by J. S. Cooper
I knew I had screwed up royally when Jess kicked me out of her apartment that day. I had deliberately been flirting and texting with other women in front of her. I had wanted her to confront me. I had wanted her to get rid of me. I’d known that would be the easiest thing. The best way to extricate myself from the situation without having to tell her the truth. I wasn’t sure why I’d thought that would be the best way. I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t just told her about the lies. I guess I’d been too scared. Scared of her reaction and then scared of what would happen next. I wasn’t really sure what I’d wanted to happen between us.
I tried to call Jess exactly once and she hadn’t picked up the phone, so I knew she was really upset. So I’d decided to wait for her to text me or email me. But she hadn’t. She hadn’t called or texted. Being ignored by Jess infuriated me and almost made me go crazy. I wasn’t sure why it affected me so badly. I wasn’t sure what she wanted from me. She had expectations that I wasn’t sure I could fulfil. Everything had gotten out of hand and I knew that had been my fault. I had given her the talk that I normally gave women when I thought they were falling for me. I would let them know I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I never wanted to find myself confined to a relationship or another person. I didn’t need that intimacy or bond to exist. Didn’t need it. Didn’t crave it. And certainly didn’t want it. I didn’t want anyone relying on me for emotional stability or support. I knew I wasn’t able to give a woman the attention she would want. It had never worked in the past and I knew it was unlikely to work in the future. No part of me had changed that much and no part of me wanted to change. It was just how it was. Granted I’d never met anyone like Jess before. Never had someone made me feel truly guilty and worried about their feelings and if they were mad at me. I knew she was something special, someone special, but I didn’t know exactly what that meant in a situation like this. What could I have said to her that wouldn’t seem like a false promise or too much hope? I wasn’t really sure. I wanted her to know I cared for her. I really and truly did, but I hadn’t known if I had any deeper feelings for her and I hadn’t known if I wanted to have deeper feelings, either. She wasn’t the sort of woman I would have chosen for myself. I certainly didn’t want to fall into her spell. I didn’t want to fall in love. Love was a foolish man’s game. And I was no fool. I didn’t love her and I didn’t want her to fall in love with me, either. I felt like I had no real solutions to the quandary I was in. I was annoyed that she was ignoring me. I missed her. I wanted to know what she was doing, but I didn’t want to reach out because I didn’t want her to see that as an indication that I was willing to give her more than I could. It pained my physically to think that I was hurting her, that in some way, her heart ached due to what I’d done to her, but it scared me more to think about having to commit to her. Having to spend the rest of my life with her, trying to make her happy. It made me want to throw up. It was something I couldn’t do. I couldn’t be that man in her life. I wasn’t the guy to give her the happily ever after. I wasn’t the guy to give her promises of sunsets and rainbows and black stallions riding off down the beach. And I didn’t want her to think that I could be that guy for her. I didn’t want her to think that I could be her Mr. Right. I was definitely not a Mr. Right. I was a Mr. Wrong. Wrong for her. Wrong for a lifetime. Wrong for many reasons. I didn’t want her like that. And yet…yet sometimes I couldn’t think, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t even muster up the energy to watch TV or read a book because my mind was focused on her and what she’s been doing and what she’s thinking and where she’s been. Sometimes I’m so overwhelmed by thoughts of her that it scares me. It scares me that I care so much. It scares me that I think about her so often. I honestly don’t understand why. I don’t know why she’s in my head. Sometimes I feel like she’s bewitched me. I know my best bet is to find another woman, bed another, maybe multiple others, and have them take over that spot in my mind. I know that most women knew the score. And I also knew that most women didn’t affect me like this. I didn’t like not being in control. I didn’t like feeling like my head was going to places that I didn’t want it to go to. I didn’t like going to bed thinking of her and waking up thinking of her and dreaming of her. I didn’t want her in my life like that. I didn’t want anyone in my life like that. I was too old, too jaded, too comfortable in my own inertia to have someone that deeply in my life. I didn’t want anyone in my life who was going to consume me. I didn’t want anyone in my life who was going to make me forget where I ended and they began. Love was a young man's game. And it wasn’t for me. I knew that it was best for me to just let Jess go. I knew that I could go on and she could go on and we’d both survive. She’d probably find true love, a guy who would love her and adore her and she’d forget me. And that stung. It stung hard. It made me feel like I couldn’t breathe. Worse still, it made me feel like I didn’t want to breathe. Like I didn’t want to go on. And there was nothing worse than that. I didn’t even like to think of her with someone else. Didn’t like to think of her smiling, or touching another man. It made me want to kill something or someone. I knew that wasn’t a good sign. I knew that that likely meant I was already in deeper than I thought and would have hoped, but that was why I was staying away. As long as I didn’t fall any deeper. It had started off so lighthearted and fun. We had both known the score. This was never meant to be anything, but some kinky fun. Even though our attraction had been immediate, it hadn’t been anything serious or achingly deep.
I had wanted Jess to stop ignoring me. Until I’d gotten her message. Her message reeked of her hurt and pain and it hurt me every time I read it. And I’d read it at least twenty times now. Not that I’d responded yet. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to respond. I just wanted to talk to her. See her. Touch her. I just wanted to be with her on my terms, but I knew she wasn’t really interested in that. I knew she’d been ignoring me because she was upset with me. I knew the only way to stop her from being upset was to utter some sort of declaration of love or commitment that I didn’t really want to express at this time, or ever. I didn’t want to lead her on. Even though my heart ached for her. Even though a part of me wanted to tell her that I wanted to reach up and pull down every star for her. That I wanted to name every flower after her. That I wanted to sing songs and play riffs and dedicate poems to her. I wanted to tell her that she was always in my thoughts, even when I didn’t want her to be. Even when I was trying hard to think of something or someone else. She was always there, in the back of my mind. She was everything to me, yet she was nothing. She had to be nothing. If she became more, I wasn’t sure what I’d do. I wasn’t sure how I’d function if I became totally consumed by and with her. I didn’t want her to be in my thoughts all of the time. I wanted to regain control. I didn’t want her to consume every aspect of my life. I couldn’t afford to be heartbroken and incomplete. Not again. I couldn’t risk being broken because I wasn’t sure I’d ever get over the pain of losing someone like her once I’d completely possessed her. I wasn’t sure that I’d ever be able to live if she was no longer in my life in some way.
I was scared in a way that I’d never been before. I didn’t want to respond to her. I didn’t want to tell her the truth. Yet, I knew that I had to. I couldn’t leave everything like this. I couldn’t leave her in this pain. I had to be honest with her. Even if that meant she was going to hate me even more. I just needed to see her one more time. I wasn’t sure if I was making a mistake, but I had to reach out to her. I knew I had to do it.
Dear Jess,
I think we should meet up and talk in person, if you’re up for it. I hope you’ve been well. I’ve been thinking of you. Let me know if you’re free this weekend. I can be available at any time of the day on either Saturday or Sunday.
Evan
I pressed send and waited, hoping that she would respond and would want to see me soon. Though, I had no idea what I was going to say. Absolutely no idea at all.
Chapter 22
E
van
I never knew that waiting for someone to arrive could be so nerve-wracking. I never knew that I could feel such excitement and fear at the same time. I’d never considered myself an anxious person. Never thought that I could be someone who would have my feelings dictated by someone else, but waiting for Jess to arrive at the park so that we could talk made me feel nervous as heck. I wasn’t sure what she was expecting. I wasn’t sure what she was going to say. If she still hated me. If she never wanted to see me again after today. Maybe she hated me already. It had taken her over a week to respond to my message. A week that had left me feeling like I didn’t know what I was going to do with my life if she didn’t want to respond. I felt gutted inside, gutted and nervous and guilty as heck. I had no idea what she was going to say or how she was going to react. I had no idea what she was going to think. I had no idea what I even wanted. I mean, in my heart of hearts, I knew, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. How could I admit it to myself? How could I want something with her after everything I’d done? It also wasn’t in my nature to want a relationship. I wasn’t sure I was the sort of guy who could be a good boyfriend. I wasn’t sure that I was the sort of guy who could make her happy, at the end of the day. I wasn’t sure she’d ever really trust me. And why would she? I wasn’t a good guy. I wasn’t someone that I’d want her to date. Though I didn’t want her to date anyone else. It killed me to think that perhaps she was dating someone else. It killed me that maybe she’d kissed someone else. I couldn’t even think about her sleeping with someone else. I’d kill him. I sighed. My stomach was in knots as I stood there. I was annoyed at myself that I’d played the games with her. Killed me that I’d hurt her by saying I was dating other girls and texting other women as if she didn’t matter. The fact of the matter was that I hadn’t seen anyone else since I’d met her. Hadn’t wanted to see anyone. Hadn’t wanted to kiss another woman. Hadn’t even thought of another woman like that. But she wasn’t to know that. I could barely believe it myself, and I knew that Pierce was disgusted with me. But much in the way that I was disgusted with him. I couldn’t believe that we’d been friends for such a long time. I couldn’t believe that we’d been such assholes. Now that I was finally over those games, I realized how immature and hurtful we’d really been. I felt ashamed of myself and I felt ashamed that I’d taught my fraternity brothers those tricks as well. We were disrespectful to women and I couldn’t believe that I actually believed that now. I knew that no one else wanted to hear about it. I knew that Pierce thought I was a fool and he didn’t even know how badly I had fallen for Jess. He didn’t even know that a part of me thought that I might be in love with her, but that was because a part of me didn’t even want to recognize that as a possibility. How could I have fallen in love with this woman that I barely knew? It was like a punishment for being such a horrible human being.
“Hi.” Her voice, soft, was right in front of me. I looked up and stared into her big brown eyes.
“Hi,” I said back to her, feeling a wash of emotions in my stomach that I had never felt before. “How are you?” I asked her, staring into her eyes, wondering what she was feeling, feeling more insecure about meeting with a woman than I’d ever felt in my life.
“I’m good. How are you?” She gave me a small smile, the emotion not quite reaching her eyes, which I noticed looked bloodshot and red.
“Pretty good,” I lied, wanting to tease her and say something to make the situation less awkward but not knowing what to say. What could I say in this situation to make it better?
“Good.” She nodded her head and looked away. She was playing with her shirt and I could tell she was nervous. I wondered if she could tell how nervous I was as well. Wondered if she knew that I’d spent the last month feeling like shit and wondering how she was doing.
“You’re looking well,” I said to her as I looked over her body, my body feeling warm and my mind wanting to know if another man had touched her since she’d last been with me.
“Thanks, you too,” she said as she glanced at me again and looked me over. “You got a haircut?”
“Yeah.” I nodded.
“It makes you look younger,” she said and gave me a small smile. “No one would ever guess you were old enough to be Pierce’s dad, ever.” She laughed as she gazed at me and shook her head. “I honestly would never have guessed.”
“Yeah,” I said and I took a deep breath. “I need to talk to you about that.”
“Oh?” She cocked her head to the side and looked at me curiously. “What did you want to talk about? Not Pierce again?”
“No, well, kinda.” I made a face and she looked annoyed. I put my hand up and sighed. “It’s not what you think. I need to tell you some stuff.”
“Oh?” She licked her lips nervously. “What do you need to tell me??”
“This is going to be hard,” I said and let out a deep breath. “Shall we take a walk?”
“I guess.” She shrugged, looking confused. “If that’s what you want?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “It might come out easier.”
“Okay,” she said and we started walking in silence. I stared at the pebbles in front of me and wondered why it was so hard for me to bring everything up. I just needed to get it out.
“First off, I need to apologize for our last meeting. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry about the words that I said. I was mean and I hate that I was that person to you.”
“It’s okay,” she said softly, and I shook my head.
“No, it wasn’t. I read your email. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry that I made you feel like you didn’t matter. I’m sorry that I made you feel like I didn’t care. I’m sorry that I put you in that mental state.”
“It’s fine.” She shrugged. “It was my own fault. You were right. I needed to just start dating. I needed to put myself out there. I was too reliant on you and being with you and that wasn’t fair to you. That wasn’t fair to have those expectations of you. I’m sorry for wanting more from you than you were willing to give.”
“I’m sorry that I couldn’t be that man for you,” I said, starting to feel annoyed. “So are you dating someone now?”
“I’m going on dates, yes,” she said softly, and I felt my heart drop and I could feel my stomach churning.
“Oh?” That was not the answer that I’d wanted to hear. I wanted to ask what sort of dates and how serious. And what they’d done and if she cared about them. I wanted to know if she thought of me when she kissed them, but I didn’t want to ask. I didn’t want to ask because I didn’t really want to know the answers. I didn’t want to hear that she was kissing them and not thinking of them. I didn’t want to hear that she was interested in someone else. I didn’t want to know. Not if the answer was something that would make me feel like shit.
“That’s not why you wanted to meet though?” She licked her lips nervously, and I took a deep breath.
“No, it’s not. Want to sit?” I pointed to a patch of grass to the right of us and then looked over at her.
“Sure.” She nodded and we walked over to the grass and sat down and faced each other.
“So…” I said, and my voice drifted off.
“So…” she said, staring at me, her face a mask.
“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you,” I started again and then started to laugh. My frat brothers would not believe the guy sitting here on the grass with Jess. This wasn’t me. I wasn’t unsure of myself. I wasn’t uncomfortable. I was never at a loss for words. Especially not with women. I was the king with women. I had the gift of gab. I knew exactly what to say and when. I knew exactly what they wanted. My frat brothers used to come to me when they wanted help bagging a girl. I was the man. I had no idea when now I couldn’t get the words out at all. I had no idea why I felt like I was going to mess everything up if I said the wrong words.
“Yeah, it has.” She nodded and looked away from me.
“So, I need to tell you something really important,” I started
again. “Something that might make you hate me even more than you already hate me. Something that might make you think I’m a jerk. Or a bastard. Or whatever. And you wouldn’t be wrong for having those feelings. I just want you to know that I’m ashamed of myself. Before I even say anything, before I tell you everything, I want you to know that I’m ashamed of myself. I regret everything, and if I could take it back I would. I truly would.”
“You’re scaring me, Evan.” She looked worried and I saw her playing with her fingers again. “What do you have to tell me? Are you dying?”
“No, I’m not dying.” I closed my eyes for a few seconds and then took a deep breath and looked at her. “Jess, I’m not Pierce’s dad. I’m not his real dad. I’m not his stepdad. I’m not related to him at all. I’m not even old enough to be his dad.”
“What?” Her eyes widened as she gazed at me. “What are you saying?” Her mouth fell open and she looked like she was about to have a heart attack.
“Pierce and I were fraternity brothers. I was a few years ahead of him.” I looked at her and made a face. “We were the typical immature drunk frat boys and we played a lot of games with a lot of girls with women and pulled a lot of tricks and pranks and well…” My voice trailed off. I wasn’t sure how to continue. I didn’t want to say the words out loud. I didn’t want to tell her and we pranked you.
“Well, what?” She blinked at me and I could see her thinking hard.
“Jess,” I said and sighed, “I don’t know what…” My voice trailed off again.
“So this was a game to you?” She frowned. “All of this? Everything has been a game from the beginning?” She ran her hands across her eyebrows and rubbed her forehead. “From the very beginning? So you’ve never been Pierce’s dad? You being in the apartment that day? Flirting with me? Was that part of the setup? Was that when it started?”