The Girl in the Corner
Page 17
Rae remembered with guilt the simmering shame she had felt at the mundaneness of the meals taken at the Formica-topped table under the clock, while her dad shared highlights of his day driving a BT van. Her lovely, reliable dad, who would rather go without than live off credit, the man who paid for everything in their peaceful, cosy home with its cement frogs and woodchip wallpaper.
Dolly stared at her. ‘It was more than just escape, though, Rae – right? We got close very quickly, you and me; we clicked, didn’t we?’
‘Yes, yes, we did and I know and you are my best friend.’ The admission was strained, reed thin; coasting out on an exhalation of emotion, a manifestation of her hurt at how Dolly had spoken to her. ‘And it was you who invited me in. And you couldn’t have possibly engineered how Howard and I felt about each other, of course not. I met him and I loved him – I love him, I do! I thought your family, the life you all led was chaotic, exhausting, but oh-so exciting! And I remember saying to my mum, just after we had got married and things had calmed down a bit, “They are noisy and busy and it’s draining.” And she said . . .’ Her tears came again as she recalled her lovely mum’s soft voice. ‘“Well, it’s the life you have chosen and it’s a lovely life, darling. Everyone’s family is strange compared to your own; and when you get used to it, it will be less exhausting.”’
Dolly stared at her with nothing to add, it seemed, though her expression suggested she was a little perplexed by her friend’s high emotion.
‘But I’m still exhausted, Dolly! I am still tired; and learning about Howard has made me realise just how much. It’s made me step off the conveyor belt and take a good hard look at my life. I have got lost – lost in the phone calls, demands, dramas, births, divorces, engagements, parties, birthdays, launches, restaurants, feast or famine, the ups and downs, highs and lows.’
‘But that’s every family!’
‘Possibly.’ Rae nodded. ‘Possibly. But what is not every family is how I was given my junior role in it. Good old Rae – she’ll run the cake up to Barnet; good old Rae – she can get the cleaner organised; Rae can take Mum in the car and the rest of us will jump in a cab; Rae will babysit – she won’t mind; Rae can make cupcakes for bloody Halloween or Easter or Christmas! And all the while we all bow to what Dolly wants! Better turn up or Dolly will get mad! Better let Dolly know if the plans change – you know what she’s like! God! No one wants to upset Dolly!’ She saw her friend bristle and raised her voice a little. ‘Jesus Christ, you picked my husband, you chose my wedding dress and Hannah comes and talks to you about me! Even for my anniversary, Howard gave me a necklace but of course you knew all about that – he told me you had a hand in it!’ Rae felt her breath stutter in her throat; her words had flowed and had even taken her a little by surprise.
Dolly stared at her. ‘Are you losing your mind? Are you actually mental right now? Can you hear yourself? You are having a go at me for coming with you to choose the wedding dress that my parents paid for and for helping my brother choose you a beautiful necklace for your anniversary?’
‘You are not getting it!’ Rae knew she wasn’t making herself understood and the lack of clarity frustrated her. ‘The way you idolise Howard, the way you still think he’s the blue-eyed boy. So funny! So handsome! And I can’t properly talk to you, my best friend, about what goes on because he’s your sodding brother! But you can’t keep defending him, Dolly! You can’t ask me to pretend nothing has happened, act like I don’t know – because I do know. Howard’s not ten any more! He doesn’t make me laugh by breaking a window like he did you, and I couldn’t give a shit that he caught you smoking and didn’t tell your nan.’ She paused and took a breath, glancing at her friend, who sat wide-eyed, her mouth slack. ‘He has made me feel less than a woman, Dolly, by choosing another over me. He has pushed me into the background. And Antonio has made me feel glorious! Yes, the Portuguese barman we have only known for a few days! And for the record I am not stupid or in denial; he’s a barman who flirts for tips, I know it! He has the chat, all the lines, but I tell you something: he has made me feel a bit happier. He has lifted the gloom – and of course the moment I leave this place there will be another Rae-Valentine with her specially named bloody cocktail sitting at the bar, but I don’t care! I don’t! And I could be here trying to clear my head for a week – two weeks, two months – and it would not be enough to wipe out what has happened to Howard and me. We have crumbled, we are unstuck, and I am . . .’ She let her head hang down to her chest. ‘I am sad, Dolly. I am so sad. Because I love him! I love him so much! And he was perfect in my eyes! The Latimer life was perfect. And you and I were perfect and he has spoiled it! He spoiled it all!’
Her friend jumped up from the table and raced around to where she sat, taking Rae in her arms. ‘Shhhh,’ she cooed, holding her gently, as Rae did nothing to calm her sobs. ‘It’s okay, Rae-Valentine. It’s all going to be okay, just breathe . . . I promise you it’s all going to be okay. I’ve got you.’
EIGHT
Rae slept well after eventually falling asleep in the early hours. She had forgotten how exhausting distress could be. When she woke with a slight headache and swollen eyes, Dolly was already up, dressed in her hot-pink linen trousers and tunic – which clashed gloriously with her red hair – and sitting on the terrace.
Rae took a deep breath and approached with a feeling of trepidation, alien to her when thinking of her friend.
‘Morning.’ Rae stretched and stood on the edge of the balcony, looking out over the garden to the beach beyond, letting the sun’s rays on her face help restore her wellbeing. Their heated words, fired like arrows, sat in her breast. She could feel the puncture wounds through everything she held dear. She waited to hear Dolly speak, knowing her words and manner would set the tone for the day. She didn’t have long to wait, and her relief was instant.
‘You have had a good old sleep, snoring and farting like a trooper.’
‘That, Dolly Latimer, is rich coming from you. Give me a mo to jump in the shower and we can go and get some breakfast.’
‘I’m not hungry.’
‘Are you sick?’ Rae asked, only half-joking.
‘No, just got no appetite.’
‘Oh my God – you are pregnant!’
‘Very funny. No, I just feel a bit . . .’ She shrugged.
‘Because of all the things I said?’ Rae sat on the lounger next to her friend.
‘Yes. But particularly one thing. Did you mean it: am I that pushy?’ It was a rare flash of self-consciousness from her extrovert friend.
Rae nodded. ‘You are, but neither I nor any one of us would change a single thing about you. You are the glue, Dolly. The energy. And, to steal your words, we love you, all of us.’ She reached out and took her friend’s hand into her own, knowing that, despite their frank exchange, they were still mates and needed the close contact to bring healing. In truth she hadn’t planned what she wanted to say; but now her words were out in the open, Rae hoped they would help them find a way forward on a more open footing. ‘I know some of what I said yesterday didn’t make sense – it doesn’t to me – but it was just the best way I could describe how completely overwhelmed I feel by everything. And how I don’t know which way to turn. I don’t want to forgive and forget if it means I am a pushover or that he might do it again. And I meant it: the only reason it hurts is because I love him.’ She bit her lip and looked out over the sea as this admission sank in. ‘I love him so much, I always have, and I am only just able to admit that now that my anger is fading a little. And I can see how being in the company of someone who flatters you makes you feel nice.’
‘You are talking about Spanish-octopus-cocktail guy.’
‘Yes.’ Rae smiled. ‘Not that it means anything and not that I would ever do anything, but it has made me think about where I am heading, and where Howard was at if he was tempted, susceptible – and why. Like I said, it’s confusing.’
‘I get it. I do. And only you and Howard can figure
it all out.’ Dolly paused. ‘I want you to know that you play so much more than a junior role in this family. You do.’
Rae wasn’t so sure, still smarting from the sharp reminder from her friend that the Latimers had paid for her life – and the underlying, unpleasant suggestion that she therefore owed them.
Dolly looked up at the clear blue sky. ‘You are magnificent; you always were. I saw you across the hall on that day at college and you weren’t like the rest of the sheep, rushing to shake a stranger’s hand; that wasn’t your way. You were cool and thinking of doing a runner, I could tell, and you were sweet and lovely, kind and generous, and so were your mum and dad when they welcomed me into their home, and I hoped that if I had a friend like you I might learn to be a bit like you.’
‘That’s funny. I wanted to be like you – you were so fearless!’
‘Not really. Just better at hiding the fear,’ Dolly admitted. ‘It’s true, Rae: you are the best person I know and you always have been. Everything I do, interfering old bag that I am, I do because I believe I am helping to make your life better. I love you so much, I guess I just want to be a part of everything.’
‘I know that and I am sorry, Dolly. I wouldn’t hurt you for the world.’ Rae spoke the truth but failed to mention that she would from now on, at some level, approach Dolly with a certain caution when it came to being open about her feelings. And this alien concept of censorship saddened her more than she could say.
‘I’m sorry too.’ Dolly squeezed her hand. ‘And in this new spirit of openness, there is something I need to tell you.’ She coughed to clear her throat. ‘I wasn’t sure whether to or not, but I think I should. I only found out myself yesterday evening and with so much going on it didn’t feel like the right time to mention it, so all I would say is don’t shout at me – don’t shoot the messenger! It’s partly the reason I am up so early . . .’
‘Okay, go on.’ Rae folded her arms across her pyjamas and readied herself to hear whatever it was her sister-in-law had to say.
‘The thing is, Rae—’
The doorbell of their apartment rang.
‘Hang on a sec. Stay right there.’ Rae jumped up and skipped across the tiled floor in her bare feet. She looked down and made sure her pyjama top was fastened before opening the door. Her hand flew over her mouth, partly to stifle a scream of surprise, and partly to stop any inappropriate response that threatened.
Her stomach sank. Into the apartment with suitcases in tow stepped Vinnie and Howard. Rae felt rooted to the spot. She turned to the balcony as Dolly walked in.
‘Vinnie and Howard are coming out to Antigua.’ Dolly finished her sentence before running towards her husband and throwing herself into his arms.
Rae closed the door of the apartment with a nervous stutter to her heart as Dolly and Vinnie, clearly so happy to be reunited, waltzed giggling down the corridor to the apartment Vinnie had taken. She watched her husband walk around the room, opening the cupboards and checking out the view from the terrace, as he did whenever they arrived at a holiday destination. She found his presence a little invasive and was reminded of the new awkwardness that existed between them. Her mood, she knew, was slightly deflated; this had, after all, been her chance to come away and clear her head and yet here he was. And while it was a hard thing to admit, the fact that he was here was the mental equivalent of a tiny stone in her shoe. Rae knew that if he started pressuring her here, too, it would make her feel railroaded yet again – the only difference being that he would be doing it in a warmer climate.
‘This is a surprise.’ She managed, trying to keep the negativity from her tone, flopping down on to the sofa in her nightwear.
‘You look well, Rae, even after just a few days; you have caught the sun. It suits you.’
She nodded.
‘I didn’t know whether to come or not. Vinnie suggested it when we dropped you guys off at the airport, kind of as a joke at first, wondering if there was a quicker flight we could get so we’d be here when you arrived. But then it got me thinking. If being away in a new place without the distraction of work and the kids is what it takes to get your head straight, then it must be a good place for the two of us to figure things out.’
Rae felt torn, wishing he were far away to give her the space she desperately needed, and yet reminded by the echo of Dolly’s words that he had paid for the trip and had every right . . .
Howard sat down hard at the other end of the sofa. ‘I’ve missed you. I mean, I was missing you before you left, but at least you were close, even if we weren’t really talking. The last few days, though, the house has felt empty and I have really missed you, and for me it just confirms that I need you by my side.’
She stared at him, unable to offer the words of reciprocation he sought.
He sat forward and held her gaze. ‘I wanted to say to you that I realise I don’t know what it feels like for you. And I understand that I will never fully get exactly what I put you through, and I regret that as much as what I did.’ He nodded, his mouth a thin set line. ‘I wish you could get inside my head and see how sorry I am. I wish you could see how it happened.’
‘I’d rather not,’ she huffed.
He held out his hands. ‘That’s not what I mean, not the detail. I mean if there’s any way I could show you how sorry I am . . .’ He let this hang. ‘What I really want to say is that I have made a couple of decisions.’ His foot jumped on the floor: one of the giveaway signs that he was nervous. ‘And I promise I am not going to push you or harass you towards making a choice about our future. I realise that kind of pressure is unfair. Especially when it was me who fucked up. And after everything I have put you through.’
She concentrated on his words, wanting to hear his grand plan and wondering if anything he might say could ever be enough to restore her faith, to patch up the holes – and even if it were, what about her relationship with Dolly, and what about her? Oh, that’s Rae, the chef . . .
She heard him swallow.
‘I have thought long and hard about things and I know that I have no right to expect anything from you – forgiveness or anything else. I hurt you. I get it. But I want you to know that I am going to keep trying to win you back. I’m going to keep trying to convince you that I love you and that I need you by my side to be happy. I can’t imagine my life without you, Rae – I don’t want to – and I will do anything, anything to get my girl back; my girl, who has been my friend and my love since we were no more than kids. My girl, who made coming home a pleasure on the darkest, rainiest London day. My girl, the mother of my kids, my bath buddy.’
She gave a small laugh. ‘Thank you for saying that, Howard.’ It was all she could give him, but his words had permeated her shell, dissolved some of the numbness. It was, she supposed, a start.
Dolly radiated happiness, and positively shone to be back in the presence of the man she loved. And it might have been Rae’s imagination, but she was certain that Vinnie was giving off a vibe she hadn’t sensed before, hinted at with odd sideways looks and a faster blink rate when addressing her. She was in no doubt that Dolly would have filled him in – not only on all that Rae had said and done, but also on the Antonio situation. It created a new layer of anxiety, lovely Vinnie judging her – the man she had known as long as she’d known Howard, and who was always kind, happy to live in Dolly’s shadow, propping her up, loving her unconditionally.
That evening, the four sat in the restaurant at Rae and Dolly’s regular table by the window, and the conversation flowed. The men were giddy with ‘first day of holiday’ excitement, which had by now settled a little for herself and Dolly. Rae enjoyed the chat and the jokes that flew between them all; it felt a lot like old times, and she knew that anyone looking in would not guess at the hurt and turmoil and anxiety that swirled in her gut.
When dinner was finished and the four were deciding where to go next, Nick and Nora Knowitall stopped by their table with no less than four desserts nestling in their greedy mitts.
‘Yes, we just met these two fellas earlier today, but I fancy my chances.’ Dolly winked, as if she was whispering, but her volume was at best loud. ‘I would introduce you, but I can’t for the life of me remember their names!’ She spoke from behind her hand, as if the rest of them weren’t present.
‘Oh! Well! Have a . . . have a lovely evening,’ Nick managed. Nora meanwhile had let her mouth shrink in disapproval until it was no more than a tight little O.
‘You are a terrible person!’ Rae laughed as the four made their way from the restaurant.
‘You want to try living with her!’ Vinnie chimed.
‘I really don’t. A few days in that little room with her snoring and I have had enough – and she took all the wardrobe space.’
‘Not my fault you only brought a bloody toothbrush and a thong!’ Dolly chuckled and linked her arm through Vinnie’s. ‘How about we go to Max’s and get a cocktail? We can sit and look at the beach; it’s beautiful.’
‘Sure.’
‘Sounds good,’ Howard agreed.
Rae felt her stomach flip over. She took in the smiles of reassurance Dolly offered to her brother and a small part of her wanted to shriek from the rooftops that just because they had managed to eat dinner as a foursome did not mean things were back to normal. She now knew that she wanted things to change, and she wanted to be heard. But, as ever, she didn’t want to be the one to smash the harmony that pervaded.
The prospect of waltzing into Max’s bar with her husband was not a comfortable one. She struggled to remember exactly how much she had told Antonio about her situation; the liberal consumption of wine and cocktails meant her recollection wasn’t pin-sharp. She felt instantly fearful that the barman might let something slip in front of Howard or say something wildly inappropriate in the way he had since she arrived. There was a vast difference between wildly inappropriate when she was alone, laughing and sipping cocktails, and wildly inappropriate in front of Howard. As they stepped up on to the dark teak flooring of Max’s and the men admired this new, sleek surrounding, she felt the shame of disingenuousness, her husband’s presence a reminder that she was not free to flirt and give in to flattery, no matter what her current situation.