Discord and the Ponyville Players Dramarama

by G. M. Berrow

  “Thanks for the sides!” Discord shouted as he snagged the papers and waltzed inside to join the line backstage.

  He managed to remain unnoticed by the panel of pony judges seated in the audience as he pushed his way through the dusty-smelling red curtains. “Teehee!” he laughed to himself, thinking of the big reveal. Now that he had two surprises—his big move to Ponyville and his soon-to-be starring role in their little production—he was bubbling over with enthusiasm. The look on Twilight Sparkle’s face when she saw him onstage was going to be priceless! She might even pass out from shock.

  Discord wanted to get the show on the road, but unfortunately, there were about five ponies ahead of him waiting to go onstage. One of them was Cheerilee, the teacher from Ponyville School. The mauve Earth pony had her light pink mane crimped in a style that Discord hadn’t seen in a long while. Around her neck was a black-and-white-checkered scarf, and she wore a scrunched neon leg warmer on each back hoof.

  “Reliving your lost youth, are you dear?” Discord teased, popping up next to Cheerilee out of nowhere. He grinned and pointed to his own ancient costume. “Me too!” Discord giggled. “Get it? Because I’m thousands of years old?”

  Cheerilee shook her head with a patronizing frown, trotting off to wait in the wings and stretch. “Well, I thought it was funny,” Discord said, shrugging. A moment later, Cheerilee pranced out onto the stage. She introduced herself and began to belt out a rendition of the classic pop hit, “Fillies Just Wanna Have Fun.” Discord bopped up and down to the music for a few seconds before it hit him: He didn’t have a song prepared! How were the judges going to take him seriously if he didn’t even have music to showcase his incredible talents? And if he wasn’t cast in the show, how would he complete Celestia’s mission? And if he didn’t accomplish the mission, how would he get his beloved thing back?

  “What are you doing here, Discord?!” A pink pony with a curly fuchsia mane popped up next to him, interrupting his internal panic and causing him to jump a little.

  “Pinkie Pie! You startled me!” Discord replied. He crossed his arms over his velvet vest. “Very impressive.”

  “Thanks! Sometimes I get started startling ponies before I’ve even finished finishing.” Pinkie Pie giggled. “Oooh, is that a ruffle-puff collar you’re wearing? It’s the silliest piece of clothing I’ve ever seen!” Pinkie’s eyes grew wide as she tilted her head. “Can I borrow it?”

  “I don’t see why not. Or…” Discord snapped his claws, and suddenly Pinkie Pie was wearing a ruffled-collar so big that it covered most of her body. It looked like a giant pink and blue tutu.

  “Yippeee!!” She smiled and began to bounce up and down so that the fabric flapped.

  Discord sighed. “Happy now?”

  “I’m happy always.” The pink pony nodded. “But since you asked…you know what would make me even happier? Like super ecstatic-electricity, frosting-for-breakfast, swimming-in-summertime happy? Some of that yummilicious chocolate rain you make.” Pinkie licked her lips and danced around to Cheerilee’s song. When it ended a few seconds later, Discord turned back to Pinkie.

  “What were you saying?” Discord asked, scratching his goatee pensively. “I stopped listening. After a while, high-pitched pony chatter just sounds like buzzing to me.”

  “Or maybe you spaced out because you’re worried since you didn’t practice a song for the audition.” Pinkie Pie shrugged. “It is a super big problem, so I understand.”

  “You caught me. I know so many amazing songs,” Discord jutted out his bottom lip so that his snaggletooth poked out even farther. “But how to choose one with so little time?”

  “You could always sing that great song about the glass of water,” Pinkie suggested. She stroked her hoof against her chin in deep thought. “But you’d have to catch the Blue Flu again first.…”

  “That was a brilliant performance of mine. Even so—it’s been done. It’s been seen.” Discord shook his head. “I need something fresh!” He looked out to the stage. Little pieces of neon yellow, green, and pink paper confetti littered the expanse of the entire floor from the final note of Cheerilee’s number, and a bored stagehoof was sweeping it up. “I need something where I can set the scene like Cheerilee did. Something with pizzazz!”

  “Maybe something involving chocolate rain?” Pinkie Pie asked, leaning in closer to Discord to whisper. “Chocolate. Rain.”

  “That’s it, Pinkie Pie!” Discord chuckled. He looked up to the ceiling rafters with a new determination. “I’ll perform the one classic award-winning musical favorite that’s sure to impress and delight everypony in all of Ponyville…‘Singin’ in the Chocolate Rain’!”

  “That’s perfect!” shouted Pinkie Pie with a loud squeal. “I mean…good idea. Need any help?”

  Don’t Judge an Audition Before It’s Over

  “Wow! That was great!” Twilight whispered, turning to her fellow judges with a cheesy grin. “What did you all think about Cheerilee’s performance?” The Ponyville Players Audition Committee sat beside her watching the aspiring actors perform one by one for a part in The Singing Stallion from their seats in the audience. Toe Tapper and Rarity, two members of the Ponytones quartet, smiled in agreement. Senior Mint, a tall green Pegasus and lead member of the Ponyville Choir, hummed the tune of “Fillies Just Want to Have Fun” and gave Twilight a wink.

  “Fantastic. I’ll add her to the list of favorites for a lead role, then,” announced Twilight, satisfied.

  “Are we ready to move on to the next hopeful?” Fluttershy asked. Torch Song nodded as she finished writing in her score sheet. “Next pony, please!” Fluttershy tried to shout toward the stage, but it came out very softly. A moment passed, and nopony appeared.

  “Next pony, please!” Twilight Sparkle announced, a bit louder. But instead of another pony trotting out, both the stage and house lights went completely black. Then, all they could hear was the sound of raucous laughter. It grew louder and louder with each moment until finally, a searing spotlight beamed down to reveal the source. It was none other than Discord himself!

  “I’m he-ee-ere!” he announced with vibrato. “Though, the pony part is debatable.”

  The draconequus was now dressed in a blue suit, and wore a jaunty hat with his horns poking through the top. His purple dragon wing and blue Pegasus wing sprouted out of the back of his jacket, and in his left claw he held a large umbrella. Discord leaned on it as if it were a cane and smiled at the judges. Then, he floated into the air, popped the umbrella open, and leaned his face on his lion paw underneath it.

  “Discord! What are you doing here?” Twilight exclaimed, standing up on her hooves. “Can’t you see we’re in the middle of our Ponyville Players auditions right now?”

  “Why, of course I can, dear Princess,” Discord replied. “And that is precisely why I’m here—to audition for a role in the Spring Musical!” Discord floated back down to the ground with a playful smirk on his face. The purple pony was even more steamed than he’d anticipated. It was deliciously amusing.

  “Come on, Discord,” Twilight begged. “Stop messing around, okay?” She held up a scroll with a long list of names scribbled on it. “We have a lot of ponies to get through today, and we want to make sure they all get their chance to try out.” She motioned her hoof to the theater door and raised a brow. “This show is a really big deal for us here in Ponyville. The other princesses are going to be in attendance and—”

  “Really, Twilight…” Discord floated over to the judges’ table, nonchalant. “I thought you’d all be pleased as punch to have me here.” A bowl of fruit punch magically appeared on the table. Discord ladled some into a cup and slurped it up in one gulp. He ladled a few more and passed them to Senior Mint and Toe Tapper, who both took hesitant sips. “With my musical talents and incredible stage presence, you’d practically have to be fools not to cast me in your production.”

  Discord handed Twilight a cup of punch, but she pushed it away in annoyance. “Actually, the l
ast time you stood on a stage to perform, it was a trick,” said Twilight. “You were working for Tirek and stealing all the Unicorn magic in the auditorium to use it for your evil plot.” She raised a suspicious eyebrow. “How do we know you haven’t got some ulterior motive this time, too?” She turned to the others for support, but they were all sipping punch and looked mildly intrigued by the audition-crasher.

  “Those days are far behind me, I assure you.” Discord sat on the judges’ table like a lounge singer on a piano. “Plus, there’s no point in arguing about the issue. You simply have to let me audition.”

  “And why is that?” Rarity asked, attempting to show her support for Twilight Sparkle. While it was true that Discord had redeemed himself a number of times, the ponies knew that they should still be a little bit cautious around him. Even if his suit was all sorts of fabulous. Rarity tried to ignore the intricate stitching and matching pocket square.

  “Because, Rarity, darling, it’s in the rules.” Discord thrust the flyer into her face. “Right there, in teensy-weensy print at the bottom it says, ‘All residents of Ponyville who wish to audition are welcome.’”

  “So it does,” Rarity said, inspecting the fine print with her red cat-eye reading glasses. “But you don’t live in Ponyville.”

  “That’s why you sleep on my sofa when you need a nap after our Tuesday Teas,” Fluttershy said in her tiny voice. “I don’t mind, though,” she added just to make sure she didn’t hurt his feelings. “True friends always let each other nap.”

  “And as much as I’ll miss that tradition, Fluttershy, I’m happy to announce that I moved into Ponyville today!” Discord giggled with glee as the jaws of the ponies dropped in shock. “It’s true. Just ask Pinkie Pie.”

  “It’s true! He did!” Pinkie Pie bounced out onto the stage, still wearing her fluffy tutu. “Now, let him audition! I need that sweet, sweet rain.”

  Twilight Sparkle looked to her fellow judges. Nopony seemed to have a valid reason to refuse Discord an audition. Twilight rolled her eyes and plopped back down in her chair. “I guess I’m outnumbered. This performance had better be entertaining.”

  “Prepare to be razzled and dazzled and frazzled.…” Discord snapped his claw as he floated back to his place center stage. The hooflights came up as a storm of pink clouds formed above him. The music started low and grew louder. “Doodle doo doo doo, doodle doo doo doo doo,” sang Discord, sashaying back and forth across the stage with his umbrella in his claw and paw. Giant drops of liquid chocolate started to rain down on him. “I’m singin’ in the chocolate rain! Just siiiiiingin’ in the chocolate rain! An uproarious ceiling, I’m tappin’ agaa-aa-ain!” Discord did a shuffle-ball-change, and the sound of metal clacked on the wooden stage. “I’m cackling at clouds, so pink up abo-oo-ove.” A lamppost appeared onstage, and Discord jumped onto it. He leaned out, holding on with his lion’s paw. “The song’s in my heart, and I’m ready for gruuuub!” A sandwich appeared, and he took a bite as he danced.

  Pinkie Pie couldn’t help herself and joined him on the stage, dancing to the song and taking large gulps of chocolate rain with each bounce. After three more verses, Discord took off his hat and slid forward on his knees for the big finish. He belted out the last lyrics. “Just singin’ and prancin’ in the chocolate raa-aa-aain!”

  He looked out to the judges with a charming smirk, and the ponies couldn’t help but smile back. Even Twilight Sparkle cracked a grin. As they all cheered, he beamed with pride. “So, when does the casting notice go up?”

  “An audition does not guarantee a spot,” warned Twilight.

  “Oh, of course not.” Discord smiled and winked. He tried to act humble, even though he knew he had just scored the lead role. “Not everypony has what it takes, unfortunately.”

  Torch Song cleared her throat. “We’ll be visiting ponies around town tomorrow to let them know of our casting decisions.”

  Discord clapped. “Oh, goody.”

  “But, Discord?” Twilight furrowed her brow and looked him straight in the eye.

  “Yes, Princess?”

  “Don’t call on us; we’ll call on you, okay?”

  Role Call

  The next day seemed to creep by slower than the hundreds of years Discord had spent trapped in a stone statue in the Canterlot gardens. Waiting to hear of the Ponyville Players casting decisions was torturously boring. All day long, Discord floated back and forth across his kitchen. He tumbled up and down the stairs, did headstands on the ceiling, and even took a bubble bath.

  At one point, Martingale the real estate pony came by, looking nervous. He prattled on, mumbling something about the house not being for sale anymore. “Fella, I think we’ve had a misunderstandin’,” he tried to say. But instead of talking to the chap, Discord turned himself into a gigantic, scary spider and dropped down in the doorframe. Martingale screamed and went running off into town.

  Aside from that encounter, nothing amused Discord much, so he turned to more extreme measures. He uprooted the whole house, turning it upside down. The building drifted around in a circle, suspended in the air by magic. Discord watched from the windows as ponies would trot by, see the house, and then scatter immediately. It was good for one or two chuckles. By the late afternoon, however, Discord had become so stir-crazy that he decided he could take it no longer. Ponyville was just on the other side of his walls. Surely something interesting could happen out there.

  “Whom shall I tinker with today?” Discord said as he flung open the door and looked out to Ponyville below. “Mr. and Mrs. Cake? Nurse Redheart?”

  “Nopony!” a voice shouted, much to his surprise. Standing down on the ground, staring up at his abode, were none other than all seven of his best Ponyville friends: Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, and Spike. “Discord,” Twilight shouted up at the floating house. “Come down from there! We have to talk.”

  “Hey, I like what you’ve done with the place,” said Pinkie Pie. “Very jazzy.”

  “I’m afraid I must disagree with you,” Rarity said, wrinkling her nose. “That paint color is very ill-advised.”

  “Rarity, how kind! That’s just the look I was going for.” Discord smiled sincerely, motioning to the house. “But you haven’t even seen the best part yet—the interior design! I did it with guests in mind. Won’t you all come inside for a cup of tea?”

  Before the ponies and dragon could answer his invitation, Discord pointed his claw at them. They all rose up toward the front door, encased in a glowing, purple bubble of magic. Applejack rolled her eyes at the stunt. “Ya coulda just lowered the buildin’ back to the ground, where it belongs. Why’s everything gotta be such a big show with you?”

  “Because I was born for show business, Appleshack.” Discord clasped his claw and paw together, setting the ponies down in front of the rickety kitchen table and mismatched chairs. “Which is why, I presume, you’re all here to visit me? Go ahead, you can tell me that I got the lead role in the Ponyville Players musical. No need to sing and dance around the subject.”

  A dented copper kettle whistled on the stove.

  The ponies all exchanged an awkward look. “Oh, uhh…what makes you think you got the lead?” Rainbow Dash shifted in her chair. Her eyes darted around. “I mean—how do you know?”

  “When you know, you just know,” said Discord, raising his bushy eyebrows.

  He began to whistle a happy tune as he poured eight cups of steaming liquid all at once. Fluttershy smiled and took a sip of hers. “Mmmm, I love chamomile,” she cooed. Nopony else moved. Discord sat down.

  “So will I be portraying Captain Von Scrapp in Hinny of the Hills? Pone Valpone in Les Miser Stables? Oooh! What about Corny Cauliflower in Manespray? I do love that character. Such flair.”

  “No, we’re actually doing a production of the old small-town favorite, The Singing Stallion,” Twilight replied, her voice perky. “And you’re in the show! Isn’t that great news, Discord?”

 
“It’s not news, since I already knew I was the best,” replied Discord. “And though the role of Professor Hayloft Shill is not my favorite lead to play, I’ll make it work.”

  “You’re not playing the role of Hayloft,” said Rarity, making a sympathetic face. “Sorry, dear.”

  Discord’s face fell. “Then who is?”

  No Small Parts

  Discord had to rub his ears to make sure he wasn’t hearing things. “BIG MAC?!” he exclaimed, jaw to the floor. “But he only knows two words!”

  “Big Mac was just right for the part,” said Twilight with a shrug.

  “Is it because he’s a stallion? I can be a stallion!” Discord snapped his claw and transformed into a taupe Unicorn with a black mane and a tornado cutie mark. “See?” Discord snapped his claw and switched back to his normal draconequus body.

  “No, it’s not that,” said Fluttershy, stepping forward. “It’s…it’s…”

  “It’s what, dear Fluttershy?” Discord asked as he leaned down to the yellow Pegasus. He whipped around and began pacing back and forth across the room, counting his possible flaws on his claws. “Was I off-key? Did I not entertain? Were my chocolate raindrops not dazzling enough? Not chocolaty enough? Honestly, you ponies wouldn’t know pure talent if it splashed you in the muzzle!” Suddenly, a gigantic bucket of water appeared out of nowhere and drenched the ponies and Spike.

  “Hey! That wasn’t nice!” Pinkie Pie shrieked, her once poufy mane now slick and dripping against her face. “You mentioned chocolate and that was WATER!”

  “Discord,” Twilight interrupted in a gentle tone. “I want to be honest with you, because that’s what friends do.” Twilight looked to Applejack for reassurance. She nodded her brown cowpony hat, and Twilight continued. “You’re new to Ponyville, and that’s great! But your moving here has ruffled more than a few feathers. In fact, nopony wanted to let you be in our show at all.…”