by Amy Clipston
“What?” Laura looked up from the list.
“I’ll bring the sandwiches.” Kayla pointed to the kitchen. “I can bring the pretzels and chips too.”
“No.” Laura shook her head. “I can’t let you do that.”
“Why not?” Kayla shrugged. “We’re family, right?”
“Ya, but Allen has a list of customers and freinden from church he wants to invite.” She started listing all his friends. “I imagine Mark might bring a date or two. I don’t expect you to feed all those people.”
“We run a restaurant. I can make the sandwiches.” Kayla pulled out her notepad. “So you said your family and possibly Mark’s freinden. Tell me how many you think will come, and I’ll make sure to have more than enough food.” When Laura did, she added, “Okay. We’ll have a variety of sandwiches, plus chips and pretzels.”
Laura hesitated. “Let me know how much I owe you.”
“You don’t owe me anything.”
“No, I can’t accept it for free. That’s a lot of food.”
“Stop it.” Kayla frowned. “This will be my gift to Mollie and Allen. Does that work?”
Laura scrunched her nose and shook her head. “I don’t know how Allen will feel about that.”
“How will I feel about what?” Allen appeared beside her and sat down.
“Laura was just telling me about Mollie’s party on Friday, and I offered to cater it.” Kayla nodded toward Laura. “I can bring sandwiches, chips, and pretzels, and Laura said she’ll make the kuches.”
“That would be fantastic.” Allen turned to Laura and tilted his head. “I thought you mentioned you’d be making the sandwiches.”
“I did, but Kayla wants to make them, and she doesn’t want to charge us.” Laura swallowed when she realized she’d spoken as if they were a couple. She held her breath to keep her blush at bay and hoped he hadn’t noticed her use of the word us.
Allen looked at Kayla. “Oh, I’m froh to pay you. How much will it cost?”
Kayla looked at Laura, who lifted her chin as if to say I told you so.
Kayla laughed. “You two drive a hard bargain, but, no, neither of you will pay. It’s a gift, and it’s rude to not accept a gift, right?”
Allen pulled at his beard and looked down at Mollie. “What do you think?”
Mollie squealed and then laughed before popping another piece of cereal into her mouth.
“I guess it’s settled, then.” Allen nodded without smiling. “Danki.”
“So what time is the party?” Kayla asked as she wrote something else on her notepad.
Allen turned to Laura. “What time do you think?”
Laura shrugged. “I don’t know. Is five too early for you, Kayla?”
“That’s perfect.” Kayla wrote on her notepad again. “Jamie isn’t on duty at the firehouse on Friday, so he can pick me up.” She looked toward the kitchen. “Oh, there’s your food. Lorraine is bringing it.”
Kayla jumped up from the chair as the young girl with dark hair approached with a tray. Lorraine looked to be about fifteen, and she had bright, hazel eyes.
“Danki, Lorraine. I’d like you to meet mei freinden.” Kayla took one of the plates and placed it in front of Laura. “This is my future sister-in-law, Laura. She’s Jamie’s schweschder.”
“Hi.” Lorraine smiled at Laura.
“It’s nice to meet you,” Laura said.
Kayla set Allen’s plate in front of him. “And this is Allen and Mollie.”
“It’s great to meet all of you.” Lorraine set the tray on the table and then touched Mollie’s hand. “She’s adorable. How old is she?”
“She’ll be a year on Friday,” Allen said.
Lorraine studied Mollie, and then she looked from Laura to Allen. “She looks like both of you.” She pointed to Laura. “She has your eyes and Allen’s nose. What a cutie.”
Laura’s cheeks burned as she shifted in her chair. She was almost certain she saw Kayla cringe out of the corner of her eye.
“Danki.” Allen’s expression appeared pleasant, but Laura was aware of his tight jaw and stiff nod. “It’s very nice to meet you.”
“You too.” As Lorraine picked up her tray, she turned toward the front of the restaurant, where four Englisher women were walking toward the podium. “I’ll seat them,” she told Kayla before heading there.
“Danki.” Kayla turned to the table. “I’m sorry about that. I’ll straighten her out later. Do you need anything else?”
“Not for me, danki.” Allen looked at Laura, and she shook her head.
“All right.” Kayla smiled brightly. “I better go check on my other orders. Enjoy your lunch.”
As soon as Kayla walked away, Laura bowed her head for a silent prayer, aware her cheeks still blazed hot. She had to get her emotions under control. It wasn’t Lorraine’s fault she didn’t know Laura and Allen weren’t a married couple.
When Laura opened her eyes, she and Allen both began to cut up their meat loaf, and Laura placed two small pieces on Mollie’s high chair.
“Are you all right?” Allen asked before taking a second bite.
“Ya. How’s your meat loaf?” She stabbed a piece of her own meat loaf and forked it into her mouth.
Allen wiped his mouth with a paper napkin as he studied her. “I made you feel uncomfortable, and I’m sorry.”
She set her fork on her plate as she stared at him. “What are you talking about?”
His lips pressed into a thin line. “I thought by allowing Lorraine to believe you and I were married and Mollie was our boppli, it would minimize the awkwardness. But instead it embarrassed and humiliated you. I’ve become so accustomed to people making inappropriate comments to me since Savilla died that it doesn’t bother me anymore. I didn’t consider how it would make you feel, and I’m truly sorry.”
“What have people said to you?”
He glanced down at his plate and then up at her. “I took Mollie out alone a few times soon after Savilla died. Irma Mae had a doctor’s appointment or needed to run an errand, and I felt confident enough to take Mollie with me to the market and the hardware store. No matter where I went, people made unsolicited comments to me.” He moved the food around on his plate as he spoke. “I had to change her diaper in the men’s room at the hardware store, and an Englisher asked me if I’d given mei fraa the day off.”
“No!”
Allen nodded as he met her gaze. “Another time a woman in line at the market asked me if mei fraa was sleeping in and I was ‘playing mommy today.’” He made air quotes with his fingers.
“That’s terrible.” She shook her head. “How could people say such thoughtless things?”
“I think that’s it exactly.” He jammed his finger on the table. “They’re thoughtless. But I don’t think there’s any malice behind the words, so I’ve learned to brush them off.” He frowned. “That’s why I let Lorraine think you were mei fraa today. I thought it would be easier to just agree with her than to explain our relationship and your relationship with Mollie.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not.” He blew out a deep sigh. “It was disrespectful to you and to Rudy, and I’m very sorry. I hope you know I would never intentionally hurt you. Your friendship is precious to me.”
Laura sucked in a breath as she took in the regret in his eyes. “Danki.”
“I hope you’ll forgive me.” He said the words as if his life depended on them.
“I was never angry. I was only embarrassed for your sake.”
“For my sake?”
“Ya. I was embarrassed people would give me credit for Mollie. She doesn’t look like me at all. She’s your schee boppli.” She touched Mollie’s soft cheek. “She’s the spitting image of Savilla and you.”
Something flickered across his face, and his eyes seemed to glisten in the sunlight pouring through the skylights above them. Sadness came off him in waves, and it nearly crushed Laura’s heart. His grief was tangible, and she longed
to soothe his soul.
He pointed to her plate. “Please eat before your food gets cold.”
The pain in Allen’s eyes penetrated Laura as she put a bite of noodles into her mouth. She fought the urge to beg him to talk to her, but she forced herself to respect his privacy. Instead she sent a silent prayer to God, asking him to show her how to help Allen find peace.
SIXTEEN
“Allen! Allen, help me!” Savilla’s voice echoed around Allen as he stood at the top of the stairs.
“Savilla! Where are you?” He spun into the bathroom doorway, but the room was empty. “Savilla? Answer me!” His body trembled. “Savilla! Where are you?”
“Allen! Please help me. You’re the only one who can help me!” Her voice was more distant, as if it were fading away.
His heart pounded against his rib cage as he rushed into Mollie’s room, but only Mollie was there, sleeping in her crib. He hustled out to the hallway.
“Savilla! Please tell me where you are!” he called, his voice thin and shaky.
“Allen! I need you!” Savilla’s voice was softer.
“Savilla!” His footsteps echoed as he checked the sewing room and then the spare bedroom before running into their bedroom. All the rooms were empty. “Where are you? Savilla? Savilla!”
He stood at the top of the stairs and screamed her name over and over, but she didn’t answer. Sinking onto his knees on the cold, hard linoleum, he sobbed.
Allen’s eyes flew open, and in one swift motion he sat up and scooted back until his spine slammed against the headboard, sending pain spiraling up his back to his shoulders. His body was drenched in sweat despite the breeze filtering through his open bedroom windows.
Amid the gentle tapping of raindrops hitting the roof, he gasped, filling his lungs with air as he worked to calm his pounding heart and frayed nerves.
It was just a dream. It was just a dream. It was just a dream.
No, it was a nightmare.
He rubbed his wet eyes. He’d been crying. He glanced at the digital clock beside his bed. It read 2:18. Covering his face with his hands, he breathed in a gulp of air and then stilled when he heard a noise. No, it wasn’t a noise. It was singing. Laura was singing to Mollie again.
Allen stood, pulled a pair of trousers over his boxers, and then put on a white undershirt. He retrieved the lantern from his nightstand, and without turning it on, he padded into the hallway. Laura’s beautiful voice grew louder as she finished singing “Jesus Loves Me.”
Mollie’s door was partly open, letting the glow of a lantern shine through. He leaned his shoulder against the doorframe and looked in, and his body shuddered with the remnants of the vivid nightmare. And yet the scene before him had a calming effect.
Laura wore a plain white nightgown, and her thick dark-brown hair draped over one of her slight shoulders and hung to her waist. It was uncovered. As she moved the rocking chair back and forth, she held a sleeping Mollie against her chest.
Her tenderness and gentleness for his child warmed his cold and lonely heart, and a knot of emotion choked his throat as fresh tears stung his eyes.
When Laura leaned down and kissed Mollie’s head, she saw him. And when her bright, intelligent eyes locked on him, a sweet smile spread across her lips. She stood and set Mollie in the crib and then paused as if waiting for his daughter to cry. But Mollie snuggled down and then sighed.
Laura pulled on a white robe and tied it at her waist. She turned off her lantern as he turned his on, and then she crossed the room and slipped past him into the hallway before motioning for him to follow her. “Did I wake you? I didn’t mean to leave the door open.”
“No.” His voice croaked as he ran his hand down his face.
Her eyes widened. “Was iss letz?”
He shook his head, his words stuck in his arid throat.
She hesitated and then motioned for him to follow her down the stairs, out the front door, and onto the covered porch. The raindrops continued to tap on the roof, and the aroma of wet grass filled his nostrils.
She pointed to the swing where they’d sat together the week before. “Please sit.”
He sat down, slid over to the far side, and set his lantern on the floor.
She sank down beside him and angled her body toward his. “Please talk to me.”
He swallowed and tried to form the words that would explain all the emotions whirling through him like a tornado—grief, regret, guilt, confusion, and anxiety. He looked out on the lawn as the rain picked up, no doubt leaving puddles in its wake.
“I can’t help if you won’t tell me what’s wrong.” Her words throbbed with anxiety. “I could tell all day that something was wrong. You’ve seemed so bedauerlich and distracted ever since I arrived this morning. It’s been killing me that I couldn’t help you, but I didn’t know how to ask what was bothering you without sounding like I was prying.”
He turned toward her. “You could never pry. You’re mei freind, and I trust you completely.”
Surprise flashed in her eyes, and her expression warmed. “I want to help you.”
He trailed his fingers over the arm of the swing and stared down at the porch floor, working to gather his thoughts. “I asked you to go to lunch with me today because I wanted to thank you for all you’ve done, but I also felt like I needed to get out of the haus and the shop. I’ve been antsy and emotional. I felt like I was on the verge of having a breakdown.”
He kept his gaze trained on the wood beneath his feet as his chest tightened. “I came into Mollie’s room because I’d had a nightmare about Savilla, and then I heard you singing.”
“What did you dream?”
“She was calling me, begging me to help her, but I couldn’t find her.” He closed his eyes as the dream filled his mind. “I was searching the upstairs rooms, but her voice faded away from me. Then I was left alone at the top of the stairs.” He swallowed back threatening emotions. “I woke up alone in my bed.”
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, her voice quavering.
“It’s not your fault.” He opened his eyes. “It was just a tough day.” His lips turned up in a wry smile. “But I had been expecting it.”
“What do you mean?”
He turned toward her. “It’s been ten months since I lost her.”
Laura made a strangled sound in her throat as her eyes shimmered. Her pretty face crumpled and tears streamed down her cheeks. She covered her face with her hands, and a sob escaped her lips.
His lungs seized, and he felt the urge to pull her into his arms and comfort her. But it would be too forward to hold her, even though watching her sob was tearing him apart.
“Oh, Laura. I didn’t mean to upset you.” He touched her shoulder. “Please don’t cry. I’m so sorry.”
She pulled a tissue from the pocket of her robe and wiped her eyes and nose before shaking her head. “I’m the one who should be sorry.”
“Why should you be sorry?”
“I should have known it was the ten-month anniversary. When I looked at the calendar in your kitchen, the significance of the date never occurred to me. I was only thinking about Mollie’s birthday.” She looked up at him, and her lower lip trembled. “I’m so sorry for being such a terrible freind.”
He couldn’t stop a smile. “That’s where you’re wrong.”
“What?” Her eyebrows cinched together as the rain picked up, splattering the edge of the porch with large drops.
“You’re a dear freind.” He spoke louder to be heard over the rain. “You’re the only one who wants to hear how I’m truly feeling, and you’re the only one I trust with my feelings.” Without any forethought, he reached over and wiped a tear from her cheek. He expected her to shirk away from his touch, but she stilled, her bright eyes focused on his. “When Savilla died, I lost my closest freinden. I used to be able to talk to Rudy, mei gut freind. But now it feels like no one knows what to say to me, not even him.”
She scowled. “I told Rudy he should try to t
alk to you more. He said he doesn’t know what to say to you. I guess it’s because he’s never lost anyone close to him, and he doesn’t know how that feels. But I also believe he’s immature and selfish.”
Allen shifted away from her. What would Rudy say if he witnessed Allen’s behavior—sitting close to her, touching her, and telling her she was a dear friend? Allen was out of line, and he needed to back off now before he went too far and ruined his friendship with Laura, Rudy, and maybe their whole community. Guilt, hot and searing, cut through him.
She shook her head, oblivious to his inner turmoil. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t aware of the anniversary. No wonder you’ve been so upset all day.”
“I appreciate that you care so much.”
“Of course I care.” She looked out toward the rain and sniffed. “I can’t believe it’s been ten months.”
“I know. Some days it feels like two years, but other days it feels like it’s only been a few weeks. All I know is that she’s gone, and I have a hole in my life.”
“I know.” She looked at him, and her eyes sparkled in the low light of the lantern. “I miss Savilla all the time too. We grew up together, and we went through everything together. She was there when I had my first crush, and she defended me on the playground when one of the other girls made fun of me. We celebrated our birthdays together and exchanged gifts. We were there for the happy milestones. I was in your wedding, and I was one of your first visitors when Mollie was born. We were there for each other during the bedauerlich times too. She stood with me at the funeral for mei mamm.” She wiped away a tear and sniffed. “But now she’s gone.”
She paused and took a deep, shuddering breath. “Sometimes I think about mei mamm and Savilla, and I feel like I can’t breathe.” Fresh tears poured down her cheeks, and she wiped them away with the back of her hands. “It just hurts so much when you lose someone you love.”
An ache spread inside his chest, and once again he shoved away the urge to pull her into his arms, to hold her close and attempt to take away some of her pain. “It hurts, but we have each other, right?”
“Ya, we do.” She gave him a watery smile. “And I’m so thankful for you.”