by Lilly Wilder
The feeling of freedom had been brief, once again replaced by panic. I found myself wanting to retreat to my home, to the only place in the world where I felt safe. After Andy I had become a recluse, not that I had ever been much of an outgoing sort before, but at least I had been able to leave the house without having a panic attack. Now I was just a mess and for every small step I took forward, it felt as though I took a hundred back, and they all led to that same place, to the void inside me, to the emptiness that had been left when Andy had taken everything.
I pushed my way through the crowd and searched for any sign of someone I knew. I needed Jennifer. I called out her name, but my voice was frail, whimpering and dwarfed by the cacophony of the music. I saw what I thought was her and reached out, but the sneer of a stranger greeted me and I was once again made to feel small, made to feel like I didn’t belong. I was gasping for air. I searched for the door, hoping that if I could just get outside I might be able to get rid of this crushing feeling in my chest, but I had been turned around. The place was a labyrinth of flesh. My throat was suddenly dry and my head spun. Could I see the music? I felt as though I was losing my mind and then, suddenly, there was a hand on me. I screamed and turned around.
“There you are!” Jennifer cried, and pulled my trembling body into her arms. I clung onto her for dear life, embarrassed at the cold sweat that trickled down my body. She didn’t seem to mind. Perhaps she hadn’t even noticed. Her eyes were glazed over, and while she tilted her head askance she didn’t ask me what was wrong, merely brought me into the circle and resumed dancing. I held her hand and looked around at the group of people I knew. They stood in a circle and all seemed to be dancing to a different rhythm, lost in their own worlds. It was a strange ritual, I thought, coming here to this club as a group, when so much time was spent alone. A few people leaned into each other to converse, but I didn’t understand how they could hear when the music drowned everything out. I stayed close to Jennifer, wary that I might get lost again and I didn’t want to go through that hell. I started moving my body, swaying it back and forth just as everyone else was, although my mind wasn’t on the movements and there was no grace at all. People buffeted me from behind and I was being pushed further and further into the shrinking space our circle had created. Glow sticks caught my eyes and I looked up at the DJ, who pumped his fist in the air, but whose eyes were firmly locked on his equipment. He was like a god dispensing commandments through music, and everyone in the club was fervent and frenzied, drinking up everything he offered them, paying tribute to him, even though he was just a shadowy, mysterious figure.
The songs blended in with each other, creating an endless stream of sound. I kept glancing towards Jennifer, making sure that I didn’t get lost again. Sometimes I caught the people around us staring at me. They probably knew what had happened. I had done my best to hide it, but word inevitably spread, and the truth always came out. I wondered what was going through their minds. Probably pity. They probably wondered how I had let it happen, why I hadn’t run away when I first saw the signs.
It hadn’t been that easy.
Then I felt an arm curl around my waist. At first I thought it was Jennifer taking care of me again, but then I realized the arm was stronger than hers, and it was covered in hair. I felt hot breath on the back of my neck and a hard body pressing into me, all his warmth and strength enveloping me like a cocoon. My first instinct was to try and wriggle away, but there wasn’t enough space to escape. The wall of bodies in front of me offered no relief, so I was forced to endure the shield around me, and I found that I began to enjoy it.
The strength was comforting. The feeling of protectiveness washed over me, and I couldn’t resist the way it felt. I closed my eyes and found myself pressing back, enjoying the security that came with his arm around my waist. It was the first time I had been close to a man since Andy, and somehow, in this place with so many other people around, it seemed okay. The sense of intimacy was lost because we were surrounded by so many people, but so too, was the vulnerability I thought I would feel. A spark was lit inside me, a spark that became a powerful flame, and I was suddenly seized with an all new feeling, a feeling that the only way I could exorcise the ghosts of the past was to fling myself into the future and embrace the uncertainty, to force myself to move on, rather than languish in the abyss of my fear.
His hand slipped and squeezed my waist. An involuntary rush of breath burst from my throat. My body arched back and then he was turning me around. My arms reached around his neck. It all seemed so natural, so effortless, and I realized that Jennifer had been right. I did need to throw myself into life, so I tilted my head up and parted my lips. I could barely tell what he looked like. Right now, all I wanted was to feel the shadow of affection and a hint of all that had been taken from me. I moaned as I closed my eyes and felt his arms wrap around me, holding me tightly, running over my exposed flesh. Heat rose within me and, in that moment, I thought that everything was possible.
Then it was ripped away from me, again, this time by the person who I thought I could trust the most.
Chapter Three
My lips ached from the force that this stranger had kissed me with. I staggered back, as Jennifer pushed herself in between the two of us. I furrowed my brow and, suddenly, there seemed to be much more space on the dance floor, as people began to filter away from Jennifer’s animated gesticulations. I composed myself, and scowled, ashamed of all the attention that was on me. The man I had kissed pointed at me and shook his head. I couldn’t make out what they were saying. I composed myself, and walked up beside Jennifer, trying to glean some sense from her. I caught her arm, as she was flailing it wildly, shooing the man away, and she was surprised when she saw me. She glared at me. The man turned his back, and slunk into the crowd, disappearing from view.
“What did you do that for?” I yelled, even though I knew Jennifer couldn’t hear me. She shook her head and pointed to the exit, which I could now see clearly. After experiencing what the club had to offer I wasn’t sure I was ready to leave, but I wilted under the force of Jennifer’s gaze.
After the minor disruption, the crowed filled in the gaps that had been left, and it was as though nothing had happened, as though I had been a ghost just passing through this place, and left no trace. Nothing remained.
I sullenly followed Jennifer out of the club and the cold night air hit us like a wall of ice. Inside it had been so hot, sweat caked my body, but out here the world seemed big again, big and open, where the wind swirled around and taunted my flesh. To our left was a barricaded area where the smokers all stood, a haze of smoke rising in the air like a large cloud. Their chatter was a refreshing sound, although the beat of the music still hammered against my ear drums, and I wondered if it would ever go away.
“I did it for your own good,” Jennifer said. We were ushered away by the gatekeepers. The two strong men evidently didn’t want anyone loitering around their area. They were silent guardians, strong and tall. The area they guarded was now devoid of people. The long line that had snaked round the corner of the building, had long since made its way into the club, eaten up and squeezed in, and now the two men stood with watchful gazes, waiting for any trouble, confident in their ability to take care of anything that happened.
We moved a few feet away from them and then stopped.
“What the hell do you mean ‘my own good’?” I shrieked. Since my ears were still ringing, I raised my voice a few decibels louder than it really needed to be. Jennifer pinched the bridge of her nose and huffed. She looked tired.
“This isn’t your world, okay? There are some things you don’t know about.”
“Like what? I don’t get this Jennifer. First of all you tell me that I should let loose and just enjoy the feeling of being close with someone again, then when it happens you pull me away! What the hell do I have to do? What went wrong? Did you have your eye on him? Is that what this is about; are you just jealous that someone might actu
ally prefer me to you?”
“What? No! Why would you even say that?” Jennifer asked, taken aback. If I had been in a more rational state of mind, I might have seen how confused she was, but I was already on a roll and the words spilled out of me as though they were coming from an overturned truck.
“Ever since we’ve known each other, you’ve been the pretty, lucky one, and I’ve been the one that everyone looks at and thinks, ‘oh yes, she deserves better. I wonder when her luck is going to change’. But what they don’t realize is that a lot of the time my bad luck is down to you!”
“What do you mean? I haven’t done anything to you?” Jennifer’s terse voice cut clear through the still night air. A few of the smokers turned their heads to look at us, amused and intrigued by these two strangers arguing. The two gatekeepers stood impassively and didn’t seem to take much interest in anything.
“You’ve never had to do anything to me. It just happens naturally. You’re the good looking, charming one. People gravitate towards you. In a choice between me and you, why would they promote me? And whenever guys are concerned, they always see you first. It was even the same with Andy.”
“Well, you shouldn’t let his judgment sway you. It’s not like he’s a good barometer for sense,” Jennifer rolled her eyes and folded her arms across her chest. “But is that what this is really about, are you just pissed that you didn’t get the promotion? I thought you were happy for me?”
“I am! But that doesn’t mean I can’t be angry for myself either. I worked hard for that promotion Jennifer, and we both know that my quality of work and my attitude is better than yours, plus I really needed this after all the shit that’s been happening in my life and you had to just swan in and take it away from me so effortlessly. All you have to do is smile and the world gets handed to you on a platter.”
“You know that’s not true.”
I did know it, and afterwards I would always hate myself for saying that, but in that moment I didn’t care about the truth. I only cared about the feelings raging inside my heart, about all the anger that was bubbling forth, and it wasn’t even just anger at Jennifer; she was only a part of it. It was all the anger that had been boiling inside since Andrew, all the anger that had been there when I felt slighted in whatever capacity, and it just so happened that Jennifer was in the wrong place and the wrong time to feel the full brunt of all of it.
“Christ, Jennifer! What do I have to do? I stay at home and it’s wrong, I come out and I do the wrong thing, I go to work and people just want me to keep doing the same job forever, I think about the past and I almost crumble under the weight of it all, I think about the future and I retreat in fear of taking any kind of risk, so then I come out and I start to feel something with a guy and then you end it. You stop it. You take something away from me. I’m tired of everyone taking something away! Why can’t I just be given something for once? Why can’t the world just cut me a break? I never wanted to come out tonight. You were the one who forced me, and now you’re the one who wants to put me back in a cage.”
I swung my arm up so abruptly, I almost wrenched it out of my socket. I marched past Jennifer, purposefully bashing into her shoulder, and I ignored the pain that lingered after the impact. I didn’t care what she had to say for herself or what kind of explanation she had to offer. All I cared about was getting away from her. She was just holding me back. Life was better alone, I decided.
Jennifer called out after me.
“Where are you going? Ellie! Don’t just walk away. Come back here damn it. I’m not just going to let you walk into the night like this.”
I didn’t look back. I just waved goodbye and huffed, walking past the smokers. I breathed in the musky scent of their cigarettes. I’d never smoked myself, but I liked the smell. I walked around the corner of the building, and then I stopped, pressing myself against the wall, running my hands through my hair. I groaned as I bent down and felt nausea rise within me. I hated conflict, and most of all I hated arguing with Jennifer, but it seemed as though it always happened. I just didn’t understand why she pulled that guy away from me.
*
As soon as I was away from her my anger faded, and I felt ashamed that I had said those things. I peeked around the corner, and saw her still waiting there. She twisted her head left and right, trying to see me, but I was obscured by the smoke. Part of me wanted to go up to her and apologize, but I was too ashamed, and I was afraid that we would just explode into an argument again. I wondered how long she was going to wait there. Then, the others emerged from the club and they surrounded her. She resisted them at first, still looking for me. She was a good friend, but even she wasn’t going to wait forever, and she eventually moved away towards the taxis.
When she left I walked back to the front of the club and shivered. It was strange to see everyone in this context again. They walked away, happy, having released their inhibitions inside the Blue Lagoon, now ready to return to their normal lives. These people were bankers and students, and teachers and administrators, but for a few hours this evening they had been wild, abandoned souls, and I had been one of them. It may not have led where I thought it would, but I told myself I should be proud of what I had accomplished. Despite my panicked moments, I thought it did me better than staying inside with the comfort of familiar films.
I was about to walk away, when a man caught my eye as he left The Blue Lagoon. He stopped as he saw me and smiled. He had sandy-brown hair, and a warm smile, as he approached me.
“Your friend isn’t going to come and wrestle me away again, is she?” he asked.
I arched an eyebrow. “I don’t think so. She went home. Sorry about that. I don’t know what came over her.”
He shrugged. “She was probably just being protective. I’m Howie,” he reached out a hand and I took it. It was warm and strong, and I felt a flush as he squeezed mine, just as he had squeezed my waist earlier. It was strange to hear his name. It made him more real, more substantial. We weren’t just two bodies in the club anymore, we were actual people, with actual lives and our paths had crossed in this one moment.
“Ellie,” I said.
“What a pretty name. Would you care to walk with me?” I didn’t have anywhere else to go, and I didn’t want to be alone either. It felt as though I was being given a second chance to be adventurous, and this time Jennifer wasn’t there to hold me back. I could take this step, even if she thought I wasn’t ready. I could finally have something that she couldn’t, so I accepted his offer, and we walked back the way I had just come from. He spoke of the club and his night; how he had arrived with a group of friends but they had split up, and how I was the prettiest girl in the club, and the only one he had danced with. It was all nice to hear, and flattering for my ego, but I didn’t believe a word of it. I was quite sure he had practiced that line on dozens of other girls.
I smiled politely, as we turned the corner, and suddenly, the world seemed different. With the main street out of view, it became a silent world, a world of loneliness and melancholy. A pipe dripped down, the drops splashing against the cold concrete. A cat squawked, and from an open window the soft murmur of a television could be heard. The conversation between the two of us suddenly died, and I wondered why I had come down this alley with this strange man.
Then he turned, and pinned me up against the wall, kissing me roughly. It wasn’t like it had been in the club. That had been tender, almost romantic. This was something else. I writhed and struggled, trying to free my arms from his pincer grip. I groaned and managed to twist my head away, gulping in a lungful of air.
“Come on Ellie, we were having fun in the club. We’re just picking up from where we left off,” he whispered. His words were like needles in my ear. Fear flooded me, and my heart crashed against my rib cage. I summoned all my strength to try and break free. I stamped on his foot, and used the distraction to stumble away, but my balance was off, and I had to try and steady myself. He recovered quickly, an
d I heard the stamping footsteps behind me. I could feel him clawing at the air, as he tried to get his grip on me. I was out of reach, but not for long. I yelped, as I felt his hands tug at my dress, as his fingers curled around a few strands of my hair, and pulled me back like a doll. My momentum was halted, and fear crawled down my throat once again, I couldn’t let this happen again. I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t be at the mercy of another man, to have his marks on my body. I screamed, and then a hand clamped around my mouth, silencing me.
“If you want to struggle fine, it’s just going to make it more fun for me,” Howie said. His breath hissed through his teeth, and he twisted me around, my arms were over my head, obscuring my vision. I saw nothing but darkness and expected the worst. It seemed so wrong that we were in the middle of the city, with a thousand eyes around us, and yet, this could still happen. It was one thing to be at the mercy of someone you know, of someone who had wormed their way into your heart, and lied to you since the first day you had met, who had built up a façade to fool you, until the day they stripped their costume away, and revealed their real, malevolent self. By then it was too late to fight back. The damage had been done. Resistance had been eroded away, and all that was left was just to take it, and hope that they left some fragment of your soul behind.
It was another thing to be attacked by a stranger, to be blitzed by the sudden flurry of violence. I should have been more careful, and I felt stupid for ever getting it into my head that I could do something, like meet a random guy at a club and give myself to him. Now I was going to pay the price again, and I didn’t know how I was going to cope with it all. Pain blazed on my scalp, as he grabbed my hair. I whimpered, and struggled for breath as he led me to the wall, and then, suddenly, he stopped.
“Oh, fuck,” he said. “That’s not possible. That’s not…what are you?” At first I had no idea to what he was referring, but then a familiar voice filled the alley in its low rumble.