by Leta Blake
All of the joy, all of the bliss, would crumble into a pile of sick dread around his feet. He’d take Neil’s hand and stare at him, devastated as he tried to process the joy, the hope for what he wanted with Neil, and line it up against what he had with Lee: the peace and happiness they had together, the love they shared, the life they’d built. He’d feel a cold, sweaty panic well inside of him because he couldn’t give it up. He couldn’t give either of them up.
And then Neil would put his hand on Joshua’s cheek and say very seriously, “It’s just a dream, Joshua. Wake up.”
Wake up.
Joshua hated those dreams. He’d spend the next day feeling grief-stricken like he’d lost Neil all over again, and feeling guilty, too, like he’d betrayed Lee’s trust. He’d been unable to choose. He’d wanted it all. And he’d betrayed Neil for wanting Lee, and he’d betrayed Lee for wanting Neil, and most of all, he was angry that his subconscious would do that to him. Torturing himself was something he didn’t do anymore. It was a bad habit that he’d made himself outgrow. Because it hadn’t made him not gay. Because Neil wouldn’t have wanted it. Because Lee was a good man, and they had a happy life together. The list could go on.
It was morning, though, and the dream had come and gone.
Joshua took deep breaths, trying to cast aside the feelings left behind like debris in its wake. The sun streamed through their bedroom window, and it was a beautiful fall morning. The wind chime on the front porch rang like aural glitter, and he swallowed hard, determined to focus on all that was beautiful and alive.
He listened to Lee’s gentle breathing beside him, and when he turned onto his side, he found his younger brother Sam asleep on a bed they’d thrown together on the floor for him. Sam had wanted to spend the night in order to get away from their parents’ fighting, so Joshua and Lee had let him.
Thinking of his parents, Joshua groaned and rolled onto his back, throwing his arm over his eyes like he could block it out of his mind. But he found the drama rolling there like a movie. His dad had slept with another woman, a new teacher in town named Marissa Laurie. Joshua had only met her once at the restaurant at Barren River Lake resort when he’d been having dinner there with his attorney discussing some Stouder Lumber issues. Ms. Laurie was there having an after-school-hours drink with his dad, and Joshua had known, immediately known, what was really going on.
He’d pulled his father aside and said, “Listen, Dad, if you don’t care what this would do to Mom, at least think of Sam.”
His dad had denied that anything inappropriate was happening, and Joshua had gone home with his stomach in knots, helpless and afraid. Because, really, what was he going to do? Demand that his father own up to something that might not have happened?
But it had happened, of course. And now his mom and little brother were hurting.
Joshua sat up, and Lee shifted. His arm flopped over to Joshua’s pillow, the scars almost entirely erased now; just a slight discoloration remained. Joshua put his feet on the floor and carefully stepped over Sam. He smiled down at his brother’s sprawled form—fifteen years old and gangly.
Joshua headed to the bathroom to take a piss. He could still feel the heat of Neil’s hand on his cheek from the dream, and he fought the urge to bring his own hand up to wipe the sensation away. As much as he always hated the dream and the loss he felt every time, he longed for it, too. To feel that touch again, to see Neil’s face. It was worth the pain.
Lee was still asleep when Joshua was ready to leave for work, but Joshua returned to the bedroom to kiss his temple and push his wavy dark hair away from his forehead. He stood by the bed and watched him sleep for a long moment. Joshua smiled and whispered, “I love you.”
Then he stepped over his younger brother again and got on with his day.
Joshua had an early meeting with another member of the Neil Russell Foundation board to review some standouts in a recent spate of nanite-technology-related grant requests from some rather young scientists. Each of them would need in-depth investigation to prove that they had something to offer the world at large and weren’t just another group of college kids with big egos.
Morning had never been Joshua’s time, and he stopped off by Earl G. Dumplin’s to pick up coffee. There was quite a breakfast rush, so while Joshua waited, he let himself remember the dream. He took a deep breath and let the rush of joy when he saw Neil sweep over him again, and he tried not to feel guilty about it.
Eventually, though, the guilt crept in and ruined it again. So, he turned his attention to the ways Earl G. Dumplin’s had changed in recent years. They now took touch-free payments direct from phones, and servers could take a payment at the table with just a tap of an app. It was silly to resent change, but he missed the old ka-ching register and the feel of dollar bills in his fingers. Just like everywhere, as time marched on, the place just didn’t feel the same.
Joshua remembered when the local hospital had approved refitting their entire system a few years back. He’d always hated the hospital bracelet that had marked Lee as a patient when he’d been checked in for various nanite skin treatments over the years. Now bedside fingerprints and retinal scans had taken their place.
The last time Joshua himself had been in the hospital, he’d been in for tests determining whether or not he’d be a good candidate for a new, experimental nanite technology. The doctors had promised that the advanced cellular-repair capabilities could extend his life exponentially, and as it turned out, he’d been accepted into the trial. A few weeks later, nanites had been fed into his bloodstream during another overnight stay, and the microscopic robots had set to work on repairing wear and tear, bolstering his immune system, and even eking some additional functionality out of his already healthy pair of lungs. For several months afterward, he’d felt superhuman.
Joshua thought Neil would be pleased at the advancements his work had made. After recovering from the worst of his grief, Joshua had always taken good care of himself—for Lee’s sake, and his own, but also because he knew that Neil would have wanted him to live a long life. The nanite technology basically ensured that when death finally came his way, hopefully many years from now, it wouldn’t, at least, be due to his failure to take every opportunity to stay healthy.
Though Joshua was grateful to live a longer, healthier life than he’d ever imagined, he didn’t feel entirely comfortable with some of the new changes at the hospital itself.
“Why?” Lee had asked when Joshua mentioned it, looking up from the novel he was reading on his tablet.
Joshua had shrugged, rubbing a hand over his wrist loosely, remembering the plastic bracelet he’d worn in the hospital before. “I don’t know. It’s just when I was a kid and was in the hospital for my appendix, wearing a bracelet made me feel safe, I guess. Like they were going to take care of me.”
“You’re such a sub, babe. It kills me.” Lee’s lips had twisted in amusement, and he’d winked at him. “Don’t worry. When we get upstairs tonight, I’ll make you feel safe. That should make up for it.”
Joshua had rolled his eyes. Trusting Lee did make him feel safe, but that wasn’t the point. He’d sighed, amused but also feeling like Lee hadn’t taken him seriously.
“What? You don’t think I can make you feel safe? You don’t know that I’ll always take care of you?” Lee had put aside the tablet and flashed a heated glance Joshua’s way.
Joshua had grinned. “Oh, you always do,” he’d whispered. “It’s one reason why I love you.”
“I’m glad there’s more than one,” Lee had said, laughing softly.
In general, Joshua didn’t have a problem with technological advances that led to medical miracles, and nanites were definitely among those. He did have his doubts, though, about the wisdom of some of what the scientists were doing. It seemed to be verging on a world too removed from the ‘home’ of his youth for his liking. And, if there was anything Joshua needed to stay the same, it was Scottsville. People came and went. Romances started and
died. Children were born and grew up. Everything was always in flux, true. But the thing that kept Joshua sane was knowing every nook and cranny of his little corner of the earth.
Scottsville.
The town he’d run to when he’d lost it all. The town that brought him Lee, and love, and a way to live again.
But Scottsville was changing. And it was disconcerting, to say the least.
Still, today he soldiered on cheerfully, getting his coffee at Earl G. Dumplin’s, nodding at fellow locals and grinning when he ran into Chris in the parking lot outside. He hadn’t seen his old friend in awhile, but he was happy to see him now. Chris held his and Dale’s youngest, a baby they were fostering from a neighboring county.
“Hey, Chris. Hey, Beth,” Joshua said, kissing the baby’s cheek. He ran his hand over her downy head.
“I’m going to be late,” Chris said, shoving his long hair behind his ear, distracted. “Gotta get her to day care and then dash to Barren River to work.”
“Sure,” Joshua said. “I’ll just let you go.”
“Okay, but…” Chris grabbed his arm and smiled softly. His teeth glinted in the morning sun. “You okay? You’ve got that vibe like the world’s gonna tumble down if you don’t hold it up with your own two shoulders.”
Joshua smiled. “I’m fine. Had a weird dream.”
“Oh.” Chris tilted his head, an uncanny perception in his dark brown eyes. He pushed another tendril of hair behind his ear. Beth chewed on her fist. “Well, if you need to talk, you know where to find me.”
“I do.”
It still amazed Joshua that Chris had made his home in Scottsville of all places. He’d never quite understood how it was possible that the man he’d met in Neil’s apartment, the former drag queen, had come to be the stepfather to farm boys and foster kids. But he had, and he loved it. Not to mention, he’d found a good job at the state park’s hotel and settled into being the town’s most obvious queer with a kind of grace Joshua envied.
“How’s Dale?” he asked before Chris could get away from him. “I know you’ve both been dealing with a lot since his accident.” Dale’s leg had gotten crushed by his tractor the summer before, and the damage done had been extensive. While he’d healed, he still had nerve pain that caused him a lot of trouble.
Joshua had been instrumental in making sure that Dale got signed up for an upcoming medical trial of newly developed, experimental nerve-repairing nanites. It still amazed Joshua how nanite technology had progressed from skin repair, like Lee had received, to the mending of internal organs and vascular trauma.
He sometimes thought about Neil’s extensive injuries after the accident, and it blew his mind to think that had nanite technology been developed to the extent it was now, maybe Neil’s own work could have saved him. At least nanites had saved thousands of other people lucky enough to reap the benefits of the technology Neil had devoted his life to. Well, if they had enough money to access the treatment anyway. The inequity in the availability of the nanite medical treatments was something Joshua was working to correct with quite a few grants. Including the one funding the trial Dale would be taking part in.
The trial was to be held out of Emory in Atlanta, Georgia. Apparently, developing nanites for nerve trauma had an exceptionally high degree of difficulty. Joshua remembered Neil going on about the whys of it back in the day, but he’d tuned out the particulars, mainly taken with the shapes Neil’s mouth made when he talked. But an idea dreamed up by some young kid—a genius, apparently, who’d submitted plans to the researchers at Emory—had made neurological nanite medicine more feasible. Despite the age of the kid—only fifteen—the theory was sound, and Emory was working out the kinks to get a trial up and running. After some string-pulling and a nice donation, Dale was number one on the list of candidates.
“Dale’s looking forward to the treatments,” Chris said. “We both are.”
Joshua knew Dale was a trooper and rarely complained, but he also knew from the look on Chris’s face that he was still in too much pain.
They talked about that for a moment, and Joshua reassured Chris that the trial would start soon.
“The older boys are big enough to take care of themselves, but sometimes…” Chris trailed off and looked meaningfully at Beth.
“Why don’t we babysit tonight? Give you and Dale a chance to get some rest?”
Chris smiled. “Would you mind?”
“We’d love it.”
Chris kissed his cheek. “Thank you. I’ll drop her by at six. Love you, Josh. You’re still a good egg.” Then Chris was gone, his long hair blowing out behind him and his skinny ass swishing back and forth like a broom. Beth waved goodbye over Chris’s shoulder, and Joshua blew her a kiss.
Sometimes he was sad that he and Lee had never made a family together. They’d talked about adopting early on, but Lee had been resistant to the idea. After a small argument, the truth had come out. Lee admitted that he felt too guilty to have a child of his own when he still blamed himself for his sister losing hers. No matter how irrational the guilt was, it lingered, and Lee couldn’t escape it.
Joshua understood that. He still felt guilty that he hadn’t been there that morning when Magic jerked free of her leash and darted into the road. Hadn’t been there to stop Neil from following her…
As he headed toward his car, he called Lee to let him know about the change in their plans and his agreement to look after Beth that night. Even though Lee didn’t want kids of his own, he loved babies, and Joshua knew they’d enjoy Beth for the night.
“Morning, sleepyhead,” Joshua said when Lee picked up the phone still sounding groggy. “Time to wake up!”
Lee groaned gently.
“I ran into Chris. He asked us to look after Beth tonight.”
“Mmm, ’kay.”
“Make sure Sam gets to school on time.”
Lee grumbled under his breath, but Joshua could tell he was getting up. “Weren’t you helping your grandpa run Stouder Lumber by his age? Can’t he get himself up?”
Joshua laughed. “Not quite. I was a little bit older. Besides, you know he’s a night owl.”
“Yeah, well, whatever. I’m exhausted this morning.”
Joshua frowned. They hadn’t done anything strenuous the night before, not with Sam by the bed. It seemed like Lee was complaining lately more and more often of exhaustion.
Joshua chewed on his bottom lip.
Lee had been one of the first to receive the original prototype nanite treatments, and there had been quite a few unknowns associated with those early trials. On the surface, everything appeared to be fine—the nanites had repaired his scars. But some patients who’d undergone the same nanite therapy with the same early prototypes were beginning to show indications of problems. The nanites hadn’t behaved as they were supposed to. The tiny robots, instead of doing their work and then dissolving, had become ‘overzealous,’ as some reports described it, sticking around to ‘repair’—aka destroy—perfectly healthy tissue elsewhere in the body. This often led to sudden collapse and, in several cases, death.
Joshua hesitated. They’d argued about whether or not Lee needed to see a doctor just a few days before when he’d been too tired to go to work. Lee had insisted he was fine, and it wasn’t big deal. He claimed he was just rundown from work, and that Joshua was worrying too much. While Joshua was starting to have his doubts, he also hated to start their day with another argument.
Deciding to talk about it over dinner, he said instead, “Well, should I cancel on watching Beth tonight?”
On the other end of the connection, Lee moaned, gasped, and made a strange sound.
“What’s wrong?” Joshua abandoned his resolve to wait until dinner and turned on the car, pointing it toward home. “Are you okay?”
“It’s fine,” Lee said, still gasping a little. “It’s nothing. No worries, oh-husband-of-mine.”
Joshua felt a nagging doubt. Suddenly, the dream of Neil seemed like an omen. “Was it
that pain again? In your chest? Did you ask the doctors about that, Lee? You said you would.”
“It was nothing. I pulled a muscle working out. That’s all.”
Joshua swallowed and kept driving toward home. “Last time you were in for a checkup, didn’t you ask them to do a blood test? Did they make sure the nanites had dissolved the way they’re supposed to? Those early prototypes—”
Lee cut him off. “I’ll drop by the doctor’s office and ask them when I go into Bowling Green on Monday. All right?”
Joshua wanted to push for him to call about it now, but he knew Lee was stubborn and an agreement to go in on Monday was better than expected.
“Babe, I’m not blowing it off,” Lee said gently. “But I know my body, and I’m fine.”
“It’s just—” Joshua stopped. He’d lost so much in his life, and he was happy now. He sometimes felt like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting to lose everything again.
“I know,” Lee said. “That’s why I’m going in. I don’t want you to worry. It’s a big day today with that sales rep from Nashville coming in to show me the new bikes, and tonight we’ll look after Beth, and Sam again, probably. Then it’s the weekend, babe, and I want to relax with you. Monday’s the soonest I can fit it in. But I promise to go. Okay?”
Joshua shoved aside his fear and said, “I love you.”
Lee laughed. “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Okay, I’m wearing red underwear,” Joshua said, waggling his eyebrows, hoping to break the tension he still felt. He found a place to turn around on the road and start back toward the lumberyard.
Lee laughed again. “No, you’re not.”
Joshua chuckled. “What if I am?”
“You’re not,” Lee said. “You act like I don’t know you.”
Joshua grinned.
“I’m shaking your kid brother awake right now. You should see the scowl on his face. Wakey-wakey, baby-cakey.”
“Go ’way,” Sam’s angry mumble came from the background. “You suck.”