by Charity B.
I don’t have to think about my answer, and I love that I can be honest with him. “I know I will.”
He nods toward the ceiling of the room. “Come on, let’s go.”
Basically carrying me up the ladder, he helps me out of the cellar and keeps a hold of my arm while we walk. I’ve been dying to ask, and we are almost back to the gathering. “Have you been bound yet?”
He chuckles and shakes his head. “No, Zaaron has been gracious to me in that regard.”
“What do you mean? Don’t you want children and wives?”
His sigh is heavy as the noise from the gathering becomes louder. “I’m not quite ready to have a family.”
I can understand that. I wasn’t ready twelve years ago, and the thought is still somewhat scary to me. “Does Zebadiah know you feel this way?”
He shrugs. “I haven’t exactly hidden it from him.”
I squeeze his arm to let him know we don’t need to speak any more of it.
“I just wish I knew Zaaron’s purpose for me. Why He brought me back.”
We walk around the front of the medical hall, and Benji’s feet slow as he leans down to whisper in my ear. “This is your first gathering since being an adult, isn’t it?”
He pulls back with an impish grin spreading across his cheeks. I smirk, raising an eyebrow. What’s that ornery look for?
“Yeah, so?”
“Because now, you can ask Him yourself.”
I IMMEDIATELY STOP WALKING TO stand in front of him. “What do you mean?”
“Just wait and see.” Benji smiles, but once he looks behind me, his grin falls into a hard line. “Fun’s over, freckles.”
Frowning at him for the nickname, I turn around to see Zebadiah marching over to us. And he doesn’t look happy.
When he’s close enough to speak, he glares at us both. “Where have you two been?”
What in the world is he so upset about?
“We just went on a walk, Prophet. Wanted to catch up after all this time.” I have to bite my tongue at the patronizing tone in which Benji responds.
Zebadiah’s false smile is doing nothing to cover up his anger. “You are free to go back to the gathering, Benji.”
I scoff before I can stop myself. His dismissal of Benji makes me want to punch him. As soon as I think it, shame clouds my soul. I should never think violent thoughts toward anyone, especially not my Prophet. The dark, new world really has tarnished me.
Benji places his hand on my shoulder. “I’m glad you’re back, Laur. We’ll talk more later.”
Walking behind Zebadiah, Benji turns and flips him off behind his back as he smirks at me. I quickly look away from them both, forcing out a cough so I don’t laugh.
“It doesn’t look good for you to disappear alone with a man who isn’t your husband.” Zebadiah’s harsh tone sobers me and turns my attention back on him.
“I’ve been alone with you quite a few times,” I snap.
He closes the gap between us, lowering his voice. “I am not just a man, I am your Prophet. Do not do that again. It’s not a request.”
My eyes are begging to roll around in my head, even if there is truth to his words. “It was only Benji. It doesn’t get much more platonic than that. How can you tell me to not spend time with a friend I haven’t seen in over a decade?”
His fists clench as his body stiffens. “Then do not make a damn spectacle of it.”
There is stress in his voice, and he just cursed so I’m obviously upsetting him. I don’t want that. He’s not just Zebadiah anymore. He’s the holiest man on the earth. I need to accept that and stop these thoughts of doubt and rebellion.
“I apologize, Prophet. I was not thinking.”
“No. You weren’t. Now hurry, there are those who wish to speak with you.” His shoulders relax. “Do you need help walking?”
“No, I’m feeling much better. Thank you.”
Turning around, he walks back toward the celebration. I follow behind him, and just as we reach the edge of the common ground, a woman rushes toward us. When the lights from the gathering glow on her face, my heart attempts to jump through my chest, tears instantly filling my eyes.
“Laurel Ann!” she calls to me, picking up her dress to run.
I fight through the pain to move my feet as fast as they will go. Our bodies crash together, and our arms wrap around each other in a tight embrace.
“Mama.” It comes out blubbery through my tears, and she squeezes me tighter. “I missed you terribly.”
She pulls back to hold my face. She looks much older than I remember. There are lines and creases that weren’t there before, and the gray in her hair glints in the lights. “You’re finally home.” She kisses my head. “And more beautiful than I ever dreamed.”
While we break from our embrace, she keeps her arm around me as we make our way toward the crowd. Zebadiah has already rejoined his brides, and I don’t see Benji. My eyes look ahead of me, finding Sister Mary and Sister Esther. There are many children around them, and none I recognize. Most of them didn’t exist when I left. I know my father is standing next to Sister Esther, but I refuse to meet his gaze.
“Laur!” My steps falter when I connect the voice to Dawn Garrett. She hands a baby to Sister Esther before running to me. Her arms tighten around me in such a fierce hug that I can’t prevent my laugh. Knowing she’s bound to my father unsettles me, so I shake my head, pushing the negative thoughts away. “I can’t believe it!”
She drags me over to the people who were once my family. I am genuinely grateful for her acceptance, and I feel guilty for zoning out when she rattles off the names of all of her children.
“They’re gorgeous, Sister Dawn.”
My father steps next to me, and I still won’t look at him, but I can see him in the corner of my eye.
“I am pleased Zaaron has had grace for your soul, Sister Laurel Ann.”
I honestly don’t know how he would prefer I address him. Brother Benjamin or Father? Definitely not Pa. Right now, I just want to keep the peace.
Turning to look him in the eye, I say, “Yes, sir.”
That seems to appease him as he nods and bends down to pick up one of his children who have yet to disappoint him.
Dawn hugs my arm. “Come on, let’s go get some food.”
I smile at my mother and family before I follow her, yet I am relieved to be away from them. Why? Haven’t I wanted this more than anything?
Dawn has barely left my side. She drags me around to see our old classmates, making it easy for me to succeed in avoiding Zeb and his wives. Most of the girls I used to sing and pick flowers with are now either with child or have already given birth, and all of them are bound. It makes me feel like an outcast—an old woman who will never know the joys of motherhood. Some of the boys I went to school with are also bound, but there are many who are not. I speak with my brothers and sisters, and I am surprised that both Faith and Hope are bound to Benji’s older brother, Jethro Johnson. They seem happy and have clearly remained close.
“Brothers and Sisters!” Zebadiah’s voice slices through the noise. Silence falls immediately, other than the occasional noise of a child. “The night has been full of fellowship and celebration. Zaaron is pleased. Let us take a brief intermission to put our children to bed before continuing with the evening’s events. May the holy fire of Zaaron cleanse you.”
“MAY THE HOLY FIRE OF ZAARON CLEANSE YOU, PROPHET.”
The crowd disperses, and Dawn gives me a quick hug. “Welcome home.”
After everything that’s happened the last few days, exhaustion returns with a vengeance. I use the time to myself to walk around the outside of the common ground behind the tabernacle and the schoolhouse.
Benji’s words jump around in my brain. What did he mean about talking to Zaaron? To my knowledge that was an ability reserved for the Prophet alone. As if thinking of him is a summons, Zebadiah steps out in front of me, appearing from the side of the schoolhouse.
&n
bsp; My heart leaps, and I tell myself it’s because he surprised me. Opening my mouth to speak forces out my anger, his lack of truth about his bindings boiling in my gut.
I scoff. “Shouldn’t you be with your brides?”
“They’re helping my sisters with their children.”
“What do you want, Zeb?”
“I want you to address me as Prophet! If someone hears you use my name then—”
“Then what? You clearly choose which laws you want to follow and enforce.”
He walks forward, compelling me to take a few steps back. “What are you talking about?”
I stick out a finger to count. “Being bound means you reproduce. The fact that you waited for my sister and wait on your little girl bride is a sin. They know their duty, and you not making them fulfill it is a plight against Zaaron.” My second finger rises, and he glares at it. “We are not bound, yet you put your hands and lips on my skin, you washed my feet. And finally, I believe Benji hasn’t been bound because you know he’s not ready, but Zaaron clearly doesn’t care about that because I wasn’t ready. If He wants you to bind him and you don’t that’s also a sin, but I just got here, so give me time, I’m sure I’ll find more.”
I march past him toward the tree line when he grabs my arm. “I’m doing the best I can, and I have to do what I think is right.” His voice is low and deep as his words come out jagged. “The line I walk every day is nearly translucent. The spiritual crown lays heavy upon my head, and you can’t comprehend what this is like for me…constantly being torn between righteousness and my own feelings.”
I jerk my arm from his hand. “It’s not about your feelings or what you think is right. It’s about Zaaron’s will.”
Once I speak the words, I know I should take my own advice. The last few days and this evening’s events have me wanting nothing more than to be alone. I brush past him, and he allows me to walk into the trees, even though I hear the twigs beneath his feet telling me he’s behind me. I pick up my pace, putting plenty of forest between us.
I don’t have a destination in mind. I look to the sky between the branches when an unnatural noise stops me in my tracks. What is that? I follow the sound, peering around a tree, and I am stunned to the point my feet freeze in their tracks.
My brother Samuel is leaning against the trunk of a tree with his eyes closed, his face flushed with pleasure. The man on his knees in front of him bobs his head quickly over Sam’s penis. Sam grips his hair, shoving himself deeper into the mouth he’s violating. I know I shouldn’t watch this, I don’t even think I want to, but I can’t stop.
When the man slides his lips off of Sam, I finally see his face, and my jaw drops.
“I will make you moan someday, Sammy.” Benji’s voice is seductive as he stands and presses their cocks together, stroking them. He kisses up Sam’s neck, leaning back to sign something.
Samuel grins. Yes, fuck me.
Benji grabs him by the shoulder, turning him around and wetting the head of his erection with saliva. His fingers massage Samuel’s anus before he presses his tip against the hole. His body jerks as he pushes himself into my brother. Sam of course doesn’t make a sound. His hands grope at the tree while he rocks against Benji.
“Fuck, Sammy, I’ve been thinking about this little hole all day.” He thrusts harder, a moan slipping out. Sam’s face twists, and his white semen spurts against the bark. Benji groans, “Oh, yeah, your ass is so damn tight…fuck, you’re gonna make me come again.” Benji pulls Sam’s head back by his hair, and I can’t believe I’m still standing here watching this. “Does my cock feel good?” Sam nods, and Benji pumps harder. “I’m going to be walking around hard for the rest of the night, thinking about my come in your ass.” He lets out a guttural sound with his quickened pace.
I hear the crunch of a stick, and I can sense Zeb standing behind me. “Laurel Ann—”
The moment he speaks, Benji’s eyes meet mine, widening. Samuel scrambles away from the tree, nearly tripping, while Benji fumbles with his trousers and bites out, “Shit!”
Zebadiah’s chest heaves as he storms past me, his shoulders tense. “What am I seeing here?!”
Samuel begins signing frantically, but it’s been a long time since I’ve signed. I’m having trouble following most of it.
Benji pulls up his suspenders and pleads on the verge of tears, “Please, Prophet, this cannot become known among the other followers. I beg of you to punish us in private.”
Zeb rips his hat from his head and stabs it toward him. “You promised, Benji.” My eyes stretch out as I stare at Zeb. Did he know about this? Benji’s mouth moves without speaking, and Zeb scoffs. “We will discuss this matter tomorrow.” His words slide out between clenched teeth. “Tonight is for rejoicing. I will not have it sullied with...this. Now go. I would prefer not speaking to either of you for the remainder of the evening.”
They both look at me when they pass, their faces covered in shame. I want more than anything to reach out and hug both of them. It’s true, before I left the Anointed Land, this kind of thing would have disgusted me. Sexual intercourse with no chance of reproduction is a sin, and I was always taught that a man with another man is blasphemous.
Maybe I should still feel that way, but I don’t. The longest I ever lived in a foster home was with two men. They were kind and loving to not only each other, but also to me. They forever altered my opinion on the matter.
“Laurel Ann, would you like to say grace?” The man named Curtis is smiling at me. I’ve only been here for a couple of hours, and he is already trying to get me to pray to their false God.
“I will not. Not today or ever. Your God sickens me.”
The other man that lives here, Jordan, snorts before covering his mouth. “You got some spunk in you, don’t you?”
Does he think this is funny? I clench my fists and glare at him. Holding his hand, Curtis looks at me. “My husband’s just teasing, and I didn’t mean to offend you. We apologize.”
“How is he your husband? You’re both men. You can’t create children together. What you are doing is an abomination.”
Jordan’s stupid grin is wiped away. “Okay. She’s not quite so cute anymore,” he says flatly.
Curtis’ kindness has slipped from his face, but instead of being replaced with anger, it’s covered in sorrow. “In this house, everyone’s beliefs and opinions are accepted as long as they stay deferential. You may pray to whatever God you like. Maybe you can teach us about Him. Regardless, you will treat us with respect in our home. You don’t have to agree with it or like it, but you will be civil. Do you understand?”
I nod my head at him. “Yes, sir.”
He is being kind even though I upset him, and this is by far the nicest home they’ve put me in. I’m the only kid here, and their house is clean. I can try to be cordial if they are going to be so to me.
“Okay, then. Why don’t you say the prayers for the evening?”
I am grateful for the freedom as I close my eyes and press my palms together. “Zaaron, my God. I ask you to help me stay away from all the sin and evil in this world. I’m scared I won’t be able to keep my soul untarnished. I want to stay Anointed and to go to the Paradise Star. It’s all I want. Please let me prove to you that I can be pure, and I can follow your laws. I humbly ask you to watch over my brothers and sisters, Mama, and Zeb, and Benji. Please don’t let them be too sad. May your holy fire cleanse me. Truth and purity, amen.”
I open my eyes and both Curtis and Jordan are staring at me, wide-eyed, before glancing at each other.
“Th-that was, uh, very nice, Laurel Ann. Thank you.” Curtis’ smile is once again present as he stands to serve us our food. Chicken, green beans, and little potatoes cover the cream colored, square plate. My mouth waters at the sight of real food. The things Philistines eat are disgusting. Everything comes in a box or a bag, and it doesn’t even look edible. This though, this is going to be delicious.
“I have to say,” Jordan speak
s, and I lift my gaze from my plate. “I’ve been trying to get Curtis to go organic for years. When your case worker told us about your aversion to processed foods, it was just the push I needed. I suppose I should thank you.” He pops a little potato in his mouth and smiles.
He’s a filthy sinner and a perverse Philistine, yet it’s proving very difficult for me to not return his grin. I cut off a piece of my chicken, and it’s so tasty I don’t care that I’m moaning against the fork.
Curtis mixes his food all up into one dish as he asks, “Can we make a deal?”
Is this a trick? I narrow my eyes at him. “What kind of deal?”
“We will try some things your way, if you try some things our way.”
I place my fork down and cross my arms as my curiosity takes a front row seat. “What do you mean?”
He brushes his hand over his short, black hair and down the back of his neck. “Well, if you agree to let us take you to an amusement park this weekend, next weekend we won’t use any electricity. No TVs, no cell phones, no computers.”
“What?!” Jordan asks with a mouth full of chicken.
Curtis ignores him, and raises an eyebrow at me. “So?” He holds his hand out across the table. “What do you say?”
I think that’s fair, and something called an amusement park may not be too bad. I take his hand and shake it.
“Deal.”
They were more in love than I’ve ever seen two people, and I struggle with believing that could be wrong.
Zebadiah spins to face me as if he’s about to say something, but I get to it first. “You knew? What did Benji promise you?”
Shaking his head, he ruffles his hair and groans. “I didn’t know what he was doing with Samuel, I just knew he had been with a man in the past, but he assured me he was finished with it.” He sighs, and while he’s made me less than pleased with him the last few days, the pain this is causing him is clear. I want nothing more than to comfort him. “How do I keep evil out of this place? Benji is my friend. Samuel is your and Mia’s brother, so of course I don’t want to cleanse them, but how am I supposed to ignore this?”