Destined to Change

by Harley, Lisa M.

  We stayed at the pond for a couple of hours just talking and enjoying each other’s company. I was really getting used to being wrapped up in his arms. He made me feel so safe and special. Like that was where I needed to be. This night had been perfect.

  We rode home and I decided I really liked his motorcycle. He drove right up to the steps at my house. We climbed off the bike, he pulled our helmets off and hung them on the handlebars then he walked me to the door.

  “Would you like to come in?” I asked.

  “I would absolutely love to, but I think maybe it would be better if I didn’t. I want us to take it slow, and I’m afraid if I come in I won’t be able to do that.” He was looking at me with a pained expression.

  “Okay, I understand. But someday, hopefully soon, I want to be with you. You know that, right?”

  He closed his eyes and shook his head. “Woman, you are gonna be the damn death of me. I am trying so hard to be good.”

  He leaned in and very softly pressed his lips to mine. He kissed me so gently, it was beautiful. He pulled away and then kissed the corners of my lips and then he ran his nose along my jaw. I could feel his warm breath on my face. “Someday soon, Loralei. Someday very, very soon.”

  ---------

  It had been a month since Jaxon and I spent that night together in my house. I couldn’t believe how right this all felt. He might be more than just the right guy for right now, he might be my forever. The kids adored him, my parents loved him, and I kinda thought maybe I did too.

  I asked Jaxon last week if he would like to go to the cattle sale with me. He jumped at the chance of us spending an entire weekend together away from the kids in a hotel in another town. I was pretty excited about it too. I was nervous too, but mostly excited.

  After the kids went to sleep that night, I called Emma to chit-chat. She told me she and Eric were celebrating their six year wedding anniversary with a huge party at the lake this weekend.

  “Lor, you have to bring Jaxon with you to the party. I can’t freaking believe you won’t introduce him to me,” Emma whined.

  “Ems, you know I love you, but I just don’t know if Jaxon is ready for a party with a bunch of country folks. You know he’s not exactly a cowboy. I don’t want him to feel out of place. And I explained to you that it’s not that I won’t introduce him to you; you’re just so busy all the time with your new catering business. I never get to see you anymore.”

  I couldn’t explain it, but I did feel kinda weird introducing Jaxon to Emma and Eric, especially Eric. He and Declan were best friends, and he and I had shared a special bond since the night of the accident. He had always treated the kids like his own. They adored their Uncle Eric, and he adored them. I was really afraid of what his reaction to Jaxon would be.

  “Yeah, yeah, that’s what you keep saying, but I think you're embarrassed of me. I’m not a total hick, you know. I do have all my teeth, and I don’t wear overalls everyday!” I really hated to make Emma feel that way, but I felt that it was best to keep them away from Jaxon until I figured out my feelings for him.

  I relented, “Okay, I’ll bring him to your party, geesh, woman, calm down!” As I was saying this to Emma, I was worrying about Jaxon. I would never want to put him in a situation where he would feel out of place, and I was really afraid this party might do just that. But I decided to hope for the best and invite him anyway.

  Once I got off the phone with Emma, I called Jaxon to share the invite with him.

  “Hey babe, what’s up?” he asked in a way that made my toes curl. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t pushed for us to have sex so far. I would’ve been concerned that he didn’t want me, but we made out like a couple of teenagers every day.

  “Did I wake you up?”

  “Oh, no baby. I just got out of the shower.”

  “Well, I wanted to ask you something. I was wondering if you would like to go to a party with me on Saturday night?”

  “What kinda party?” he asked.

  “Emma and Eric are having a party at the lake to celebrate their anniversary. It should be fun and I would love for you to meet them.” I really did want him to meet Eric and Emma. As worried as I was about him fitting in, selfishly, I wanted my friends to get to know him. And I really wanted to hear Ems thoughts on him.

  “You really want me to meet your friends? I was starting to think you were ashamed of me. You talk about Emma and Eric all the time, but you haven’t ever said anything about introducing us.” He sounded really sad when he said that last part. Had I made him feel that way? I hadn’t meant to.

  “Jaxon, I’m so sorry if I made you feel that way. Of course I want you to meet my friends, please say yes.”

  And in the sexiest voice I have ever heard he said, “For you baby, my answer is always yes.” Yes, that man could definitely make my lady parts dance. As I was standing by the bed thinking about my lady parts dancing, Jaxon asked, “So, what are you wearing right now?”

  I couldn’t help it. I started giggling. The way he said it was just too funny.

  When he didn’t say anything and I noticed he wasn’t giggling, I asked, “Um, are you serious? You really want to know?”

  “Baby, I just got out of the shower. I am standing in front of my bed with only a towel wrapped around my waist. And just hearing your voice has made me hard. I miss how it felt when I slept beside you. The way it felt when I held you in my arms all night. I wanted to do so much more. You know that, right Lor?”

  I couldn’t believe this was happening. Jaxon wanted to have phone sex with me. Surely, I was misunderstanding this.

  I knew I sounded scared. “Yes, yes I know you wanted more. I did too. I was just scared, because it’s been so long.”

  “Lor, do you want to have a new experience with me? I mean I just figured - you’ve never, uh, done this before, like on the phone?”

  “Of course not Jaxon! You know I haven’t. Have you?”

  “I’ve never wanted to before.”

  “I would love to share my first time with you. I want you so much Jaxon. I’m about to explode.”

  I heard something crash and then I heard Jaxon say, “Holy fuck.”

  “Jaxon, are you still there? Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, baby I’m here, um, wow, you just surprised me is all. I kind of dropped the phone.” I giggled and he said “Are you laughing at me?”

  “Why yes I am Jaxon, now what are you gonna do about it?” I couldn’t believe I said that. But of course it’s a lot easier to say things like that over the phone. I never would have said that had he been standing in front of me.

  “You didn’t answer my question, Lor.”

  “What did you ask again?” Of course I knew what he asked. I just wanted to hear him say it again.

  “What – are – you - wearing?” He really drew that question out, stressing each word.

  “Actually, I just got out of the shower also. But I’m not wrapped in a towel. I let it drop to the floor when you dropped the phone.”

  “Baby that was the hottest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Are you in bed?”

  “No.”

  “Get in bed. Naked. Get under the covers and follow my instructions.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Oh my God - you’re killing me here.”

  “You could just come over. We could do this in person. Please.” I was almost begging.

  “It pains me to say this, but I am not coming over tonight. We are going to experience this together for the first time. Now do exactly as I say and nobody will get hurt.” I laughed out loud at that.

  “You know I don’t like it when you laugh at me, baby. Are you in bed yet?”

  “Yes.”

  “I want you to pretend that I am lying beside you. Can you do that, Lor?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay, I want you to play with your breasts for me. Take your hands and start at your stomach and make your way up to your breasts. Cup them in your hands. Now pinch your nipples, squeeze t
hem, close your eyes, Lor, pretend it’s me touching you. Can you feel my mouth on your nipple? Can you feel me squeezing them? Can you feel my teeth as I nip at them?”

  “Oh wow, yes Jaxon, I can feel you. Oh, yes!” I could hear Jaxon moving around. It sounded like he was – maybe - I don’t know. Sheepishly I asked, “Jaxon, are you, um, touching yourself too?”

  “Uh huh...Lor, this is amazing. You’re amazing.”

  I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. “Can you feel me touching you, Jaxon? Can you feel me kissing you? Can you feel how much I want you inside me?” I couldn’t believe those words had come out of my mouth. I didn’t know what had come over me. And then I could definitely hear him rubbing himself. He was moaning, “Touch yourself, Lor. Put your fingers inside. Imagine me there. Touching you, inside you. Do it for me. I’m so close Lor, are you close?”

  “Uh huh – Jaxon - I’m coming. Oh Jaxon!” My orgasm seemed to last forever. Then I heard Jaxon moan loudly and he screamed my name.

  We were both panting and coming down from our amazing first phone sex experience when Jaxon broke the silence, “That was amazing for me. Are you okay? Did you enjoy that?”

  How could he ask me that? Of course I enjoyed it. I really, really enjoyed it. “Yes, sir.”

  “Woman, you are going to be the death of me.”

  ---------

  When Saturday arrived I decided to really play up the country part of my life. I wore skin tight black wranglers, my hottest pink cowboy boots, my belt with my prettiest silver buckle, a white button up shirt with pearlized buttons, tucked in with just enough buttons open to where you could just almost see my hot pink bra hiding below. I wore my hair down and put a few curls in it. I looked in the mirror and almost didn’t recognize myself, I looked HOT!

  When I heard the knock at the door, my heart started beating out of my chest. I couldn’t believe how excited I was to see Jaxon. And he definitely didn’t disappoint me. When I opened the door his mouth dropped open and his eyes didn’t leave my chest. I couldn’t look away from him either.

  He was everything I wasn’t tonight. He had on his “fancy pants” which were dark blue. He had on a skin tight black v-neck t-shirt tucked into his jeans, black motorcycle boots, and a black leather jacket. He was smoking HOT!

  When we finally stopped ogling each other, we headed out to my old jeep and started the short drive to the lake. We rode in silence. The tension in the vehicle could’ve been cut with a knife. It was like there was some sort of electric current running between us and we had to have some sort of release.

  Being around Jaxon did crazy things to me. I had never even thought about doing what I did next. I decided to take matters into my own hands, so to speak.

  I leaned over to Jaxon, who was driving, and I licked the spot right behind his ear. I could feel his breath halt and his whole body shudder like the current had been zapped, the tension, starting to clear. I continued to lick a trail from his ear, across his jaw, to the corner of his mouth where I placed a light kiss.

  He was driving, and I didn’t want to have a wreck, but I just couldn’t keep my hands off of him. I was rubbing his chest and then I was untucking his shirt, and trying to unzip his pants, and that’s when he pulled over onto the first dirt road he came to and before I knew what was happening he had me pulled onto his lap and I was straddling him.

  The kiss, this kiss was fast and furious. It was like we had never kissed before. His tongue invaded my mouth and I accepted it wholeheartedly. He unbuttoned my shirt and when he saw my hot pink bra I heard a sexy growl escape his lips. Jaxon was an expert with his tongue. He could do magical things with it. One moment he was licking the spot between my breasts, and then he was tracing a path up my chest, neck, jaw, and then my mouth.

  The next thing I knew I was trying to unzip his jeans again. He grabbed my hand, “No, not here. Not like this. Not our first time, Lor. Our first time together needs to be special, not in a jeep. I think I love you, Lor.”

  His words hit me like a ton of bricks, mostly because I felt the same way about him. But I never thought he could love me. I’m just a little country girl and he definitely didn’t fit into my world.

  “You don’t have to say anything; I just want you to know what I’m feeling.” He said as he looked down and clasped his hand in mine.

  I used my other hand to tilt his face up to look at me. “Jaxon, I never thought I would say this to another man, but I think I'm falling in love with you too.”

  After our “we almost love each other” declarations, we straightened our clothes out and started toward the lake again. When we pulled up, the party was in full swing. I spotted Emma and Eric out by the bonfire. It reminded of that night so many years ago when Declan and I had come back to the bonfire at the pond to pick up a very drunk Eric. And to see him standing there already drunk again really pissed me off. I wanted to go up to him and remind him of what happened that night and how if he hadn’t gotten so drunk I would be married to Declan now and my kids would have their father. But I didn’t. I just smiled and led Jaxon out to them.

  Jaxon looked so out of place amongst all these cowboys. He was nervous, but I was the only one who knew that. He kinda looked scary. Scary probably isn’t the right word. He looked intimidating.

  I squeezed his hand and looked up at him, trying to let him know that it was okay. I wanted him to feel comfortable around these people. I don’t know who I thought I was kidding. I hadn’t felt comfortable around these people for years.

  The last bonfire party I went to didn’t end so well. It had been over ten years since I came to a party with my friends. It just didn’t feel right without Declan. I really wished that my mind hadn’t gone there. Now everywhere I looked I could see him. Jaxon must have noticed that my mind was wandering. He squeezed my hand and looked at me like he really wanted to help, but didn’t know what to do.

  “Lor, you’re here! I can’t believe you actually came!” Emma hollered as she came running up from the other side of the beach. She looked like one of those bad tampon commercials where the girl is running across the beach towards her lover. This really helped my mood. I was laughing inside and started running toward Emma, pulling Jaxon with me.

  Emma couldn't take her eyes off of Jaxon. She looked him up and down and up and down again. Then she looked at me and gave me a not so subtle wink and nod of approval. “And this must be the amazing Jaxon I have heard so much about?” Emma said to Jaxon.

  “Well I don't know about amazing, but I am Jaxon. It's really nice to finally meet you Emma.” Jaxon wouldn't let go of my hand and I was really glad he didn't. We both needed each other to make it through this night.

  “Eric is dying to meet you,” Emma said and then yelled, “Hey Eric, get your ass over here and meet the amazing Jaxon.”

  Eric came walking over, assessing Jaxon from his motorcycle boots, to his “fancy” pants, to his pierced eyebrow and shaggy hair. I could tell by the glaring look of disapproval on his face that he didn’t like what he was seeing. “Hey, man, nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you from Lor and the kids.” Jaxon said to Eric as he stuck his hand out to shake hands.

  Eric didn't move. He didn't say anything. He just stood there staring at Jaxon and then he looked over at me. “Can I talk to you for a second, alone?”

  Jaxon dropped his hands to his sides. I winced at the loss of that connection to him. Eric grabbed my arm and pulled me toward the bonfire. Emma just looked at me with raised eyebrows. Silently saying, “I don't know what he's doing.” She asked Jaxon if he wanted to go get a beer. They headed off to the coolers as Eric, and I walked away.

  “What the hell are you doing with a guy like that? Do you really think that's the kind of person Declan would want around his kids? You do remember whose kids they are, right?” Eric was being so hateful. This man had helped me so much since Declan died and now that I was finally finding happiness he was pissed at me. I couldn't help myself.

  The words fle
w out of my mouth. “Yeah Eric, I remember who's kids they are, do you? They aren't yours, they're Declan's, and he’s dead because we had to come get your drunk ass and drive you home! And that's the reason why I’ve been so miserable for so long. Now I’m finally finding a little bit of happiness and you’re mad at me? Are you fucking kidding me?”

  I didn't need this shit and I wasn't going to deal with it tonight. I made my way over to Jaxon and I couldn’t contain the tears that started falling. I grabbed Jaxon's arm and asked him to get me out of there. He put his beer down and we rushed over to the jeep.

  Emma asked as she followed Jaxon and me to the jeep. “Where are you going, Lor? Please don't leave, the party is just starting. What the hell did he say to you?”

  “I can't do this Emma. I thought I was ready but I'm not. And Eric doesn't think Jaxon is the right guy for me? What the fuck? Why should I give a shit about what he thinks? How dare he say anything about my life choices!”

  I pulled the door open on the jeep and climbed in. Jaxon shut the door behind me and ran around to get in. He started it up, and I watched Emma run over to Eric. She was beating at his chest and screaming at him. Eric couldn't take his eyes off me. He wasn't angry, he looked sad. I started to tear up again and when I looked over at Jaxon he was just staring straight ahead as we drove down the road. He was acting like I wasn't there. I reached over to grab his hand and he pulled away.

  “I'm sorry you had to hear that. I shouldn't have said that in front of you. I am so sorry.”

  Jaxon finally looked over at me and said, “Eric's right, Lor. I don’t know who the hell I was trying to kid. I’m not the right guy for you. I was just fooling myself thinking I was good enough to be with a lady like you. I’m not. You deserve so much better than me.”

  Then he stared off into the distance in front of us again. “I’ll talk to Uncle Jake and leave tomorrow. I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have. You’ll always be special to me, and I hope that you’ll always remember me.”

  I was crushed. I had opened my heart, my life, and my body to this man and we hit one little bump in the road and he was ready to leave?