Not About That Life

by Vera Roberts

  I lightly sigh. “If you’re trying to get me to fuck you right now, keep talking.”

  “I thought you were hungry, angel?”

  “I am,” I climb on top of him, and hold a French fry in front of his mouth as he eats it, “but I can work up another appetite.”

  Ian unhooks my bra and kisses my breasts, sucking on one nipple before he moves to the other one. “I like that idea.”

  ~~~~~~

  After my late lunch/early dinner I effectively coined as lunner, Ian took me to view the sighs, sounds, and smells of New York. There truly is nothing like it. It’s a city that never sleeps and there’s always something happening somewhere in the vast city.

  The honking of impatient drivers combined with the rumbling of the subway and more profanity-laced rants than I’ve ever heard of in my life, made New York crazy exciting. Ian showed me places he used to frequent and even ran into a few of his old ‘mates’, as he calls them while he showed me around.

  Over dinner at the wildly-expensive Lilia restaurant, we noshed on lobster ravioli and kept the conversation as light as possible. Ian humored me talking about the latest in celebrity gossip and even asked questions, though I think he did it to be polite, not that he really cared.

  “Enough about what’s going in the world of YouTubers,” I grin, “what are we doing next?”

  “We’re going to explore the city more,” Ian checks his watch, “and tomorrow we’re going to visit and stay with Nick and Zerrin.”

  Nick and Zerrin D’Amato. Nick, of the world-famous D’Amato family, and his gorgeous wife, Zerrin. I feel stupid even being in the same vicinity of them. Zerrin is going for her doctorate in sexual health and psychology and Nick is also trying to be a doctor in English.

  And here I am…a lucky girl with a Communication degree?

  I will literally be the dumbest person in a room full of people who have traveled and versed on all things adult. Maybe BDSM is for intellectuals only?

  “What’s on your mind, angel?” He asks.

  I focus my attention on how glacier blue Ian’s eyes had become. He has a quiet intensity about him that can’t be described, only felt. “I’m afraid I’m going to be too stupid for your friends.”

  “Nonsense,” he quietly states, “I think you’re perfect for my friends.”

  “No, I meant how I’m going to be the only person tonight without some sort of fancy degree,” I shake my head, “what does a girl who reads gossip blogs and watches Love and Hip-Hop have in common with two professors?”

  “Nick and Zerrin are very aware in all things pop culture,” Ian defends, “especially Nick. He has to be. He incorporates a lot of pop culture into his English classes.”

  “He does?” My eyes widen. Nick always looked so serious and even during our brief interaction not that ago, it seemed he was trying to restrain himself from talking down at me.

  “Nick takes a lot of things seriously as you’ll find out but once you get to know him on a personal level, he’s one of the most generous people you’ll ever meet. He’s had a hard life growing up looking after his brothers because their father left them at a very young age.” Ian pauses. “That might be something you want to speak with Nick about.”

  I’m not sure if Nick signed up to be a therapist in addition to teaching me additional things about BDSM. “It might be too much, no? Especially for a first meeting?”

  “No.” He shakes his head. “It’ll help you work through your issues with Sam and become more comfortable with BDSM overall. BDSM is good for those who have anxiety and depression.”

  It never occurred to me I might have depression but Bae might be onto something. I study his reaction and feel the quiet strength from his end. Should I ask him if he has it? I would’ve known about it already, right? “Do you?”

  “Do I what?”

  “Have…you know…depression?”

  Ian pauses for a moment. His brows furrowed, and his chiseled cheekbones appeared to suck on a piece of lemon. His face was impassive and his blue eyes burned with an intensity I’d never seen before. I feel like I crossed over an unspoken boundary.

  My stomach knotted into tight balls and I felt I was slapped with a bookcase of regret. Congratulations, Domi, you just ruined your vacation. Awesome.

  “Yes.”

  I was so lost in my thoughts, I didn’t realize Ian answered in the affirmative. It was a shocking revelation and we both knew it was. “You have?”

  “It was really bad when mum died.” He lets out a small sigh and I see regret, anguish and hurt appear across his face. “For two years, I had no idea who I was or what I wanted to be.”

  “Wow,” I rest my head into my palm and place my elbow on the table. I’m sure that’s frowned upon but I’m too engrossed in my man to care about what some snobby maître’d thinks. “How did you work through it?”

  Ian takes a sip of his wine and briefly looks down before he meets my eyes again. “I still am. I see a therapist once a week.”

  WHAT?

  I’m screaming inside but I have to remain calm. I had no idea. “Why did you keep that from me?”

  He softly shakes his head. “You had your own issues to deal with. I didn’t want to burden you with my bullshit.”

  “You going to therapy isn’t bullshit.” I check my anger, though it’s hard. It seems whenever I get to know a little bit of Ian, he pulls the rug from under my feet to stop me from knowing too much. “It’s something we work through together.”

  “It’s something I’ve dealt with on my own and I will continue to do so,” his voice is firm, “some things you don’t need to be included in, Domi.”

  My stomach bottoms out and I swallow the bile threatening to come up. I understand Ian wanted privacy to work through his issues, but I thought dealing with his mother’s death with a woman he’s supposed to be married to is a couples thing.

  This has really become a fucked up day to the extreme. “I’m ready to go back to the hotel now.”

  “Domi,” he begins to reach for me and I snatch my hand away, “Please…please don’t do this.”

  “You just told me I should work through Daddy issues with people I’m not that familiar with, but when it comes to you and your bullshit, I need to step the fuck away.” I stand up and grab my clutch. “Since you won’t accompany me, I’ll find my way back.” I leave the restaurant.

  I step out into the blistering cold air of New York and forgot my coat is still in coat check. Fuck it. I’m too angry and stubborn to retrieve it. I start walking and hope I won’t get frozen to death because I was feeling salty at my fiancée.

  Fiancée. Wow. Even that word is a joke now.

  I barely make it to the street light when Ian finally catches up with me with my coat in tow. “Can we talk about this?”

  “About what?” I don’t even bother to face him. “You want me in just enough but you don’t want me to explore the rest of the home. I got it. I only need to stay in the living room.”

  “Domi,” he grabs me and I pull my arm away, “can we please talk about this?”

  I turn to look at his face and see his pleading eyes. I don’t want to talk to him, I really don’t want to be anywhere near Ian right now. But I can’t run away from this fight and still be mad at him when he was making an effort.

  Reluctantly, I allow Ian to put the coat on me and lead me back to the hotel room.

  Nine

  We return to our suite and it feels like we’re in a boxing match and went into our separate corners. He’s sitting across from me in a chair and my back is next to the door, in case the bullshit he’s about to spew is going to make me have another run for it.

  Ian’s hand is covering his mouth and he’s staring down at the table. His blue eyes flicker and it’s emotion I can’t read. I don’t know if he’s embarrassed, sad, angry…I don’t know what he’s feeling now.

  What’s worse is that I couldn’t even begin to fathom any of it. He’s purposely not letting me in. I don’t nee
d to know what he’s talking about his therapist with. It would’ve been nice to been clued in that he was seeing one.

  “I started seeing him when I came back to the States. I dropped out of school to handle all family affairs for a while. Once Gerald started seeing Emma and it appeared it was becoming serious, I asked her to take over being the family representative so I could finish my schooling. She gladly accepted.

  “When I was back in London, I concentrated on uni, then I went to cookery school. I excelled at both because it took the concentration off mum’s death. I stayed in London for several more years and trained under the best chefs in the world. I purposely didn’t tell them about my familial relationship because I wanted no special treatment. I especially wanted no sympathy.

  “I returned here several years ago and opened Sentiment. It was a smashing success so I opened 3121 a couple years later. When I was decorating 3121, I had a big black and white photo of mum hanging on the wall. One night, the cleaning crew accidentally knocked it down. The photo remained in tact but the frame was shattered.

  “When I saw it the next day, I lost my shit. I screamed and cursed at anyone who came within a few feet of me. I finally broke down and just cried like a newborn. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t talk. I was sweating profusely. I had to have been transferred to Cedars-Sinai because they thought I was about to have a heart attack. I remember screaming at the EMTs to not save me because I wanted to join mum.”

  My heart stops at thinking about what Ian just told me. His face has already traveled back to that fateful day and I see the small storm within his eyes about it. Flashes of anguish and hopelessness fill them. I just want to hold him.

  “Gerald and our father had me hospitalized. When I came to, I saw them at my bedside. Everyone looked like they were crying. I’ll never forget my father’s face. He grabbed my hand and kissed it. With tears in his eyes, he said, ‘I already lost the love of my life, my heart can’t take another loss like that.’”

  Ian closes his eyes and lets out a few small breaths. “I went to intensive therapy for several years to work through my issues. I spent several months in recovery while my business partners took over. They had all employees and contractors sign NDAs from that moment on. Once I recovered, I returned to the restaurants and just worked harder than before to make up for lost time.

  “I’m fine now, for the most part. I don’t like to talk about it because when you tell people you’re in therapy or you’ve battled depression, they tend to look at you as if you’re crazy or handle you with kid gloves.” He finally sighs and I see the weight has been lifted off his shoulders. “So it has been a private thing I’ve dealt with.”

  My eyes water and I let the tears fall. I understand why he never wanted anyone to know he had a nervous breakdown but there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I cautiously walk over to him and kneel in front of him. “You don’t have to deal with this alone anymore, Ian.” My voice is cracking with so much hurt and emotion, I can barely stand it. “I know what it feels like to have the one person you love more than anything, ripped from you like nothing ever happened. I know how it feels, baby. You don’t have to do this alone.”

  Ian cups my face and gives a soft smile. “Come here,” his voice barely comes out a whisper.

  I sit on his lap and press my forehead against his. I feel the energy exchange between us. Instead of me giving and him taking, the roles are reversed. He’s opening up, being as vulnerable as I’d ever seen him, and pouring out so much emotion to me. He caged his emotions like an animal trapped at a zoo, only to finally let them go when he couldn’t contain them any longer.

  He’s dealt with this forever and it’s clear he’s tired of it. His mother has missed every major event of his life and I’m sure the upcoming wedding is making it harder on him than he’s going to admit.

  “Breathe with me,” I instruct and we do a series of deep inhales together. I feel his body becoming more relaxed with each exhale. This time I’m the teacher and he’s the student. I have to protect him, protect us, from everything and everyone.

  I feel his hands circling my waist, trailing to my behind and resting there. His body, sculpted to perfection, feels wonderful and relaxed underneath mine. “I don’t you want worrying about me, angel.”

  I inwardly growled at his suggestion. “I’ll always worry about you, Ian. I worried about you when we weren’t together. I’ll worry about you even more now that I’m about to be your wife.” I sniffle and he follows. I open my eyes and see the small trail of wetness leading from his eyes down his cheeks. “We’re in this together.”

  “I don’t know if I can include you in what’s going on,” he lets out another painful sigh, “at least not yet.”

  “Why don’t you include me when you feel ready?” I hold out a pinky. “Pinky swear?”

  Ian glances down at my pinky and interlocks it with his. “Pinky swear.” He wraps his arms around me and holds me tight. Losing our mothers shaped us in different ways, but it’s path we’re heading down together – forever. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

  “Well, lucky for you, you’ll never find out.” I kiss the tip of his nose. “Let’s stay in and watch Friends.”

  “Oh?” He turns to me with a surprised expression on his face. “You like the show now?”

  “Not really,” the words slowly leave my mouth, “but I’m willing to take one for the team to keep my bae happy.” I quickly get off him and remove my clothing. “Let’s watch Friends naked. No sex unless you want it.”

  “I always want it.” He smiles.

  “Unless you need it.”

  “I always need it.” I give him a look and he shrugs. “I’m a man. We need sex like you women need the latest handbags.”

  Ten

  We spent the day being a regular not-quite married couple.

  I slept in more while Ian caught up with news. He eventually joined me for a nap and all we did was sleep for a change. It was nice, I have to admit. I think we both were too spent from the emotional night from before to do anything but cuddle.

  And that was perfect.

  We laid in bed together, completely naked, with no sheets or blankets covering us, and we just held each other. It was more intimate than anything we’d ever experienced before.

  I felt his quiet strength as he pressed his body against mine. His body consumed mine, protecting me from all danger and harm, while silently promising me forever with every touch.

  I felt loved, wanted, and cherished.

  And we watched Friends. I can honestly say I don’t know why Ross and Rachel just don’t get together and be done with it, Phoebe and I could be best friends because she reminds me a lot of Helen, Joey and I have a shared love of food, I prefer fat Chandler over skinny one, and Monica is just weird and I want to punch her in the fucking face.

  I’m still not, I repeat, I’m still not a fan. I’m taking one for the team.

  After cuddling all day, we finally left the hotel room and explored the city. New York is loud, crazy, and one has to have a certain charm to live there. Some people were friendly, some were rude AF, but they all had one thing in common: they all loved their city.

  It’s nine o’clock at night and it’s a time where most people are either heading out or turning in. We’re about to…honestly, I’m not even sure what we’re about to do. All I know is I’m dressed in a slinky, low-cut club dress that has a high slit and paired it with Gucci high-heeled sandals – Ian’s choice.

  Something tells me this choice of stiletto might also be a choice of Saint Nick.

  We’re on our way to his apartment and Ian warned me it’s not the size of a shoebox but just about the equivalent to our home back in L.A. I wonder why Nick and Zerrin need so much space since it’s mostly them and their small baby.

  In the backseat of a rented Maybach, Ian holds my hand as the driver eases his way to Nick’s apartment. The butterflies are going a mile a minute in my stomach and I wonder if tonight might scare me
enough to go home.

  If I wasn’t daunted by Ian’s sex chamber, I surely can handle Saint Nick, right?

  “Your mind is busy,” Ian murmurs and he final turns to me, “everything okay, angel?”

  “I don’t know what to expect,” I reveal, “is this going to be a scene out of Pulp Fiction?”

  “No,” Ian chuckles, “Nick can get extreme but not like that.”

  It sounds like a forewarning, rather than easing my conscience. “If I don’t like it tonight, what will happen?” I ask.

  “If you don’t like it, there’s nothing wrong with it. We’ll enjoy the rest of our weekend together.” He plays with my fingers. “That’s all.”

  Of course, there’s the opposite. Ian has already shown me how much of sex I love about it. Each time we have it, I discover new things about my body and what it can do. New erogenous zones. New ways to orgasm. New techniques I can employ to please Ian.

  When he tied me up and had his way with me, I went into another level of pleasure. He touched my soul, brought me back down to earth, only to lift me higher than before. I never came so hard and so fast in my life and that was only just the beginning.

  “And what if I love it?” I slowly turn to him and meet his grin.

  Ian brings my hand to his lips and kisses it. “Then we have so much to explore.”

  ~~~~~

  We walk to Saint Nick’s apartment. His apartment is the only door on the floor besides the emergency exit and I’m curious what’s behind Door #1.

  “Are you ready, angel?” Sir asks me.

  To be honest, I’m not sure how to answer that question. There’s only one way to find out. “Yes, Sir.”

  Ian opens the door and we walk in. The sounds of Al B. Sure’s “Right Now” blasts in our ears but my body comes to a full whiplash cant and my face completely blanches when I see the stupendous sight in front of me.

  Two nude black women are tied up and suspended in the air. Pink rope is tied around the one on the left in intricate designs and knots while the one on the right has purple rope in the same design. I would later find out the method used was called shibari.