by J. S. Cooper
“That was part of the setup.” I nodded. “That wasn’t when it started, though.”
“That wasn’t when it started?” Her voice trailed off. “What? When did it start, then?” Her eyes widened. “It started at the club, didn’t it? When he came over to me?”
“Yeah.” I nodded and pursed my lips. “I’m sorry.”
“But Linda…” Her voice trailed off. “How did you get his mom to pretend you were the dad as well?”
“Linda was a paid actress,” I said softly. “I’m sorry, Jess.”
“This whole thing was a sick joke. This whole thing. Oh, my God.” She looked at me with a hurt expression. “I can’t believe you did this to me. I can’t believe this whole thing has been a lie. This whole time. How could you do this to me? I thought I was in love with you. I thought you could be the one. You had me questioning everything about myself. You had me thinking I was going crazy. You had me in tears. You had me thinking that I was a really bad person. How could you do that to me? How could you do that to any human being? How could you just not care?”
“I do care about you, Jess. It killed me inside, but I just didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to tell you that we’d lied. It just all felt like it was too much and that it was too late. I didn’t want you to hate me. I didn’t want you to think I was a horrible man. I knew I was playing with fire and I told myself that it was okay. I told myself that we both knew the score. And if we were both on the same page, it would be okay. I told myself that we could have fun and neither one of us would get hurt.”
“But I did get hurt. You crushed me, Evan. You made me feel like shit. You made me feel like I almost ruined a family. You made me feel like some sort of sicko. And then you just ditched me and made me feel like it was all my fault. How could you do that to me?”
“I’m so sorry, Jess. I don’t know what to say. It was all fucked from the beginning. I messed up. I’m an asshole. I know that. I’m a jerk. I deserve to be hated. I didn’t want for you to fall for me. I knew I wasn’t good enough for you from the beginning. I knew that. I knew that I could never be the man that you wanted me to be. I wanted to make sure that you left me. I wanted it to be on your terms. I wanted you to feel empowered. But I think I ended up hurting you more. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that I played those games. I’m sorry that I made you think I was seeing other women. I never met another woman. I never dated another woman. I was doing that so you would get mad and hate me. I wanted you to hate me. I needed you to hate me. I needed for you to walk away because I was scared.”
“Scared of what?” Her voice was tinged with sarcasm and hurt.
“I was scared of getting hurt.”
“Hurt by who?” She was getting angrier. “All you cared about was getting laid and tricking me. Ugh, when I think of all the bullshit you put me through. All those conversations? How could you? I just don’t get it. How could you?”
“Jess.” I moved closer to her. “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know that I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to make you feel bad in any way. You have to know that. Yes, in the beginning, I didn’t care. I didn’t know you. I wasn’t thinking about any of that. I was just playing a game with my friend. A game we always played. That was my life. You have to understand that. It was never personal to you. And then I got to know you and I realized you were special. Really special. And I didn’t want to hurt you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“Okay.” She shrugged. “Is that it? Any other lies you want to tell me about, or can I go?”
“You want to go?”
“What else do we have to say, Evan?” She shrugged again. “Alyssa was right about you. You’re just an asshole.”
“I’d like to think I could change her mind about that,” I tried to joke, but Jess didn’t laugh.
“What else do you want, Evan?” She glared at me.
“I’d like to think that we could move past this?”
“You want to be my friend?” She burst out laughing hysterically. “Are you fucking kidding? Do you really think that I want to be friends with you? Do you think that that’s ever going to happen? You played me. You make me feel sick to my stomach. I want nothing to do with you.”
“Jess.” I grabbed a hold of her hand, my heart beating fast, and I knew that I had never felt more worried or scared in my life. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah, yeah, I get that.” She pulled her hand away from me. “Hopefully you won’t do this to another girl in the future.”
“Jess, I love you,” I said softly, almost to myself. “I love you, Jess.” I looked over and into her eyes, and she looked shocked. Maybe as shocked as I felt at having said the words out loud. “Say something,” I said to her as I looked at her, waiting for a response.
“I don’t know what to say.” Her voice was breathless. “I don’t even know why you’re saying that. I don’t even know what to believe. I don’t even feel like I know you, Evan.”
“I guess I deserve that,” I said, feeling really disappointed. A part of me had been hoping she would tell me that she loved me as well. A part of me had hoped she would laugh and fall into my arms and we’d start kissing and we’d make love on the grass with wild abandon. Yeah, my thoughts and hopes weren’t always realistic.
“I’m going to go.” She tried to get up again and I grabbed a hold of her hand.
“You still want to go?” Even after I just told you I love you?”
“That doesn’t mean anything to me, Evan. I don’t know what you want me to say.” She shrugged, her brown eyes looking at me with uncertainty. “What do you want from me?”
“How do you feel about me?” I asked her, almost hesitantly. “What are your feelings?”
“I don’t know what to say.” She pursed her lips. “What can I say?”
“I don’t know.” I sighed and leaned back. “There are things I want to tell you. Things inside. Things that I find it hard to share. This is hard for me. I know I’ve hurt you. I know you might find it hard to trust me. I know that. I’m going to try my best to be open and honest, though. Will you at least listen to me?”
“I’ll listen.” She chewed on her lower lip and nodded.
“I’ve only had one serious relationship in my life. My first year of college. She broke my heart. I nearly failed my classes that semester and flunked out. I thought my life was over. I’d never been through anything like that before. I’d never felt despair. I’d never known what it was to not be able to function. After that I vowed that I wouldn’t let another girl get close enough to me to hurt me that way. So I joined the frat and I’ve slept around and played games and never really cared. And I was content with my life. Happy, even. To an extent. And then I met you. And something about you did something to me. Something about you changed something in me. And I could feel myself being drawn to you. I loved teasing you. And I loved your reactions to me and I loved touching you and talking to you and kissing you and talking to you. And it was all good fun, until I realized that it was something I was looking forward to every day. Until I realized that you were growing on me in ways that made no sense. When I realized that I cared about your feelings. When the sad look on your face made me feel worried. Made me scared. When I started to feel what you were feeling. That’s when I realized I was getting in too deep and I knew I couldn’t have that. I knew that I couldn’t fall for you, for two reasons: I didn’t want you to hate me for the lies, and I didn’t want you to fall for me because I didn’t think I was the guy for you. I didn’t think I was good enough. And frankly I was scared. I was scared to fall in love again. I didn’t want to be tied to someone else. I didn’t want you to control my feelings. I didn’t want to be tied to someone else. I didn’t want to be your Mr. Right. I was scared about being someone’s forever mate. I didn’t want you to get to know me and then drop me. I knew that being dropped by you would be much worse than it was in college. I knew that if I opened myself up to you and allowed myself to love you, it would kill m
e if you didn’t want me. And I was right.” I paused and looked at her and I could see tears in her eyes. “Jess?” I asked her softly. “Are you okay?”
She nodded at me and I grabbed her hand and was pleased when she didn’t pull away this time. “So I’m sure you’re wondering what all this means now. Well, in this last month, I’ve realized I’ve been a big fool, because I couldn’t stop myself from having feelings for you. I couldn’t stop the fact that I’d fallen in love with you. And I realized that I’m a fool. And I deserve all the hate you have for me. I deserve for you to never talk to me again. I deserve for you to get up and walk away and never want to see me again.” I squeezed her fingers and then looked in her eyes. “I deserve that, but I’m telling you now that I’m not going to walk away again. I just want to be with you. I will wait for however long it takes. Even though I didn’t want to be your Mr. Right, I am. I am the man who will wait forever to be with you. I will do whatever you want me to do. I will wait for the rest of my life for you to forgive me. I love you with all of my heart and I’m not scared anymore. I’m not scared to lose you. I’m not scared to not have you. I’m only scared that I would not have the opportunity to show you how much I love you. I will do whatever you want me to do. I will wait as long as you want me to wait. I will be here for you, whenever you need me. Whenever you want me. I will always be here for you. I will never walk away. I want to prove myself to you. I want to love you with all my heart. I just need to know that that’s okay with you. I just need to know that maybe one day you can forgive me. Maybe one day you can give me a chance? Do you think that you can? Do you think that you will ever be able to forgive me? Do you think that you can ever love me? Feel what I feel for you?”
“Oh, Evan.” Her voice cracked as she gazed at me with a huge smile. “I love you so much. I love you more than words can say. I don’t even know how to tell you what your words mean to me. I don’t even know how to tell you how much I love you. It’s been killing me to keep it inside. I feel like we were made for each other. Does that make me crazy?”
“Not any crazier than me.” I reached over and pulled her towards me, my face a huge grin. “But I like that you’re as crazy as me. We can be crazy in love together.”
“I feel like I’m in a dream right now,” she said, rubbing her eyes before reaching over to kiss me. “I can’t believe that this is happening.”
“I can’t believe that this is happening either. I love you with all my heart and soul. I never want to lose you again. Please let me be your Mr. Right for the rest of your life.”
“Of course.” She sighed in contentment. “You’ll always be the one for me. I’m just glad that you finally came to your senses.”
“So am I, my dear. So am I.”
THE END
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