MOAN: The Cantonneli Mafia

by Sophia Gray

  “Fuck off,” I said mildly. “I gotta mosey around and push more E. You keep her.”

  The girl sauntered over to me with a pout on her shiny pink lips. “Hi there,” she said in a sensual voice. “Wanna party with me?”

  “Tempting,” I told her. “But I gotta work. You make sure the bachelor boy has a good time, you hear me?”

  The girl pouted again. She was blonde with green eyes and tan skin—most guys at the party would have killed for a chance with her. But I just couldn’t get excited. Vanessa was a real girl, someone who wanted me because of me. At least she did for now. I shuddered to think what she’d think of me when she got to know my buddies. But this girl…she was being paid to be here. She didn’t give a shit about me; she just wanted my money. I had absolutely no problem pushing her to the side.

  “Pussy!” Tyler called after me as I walked away. The guys erupted into laughter and I rolled my eyes. A big group of college kids had just rolled into the party and I could tell they were looking to get high.

  The college kids didn’t disappoint—each one of them bought two pills, and I added a surcharge since I imagined they’d crashed the party. Rudy’s gonna be real fuckin’ happy, I thought as I fingered the wad of cash in my pocket. He’s gonna knock me up a notch or two for sure.

  The rest of the party went pretty well. The guys all got blasted. I’d even popped a pill to make the dealing more fun, and as I walked around, I realized that while I was happy, I wasn’t exactly content. Before I’d met Vanessa, parties like this had been my bread and butter. But now that I was always waiting around on her, they just weren’t that fun anymore. I was only twenty-two, but I was starting to feel like an old man. What was going to happen in a few years? How fucking elderly would I feel then?

  At the end of the night, Rudy put his arm around me and pulled me outside. I could tell that he was still rolling, but unlike the other guys, he looked mostly lucid.

  “Hey,” Rudy said in my ear. He clapped my shoulder with his other hand. “You did a real good job tonight, Mitchell. I’m real proud of you.” He fished a patch out of his jacket and slipped it over to me. “This is for you, shows your commitment to the Prophets.”

  I looked down at the patch in my hand: a little Bleeding Prophet with angry red eyes. It was sick. I loved it.

  ‘Thanks, man,” I said, giving him a half hug. “This party was cake.” Pulling the cash out of my pocket, I slipped a wad over to him. Rudy nodded and stuck the whole thing in the pocket of his vest.

  “This is rich,” Rudy said. “Look, I know I gave you a real hard time because of that girl. But you’ve done so much fuckin’ better since you dropped her, man, I am so proud.” He grinned. “And I like that you didn’t fuck any of those broads in there. You kept your eye on the job, and you stuck to it.” He nodded, his face suddenly serious. “You’re gonna make a good lieutenant one day,” Rudy added. “Take it from me. When I was your age, I fucked up, too. But you ain’t gonna be like me, I can tell.”

  I grinned uncertainly. I didn’t exactly have a choice: the Bleeding Prophets brought men through the ranks for their ability to sell drugs. Sure, I was good at it now, but what would that be like when everyone knew about me and Vanessa? How was I going to be able to focus on doing my job without getting arrested, or worse, going to jail? How the fuck could I support Vanessa if I was locked up?

  I hated even thinking about it.

  “Thanks,” I said to Rudy. “I’m glad I’ve been doing better. I’m trying, you know. I wanna do right by the group.”

  Rudy nodded. “I know,” he said. “You got a good heart, Mitchell. Ain’t your fault that you fuck up sometimes. Hell, I’d be warier of you if you never made a mistake!” At that, Rudy threw his head back and laughed, as though what he’d said had been the funniest fucking thing ever.

  “Thanks,” I said again. Just then, the front doors burst open and Tyler and Alonzo struggled out. Tyler’s pants were unzipped and his belt was flapping. I rolled my eyes, thinking about him and the blonde stripper. Well, at least someone had enjoyed themselves.

  “Man,” Tyler said. He put a hand on my shoulder and acted like he was about to fall over. “You fuckin’ missed out, man! That girl has a mouth like what!” He grinned and yawned, feigning exhaustion. “You’re a fuckin’ queer for not jumping on her!”

  I rolled my eyes. “Right,” I said. “Yeah, you got it, Tyler. I’m a homo. You figured it out!”

  “I know I did,” Tyler said. He winked at me. “That’s what I’m here for.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Vanessa

  After Calvin left, I couldn’t sleep. I was exhausted, but I felt really vain about my new hair and I couldn’t stop looking at myself in the mirror.

  And then there was the little issue of Cade going to another one of those wild MC parties. I hated thinking of him surrounded by all those women. I knew that when we were together, Cade only wanted me. But what about when I wasn’t around? What about when I was feeling insecure? What about the fact that Cade couldn’t even tell the other guys that he had a girlfriend?

  I bit my lip as I rolled around in bed. I was fun for the moment, but what would happen when Cade decided he wanted someone more worldly? That he wanted someone who wasn’t like me at all? That he wanted someone like himself, or worse, someone like Kimmy who already knew their way around the MC scene?

  Just thinking about it was enough to make me feel really sick.

  My phone started to buzz on the nightstand and I reached for it, clicking it on and holding it up to my ear.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, babe, glad you picked up,” Cade said. He sighed. “I did well tonight. Rudy told me that I was doin’ a better job. He’s really proud.” I could hear the cynicism in Cade’s voice. “I didn’t have the heart to tell him about you.”

  I swallowed hard. “Okay,” I said softly. My heart was pounding fast. I didn’t exactly know what I’d expected Cade to say. Deep down, more than anything, I wanted him to tell me that everything would be alright and that we wouldn’t have to sneak around for too much longer. That was what I wanted. But I had a feeling that I’d probably never see that happen.

  “Are you free tomorrow?” Cade cleared his throat. “I could call the Four Courts and get us a room. How does that sound?”

  I nodded. “I want to,” I said softly. “Thanks, Cade.”

  There was an awkward silence. Suddenly, I found myself filled with everything that I wanted to say, but I didn’t even know how. I was just a dumb little kid from the wilds of Wisconsin—what the heck did Cade want with someone like me? Every time I thought about it, I realized that I had nothing to give him. I couldn’t bring anything to this relationship, I couldn’t teach him anything. He was the one teaching me.

  “Yeah,” Cade said. “Vanessa, is everything okay? You’re not talking much. Did I wake you up?”

  “I’m just tired,” I lied. “And my mind is a little distracted.”

  “You know you can always talk to me.”

  “I know,” I said softly. “I just…” I broke off and pretended to yawn. “I’ll be okay. And we’ll see each other tomorrow night. What time can you get to Four Courts?”

  “I have to work with the guys in the afternoon, but I should be able to get there by seven,” Cade said. “I’ll get the same room as before. That okay with you?”

  I nodded. That little dingy hotel room was fast becoming a paradise to me. Being with Cade felt like the only escape I had, the only thing that kept me from thinking about my parents or failing out of med school. Without Cade, I didn’t have very much. Without Cade, I only had myself and my loneliness.

  “I made a new friend,” I said suddenly. “Kimmy dragged me out clubbing. This cute gay guy, Calvin.”

  Cade made a sound. “Are you sure he’s gay?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Yes,” I said. “I’m sure. He doesn’t act straight at all. He’s the one who cut my hair.”

  “Straight men can cut hair, t
oo,” Cade said.

  “I know,” I said. I was starting to feel exasperated with him. “I know they can, Cade. But he’s not straight. You don’t have anything to worry about. Like I’d ever want anyone but you!” All of my frustration and insecurity from earlier was bubbling to the surface and suddenly, I wanted Cade to know just how uncomfortable I felt at the prospect of losing him. “I’m not like you,” I said bitterly. “I may have a life, but I’ve never taken this kind of a chance before. And I could lose everything!”

  There was a pause.

  “Vanessa, what are you talking about?” I could tell Cade was frowning even though I couldn’t see him. “What the hell is your problem?”

  “Nothing.” I let out a deep breath and rolled onto my back. My bedroom was feeling intolerably hot all of a sudden, and I realized that I wanted some fresh air. “Look, I have to go. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

  “Okay,” Cade said. “I’m sorry if I said anything wrong, Vanessa. This is new to me, too, you know? I’ve never really had a girlfriend. I don’t date, and I’ve never been with a woman like you before.” He sighed loudly and I felt a sharp pang of guilt in my chest. “So we’re kind of just making things up as we go along, and I know it sucks, but it’s not gonna be like this forever. One day, I promise you’ll be recognized for who you are: the woman I’m with.”

  I slumped down against my mattress. Even though I knew it was impossible—we’d only known each other for a few weeks—I wanted Cade to tell me that he loved me. I wanted to hear that he couldn’t live without me, that he somehow needed me to keep going.

  But that didn’t come.

  “Good night, Cade,” I said softly. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  In the morning, I expected to feel much better. Instead, I felt worse. I dragged my butt out of bed and got dressed before walking to the bus stop and waiting for the campus bus. Before I could get out to the Four Courts Motel, I had class. And midterms. I cringed as I checked my email while waiting for the bus. Anatomy midterm grades had been posted, and the professor had asked me to see her outside of class. That all but confirmed I’d totally bombed the test.

  By the time I got to campus, I was a nervous wreck. I knew that since I’d moved out of my parents’ house, they wouldn’t get my grades mailed to them. That had been the scenario my freshman and sophomore year of college. Even though I’d gotten straight As, it had been a complete nightmare. I still prickled with embarrassment over one incident in particular. I’d gotten a B on a test for missing a couple of stupid questions, and my father had tacked the test on the fridge. Whenever my parents’ friends from church would come over, Dad would pull the test down and explain that I wasn’t going to be getting into med school due to the unfortunate mistakes that I’d made in the most basic of classes.

  Thinking about it now made me want to cry. I had an irrational fear of my father finding out that I’d bombed my anatomy midterm, and my stomach began churning with fear before I even went into my first class.

  I hadn’t had time to study for these midterms, either, but thankfully they were both easier than the anatomy test had been. By the time it was the middle of the afternoon, I was done, albeit exhausted.

  I stood outside, waiting for a cab to the Four Courts Motel and tried to turn my thoughts to Cade. What was it going to be like between us? Would everything continue to disintegrate, to turn sour? How the heck was I supposed to manage dealing with a boyfriend who I couldn’t even call a boyfriend? Calvin had come the closest to guessing about him, but I hadn’t wanted to reveal any more information that I’d had to.

  “Vanessa!” I turned around and saw Kimmy jogging up to me. “What’s up? Where are you going?”

  “Um.” She looked both friendly and guarded, like she was trying to guess more than whatever I’d tell her. “I need to study,” I said lamely. “I’m actually going to the library.”

  Kimmy frowned. “Then why the hell are you taking a cab?” She reached over and pointed towards a large building behind me. “The library is right over there, doofus.”

  “I’m going to the public library, in downtown Madison,” I lied. “It’s bigger, has more space.” I laughed nervously. “No weirdo college kids hanging around either!”

  Kimmy stared at me. “Vanessa, what’s going on? You’re acting like a complete nut.”

  “Nothing,” I chirped brightly. “I think I didn’t do so well on a midterm, that’s all. Need to spend more studying, you know, get the ole grade point average back up!” I swung my arm through the air, pretending to cheer.

  “Right,” Kimmy said. “Hey,” she added, as if it was an afterthought. “I’m going out tonight. You wanna come with?” She waggled her eyebrows at me. “Might be nice, might meet some cute guys!”

  “I can’t,” I said. “I’m sorry. I really do have to study!”

  My cab pulled up and I was overcome with a rush of gratitude. As I ran towards the backseat, Kimmy called my name one more time. I turned around to face her.

  “Yeah, what is it?”

  Kimmy wasn’t smiling. “You can’t sneak around,” she said.

  I frowned. “What are you talking about?”

  “Just that you can’t lie to me, Vanessa. So don’t even think about it. You got that?” Kimmy was smirking, transforming her beautiful face into something ugly. “You can’t keep lying to me.”

  I pulled open the door to the cab and tossed my books onto the backseat. The driver was grumbling at me to hurry up, but I ignored him and turned back to Kimmy. “I’m not lying,” I insisted. “I really do have to study. I’ll see you later, okay? Have fun tonight!”

  Without waiting for Kimmy to respond, I dove into the cab and gave the driver the address to the Four Courts Motel.

  # # #

  When Cade opened the door, it was like nothing bad had ever happened between us.

  For a moment, we stared at each other, our eyes locked. I was breathing heavily and I dropped my books on the floor of the dingy room at the exact moment when Cade pulled me into his arms. The feel of his strong muscles around my small body was enough to overwhelm me, and I closed my eyes and tilted my face upwards for the kiss I knew was coming.

  Cade pulled me close. “I missed you,” he murmured in a husky voice, right before planting his lips against my own and kissing me deeply. Feelings of amazement and pleasure swarmed through my body. I could no longer think of the anxiety that came from missing him when we were apart. All I could think about was how delicious it felt to be reunited with him, the man I loved.

  Wait, love? My head snapped back and I closed my eyes. Did I love him? I didn’t know, but if this wasn’t love, then I had no idea what love really felt like.

  “I missed you, too,” I said softly. We kissed again and this time it was softer, more tender. His lips seared against my skin and I moaned with the delicious pleasure of feeling his strong mouth against my own, guiding me, shaping me into the woman he wanted me to be.

  “I need you,” Cade said. He tightened his grip on me and lifted me high into the air. As we walked backwards towards the bed, I closed my eyes and let myself fall on the soft, lumpy mattress.

  “I need you, too,” I said. Our eyes locked again and I felt a shiver of desire and arousal crawl down my spine. Cade was the most intense man I’d ever met, the only man I could want as much as I wanted him. As his lips nudged my chin to the side and began to kiss a raw, wet path down my neck, I moaned and arched my back on the bed.

  I was wearing one of the new outfits that Calvin had helped me assemble from all of the clothes that I already owned: the skirt that Kimmy had “fixed” for me and a black button-down shirt that I felt was too small. Calvin said it was just right, though, and I had to admit that I loved the way Cade’s hands on me felt through the thin fabric. He stroked his fingers down my chest and squeezed, sending erotic shivers through every nerve, every cell of my body. As he began to unbutton my shirt and tug it off my frame, I sat up and stare
d at him. While I’d never felt comfortable with my body in the past, being with Cade felt like a real game-changer. He made me feel sexy, wanted, like I was a woman worthy of his masculine desire. As he tore my shirt off and threw it to the floor, I reached behind and unhooked the clasp of my bra. My breasts felt differently than normal—tender and kind of heavy, the way they felt right before my period started. But the sensation only added to the intense desire coursing through my body and I closed my eyes and moaned as Cade rubbed his thumbs over my erect nipples. He knew exactly how to touch me, how to play me like a string on a fine instrument.

  I reached for Cade’s shirt and tugged it over his head. The sight of his bare chest never failed to elicit enthusiasm in my body, and I ran my fingers wonderingly over the smooth skin, dotted with scars and tattoos. I couldn’t believe that he was mine, that a man like Cade would want me. He was only twenty-two, but he was worlds away from all of the guys at UW Madison. It made me remember something Kimmy had said, back when we’d first met. Something about how only boys went to college, and real men were men like Cade.