After she had leafed through the photos of Jack with other women, a few celebrities but mostly women she didn’t know, it was like looking at the issue of People or a fashion magazine. The nightly forays Pam took into their past, talking with his memory and laughing over old jokes between them, or crying because the loneliness was palpable were over. John was authentic, down to earth and unpretentious and being with him slowly eradicated the few boogeymen Jack left behind.
Jack might finally be gone.
Chapter 27
Dreaming of gardens and small children, a ringing bell in the distance reached out to Pam and brought her closer to consciousness. She sat up in bed with a start and grabbed the phone and her glasses at the same time.
“Mom, I’m sorry I’m calling so early.” Pam fumbled with the clock to see it was just past six.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, frightened.
“Miranda is sick again. She had a high fever and had another convulsion, so we called the squad and I’m waiting in the ER. I thought you should know. Can you come? You or noni? I’m afraid this time, Mom. Something’s not right.”
“I’ll be there as soon as I get dressed,” she said before saying goodbye. “Poor little Miranda,” she kept repeating as she dressed. Turning back to her nightstand, she dialed Tom’s number.
“I am so sorry I’m calling so early.”
“Is it Miranda?” Tom asked.
“How’d you know?”
“You won’t believe this but I had a dream about her. Is she in the hospital again?” Pam gave him details and he said he’d get there as soon as possible.
Having a sick child put everything quickly into perspective for Pam. Worries about things past lost its power. Some of the people who hurt her were dead. She only had to think about Jack when Lisa or Bernice needed to talk about him, and that she allowed. But the fantasies she’d entertained in the near past, when they came to her again, she dusted her hands off and said be gone. Except for Miranda.
Arriving at the hospital, she found Lisa waiting for her in the ER lobby. Lisa rushed to her. “Mom, Mom I’m so worried. There’s something not right about her. I’ve seen it coming in the past month. She’s so skinny and she’s tired all the time. We had her to the doctor, but they said she’s fine.
“Okay, well she’s here now and they’ll find out what’s going on once and for all.” They looked up as a young Asian doctor approached them. Pam recognized her from the last admission. She looked grim and Lisa and Pam grabbed each other’s hands.
“Can I speak freely here?” she asked Lisa, looking at Pam.
“Yes, I’m sorry. This is my mother.”
“So you’re her grandmother?”
“No, not really, although she calls me grannie. I’m her mother’s sister, so technically I’m her aunt.” It made Pam nervous that the doctor didn’t seem to follow what she was being told.
“And you have legal custody of her,” she said to Lisa.
“Yes,” Lisa answered. “My grandmother gave me custody of my cousin after my aunt died.” They saw no reason at that juncture to bring Sandra’s name into the mix, although that would come later. The doctor nodded her head, thinking.
“I want to make sure who I’m talking to because of the nature of your niece’s condition.” Lisa didn’t correct her, anxiety level increased exponentially.
“What’s wrong with her?” Spit it out, goddamnit.
“She has AIDS.” Pam felt the floor move, grasping onto a chair to steady herself.
“How’s that possible?” Lisa asked, close to hysteria, looking at Pam. She knew her mother had AIDS. How did Miranda get it, too?
“There are three ways she could have contracted it. She was born with it and its replicating now, she received tainted blood, or she was sexually abused by someone with AIDS.” Lisa gasped in horror, ready to scream at the doctor when Pam grabbed her arm.
“Lisa, be quiet for a minute.” She directed her comments to the doctor, trying to block out Lisa’s gasps. “Miranda’s mother had AIDS. Her brain infection was AIDS-related, opportunistic. Miranda didn’t test positive for it at birth, so this is a shock.”
“Yes, well the new information is that children don’t always test positive right away. Has she been tested since?”
“Not to my knowledge,” Pam said. She’d ask Tom as soon as possible.
“If she’d been tested and found to be HIV positive and given the correct drugs, she wouldn’t be so sick.” They could see the doctor struggling not to judge them, their stupidity in not having follow-up blood work done on a child with a known AIDS exposure was next to criminal. Pam was fighting to stay calm, near tears, holding Lisa close to her.
“As you know, she was just here last June. Wasn’t blood work done at that time?” Pam asked.
“We don’t routinely test for AIDS unless we have a reason to. If I’d known her mother had it, I would have tested.”
“So what will happen now?” Pam asked, ignoring the doctor’s implication.
“We’re hydrating her, waiting for the internist to talk to a pediatric AIDS specialist at Mt. Sinai and we’ll start with the drugs he prescribes. Finding out what’s causing her current problems will take time. The seizure was from brain irritation with an unknown source.” Pam reeled; the vision of how horrible it was for Marie going through her mind. “She’d need a spinal tap and a CAT Scan and then we should have some answers. Lisa swooned at the term spinal tap.
“Will she have to be put to sleep for that?” she cried. “It sounds so painful.”
“They’ll put numbing medicine in the area, and since she’s unconscious, any stimulation will be good for her.” Pam wasn’t sure about that but didn’t say anything. The doctor was finishing up when Pam spotted Tom at the reception area.
“Tom!” she called, ignoring the doctor’s look. “Thank God you’re here.” She ran to him and they embraced. Tom came back to the doctor with her. He put his hand out to shake.
“Detective Adams, NYPD. You are?”
“Dr. Tang. Why is NYPD involved with this?” she asked, hostilely.
“I used to be her custodial parent,” he answered. The doctor backed down, trying to conceal her confusion.
“Tom, do you know if Miranda had any AIDS testing after her initial negative test?” He frowned, wondering why they’d ask.
“Her pediatrician didn’t feel it was necessary,” he answered. “At least that’s what I was told.” Tom sought Pam’s eyes, but she purposely looked the other way. Was he suggesting Sandra may have kept something from him?
“What’s the name of the doctor?” Dr. Tang asked. Tom told her and she left.
“What’s going on?” he asked, although he thought, sickeningly, that he knew. “Does she have HIV?” Lisa shook her head and started to weep.
“She’s got AIDS. How is it that you both had it, mother?” Pam finally looked over at Tom.
“Tom, you walked into my drama, yet again,” she said sadly.
“That’s okay. You two go hash it out; I’ll stay here for Miranda.” Pam was so grateful to him. She stood on her toes and kissed his cheek.
“Lisa, let’s walk outside so I can talk to you about it, okay?” Lisa was resisting.
“I’m worried about leaving her.” Tom held up his phone.
“I’ll call you if they have any news,” he promised. They left the building together and started walking around the dirty courtyard, smelling of cigarette ash and parched earth.
“Okay, I need some facts. How’d Marie get AIDS, too? I can’t believe how stupid I am that I didn’t suspect it right away.”
“There was no reason for you to,” Pam said. Deciding honesty was the best way to handle it, she just came out and said it. “Daddy and Marie were in love. He gave her AIDS as he did me.” Lisa looked incredulous, all the concerns she had as a child, being jealous of her aunt and the attention her father gave Marie had grounds after all.
“When did you find out?” Lisa examined her
mother’s face, wondering how she managed to keep such a serene expression at the worst times. It was almost insulting. Here, her life was tossed upside down and Pam was as calm as a Madonna.
“Lisa, I understand your need to know, but this is my personal business. What difference will it make? Would you have refused to take her if you knew there was a possibility that she had AIDS?”
“Yes, I may have!” Lisa yelled. “I have three other kids who she’s played with and bathed with and shared popsicles with. I had the right to know.”
“I am truly sorry,” Pam replied. “Miranda got a clean bill of health at birth and I had little to do with her until Sandra and Tom broke up last year. Evidently, Tom didn’t even know what was going on and he was her parent.”
“I wonder if Sandra knew all along,” Lisa said, sickened. “Knew it and kept it a secret for some revolting reason.” Pam saw the Pandora’s Box getting closer and closer to being opened. How much honesty did she owe Lisa? Making a split second decision again, she decided she was only offering information when Lisa asked it for by name. If it didn’t come up, Pam wasn’t talking.
“Why would she do such a thing?” Pam asked. Why?
Chapter 28
Lisa opened the door for the FED EX delivery. “Morning,” the man said, tipping an imaginary hat, handing over a large brown paper envelope. She closed the door, knowing what she would learn when she opened it up. The pain in her chest was real. Acceptance of what was, the truth would not kill her. It was the effort it would take to get from point A to point B. If the information within pointed to Dan betraying her, their marriage was over.
Everyone else was doing well. Miranda was living at the beach. It just made sense.
“I should have taken her at birth,” Pam said. “But I was raw from Daddy’s death. At the time, it was never an option. It’s yet another thing I will regret the rest of my life. ” Lisa hugged her mother.
“Thank you for coming through for everyone again, Mom. I love Miranda, but I have my hands full without a chronically ill child who’s contagious. I can be honest with you about this like I cannot be with anyone else. I will still see her every day, she can play with the kids anytime, and I’ll watch her when you and John go out, but the twenty-four/seven thing has to end. I just can’t do it.”
“Lisa, you don’t need to explain to me. I get it. I have complete peace about it, and the grandmothers are thrilled.” Lisa hadn’t told Pam about her failed marriage, the evidence she was gathering for a divorce, the tension and pain she was in because of it. Gladys was wonderful, staying through it all. As soon as Big Ed retired, they were moving in with her.
Everything worked out for Lisa and Cara, too. Cara was a perfect mother. She was still trying to nurse, but it was more for comfort for mother and baby. Every day at eight in the morning, she dropped little Dan Junior off. Lisa often tried to entice Cara to stay for coffee, but she would only do so if she arrived early enough that it wouldn’t make her late for work.
Lisa quit nursing Dan Junior shortly after he went to live with Cara. “I don’t want to ruin your chances of success with this,” she told Cara. But Cara begged her to keep doing so, until Lisa pointed out that Marcus was ready to be weaned. She’d have to pump all weekend unless they could get together and Lisa was ready to move on with the next phase of motherhood that didn’t involve her breasts.
“I want you to have a life, too. If you have to keep coming over here for feedings, you’ll never move forward.”
“I really don’t want to move forward if it means I can’t see you every day,” she replied sadly. They hugged, and Cara left the house for work. “See you at five-thirty.” Lisa stood in the doorway and waved Dan Junior’s hand while she drove off.
Dan was happy to have Dan Junior around the house, but he was outright hostile to Cara. Lisa assumed it was because he was already spread so thin, having to give her attention would detract from where he really wanted to be, wherever that was. She walked to the table and picked up the envelope. Allowing things to stay as they were one more day wouldn’t kill her. She walked down to the den and opened a desk drawer, sliding the envelope inside, for now.
Chapter 29
Out on the beautiful veranda, Pam and Miranda sat side by side on the couch, Pam’s arm securely around the little girl’s shoulders. The sun had already set behind the house, the horizon indigo as the sun’s reflection cast shadows on the ocean. For two weeks now, since being discharged from the hospital, Miranda was living with Pam. Pam didn’t need to think twice about taking her this time; she knew it was the right thing for her and John. John loved Miranda already and the three went everywhere together like a real family.
“I know you’re not my granny,” Miranda said out of nowhere. “Noni is really my granny.” Pam gently grasped her chin and turned her face, looking into the little girl’s eyes.
“How do you know? It’s true, but who told you?” The child rattled on, proud of knowledge they didn’t know she had.
“Aunt Lisa isn’t my mommy. Sandra wasn’t my mommy, either. Granny Virginia isn’t my real granny, but she’s so nice to me, she could be.” Pam chuckled.
“Yes, that’s true. But you’re only four years old. How’d you figure that out?”
“It’s a secret. I heard them talking about it.” The child smiled cunningly.
“Miranda, what is it?” Pam asked, troubled by Miranda’s understanding.
“At the hospital.” She took a deep breath. “I know my real mommy died.”
“Yes, that’s true,” Pam replied nervously. “But we never tried to hide it from you. We always told you about your mommy, didn’t we?”
“But she was my imaginary mommy. My real mommy made me sick.” Pam’s heart did a little flip-flop, not knowing what the child was driving at and not wanting to lead her. She waited.
“Tell me about the imaginary mommy?”
“My imaginary mommy couldn’t take care of me, so I lived with Aunt Sandra and Uncle Tom.”
“But you know your mommy died, didn’t you?”
“I pretended she didn’t.” Pam nodded her head, understanding.
“What did you hear at the hospital?”
“The doctors said I got sick from my real mommy.” Awful feelings replaced the flip-flops in her heart. She would speak to an attorney as soon as their conversation was over. There might be a lawsuit somewhere in this mess.
“Tell me what you heard, only if you’d like,” Pam said. Deep in thought, Miranda looked down at her lap, her hands folded together.
“Sandra and Granny Virginia whispered, too. I thought my mommy was in a car wreck.” Frowning, Pam wondered how she could have gotten that impression. Knowing she was avoiding Miranda’s comment about getting sick from my mommy, she focused on the fantasy.
“Did someone tell you mommy died in that way?”
“No, but I saw it on TV. A girl had to live with her uncle because her mommy died in a car wreck.” Nodding her head, she’d have to speak to Lisa about making sure to monitor TV watching.
“You are such a smart girl,” Pam said, squeezing her. “But that’s not how your mommy died. I can tell you about it if you don’t think it will make you too sad.” Miranda shook her head.
“I am sad. It won’t make me sadder.” Pam’s heart broke. She pulled her closer.
“Honey, why are you sad?” Miranda choked back tears. Pam could see how strong she was trying to be.
“I wish I had my mommy. I wish I knew where she was now.”
“Oh sweetheart, I know you do! She would be so proud of you. Before you were born, when you were still inside of her tummy, she planned everything she wanted to happen for you. She was sick, but she knew all about you. Noni will tell us more when we ask her.”
“When did she die?” Pam was unfamiliar with talking to children about death. But she surmised keeping it simple and truthful and non-gory would be appropriate.
“She died right after you were born.” Knowing that some day t
he child might blame herself for the death, Pam made a mental note that as soon as Miranda was old enough, they would have the removing life-support conversation. But not right now. Still angry that Miranda overheard doctors talking about Marie’s responsibility for her illness, Pam was taking all her leads from the child.
Miranda was pensive, and Pam waited for her to ask more questions. “So is my mommy in heaven?”
“You could say that,” Pam replied, gritting her teeth. Wishing John was present, she needed to allow Miranda her faith. The conversation she’d had with John would guide her.
“She’s with Uncle Brent and Megan’s daddy,” Miranda said.
“Did Granny Gladys tell you that?” Miranda nodded her head again.
“She said when people die they go to heaven to be with Jesus. She said Megan’s daddy was her little boy.” Not wanting to complicate matters, Pam decided it was time to steer the discussion to something pleasant before Miranda started to ask about her father.
“Okay, well I am going to tell you a story, okay? It’s about me and your mommy.” Miranda immediately brightened.
“Did you know I am your mommy’s big sister? Just like you are Megan’s big sister. And little Marcus and Daniel? You’re really their cousin, but you are their big sister, too.” Nodding her head vigorously yes, Pam felt she was on the right track. It was excruciating, but she wanted to give her niece a picture of her mother that would lead to the next phase of stories as she got older. She didn’t have to know the negative things about Marie, but she would someday know the basics.
“Noni sings me a song she used to sing to my mommy.”
“Oh, I bet I know which song it is, Tiny Bird! I used to sing it to Lisa when she was my little girl.” Pam and Miranda sang a duet softly.
“Little baby sweet and gentle,
Tiny bird flies close by,
Singing a song of love,
Soulmates Page 25