Mr. Right

by J. S. Cooper

  “What are you thinking about?” His words interrupt my thoughts and I look up at him with a small smile.

  “Not much, you?” I said, hoping my voice wasn’t going to crack. “Just waiting to see what you were going to say.”

  “Just thinking about how I’d love to take a trip somewhere.”

  “Oh?” I said, wondering if he was going to mention taking me on the trip with him. I could feel my heart starting to rise. Maybe this was it. Maybe this was the moment.

  “Yeah, I feel like I need a break.” He nodded. “Someplace for me to just relax.” He grinned. “A relaxation vacation.”

  “Aww, I see. Sounds nice.” My heart dropped again. It didn’t seem like he was making a suggestion for the both of us.

  “Yeah.” He nodded again. “You should try it sometime. You might find you like it as well. Might make you feel less stressed out.”

  “Yeah, I will,” I said, trying to look normal. “I’m not stressed out, by the way.”

  “Well, you seem to be stressed out.” He gave me a look. “Maybe a vacation will do you good.”

  “Yeah,” I snapped, “I will think about it.” I was starting to feel angry, at both him and myself for letting him put me through this.

  “Hey, no need to snap my head off.”

  “I’m not. It’s fine. I’m just tired. Maybe you should go soon.”

  “Are you asking me to leave?”

  “Yeah, I kinda am,” I said, looking away from him, starting to feel cold again. I didn’t want to feel this feeling. I didn’t want to feel this hurt. I didn’t want to feel this emptiness. I was sitting here with him, but I felt like I was alone. I felt like I was the most alone I’d ever been in my life. So, so alone. I just wanted him to leave so I could go to my room, lock the door, and cry my eyes out. I had to not see him anymore. I had to cut him out of my life for good. I felt a stabbing in my gut at the thought. How was I going to do this? It would be like ripping a piece of myself out. I didn’t know if I could do it. I didn’t know if I could, but I knew I had to. I couldn’t live like this anymore. I couldn’t continue staring into his big blue eyes and wishing he would feel something different for me. It was never going to change. And I was fool for thinking it would. I was a fool for thinking I would ever mean anything real to him.

  “Are you upset with me?”

  “No, why would I be upset?” I just stared at him blankly.

  “If this isn’t working out for you…” His voice trailed off and he looked at me uncomfortably.

  “Is it working out for you?”

  “Do you regret dumping Pierce for me?”

  “What do you think?” I snapped, annoyed, wondering if it was always going to come back to Pierce.

  “I don’t know.” He shrugged. “But you seem unhappy with me.”

  “My being unhappy has nothing to do with Pierce.” I sighed, my voice getting louder. Was he being deliberately obtuse?

  “Do we have an underlying issue here?” He pursed his lips and his eyes narrowed as he looked at me. I could feel my body alternating between hot and cold. Did he really not get it? “If we do, maybe we need to change something,” he continued.

  “Change what?” I could hear the slight panic in my voice.

  “I don’t know.” He shrugged. “But you want me to leave?”

  “I don’t get you, Evan. I don’t know what you want from me. I don’t know how you feel. I don’t know what this is.”

  “Do you think I’m leading you on?” he said, his eyes boring into mine in a cold way. “Do you think I’m playing with your feelings?”

  “No.” My face went bright red and felt incredibly hot.

  “Because I don’t want you to think that. You know where I’m coming from.” His voice sounded cold and mean, and I was starting to feel hate towards him.

  “I know where you’re coming from and I know where I’m coming from,” I said. “This is just for fun, I know that.”

  “Do you really, though?” His eyes searched mine and his face looked slightly red.

  “Yes.” I bit down on my lower lip and looked away for a few seconds. I didn’t understand how we could go from loving to contentious in mere hours. I didn’t understand the game he was playing with me.

  “Look, I have to go.” He looked at his watch. “I have plans tonight.”

  “Sure you do.” I stood up and walked towards the doorway. “Bye.”

  “Really, Jess?” He walked over to me and stopped. “It’s going to be like this?”

  “Just go,” I said as I walked to the front door. I could hear him walking behind me, but he didn’t say anything. “Just tell me one thing,” I said to him as I opened the front door.

  “Yes?” His face looked sad, and I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to hold my tears back for another second.

  “Have you been going on dates while you’ve been seeing me?” I asked softly. “And are you going on a date tonight?”

  “What are you talking about?” he asked, sounding annoyed.

  “I looked at your phone when you were texting today. I saw the screen. I saw the photo. I saw the text.” I shrugged.

  “You invaded my privacy?”

  “Not on purpose.” I shook my head.

  “You were in my personal space and you read my personal text messages?” he snapped.

  “It wasn’t like that.” I shook my head. “You’re twisting it.”

  “I don’t appreciate you in my space and business, Jess.” He sounded angry.

  “Really? You’re going to twist this on me and make this my fault?” My jaw fell open. “Are you joking?”

  “What do you want me to say?”

  “Answer my question,” I snapped. “Are you dating other women?”

  “We’re not dating, Jess,” he said in an angry voice. “I can do what I want. But to answer your question, yes, I have been on dates.”

  “I see.” I stared at him, all blood draining from my face, all emotion leaving my heart and I felt like I just wanted to die. Having it all confirmed made me feel sick to my stomach. I truly was a fool.

  “You should be dating as well,” he said as he looked at me. “Go on lots and lots of dates.”

  “I’m going to. I’m going to go on plenty of dates and I hope to meet a nice guy,” I said, my heart breaking. “Bye.” I stared at him and then the doorway.

  “Bye,” he said slowly as he walked through the door. I slammed it behind him and ran to my bedroom, fell on my bed and started crying immediately. I couldn’t believe the words he had said to me and how shitty he had made me feel. Worse than that was the fact that he didn’t even seem to care that he’d been cutting and hurtful. He didn’t seem to care that he was breaking my heart. How could he so nonchalantly tell me to date other guys? I hated him. Absolutely hated him. I whipped out my phone and sent him a long text message. I hate you. I never want to see you again. I don’t consider you a good friend. Or a possible boyfriend. You don’t deserve to be in my life. I’m over this bullshit. I’ve wasted my energy investing in this situation. I’ve been an idiot. I hate you so much. I’m done.

  I pressed send and then cried into my pillow some more. I kept pressing my phone to see if he’d responded, but there was no reply. That made me angrier and even more hurt and I threw my phone across the room and heard it slam into the wall before it crashed to the floor. I grabbed my pillow to my face and sobbed harder, feeling like my heart was being wrenched out of my chest. I heard a beep from my phone and jumped up off the bed, my heart racing as I went to check my messages, praying it was from him. Praying that my messages had scared him to his senses. Praying that now he would say he was sorry. That he didn’t want to date anyone. That he only wanted to be with me. I prayed that he was going to ask, going to beg, if he could come back and talk to me. I picked up the phone and my heart sank when I saw the text from my credit card company telling me that my payment had gone through. There was no text message from Evan. I looked back at my message to make s
ure I had hit send. I had. I powered the phone on and off, just in case, and then stared at it as it powered back on, hoping a new beep would come. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I walked back to my bed slowly, feeling depressed and sad, and fell back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling, my hand on my phone. I checked the screen incessantly, waiting for his response, yet nothing came.

  I must have fallen asleep because a beeping at 4 a.m. made me wake up. My eyes flew open and I glanced at my phone. I saw Evan’s name and I looked away from the phone for a few seconds as my heart raced and I felt nervous. What was he going to say to my text? Was he going to say what I wanted him to say? I took a deep breath and opened the text and my heart sank at his reply: Ok. I think that’s for the best. That was it. That was bloody it. He didn’t care at all. Not one iota. He didn’t care. The tears started up again. And I threw my phone again, not caring if it broke or not. “I hate you,” I screamed into the night air of my room. “I hate you.” The tears streamed down my face and I punched my pillow, wanting to hurt something or someone as badly as I was feeling hurt inside. Evan’s face flashed into my mind and sadness filled me. “Why couldn’t you just love me?” I whispered to myself and then fear overwhelmed me. My feelings were so extreme. I was acting crazy and it scared me. Why was I feeling so, so hurt? Why was this affecting me so much? Was something wrong with me? Was it normal to love someone this much, even though we’d never really had a relationship? It scared me that I was so upset and hurt. But I couldn’t ignore the emptiness in my heart. I couldn’t ignore the fact that I felt like things in my life were never going to be right again. I couldn’t ignore the feeling that I loved Evan with everything that I had, and knowing he didn’t feel the same made me want to sink into a hole and disappear.

  Chapter 20

  Jess

  Hi, I miss you. I want to talk to you. I want to call you. I want to text you, but I can't. I can't because I'm weak and I need to let you go, but it's hard because I love you. And I don't know how to stop. It's killing me inside. All I think about is you. You have every part of my heart. You have every part of me. I don't know how to let you go. I don't know how to stop the pain. I just want to close my eyes and imagine you here with me. I think I'm going to drive myself crazy. I think I've already driven myself crazy. My heart feels weak. My eyes are dry from crying so many tears. I feel empty without you and I can't even tell you.

  Hi, I wrote you a letter today. I wrote you a letter to get it all out. I thought it would help. I thought it would make me feel better. I thought it would let me feel like everything is going to be okay. But it didn’t. It didn’t at all. It made me feel crazier. Why do I love you so much? It doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make sense that I would feel so betrayed. So sad. So angry. So undeniably confused and lost. Do you even think of me? Do I cross your mind, ever?

  Hi, a part of me feels like you’re my soul mate. A part of me feels like the reason why I fell for you from the beginning is because we were made for each other. But then I think about what you said to me. And I think about the lies you told me and I think I’m wrong. I don’t know why you didn’t care enough. I don’t know why you didn’t love me. I don’t think we can ever really know? I don’t know. I just don’t understand why I can you love you so much and you can feel nothing. I miss you.

  Hi, I’m so mad at you. You haven’t called me. You haven’t texted me. How can you treat me like this? How can I mean so little to you? I want to send these messages so badly. I want to see you. I want you to want to see me. Why don’t you want to see me? Why don’t you want to talk to me? Did I mean so little to you? How could I mean so little to you? I don’t understand. I just don’t understand.

  Hi, I thought about you today. I wondered if you hated me because I made you hate yourself because of what you did to Pierce. We all make mistakes. Neither one of us was in the right. I wish you would call me. I miss you. This feels like it’s someone else’s life. I can barely go ten minutes without thinking of you and trying to call you. Why won’t you contact me? Please.

  Hi, I haven’t sent any of these messages and I’m not going to send them. I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying not to cry every morning and every night. I’m trying to get over it and you. I joined a dating app. I hate it. I hate making small talk, but I know I need to get out there. I need to meet a guy. I need to meet someone that will get my mind off of you. It’s not like we had anything, but it makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel like we will definitely never be together if I start dating, but then I think about what you said. You want me to date. You want to date. You don’t care. And if you don’t care, why should I?

  Hi, it’s been three weeks and still no word from you. I can’t believe that I ever thought you were the one. I can’t believe that I thought that I loved you. Obviously this isn’t true love. This is nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I’m done. I’m over you. I miss you. And you will never know. You’ll never know because you don’t care.

  Hi Evan,

  I wanted to see how you’re doing. I wrote you a bunch of messages, but I didn’t send them. I hope this finds you well. I just wanted to reach out and say that there are no hard feelings. I just wanted to be honest about where I was coming from. You really hurt me. You made me feel like we had something special and ultimately, I ended up feeling used and like you didn’t care. I know we weren’t in a relationship, but still I felt like you could have been more respectful of my feelings. I put a lot into my time with you and I just felt like you didn’t care. I just needed to get this out. I needed to let you know. I’m sorry if I acted crazy. I’m sorry if you felt like I invaded your privacy the day I glanced at your phone. I didn’t mean to do that. I just looked down and saw it. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry it came to this. And I’m kind of upset that I had to be the one to reach out. I really thought I would have heard from you by now. You really hurt my feelings and I’m not sure how you could do that and be okay with that. But I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I just wanted to be honest.

  Jess

  I hit send and immediately regretted it. It had been a month of no contact and I hated that I was the weak one. Hated that I couldn’t just move on. Hated that I’d sent an email that made me look pitiful. Hated that he would know how much I cared. I hated it, yet, I was still hopeful. I was hopeful that he’d respond. I was hopeful that he’d apologize. Feel bad. Something.

  After two days of no response. All hope left me once again and I deleted his number from my phone and tried not to jump every time a message came through.

  Chapter 21

  Evan

  There’s something I wish she would understand. I wish she would understand that I never meant to hurt her. I never intended for her to fall for me. I never intended for her to fall in love with me. I never wanted that. I didn’t see myself in a relationship. I didn’t see myself in a relationship with her, especially. Not with how our relationship had started. I hadn’t counted on her falling for my wit and charm as deeply as she had. No other woman had been able to put up with me and all of my quirks before; not that I had cared. I was stuck in my ways. That was why Pierce and I had been so immature for so long. I was a pompous arrogant jerk. That’s what most women said about me, and they weren’t wrong. I didn’t care that I came across that way. I didn’t generally care if women became too invested, but this was different. She was different. I didn’t want to hurt her. I hadn’t wanted to break her heart. I didn’t want her to become invested in me at all. I wished she would understand that. I wished she would realize that though this started as a game to me, I didn’t think of it as a game. It had just all gotten out of hand. And feelings were hurt. I almost wish I could go back to the beginning. If I could go back, there were many, many things I would change. Many things I’d try to make right. Many things I’d do differently. But hindsight is fifty-fifty and life never seems to go according to plan.