Help! I'm Trapped in a Supermodel's Body

by Todd Strasser

  It felt really good until I realized I had another problem. I had no clothes to put on.

  28

  Lanny's fingers and toes were starting to get that pruney look when Angus finally knocked on the bathroom door.

  "Hey, Lanny, come on, let's book."

  "Just a minute," I called from the shower. "You've already had half an hour," he complained.

  I would have stayed for another half hour, but suddenly the shower stopped. I realized I must have used up all the water in the trailer's water tank.

  In Lanny's body I got out of the shower and started to towel off. It was time to face the next problem.

  "Angus?" I called through the bathroom door. "Yeah?"

  "Could you get me some clothes?"

  "Sure, what do you want?"

  "Jeans and a T-shirt."

  A moment later he knocked on the door. "Here you go."

  "Just leave them by the door," I called from inside.

  "Huh?" Angus said. "Open the door and I'll give them to you."

  "No."

  "What's with you?" Angus asked. I was starting to get the feeling that this was a question he asked a lot.

  "I'm feeling shy," I said through the door.

  "You?" Angus sounded surprised. "Since when?"

  "Please?" I asked.

  "Oh, okay."

  I heard the sound of Angus's footsteps heading away from the door. I quickly opened it. A white T-shirt and jeans were lying on the floor. I grabbed them and closed the door again.

  It was easy to get the T-shirt on, but I'd never seen a pair of jeans like those. They looked like they were about a foot too long, and they were so tight that even for a string bean like Lanny I thought I'd never get them on.

  Finally, by sucking in Lanny's stomach and holding her breath, I managed to zip up the jeans and close them.

  When I left the bathroom, Angus was sitting on the couch, watching satellite TV. He looked up at me and scowled. "You're going out like that?" "Why not?"

  "Your hair," he said.

  "I washed it."

  "Yeah, I can see that," said Angus. "But you never go out unless it's all blow-dried and brushed and perfect. And how come you're not wearing makeup?"

  "Don't feel like it."

  Angus frowned. You could see he was a big frowner. But he turned off the TV and got up. I followed him out of the trailer.

  "Whoa!" Parked outside in the dark was a red Ferrari Superrossa convertible.

  "What?" Angus asked.

  "Nice wheels."

  "You like it?" Angus asked, puzzled.

  "What's not to like?" I asked, running Lanny's fingers over the glossy paint.

  "Wow, I don't know what's gotten into you, Lanny," Angus said as he held the door open for me. "You used to hate this car. You said only insecure rich guys drove them."

  "You must be thinking of someone else." In Lanny's body I slid down into the car's soft tan leather seats.

  Angus got into the driver's seat. "So what do you feel like?"

  "Going really fast. High-speed cornering. Maybe popping a few wheelies."

  Angus scowled at me again. "I meant, in terms of food."

  "Oh, uh, how about pizza?"

  Angus kept scowling. I wanted to warn him that if he didn't change his expression soon he might get stuck that way permanently. "Since when do you like pizza?"

  "Since when do you ask so many questions?"

  Angus shrugged and started the Ferrari. Vaarrrooooommmmmm! The engine revved and settled down into a purr. The next thing I knew, we were racing through the night with the wind blowing through my, I mean, through Lanny's damp hair.

  29

  Now, girls, in case you're wondering what it's like to be a supermodel and drive around Jeffersonville at night in a convertible Ferrari with a famous rock star, here's your answer:

  No one noticed!

  Maybe everyone in Jeffersonville is brain dead. Or maybe people noticed and thought to themselves, Gee, that looks just like supermodel Lanny Shanks and rock star Angus Bangus in a Ferrari. Wait, this is Jeffersonville. So that's impossible.

  More likely, no one noticed because when Lanny sat in a car with wet, stringy hair and no makeup, she didn't look like Lanny.

  Anyway, we got to the Slice of Life pizzeria, which is the only place in Jeffersonville open after midnight. Angus parked the Ferrari out in front and looked in with yet another scowl.

  "You sure about this, Lanny?" he asked.

  "What's wrong?"

  "Looks kind of grubby in there."

  I wasn't sure what he was talking about. To me, the Slice of Life looked like your basic pizzeria. It had chairs and tables and a counter where you got your slices. There might have been a couple of flies buzzing around, and the tables were sometimes greasy, but what pizzeria didn't have that?

  Besides, in Lanny's body I was so hungry, I didn't care where we ate. The scent of freshly baked pizza wafted into Lanny's nose, and the next thing I knew, I was out of the Ferrari and inside.

  The Slice of Life didn't have waiters. You went up to the counter and ordered.

  "I'll have a pizza with sausage, pepperoni, and meatballs," I told the guy in the stained white T-shirt behind the counter.

  Angus frowned, then almost grinned. "You're joking, right?"

  "No."

  "What about the Pledge of Veg?" Angus asked. "The Pledge of Veg was just a hedge," I said in Lanny's body.

  "A hedge against what?"

  I shrugged Lanny's shoulders and turned to the counter guy. "Got any Zoom?"

  "Twenty-four-ounce bottles only," he said.

  "I'll take one."

  Angus looked horrified. "Isn't that the stuff

  with five times the caffeine and four times the sugar?"

  "Yes," I said in Lanny's body. "It's the best." Angus shook his head in disbelief. "What's gotten into you?"

  "Girls just want to have fun." I flashed him Lanny's brightest smile.

  Angus looked pale. He ordered a small veggie pie and bottled water. I blew some great saliva bubbles while we waited. Oddly, Lanny's saliva was perfect and bubble after bubble floated off her tongue.

  Angus watched silently. He hardly said a thing, while I, in Lanny's body, wolfed down my sausage, pepperoni, and meatball pie and finished off all twenty-four ounces of Zoom.

  It must have been two A.M. when we got back to the trailer. Angus parked the Ferrari and sat staring at me in Lanny's body.

  Suddenly I had a terrifying thought. Was he waiting for me to invite him in?

  30

  Nervous shivers ran up and down Lanny's arms. Angus didn't say a word. He just kept staring at me.

  "Is something wrong?" I asked in Lanny's body. "Do you have to ask?" Angus replied. "Of course something's wrong."

  I slid Lanny's hand down to the door handle in case I had to make a fast exit.

  "This is a message, isn't it?" Angus asked. "What do you mean?"

  "You're too smart to play dumb, Lanny," Angus said. "You know exactly what I mean. This is your way of telling me we're through. Going out without makeup. Blowing spit bubbles. Renouncing the Pledge of Veg." He paused and let out a deep, trembling sigh. "You've gone back to being a . . . carnivore."

  Angus could hardly get the word out without choking. It sounded familiar, but I couldn't quite place it at that moment. "Remind me what a carnivore is?"

  "An animal that eats meat."

  "Oh, right." Now I remembered. "And a herbivore eats plants. And an omnivore eats omnis."

  Angus scowled. "What is with you?"

  "Lighten up, Angus, it was a joke."

  "This just isn't like you," Angus said. "Tell me the truth, Lanny, have you met someone else?"

  31

  Looking back on it now, what I did next was probably a major mistake. But at the time it seemed to make a lot of sense. If I told Angus I'd met someone else, then he'd understand that I wasn't interested in him anymore and I wouldn't have to worry about him wanting to come i
nto the trailer.

  "Yes, Angus," I said, in Lanny's body. "I have."

  Angus's eyes glistened like a sad puppy dog's. "Who?"

  "You don't know him."

  His eyes narrowed. "Don't lie to me. I know everyone you know, Lanny."

  Uh-oh! "This is someone new."

  "Someone from around here?" Angus asked. It hadn't occurred to me, but why not? "Yes."

  Angus leaned toward me and looked right into Lanny's eyes. "Tell me who, Lanny. I promise I won't do nothing. But I just have to know."

  I had to make up someone fast. Who did I know who was old enough for Lanny? Who would it even make sense to name? The answer came in a flash.

  "He's a principal. At a nearby middle school."

  32

  Itwas sad. With his head hanging, Angus drove slowlyout of the mall parking lot. I sort of hoped he'd get all dramatic and pop a wheelie and leave a couple of hundred yards of rubber, but no such luck.

  I couldn't have gotten more than a few hours' sleep before there was a knock on the trailer door. Outside was Stephanie, the blond woman who'd taken the bag of groceries from me the day before. It turned out that she was Lanny's personal makeup artist. She was followed by Kelly, who did Lanny's hair, and Barb, who handled her wardrobe.

  For the next few hours I either sat or stood and let them work on Lanny's body, face, and hair. Then it was time for the shoot. Today the Middle of Nowhere shoot called for Lanny to model high heels, jeans, and an almost see-through blouse while standing in line with a bunch of local folks to see a movie. They purposely picked people who were kind of short so that in the high heels Lanny towered over them.

  In Lanny's body I think I faked it pretty well. The only real problem came when I had to walk in those high heels. Imagine using stilts while standing on your tiptoes. Finally I had a real brainstorm. When it was time to walk, I took the high heels off. When it was time to pose, I put them back on.

  The shoot lasted until around eleven in the morning. Then, from the things people said, I got the impression that it was time for Lanny to take her daily nap. It sounded good to me, so I headed back to the trailer.

  I'd just gotten inside when there was a knock on the trailer door. I assumed it was Stephanie, Kelly, or Barb but when I looked out the window, I saw Josh and Andy.

  I went to the door and opened it. "What are you guys doing here?"

  Neither Josh nor Andy said a word. They couldn't take their eyes off me in Lanny's body. "Is that really you, Jake?" Josh sounded awed. "Who else?"

  "You are such a babe!" Andy said.

  "Thanks. So what's up? Shouldn't you be at school? How'd you get past Officer Parsons?"

  Josh nodded his head off to the left. In Lanny's body, I leaned out of the trailer. Jessica was busy gabbing to the police officer.

  "We snuck out and Jessica brought us over," Andy explained. "You have a problem, Jake. You know how Lanny Shanks is in your body? Well, she's giving all the girls in school diet and fashion tips."

  "It's seriously embarrassing," said Josh. "People are starting to wonder about you, Jake," added Andy.

  "As your best friends, we feel it is our responsibility to save your reputation," said Josh.

  "I appreciate it, guys." In Lanny's body I left the trailer. "Let's go."

  33

  If walking in high heels isn't easy, neither is beinga model and getting into a small car. There may be a lot of six-foot-tall people in the world, but few of them have legs as long as Lanny's. In Lanny's body I sat in the front seat while Josh and Andy got in the back. Jessica got into the driver's seat, but instead of starting the car, she turned and stared at me in Lanny's body.

  "What?" I asked.

  "Sorry," Jessica said. "I just can't believe Lanny Shanks is sitting in our car."

  "Take a picture. I'll even pose."

  "Believe me," said my sister. "If I had a camera, I would take a picture."

  We started to drive. Lanny's knees were pressed painfully against the dashboard. I slid the seat back.

  "Hey!" Andy yelled. "You're crushing my legs!"

  "I can't help it," I said in Lanny's body. "It's either yours or mine."

  "So why should it be mine?" Andy asked. "Because Lanny's legs are famous and yours aren't," said Josh. "She needs hers."

  "What?" Andy huffed. "I don't need mine?" "Not as much as Lanny needs hers," Jessica said.

  We stopped at a light.

  "Uh, Jake?" Josh said from the back.

  "What?" I said in Lanny's body.

  "Look at the car next to us."

  I looked to my right. Two young women in the car next to us were both staring at me in Lanny Shanks's body. Their lips were moving and you could see that they were saying "Lanny Shanks?"

  In Lanny's body I smiled and waved. The light turned green and Jessica started to drive.

  "Guess what?" Josh said. "They're following us. And one of them is on a cell phone."

  A minute later a dark green SUV screeched around a corner and pulled up beside us. Two new women inside stared at me. They were both on cell phones.

  From then on, new cars arrived at practically every corner and followed us. Andy looked out the back window.

  "That makes six," said Josh.

  "The red sports car makes seven," Andy corrected him. He leaned back in his seat and put his hands behind his head. "Seven cars of babes following us. I'm starting to like this."

  "Reality check, Andy," said my sister. "They're not following you."

  By the time we got to Burp It Up Middle School, the line of cars had increased to more than a dozen. We drove through the gates and the whole line followed. Jessica parked in front of the main doors. Some kids hanging around in the lobby glanced outside, probably wondering why all the cars were there.

  "Wait a minute," said Josh in the backseat. "Am I the only one who thinks this is crazy?"

  "You mean, letting Lanny walk into school?" Jessica guessed.

  "You'll get mobbed," Josh said to me in Lanny's body.

  "Too late," said Andy.

  All those women from the cars that had followed us were getting out and running toward my sister's car.

  "Lock the doors!" Jessica cried.

  34

  The crowd of women surrounded our car and started banging on the windows and yelling Lanny's name.

  "This is seriously weird," Josh groaned.

  "They're going to break the car!" Jessica cried. "Hit the horn," I said in Lanny's body.

  Jessica pressed down on the horn. The women outside the car jumped back in surprise, but a second later they were once again beating on the car and screaming Lanny's name.

  "Any other brilliant ideas, Jake?" Josh asked with a smirk.

  "Hey, I don't see you coming up with any great ideas," I shot back.

  But now a new voice joined the fray. "Get back! Everyone back! This is school property! You are trespassing. Leave at once or I'll call the police!"

  It was Principal Blanco, fighting his way through the crowd. The threat of calling the police seemed to work. The women began to back

  away. Of course, Principal Blanco didn't realize why they'd all crowded around Jessica's car in the first place. All he knew was that the women weren't supposed to be on school property.

  Finally he got close enough to see into my sister's car.

  His eyes bulged.

  His jaw dropped.

  His lower lip quivered.

  "Lanny Shanks?" he gasped.

  35

  Ittook a while for Principal Blanco to get all the womento leave. Then he told Josh and Andy to go to class and Jessica to go over to the high school. That left him with me in Lanny's body.

  "I think you better come to my office, Miss Shanks." He led me to the office and held the door for me. I ducked past him. Principal Blanco closed the office door.

  "Please have a seat." Principal Blanco gestured to a chair. "Can I get you anything?"

  Lanny's throat felt a little dry. "Some water?"
>
  "Certainly." Principal Blanco left the office, then came back a moment later carrying a white Styrofoam cup.

  "Here," he said.

  "Oh, thank you."

  Principal Blanco went around to his side of the desk and sat down. For a second he just stared at me while I sipped the water.

  "Are you all right?" he asked.

  "Yes, I think so." In Lanny's body I took another sip of the water and felt the cool liquid run down Lanny's long throat. Principal Blanco kept gazing at me with a dreamy look in his eyes. Something about it started to make me feel nervous.

  "Lanny Shanks," he said.

  "Well, not exactly."

  A broad grin appeared on Principal Blanco's face. "Very funny. I didn't realize you had such a good sense of humor."

  "I wasn't making a joke," I said in Lanny's body.

  "Of course not." Principal Blanco smiled. "The one and only Lanny Shanks. Without a doubt the most beautiful woman in the world. The face on every magazine cover and in ads on a hundred different TV channels. Now sitting in my office pretending she's someone else. I understand completely."

  "You do?" I asked, surprised.

  Principal Blanco leaned forward. "Fame isn't all it's cracked up to be, is it? There's no privacy. No personal life. No chance to sit back and just breathe and feel. No time to stop and smell the flowers. You're tired of it, aren't you?"

  I nodded Lanny's head.

  Principal Blanco leaned even closer. "Lanny, I realize this may sound a bit abrupt, but I can give you something no one else can. It may sound crazy, but please hear me out. Several years ago I visited an island in the South Pacific. It's near Bora-Bora and it's the closest place to heaven I've ever seen. I've got some money in the bank. Enough for two one-way tickets to paradise. What do you say, Lanny? Run away with me. Come, be my love, and we will discover the world anew."

  "Aren't you married?" I asked in Lanny's body.

  Principal Blanco's jaw fell open with surprise and he sat back in his chair. "How did you know . . . uh, I mean, I'm flattered that you cared enough to find out."