand myself. I wish I wasn’t like this, but I can’t seem to help it.”
Sensing that I needed to be the strong one, the one to make sure he stopped putting this all upon himself—wasn’t I supposed to be his protector?—I placed my hand on his
chest. I felt my love for him, throbbing and hot beneath my hand. The tension in his body softened. Looking right at him, I said, “I’m sorry if I’ve been making life harder on you.”
“You’re not, it’s just….” His eyes cast down and he seemed to struggle for the words.
I put both hands on his chest, desperate for him to tell me. “What?”
“Just be patient with me, okay?”
I kissed him. “I swear it. I might screw up, but I’m gonna try. I don’t want you to think you can’t come to me with things. You don’t ever have to pretend for me. You wanna be sad, I’ll let you be sad, but not for too long. Just don’t shut me out, okay?”
Though tears clouded his eyes, his smile was real. “Okay.”
“Now, you gonna tell me what’s bothering you? Why you were wallowing?”
He heaved a sigh. “This is just getting to be too much.”
“What is?” I asked. “The stuff with the shades or your family?”
“All of it.”
“Well,” I began, thinking logically and damn if I didn’t ask myself: what would Slade do? “We can’t do anything about the shades. Hell, Slade got us all worked up about them, but it’s been two weeks and we haven’t seen a thing. Maybe we can put that topic on the back burner for tonight. But this thing with your mom and Britany, do you wanna talk about that?”
“You’re not gonna like what I have to say.”
I frowned. “You aren’t thinking of appearing to her, are you?”
That one eyebrow went up and he chewed his lower lip in a telltale fashion.
“No way!” I went to jump from the bed, but he grabbed my arm.
“Please, just hear me out,” he begged, eyes wide. “You told me I could tell you everything.”
Though it went against every fiber of my being, I pursed my lips and nodded. “Okay, I’ll hear you out.”
We’d just discussed how difficult it was for him to tell me things, so I’d better start fixing that gap now. Of course, that didn’t mean we were going to do anything about what he planned to tell me, but I could listen without shutting him down—right away.
Kody took a deep breath. “I’ve been worried about Britany. Like really worried. Every time we get an assignment from Slade, I’m terrified that I’m gonna see her name in it.”