Swimming Lessons

by Mary Alice Monroe

  “You don’t have feelings for him, do you?”

  “Of course I do. He’s the father of my child.”

  Toy’s loyalty, while an admirable trait, was also her blind spot. Cara wasn’t able to keep the annoyance she felt from creeping into her voice. “Wise up, Toy! The man used to slap you around.”

  Toy drew herself up in her chair. “Cara,” she replied, her voice sharp with anger. “I’ve been slapped around by men all of my life. Trust me. I won’t let anyone slap me again. Ever.”

  There was such power and conviction in that statement that Cara couldn’t respond without sounding patronizing. She leaned back in her chair and resolutely looked at the stars.

  There was an unspoken contest between the turtle ladies while they sat at nests, night after night, over who could first spy a falling star. With her head tilted back, Cara followed a satellite as the pulsing dot moved across the heavens.

  “You mad?” Toy’s voice sounded soft in the darkness.

  “No,” she replied honestly. “I’m just wondering if this is one of those times you want me to listen.”

  Toy laughed lightly and patted Cara’s arm, appreciating her effort.

  “I have to learn I can’t always make things better,” Cara said. “Like Flo said.”

  “But you make things better just by being here and listening. And Cara, I do listen to you and think through your advice.”

  “Yeah, well, take it for what it’s worth. You were right when you said I just don’t know your feelings and the life you’ve lived.” She turned and looked into Toy’s eyes. “You’re not the young kid in trouble any more. I not only hear you, Toy. I see you as the woman you’ve become. This is your decision.”

  “Thank you,” she said, deeply moved by the recognition. “I’m taking it day by day. I’m not naive,” she said in explanation. “I’ve been watching Darryl these past weeks. Every movement, every nuance. I’ve even goaded him, just to test him. I really believe he’s changed.” She paused. “He wants us to be a family.”

  Cara felt a panic bubble in her chest. “What are you telling me? Are you in love with him?” she asked quietly.

  “Oh, Cara, I don’t know what being in love is. We have a nice time together. Lovie adores him. When we’re together, it feels like we’re a family.”

  “But do you love him?”

  “Love is highly overrated.”

  “Answer my question. Do you love him?”

  “Cara, love isn’t the only basis for a marriage.”

  Cara jerked to a stop and sputtered, “What do you think the basis of marriage is, if not love?”

  Toy raised her hand and counted off her fingers. “Commitment, duty, respect, a shared life, children.”

  “Those are all ingredients of a successful marriage, I agree. But if you don’t first have that spark of true love, the passion, the knowing in your heart and body that he is your soul mate, then what are you building on? Without love, marriage is nothing more than a dreary chore.”

  “What about arranged marriages? They often work out.”

  “Darlin’, over two hundred years ago people spilled blood for the right to marry for love instead of an arranged marriage based on politics or financial advantages. Don’t take a step backward.”

  “Being married to Darryl wouldn’t be so different than what I have right now. We get along, we know each other, our good points and our bad. It would provide Lovie and me with security.”

  Cara tsked. “You don’t get married for security.” She paused as a new thought took root. “This wouldn’t be because you feel you have to leave the beach house?”

  “No,” Toy replied so quietly that Cara knew she was lying.

  “I told you that you do not have to leave.”

  “Cara, this is about so much more than that. A family life would be good for Lovie. She wants a daddy so badly.”

  “You can let him back into Lovie’s life but that doesn’t mean you have to let him back into yours. You shouldn’t get married for Lovie’s sake. This is something you do only for yourself, Toy.”

  “Isn’t that being selfish?”

  “You bet it is! Self-ish, in a good way. How can give you yourself to another man, be a strong half of a whole, when you don’t know who yourself is? You need to be selfish, now.”

  Neither spoke for a moment. Toy brought her fingertips to her cheek. Cara wanted to grab her shoulders and shake her. It was so clear to her that Toy needed to relinquish her past and all the guilt and insecurities she harbored once and for all. Her inner wounds were as yet unhealed, despite all her outward success. Cara seized the moment. She turned to Toy and took her hands and held them so they faced each other. When she spoke, it was heartfelt.

  “This trip to Costa Rica couldn’t have come at a better time. It’s something you should do—need to do—for you. This is not a vacation. It’s a chance to do something you love, without having to worry about everything and everyone else for a change. You need this time away—from Darryl, from the Aquarium, from the beach house, even from Lovie. Mama once told me that we women need solitude in our lives to refill our well and garner strength to face life’s deeper questions.”

  “Dear Miss Lovie. I wish she were here now.”

  “She is. Don’t you feel her? Toy, think of how far we’ve both come since Mama died. She’d be so proud of you. And I know what she’d tell you. Carpe Diem! Honey, let go of your fears. Go to Costa Rica! Experience life! It’s your turn.”

  Toy puffed her cheeks and blew out a stream of air. “It’s a big step for me.”

  Cara patted her belly and said, “It’s a big step for me.”

  They both chuckled. From the corner of her eye, she spotted a fiery path arc across the sky. Cara pointed excitedly. “A falling star! Quick, make a wish!”

  22

  Toy and Elizabeth stood in the basement of the Aquarium facing the six tanks with looks of utter amazement. Toy had never seen anything like it.

  All the sea turtles had uniformly turned in their tanks and were swimming in the same direction, their flippers stroking and their beaks bumping against the tank wall. They couldn’t see each other in the tanks, so there was no communication between them. It was as if some signal in their brain, some click in their magnetic source, triggered and told them it was time to head south.

  “They must be migrating,” Toy said in wonder.

  “Are they trying to head to warmer waters for the winter?” asked Elizabeth.

  “I don’t know. Look at them! They keep swimming up against the tank. They’re not going anywhere but they just keep pedaling away.”

  “Synchronized swimming in turtles,” Elizabeth joked.

  Toy clucked her tongue, worried. “They’re so restless. It makes me want to hurry and release them back to the sea before the water gets too cold.” Her glance moved toward the big tank. “Maybe even Big Girl.”

  “Hopefully we’ll get the okay from Dr. Tom by the time you get back from Costa Rica. Speaking of which, are you all packed?”

  “Just about. Thanks again for the new swimsuit, Elizabeth. It’s beautiful, but you shouldn’t have.”

  “It was nothing.”

  “I know! That’s the point! There’s nothing to it. I never saw such a teeny bikini!”

  “Just pack it. It’s what they wear in the tropics.”

  “I don’t know…”

  “Loosen up and live a little, girl! You’ll be old like me before you know it and then you’ll regret not having worn a bikini like that when your figure was sexy. You’ve got a cute little body under all that baggy khaki and cotton. What are you waiting for? Show it off! Look what happens when gravity takes its toll.” She puffed out air. “Just pack it. Trust me.”

  Toy chuckled. Maybe she’d toss the bikini in the suitcase after all. “I’ve so much to do to get off by tomorrow. If I’d known how much work getting ready for a trip was, I’d never have agreed to go.”

  “It’s all worth it once you get there
.”

  “Be sure to keep up the medical journals while I’m gone. I hardly know how I’ll end each day without them. They’re like a diary.”

  “If turtle meds are all you have to record in your diary, then girl, you better wear that bikini in Costa Rica.”

  “Could you please go fetch Jason and Dr. Tom?” Toy said with crooked grin. “They need to see this phenomenon.” She grabbed her camera and began clicking pictures. She wanted proof because she wasn’t sure anyone would believe her that the turtles were all voluntarily swimming in the same direction.

  She was dangling over Big Girl’s tank, trying to get a good angle for her shot when she heard footfalls approaching. Lowering her camera, she looked over her shoulder and was startled to see Ethan walking her way. He was the last person she expected to see that day. She slowly lifted to face him, regaining her balance, smoothing back her hair and wiping the splashed water from her face.

  Her emotions were already at boiling point this final day before her trip to Costa Rica but she managed to settle herself and offer him a tight smile and hello.

  “Looks like you’re about to fall in,” he said, trying to be amiable.

  “Just trying to get pictures of this. Amazing, isn’t it?”

  “What’s that?” he asked. His blue eyes looked puzzled.

  She lifted her arms to indicate the tanks. “The turtles! They’re all swimming in the same direction.”

  “Really?” He blinked and looked across the basement over the tanks.

  “Isn’t that why you’re here? Didn’t Elizabeth tell you?”

  “Elizabeth? No. I haven’t seen her.” His eyes watched the turtles and a small smile lifted his mouth. “I’ll be damned. What incredibly curious creatures they are. It’s got to be instinct. Migration. It’s the right time of the year. What else do you think could be the cause?”

  “That’s what I was thinking, too. I’ve called in Tom and Jason.”

  She hadn’t called for his opinion in months and she knew from his reaction that he was acknowledging the same fact. “Then what brings you here?”

  His hands tightened on the clipboard he was carrying and he blinked a few times, always a sign he was waging an inner struggle.

  “Is anything the matter?” she asked.

  “No. I just thought I’d come by and see you. Or rather, how you’re doing. With the plans for the new facility, that is.”

  “We’re busy, but handling it, thanks.”

  He nodded. “Yes, of course you are. Do you need help?” he volunteered. “With the design?”

  “No, but thanks.”

  He nodded again, though she could see he was surprised by her quick rejection.

  “You’ve released a turtle,” he said, looking around. He clearly was feeling uncomfortable, grasping for things to say.

  “Two, actually. Sharkbite and Kiawah. Cherry Point is scheduled to go after I get back from Costa Rica.”

  “Ah, yes. Costa Rica.” He seized on that. “When do you go?”

  “Tomorrow. The meeting is over the weekend and I’ll be back here on Tuesday.”

  “You’ll love it there. You’ll be looking for an arribada, I suppose?”

  “If I’m lucky. I’m really hoping to see a leatherback.”

  He looked skeptical. “It’s pretty early for those, I’m afraid. I wouldn’t get my hopes up.”

  “That seems to be a failing of mine, getting my hopes up.”

  He raised his brows and said, “A failing? I’d call that a quality. It’s one of the things I like best about you. Your unflinching optimism.”

  She wasn’t prepared for a compliment. It emboldened her. “I wasn’t aware that you liked anything about me.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Why do I say that?” she exclaimed, feeling herself boil over. “Ethan, you’ve been avoiding me for weeks.”

  “I thought I was doing what you’d asked,” he said in defense. “Staying away.”

  She shook her head, awash in hurt and frustration. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”

  “But it does,” he said quickly.

  She looked at him, startled by the confession. His dark eyes were filled with unspoken words. She longed to hear each one of them and looked at his lips, hoping to see them form. The air thickened between them. Her heart beat wildly against her chest and they drew closer, as if pulled by the same magnetic force that guided the turtles. His head angled, and eyes on her lips, he leaned toward her.

  From the other side of the room they heard the door slam and voices of several people as they entered the basement. “Hey, look at those crazy turtles!” called out a voice she recognized as Jason’s.

  Ethan and Toy took a clumsy step back. She felt herself blushing, confused at what just transpired. Looking up, she saw Jason and Tom following Elizabeth into the facility. Toy sneaked a glance at Ethan. He was standing straight, clutching his clipboard with a look of annoyance on his face.

  She plastered a smile on hers and greeted them.

  “I’ve got to go,” Ethan told the group as they drew near.

  “You’ve got a shark acting up, don’t you?” Jason asked, all business.

  Ethan nodded. “His habits have shifted some. I’m going in with him later this afternoon.”

  “Be careful in there,” Tom said.

  “I will.” He cast a troubled glance at Toy. “I have something for your trip to Costa Rica. Can I drop it by your office?”

  She answered quickly, flustered. “Of course. Any time.”

  “Good.” With a cursory nod, he turned and walked away.

  Toy walked to Big Girl’s tank and put her hand on the rim, steadying herself. To the others she looked like she was studying the turtle, when in her heart she was swimming with her, her long creamy flippers extended, nose against the obstacle, pushing beyond the pain to the other side.

  Toy worked diligently as the afternoon waned to finish the mountain of paperwork on her desk before leaving. Downstairs, Elizabeth was reviewing each turtle before closing up. Jason had agreed to cover for Toy while she was gone, but Elizabeth would be doing the day to day workload. Favel, too, was spending more and more time downstairs in the basement with the turtles. Toy wasn’t sure if that was because he was growing increasingly fascinated with the loggerheads or the lovely Elizabeth.

  Smiling at the possible love affair blooming downstairs, she filed her manila folder and closed the drawer. She heard a soft clearing of the throat and turned abruptly to see Ethan standing at the entrance to her cubicle. She brought her hand to her throat.

  “I didn’t mean to startle you. Is this a bad time?” he asked.

  “No! Come on in. I’m just trying to work my way through the paperwork before I leave.”

  Ethan’s gaze swept the cubicle which was smaller than his own. He pointed to a recent watercolor of Lovie’s depicting Kiawah’s release to the ocean. “That’s nice,” he said and a small smile eased the tension in his face. “I love the way kids draw. It’s so primitive yet the details are amazing. Look at those scutes.”

  “She’s a born naturalist.”

  “How is Lovie doing?”

  “She’s fine.” She skipped a beat. “She misses you.”

  There was a moment’s tug of silence. “I miss her, too.”

  Toy felt rocked by the words but could only continue to stare at the square of paper and paint stuck on the wall with a push pin. She sensed his nearness in the small space and she found it hard to keep her breathing even. When she thought she couldn’t pretend to look at the little drawing any longer he spoke.

  “I brought you some things I thought you’d need in Costa Rica.”

  She turned too quickly, almost bumping him. “Oh?”

  He handed her some maps and a book. She accepted them, thanking him, and immediately dropped her gaze to the guide book. The pages were well worn and heavily notated with his thin scrawl. He’d marked which restaurants were good, which hotels to avoid, where the surf was
best.

  “All your personal notes are in here. Are you sure you want to lend it to me? I’d hate to lose it.”

  “I lived there for six years. I don’t need a guide book. Besides, parts of the country are changing so fast, my notes are probably outdated. But you might find some things helpful.” He pointed to the book. “There’s an envelope in it, in the back.”

  Toy searched the book and found the envelope. Inside she found several bills of Costa Rican money.

  “There’s thousands here,” she said, counting the amounts printed on each.

  “Oh, it’s not much. Maybe enough for lunch. Oh, and here.”

  He dug down into his pants pocket and she heard the jingle of coins as he pulled them out. Ethan opened his palm, extending his long fingers. He picked out a small black shell from the coins and put it back into his pocket, but not before Toy recognized it as the moon shell that Little Lovie had given to him on the beach.

  Ethan handed her the coins. “Here’s some change. It always comes in handy.”

  “Thank you. I appreciate it.” Her mind scrambled for words. “Can I bring you back something?”

  He was looking at her intently and she had the feeling he was debating whether or what to reply. She felt herself coloring, wishing she could just blurt out what was lodged in her throat—that she would bring her heart back to him, her mind, her body, her soul, if only he’d give her some small sign that he wanted them.

  He shook his head and muttered, “No, thanks. I just wanted to give you that. Have a good time.”

  Well, that was it, Toy thought with a sigh as she closed her desk drawer. Her work was done and she was ready to head home. Her fingers drummed the cleared desk anxiously. She so rarely took time off that a whole week away seemed like forever.

  She knew it wasn’t just her leaving that was making her feel queasy in the stomach. She’d been plagued ever since Ethan had stopped by. She couldn’t stop thinking about him. He lurked in the back of her mind and her emotions were going round and round, endlessly, like Big Girl in her tank. Was she imagining it or did she feel the tug of magnetism between them? Did they really almost kiss? And that was Little Lovie’s shell he kept in his pocket, she knew it. That had to mean something, didn’t it?