by Lilly Wilder
“I’m not stubborn. I just don’t think that I’m going to meet a suitable man at a club.”
“Oh, please,” Jennifer waved a hand brusquely in front of her face, “I don’t want to hear this again. You know, maybe you should try finding someone who doesn’t fit this image you have in your mind of the ideal man. Sometimes I think you just want a carbon copy of yourself.”
“Isn’t the point of love, to be with someone who you share interests with?”
“Sure, to a point, but you also want someone who is going to push you out of your comfort zone, who is going to introduce you to new things. Do you really want to just stay indoors and do the same thing every night, just with someone sitting beside you?”
“Actually, that sounds like perfection to me,” I snapped back. I was getting tired of Jennifer telling me what I should do with my life, so I pulled the only card I knew would get her to shut up. “Can you blame me after Andy?”
Jennifer’s face paled and she pursed her lips. She took me by the hand and sat me down on the couch. A caring expression appeared on her face and she looked at me with sympathy. “I’m sorry for what happened. You know I am, and you know I’ll never forget what he did to you.” My arms subconsciously wrapped around my body, rubbing my forearms. My skin was unblemished, but every time I looked down I could feel the bruises of where he’d grabbed me. “But I’m just trying to help you move forward in life. Not every guy is like Andy, and you can’t expect everyone to fit into the little box you have in your mind. I’m worried that if you don’t come to terms with that, you’re never going to be satisfied and you’re just going to end up alone.”
“Is that the worst thing in the world?” I asked, my voice cracking with emotion. My head dipped and Jennifer’s hand caressed my back. I could feel tears stinging my eyes, but I told myself I wasn’t going to let myself cry. Not again. I’d already wasted too many tears on the trauma, spent too much emotion on the pain.
“Yes, it is,” Jennifer replied softly. Her voice was as gentle as a floating cloud. “I know that it’s scary to put yourself out there again. I know that you feel vulnerable, but you’re too good of a person to be locked in here. I hate that fear is ruling your life. It doesn’t have to be this way. Believe me…when I was younger my uncle committed suicide. He died alone, all alone, and that cut to the core of me. I hated the idea of him having nobody around when he decided to end his life, and I knew I didn’t want that to happen to anyone else I loved. That’s the whole reason why I want to get married and have a family. Life has a way of drifting by, if we don’t take advantage of the opportunities that it gives us. And, yeah, maybe you won’t meet the love of your life at a bar, but it might help you get used to being with people again. It’ll help build your confidence, as well.”
“I’m not ready,” I whimpered.
“You’re never going to be if you don’t push yourself. Come on, let’s get ready. You’ll feel better when you’re in something pretty, and I’m going to be with you every step of the way tonight. I won’t let anything happen to you. You know you’re safe with me.”
I smiled at her and wiped my eyes, glad that I hadn’t bawled in front of Jennifer again. She was the only person in my life to see me at my weakest and stick around. I trusted her implicitly, and it was these moments that defined our friendship, not the bickering or the rolling eyes. She took me to my room and flung open my wardrobe, searching for something that would make me look stylish. Most of my clothes were different shades of black. I had few outfits that were suitable for what Jennifer was looking for, but as prepared as she always was, she had brought some of her own clothes.
“This really isn’t me,” I said, as I looked through what she offered.
Jennifer clasped my hand. “Don’t you think that, perhaps, for this night at least, it might be better if you tried being someone else?”
There was certainly some wisdom to her words and I found myself ruminating on them. One of my problems, was that I always got lost in my own mind and my labyrinthine thoughts often led me to dark places where I dwelt on things I perhaps shouldn’t have. So, playing the part of an outgoing socialite did hold some appeal, even though I didn’t think I would be able to give a convincing or captivating performance, but there was a part of me that was tired of always complaining and feeling sad. The scars that Andy had left were etched deep into my heart and soul, and it was too easy to be ruled by them. Maybe Jennifer was right and I shouldn’t let him win.
I looked through the dresses, skirts, and tops that Jennifer had brought with her. Many of them were far too skimpy for me; I had a petite figure but I wasn’t confident enough to show off too much skin.
“Are you sure you want to wear stuff like this?” I asked skeptically, looking at a piece of cloth that was called a dress, but barely seemed as if it would be able to stretch around our bodies. Jennifer and I were of similar build, although she was a little curvier and her hair was longer and thicker. She also used more makeup than I did.
Jennifer snatched the garment from me and tilted her head back, lifting her nose into the air. “Stuff like this, is the way we set ourselves apart from all the other women.”
“But it’s so skimpy. Don’t you feel weird wearing it? Almost like you’re putting yourself on display?”
“That’s exactly what we’re doing. That’s how all of this works. Everything we do puts ourselves on display, whether it’s in a club, or at work, or anywhere else. We want other people to notice us.”
“But doesn’t it make you feel kind of…cheap?” I scrunched up my face in confusion. Jennifer just laughed.
“Not at all. There’s nothing cheap about these clothes, let me tell you that. Why would it be cheap?”
“I don’t know…because people are just going to pay attention to what you’re wearing and how much skin you’re showing rather than actually getting to know you. Don’t you want someone to like you for your personality rather than your body?”
“Ideally, I’d like both but on nights like these, all that matters is animal instinct, because deep down that’s all we are. We might have come a long way from when we were sitting in our caves, grunting at each other, but we haven’t come that far. Most of our communication is still non-verbal and attraction is more about the physical than anything else. I want people to look at me. I want them to see me and choose me over anyone else. There’s no shame in that. It makes the whole thing easier and more honest, as well.”
“More honest?” I frowned, unsure what she meant by this.
“Hell yes, it’s more honest! If you don’t speak to each other you can’t lie to each other. You can’t deceive each other. There’s only the pure truth of two bodies, two souls drawn to each other, pulled together by invisible forces, and nothing and nobody can stop them. It’s electric and warm, and then when you finally get your hands on each other, the rest of the world just melts away and there’s nothing left for you to do but enjoy it. In fact, sometimes it’s ruined when you do speak. It’s all about the feelings. That’s the most powerful thing, this animal instinct that rules us. Thinking just gets in the way.”
I gave her a slight nod and considered her words. There was some wisdom to them, in a weird, twisted way. I knew how insidious lies could be and maybe if I just went by the feelings in my body, I might not have been left so distraught and ruined by Andy. God, just thinking about him brought all the bad feelings back and, suddenly, I wanted to hit out at him. I wanted to prove to him that I wasn’t the delicate, fragile little flower he accused me of being.
“Okay Jennifer. You’ve got me. It’s time for me to fight back.” I rifled through the outfits she had brought and found the most suitable one. I was ready for anything. I was ready for this to be the first night of the rest of my life.
Chapter Two
I ended up staying with something black. It wrapped around my body and the edges were curved, like waves cutting across my thighs and my chest. It didn’t reveal any in
timate areas of my body, but it was designed in such a way to give the illusion of exposing a lot. As such, I felt self-conscious when I stepped out of my apartment, but Jennifer assured me, that feeling would go away as soon as I had some alcohol in me.
I was 23, but my life had never been one that revolved around getting drunk and partying. I was always a quiet person, and I could count the times I’d been drunk on one of my hands. In Jennifer’s company, I felt a little better, and talking about Andy had helped me remember that she was my friend rather than my rival, even though it had seemed that way recently, since we had been going for the same promotion. We ran downstairs and got in the taxi. I didn’t want there to be any awkwardness between us, so as soon as we got in and Jennifer told the driver where to go I leaned over and placed a hand on her arm. Jennifer was wearing a red top that sparkled with gold whenever light hit it, as though stars were dancing over her body. Once again I would pale in her shadow and all the attention would be on her, but that was exactly how she liked it, and how I liked it too.
“I just wanted to say congratulations again for the promotion. You’ve been working hard and you deserved it.”
“Thanks,” Jennifer said. “I felt bad because it was the two of us going against each other. If there was any way for us to share it, I would much rather have done that than taken the promotion myself, but I know that if you go for the next one you’ll get it. You just need to make a bit more of an impression.”
“I know, but that’s always been my downfall hasn’t it? I never stand out from the crowd,” I said, although I wished that I hadn’t stood out from the crowd when Andy had seen me. Panic flooded my mind again, as I worried that the same thing would happen again. I gripped Jennifer’s arm tightly and she took it as a sign of friendship. I didn’t reveal the real reason, not wanting to worry her any more than she already was. This was supposed to be her night and the last thing she needed was to feel like she had to babysit me. I was an adult, and if I couldn’t survive one night at a club, then what hope was there for me surviving the rest of my life?
The taxi drove us through the glittering lights of the city. The sky was dark and the stars were imperceptible, as the glow from the bars was overpowering. People milled about on the sidewalks, as though they had been poured from a bottle. They all seemed to know each other, and it was as though they were a part of some secret club in which I hadn’t been included. I stepped out of the taxi and smoothed down my outfit, adjusting my bag so that it sat in front of me. I didn’t want to risk anyone trying to slip their fingers into my purse and stealing my wallet. Jennifer linked arms with me and we walked towards the bar. I swallowed my nerves. It was in these rare moments when I wished I was more like Jennifer. She so easily fit into this world. She walked with grace and there was no sense of awkwardness around her, as though she had been born to live in this world. It was her natural habitat, whereas I felt like an imposter.
Whenever we passed a group of people, I got the sense that they were staring at me, judging me for not being one of them. I was intruding in their world. I wasn’t meant to belong here. Panic rose inside me again and I was tempted to wrench myself away from Jennifer’s side and sprint back to the taxi, which was slowly crawling away. My eyes searched frantically for an escape. I saw danger all around me. Everyone was an enemy. Sweat prickled on my brow. I was dragged along by Jennifer’s momentum more than anything, but as we got closer I knew I couldn’t do this. I knew I had to leave, even though it was selfish of me. I was supposed to be Jennifer’s best friend, supposed to support her on nights like these, just as she had supported me through all the lonely nights, but I just couldn’t.
I was about to pull myself away and retreat, when, suddenly, there were loud shrieks and everyone from the office was swarming around us, giving Jennifer celebratory hugs and also expressing joy that I had shown my face. I forced polite smiles, not wanting to be rude, but I dipped my gaze away, embarrassed. At first I thought it was a joke that they were being so over the top with the reactions, but I quickly realized that they were being genuine and were happy that I was with them. I suppose I had been lost in my own world for so long, that Andy had made me feel so small and insignificant, I had forgotten that I mattered to people. I found myself in the middle of the throng and we moved as one, shuffling up the line to get into the club, getting closer to and closer to the entrance. I knew I couldn’t leave now. I couldn’t bear the pitiful looks they’d give me. I was being carried along by the tide. The entrance to the club was like a gaping maw, darkness awaited. Throbbing music gave the only hint of what was to come, and the entrance was guarded by two tall men who looked cut from the same slab of flint. They wore stern expressions and had thick heads of hair. Their tight black t-shirts were stretched wide across their expansive, muscular bodies. Their biceps bulged, as everyone who passed came under their unforgiving gazes. They were the gatekeepers of this place. They emanated power and everyone succumbed to humble silence as they passed.
I swallowed a lump in my throat, somehow nervous, even though I knew there was no reason for them to deny me entrance to this place. As I grew closer, I saw them more clearly. They were like giants to me, or titans. Their bodies were athletic and I had the strong sense that neither of them had ever felt fear, not like I had. I was weak, they were strong, and I felt my heart flutter as I thought about their primal strength.
Our group approached and I handed them my ID. My hand looked tiny compared to theirs. One of them flashed a light at the small plastic card and then at my face. It hit me and I squinted, reeling back. He leaned into the other and murmured something. I didn’t hear what. I was worried that something was wrong. I met his eyes and was surprised with how deep and sparkling they were. It was as though the entire ocean was swimming inside. My breath caught in my throat as I was pushed along. My neck craned back, but then the darkness swallowed me and the gatekeepers faded from view.
I don’t know why they’d had such an effect on me, but I shook it off as soon as I got into the club. Darkness descended upon us. Flashing lights illuminated the dance floor and other people were lit up by glow sticks they were holding. I clung to the people around me, not wanting to be left in this scary place of shadows and thumping noise. People yelled to be heard, and I couldn’t hear anything. Jennifer said something and I just nodded. A few moments later a drink was thrust into my hand. It was sweet, and I decided to take a few sips. I moved my body to the rhythm and looked around. The lights were low and everyone seemed to crowd together in a writhing mass of bodies. There were some who were already dancing the primal dance, their lips locked and hands roaming freely over their skin. I hid my gaze, ashamed, yet curious, for I wondered if I would ever feel that passion. My life had always been one of intellectual pursuits and the pleasure I shared had been high-minded and calculated, never this raw and purely lustful frenzy. There was something enticing about it, and the fear only added an extra crackle of electricity.
In this place, it felt as though anything could happen. It was a world of wonder, a place where inhibitions could be shed and darkest desires indulged. It was a place that held secrets, as though everyone who entered became part of a secret pact. There was an unwritten rule that whatever happened in the club stayed within the boundaries of the club. It was as lawless as the wild west, but nobody here was interested in committing crimes like theft or burglary. All they wanted was to have a good time and achieve some semblance of liberation from the drudgery of their lives. I could feel the lure, the temptation of the same desire. The thought of shedding the image of the well behaved pristine girl I’d cultivated over the years was intoxicating. In this place I could be whoever I wanted, whatever I wanted, and nobody would know any different.
My mood had changed entirely from when I had approached the doors of the Blue Lagoon. Then, I had just been an anxious girl, but something had come over me as soon as I entered the club. Perhaps it was just the effect of the alcohol, but I wanted to believe it was something more,
that it was something inside me that was being brought out. For the first time since I’d been with Andy, I felt alive, I felt as though anything could happen. More to the point…I felt as though I wanted something to happen. I looked around and instead of things to be afraid of, I saw possibilities. I caught glances being thrown in my direction and heat bloomed on my cheeks, for I knew they were noticing me, they were picking me out of the crowd, just as Jennifer had said would happen.
I looked over for my friend. She had been dragged to the dance floor while I had been thinking about my changing mood. I raised my hand in front of me, moving it back and forth as though I was swimming through water. The music that had once been deafening, now faded into the background of my consciousness, and my thoughts came to the forefront of my mind. I drowned in the fragments of my life. At one moment I was a little girl scampering up a hill, tripping and falling grazing my knee, then I was nervous at my first interview, as though if I didn’t get it the world would end and I’d never get a job, forever hopelessly relying on handouts from others to survive. Then it was my first date with Andy, who seemed so nice, and suddenly a lancing pain flashed through me as I felt his hands upon me, the way he squeezed my arm so tight it felt as though the skin was going to rip off, the way I could taste the fear in my mouth and I staggered back, closing my eyes, trying to push away the echo of reality that seemed to haunt me. I reached out with my hands, swatting at the empty air and I accidentally clattered into someone. They pushed me away and I was just like a bumper car, careening through the crowd, getting twisted around in the mass of hot, sweaty bodies. I looked up at the blinding flashing lights. The floor burned with the rhythm of the music and I couldn’t even hear my own heartbeat. It had been replaced by the pumping rhythm.