MOAN: The Cantonneli Mafia

by Sophia Gray

  Even though I was exhausted, I couldn’t sleep. My mind kept running wild with thoughts of Cade, and thoughts of what it would be like if I hadn’t left. I knew that he still wanted me. The way he’d looked at me and the way he’d turned back so expectantly, like he was waiting for me to throw myself in his arms and hold him tight. Being around Cade had given me all kinds of funny feelings inside. My heart and my stomach seemed to have switched places, and my heartbeat hadn’t slowed down since the party. Even reading my textbooks didn’t have the usual effect on me. I didn’t feel calm at all. As I lay in bed in my cotton nightgown, I kept twisting and shifting under the sheets. It was too hot and my whole body itched and my mind roamed, thinking of Cade.

  By the time I actually fell asleep, it was light outside. My alarm went off at eight and I leapt out of bed and got ready quickly. It was the sloppiest I’d looked in a while: jeans and a light t-shirt.

  “Kimmy?” I stepped into the living room, toting my purse and my backpack. I didn’t see any sign of her. Her bedroom door was slightly open and when I pushed it open, I saw that her bed was still made from the previous night. Wow. She hadn’t even come home! I wondered if she was okay, but decided that she was a big girl who could probably take care of herself. Whereas I…

  I shook my head. I didn’t want to think about myself right now; it was too conflicting. Every time I closed my eyes, Cade appeared behind my lids, grinning and moving in closer for a kiss. And that kiss. Oh my god, that kiss. I’d never been kissed like that in my life. Heck, I didn’t even know that kisses felt that good. The way he’d held me and pulled me close, the way he’d run his fingers through my hair. It had all been absolutely incredible. My organs had felt like they were melting and leaking through my body. I’d felt a hot sensation in my face and lower tummy and it hadn’t gone away, even after Cade had pulled away.

  When I’d gotten home, my panties had been soaked and I’d smelled much muskier than usual. It was embarrassing. Had Cade known? Had it bothered him? I shivered, thinking about the knowing way he’d pressed his mouth against mine and slipped his tongue in my mouth.

  It hadn’t been at all like Calvin had kissed me. I didn’t like thinking about Calvin, but now I couldn’t stop comparing him to Cade. Or rather, I couldn’t stop thinking about how Calvin hadn’t aroused any of the same feelings inside that Cade had.

  It sounded silly to admit, but when I’d thought of Calvin before, I’d blushed and shivered. The sex hadn’t been good and the kissing had been alright at the time, but now, whenever I thought back, the past showed up in my mind like one of those old black-and-white movies. Calvin was like the pre-Cade, the guy who had primed me to actually have sexual desire.

  I’d met Calvin when I was sixteen. He was seventeen, and I’d always thought he was kind of cute. He wasn’t exactly popular—we met in the debate club—but he was smart and funny. I liked the way I felt when I was around him. It gave me butterflies whenever he looked at me, and after a while, all of my friends, all two of them, started telling me that they’d heard he wanted to ask me to prom.

  I hadn’t believed them, naturally. My best friend at the time was a girl named Jan. I’d met her at church—our parents were friends. I liked spending time with her well enough, but sometimes she made me feel like I was a loser. She was probably right; I was kind of a loser. But I didn’t exactly feel like telling her that, especially not in my junior year of high school.

  Calvin had curly brown hair and wore glasses. He was taller than me, at least, and he’d had problems with acne when he was younger. Now he had clear skin but there were a few little scars on his chin.

  The first day I knew Jan was right was when I had to stay late and clean the room where our club met. Calvin stayed with me. He even stepped outside to help me rinse off the little white boards we used for our arguments. He couldn’t stop staring at me, and finally he told me that he liked the sweater I was wearing. It wasn’t one of my favorites because it was older and kind of tight, but when I told him that, he said, “I know. That’s why I like it.” He’d smirked at me just then, like we had some kind of inside joke. And that feeling was almost as good, if not better, than him complimenting me in the first place. When I went home, I felt like I was floating on Cloud Nine. Mom wouldn’t leave me alone about it and kept asking if there was some kind of boy trouble. Even after I told her no hundreds of times, she kept asking.

  The next week, Jan ran up to me with a note. Her eyes were shining as she pressed the paper into my hand. “Here,” she said excitedly. “He said he was going to email you, but then he said he didn’t want your parents to read it by mistake.”

  I’d blushed so hard that I felt like I was going to cry. I shoved the slip of paper in my pocket and told Jan I’d read it later. I knew she was dying to see what it said, but I wanted to be in private so I could savor the feeling of knowing that a boy really liked me. The note wasn’t disappointing. Calvin had written that he thought my eyes were pretty, and that he wanted to take me to prom.

  I told him yes the same afternoon. But I didn’t tell my parents for a few weeks. Prom wasn’t for another month or two, and I didn’t want my mom thinking that something was going on. I floated around in a haze, thinking I was in love. I even doodled Calvin’s name on my notebooks, not because I wanted to but because it was the kind of thing that I thought I should be doing.

  When prom night rolled around, my mom wouldn’t let me go on a date with Calvin before the dance, so she took me out for a light dinner and told me all about the dangers of sex. Except, she didn’t actually say sex. Instead, she told me all about it using thinly veiled metaphors. It was incredibly awkward, and I sat there poking at my food with a fork as Mom said things like, “You cannot allow this boy to touch your delicate flower, Vanessa. All the other boys will be able to tell that you’ve been ruined, and no one will want you. Imagine explaining to your husband on your wedding night that you won’t be able to give him your most prized possession, your virginity.”

  Thinking about it now made me so embarrassed that I could barely breathe.

  Calvin showed up right at eight o’clock. My parents welcomed him in, but wouldn’t let him put my corsage on my wrist, so Mom did it. When we left, Mom gave me strict orders to be home before midnight. I had whined that this was unfair—after all, the prom didn’t even end until one in the morning—but Mom wouldn’t budge, and Dad was standing right beside her, together as always, united in tyranny.

  “You look great,” Calvin told me as soon as we were in the car. “I like that dress.”

  “Thanks,” I said shyly. It was light blue and long, with a halter neck. I was surprised that Mom had let me buy it; it was nothing like what she’d have picked, and it left my shoulders bare. But I didn’t really have a chest, so it wasn’t like it looked outrageously sexy or anything. Still, in my low-heel shoes, I felt more grown up and adult than I ever had before.

  “So, if prom is lame, you wanna ditch?” Calvin winked at me.

  I blushed and frowned. “What? What do you mean?”

  “Some friends in my class are throwing a party,” Calvin said. He guided the car into the parking lot of the school and parked. Even the simple intimacy of riding in his car was something I’d never experienced. I felt more adult than ever as Calvin dashed around the car and yanked my door open.

  “Let’s just check it out for a little while,” I said. I didn’t want to tell Calvin, but I’d been looking forward to prom ever since I was a little kid. It was like a fairytale night where nothing else mattered. The popular kids and the losers all hanging out together, like the ending of a book.

  Inside, it wasn’t anything like I’d imagined. The gym didn’t look much like a Starlit Garden—the theme for the night. Instead it was covered in paper streamers and dimly lit, with a DJ in the corner. Some kids were dancing, if you could call it that. More like grinding. I blushed as I saw Jan rubbing her butt on this other guy from the debate club.

  “This sucks,” Calvin said. H
e leaned in close and whispered in my ear. “I think the party would be more fun. Don’t you wanna go there instead?”

  I frowned. I wasn’t used to Calvin like this. The Calvin I knew was sweet and quiet, not pushy. But I didn’t want to make him unhappy, and after all, the prom was kind of disappointing.

  “Okay,” I said. I swallowed hard. “Let’s go.”

  Calvin took my elbow and guided me out of the gym. I was so happy that I felt like I was floating. Who cared that no one would see me dancing with Calvin, a real live guy? We were going to a party together and he was touching me! I felt cool! I felt like a real sixteen-year-old, not some quiet dork who spent all of her time with her parents.

  I was quiet as we drove out of the school parking lot. Calvin’s friends lived in the hills, and the trees grew larger and larger as we moved away from the school. I felt nervous—my hands were cold and clammy and I couldn’t stop shaking my knee.

  “Relax,” Calvin said. “You look great.”

  I tried to smile at him. “Are these friends from the debate team?”

  Calvin shook his head. “Nah, this guy is in my calculus class. His name’s Jeffrey, do you know him?”

  “Jeffrey Mitchell?” I gulped.

  “Yeah,” Calvin said. He frowned. “Why, what’s wrong? You don’t like him or something?”

  I shook my head quickly. “No, no, nothing like that,” I replied. “He’s just…he’s so popular! He’s on the basketball team and everything!”

  Calvin laughed. “Well, he sucks at calculus,” he said. “I’m usually doing his homework for him. That’s why he invited me, I think. But his parents are out of town and there’s gonna be beer and drinks and he has a pool.” Calvin raised his eyebrows. “You wanna go swimming?”

  I blushed hotly. “I don’t have my bathing suit.”

  Calvin winked at me and my heart lurched in my chest. “You don’t need one,” he said.

  “I don’t know about this,” I said as I climbed out of Calvin’s car. Unlike back at the school, he hadn’t come around to open my door for me. “I mean, are you sure Jeffrey’s gonna be okay with you bringing a date?”

  Calvin laughed. “Yeah, I told him that I’d bring you,” he said. “He doesn’t mind. Trust me, Vanessa. Everything’s fine.”

  I felt nervous as I followed Calvin into the house. It was dimly lit, much like the school cafeteria had been, but instead of being decorated with paper streamers, I could tell that it was expensively furnished and much different from my parents’ living room.

  “Wow, Jeffrey’s parents have a nice house,” I whispered to Calvin as I kicked off my heels in the foyer. There was a pile of prom shoes reaching up to my knees. In the living room, the furniture had been pushed back and someone had rolled up the oriental rugs. Couples were dancing much differently than they had been at the school. Guys were standing behind girls and pulling them close, grinding on their hips and rubbing their bodies close together. I’d seen Jan grinding on a guy back at school, but this was different. This was like watching people have sex with their clothes on.

  “Wanna dance?”

  Calvin didn’t wait for my reply before he took my hand and pulled me into the crush of bodies. We swayed to a popular rap song and he tightened his grip on me, bringing his body against mine and rubbing his crotch against my butt. When I felt something hard and stiff in his pants, I tried to jump away but Calvin held me firm.

  “Vanessa, you feel really good,” Calvin whispered in my ear. “Don’t move. Keep dancing with me.”

  After a few minutes, it stopped feeling so weird and started feeling almost sexy. I closed my eyes and tried to sway my body to the rhythm of the music, swinging my hips and grinding my butt against Calvin. He groaned and gripped me firmly at the hips. When a few songs had passed, Calvin took my hand again.

  “Let’s go upstairs,” Calvin whispered. “Come on.”

  With my fingers laced with his, I followed him up the dark staircase. There were a few couples making out and pawing at each other, kissing and fumbling with each other’s clothes. I looked away as a guy ripped open a girl’s dress and she shrieked, trying to cover her bare breasts with her hands. My stomach turned. I liked feeling adult, but there was something wrong about this situation and I was relieved when Calvin pulled me into a quiet bedroom.

  “Here, this is better, right?” Calvin smiled at me as he shut the door. “You wanna lie down, Vanessa?”

  “I’m not tired,” I replied.

  “I’m not either,” Calvin said. He winked at me and climbed on the bed, lying down and opening his arms. I bit my lip, hesitating. Finally, I got on my hands and knees on the bed and crawled towards him. At once, his mouth was on mine, kissing me sloppily with his tongue shoved in my mouth. I couldn’t believe it—after years of practicing quietly on my pillow after my parents had gone to sleep, I finally had a boyfriend. I felt deliriously happy. As Calvin slipped his hands down my back and squeezed my butt, I pressed my body against him. I was confused; even though I was happy to be kissing Calvin, it didn’t feel as good as I thought it would. It was confusing, almost. I didn’t like the way he kept rubbing my butt. It didn’t feel as good as it had earlier when he’d held my hand and squeezed my fingers.

  “You wanna go all the way?” Calvin’s whispered in my ear was hot against my skin.

  Nervously, I pulled back and looked into his eyes. “What?”

  “Do you wanna have sex?” Calvin leaned down and nipped at my lower lip with his teeth, sending a shiver through my body. It was the sexiest thing he’d done so far.

  I gulped, then nodded. “Sure,” I whispered meekly.

  Calvin wasted no time fumbling under my dress and pulling it up around my waist. He couldn’t unzip the back and I sat up and reached backwards. My fingers were shaking too much and eventually Calvin shook his head and pushed me back down on the bed. As he stripped out of his formal clothes, I stared at his body. He wasn’t as skinny as I thought he would be—his chest was slightly muscular, but he wasn’t hairy yet. His dick stood out like a hard, thick pencil from his crotch. As Calvin climbed on the bed, I felt a sense of shame and nervousness flood my body. I watched as he pulled out a condom from his wallet and ripped the wrapper open with his teeth, then slid the condom down over his erection. As he crawled between my legs and steadied himself with a hand on my hip, I barely felt him brushing up against my labia, my “most secret” place.

  “God,” Calvin moaned. He thrust inside of me with one hard push and I felt something tear, then a sharp pain filled my body. I cried out and clutched Calvin’s shoulders.

  “This is my first time,” I whispered in Calvin’s ear as he thrust hard against me.

  Calvin groaned in response. His body tensed and his back arched as he shoved his hips against mine, making me shiver and shake with something that wasn’t quite pleasure, but it didn’t exactly hurt either. The pain had faded into an interesting sensation. I wasn’t used to feeling from the inside—I hadn’t even worn a tampon because my mother thought they were sinful and unsafe.

  “Vanessa,” Calvin groaned loudly. He slammed his body against mine and then collapsed against the halter-top of my blue dress. I felt his body, slick with sweat, relax and sag against mine. The stiff penis between his legs grew soft and after a few seconds, Calvin rolled off of me and began to dress himself.

  I swallowed hard. What were we going to do next? Go downstairs and dance more? Or go out in the backyard and swim?

  “I’m taking you home,” Calvin said before I had time to ask. “Your parents are gonna be pissed, it’s almost midnight.”

  # # #

  When Kimmy got home, I was sitting in the living room, reading. She was still wearing her outfit from last night. She’d been gone almost twenty-four hours.

  “Hey, what happened last night?” Kimmy frowned. “I looked for you but I didn’t see you anywhere. Cade’s friend said you went home.”

  I nodded. “Yeah.” A blush rose to my cheeks and I glanced down.
“Did you have fun?”

  Kimmy smiled, a feline grin. She stretched, raising her top up and exposing her tan, taut belly. “Yeah, I had fun,” she said. “I hooked up with that one guy, what’s his name? Tyler, I think?” She screwed up her eyes as she hopped around on one foot, pulling her shoes off. “He was a good lay.” She winked at me. “I had fun at least. What about you? Why’d you bail like that?”

  I frowned. “Um, some guys showed up and then Cade was really weird about it. He pulled out his gun and waved it around and everything.” I pursed my lips. “I felt weird and kind of scared after that happened, so I left.”

  Kimmy nodded. “Oh god, I bet they were the Demon Catchers.”

  I nodded. “That sounds familiar,” I said.

  “You know, Vanessa, I’m surprised you and Cade had anything to talk about, really.” Barefoot, Kimmy walked over to the other end of the couch and flopped down, splaying her legs and throwing one over the armrest. “He’s a crazy guy. He’s not really the kind of guy I’d see hanging out with you.”