MOAN: The Cantonneli Mafia

by Sophia Gray

  “Vanessa,” Cade moaned as he slid against me in a sensual, slick movement. Our bodies were coated with sweat and I seized every opportunity to rub against him, to soak myself in his scent. I wanted to remember this. I tried to memorize every single detail of the room: the ceiling that was stained with water, the pilled comforter, the uneven, lumpy pillows. I memorized Cade, too: the tiny, microscopic freckles on his shoulders, the way his eyes turned into a deep, navy blue when he was about to come, the way he groaned my name and moved his body like he’d never fucked anyone but me before.

  “I’m sorry,” I gasped. Closing my eyes, I frantically moved against him. I felt like I was on the verge of a powerful orgasm, but no matter how I shoved against Cade, it wouldn’t come. Suddenly, I knew. I was being punished because I was leaving him. I was never going to be able to come again, not like I had with Cade.

  “I love you, it’s okay,” Cade wiped my hair away from my brow.

  My eyes filled with tears and I blinked, feeling them roll down my cheeks as Cade pumped his hips in and out of my body. As he arched his back and came loudly, the tears began to fall in earnest. I was sobbing as he finished, and when he lay back on the sheets, I buried my face in his chest.

  “Vanessa, why?” Cade’s voice was tortured and strained. “Why did you do that?”

  As I gazed into his eyes, I knew that I had to tell him the truth.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  “Vanessa,” Cade was saying, his voice desperate. “Why did you do that? Why did you lie? Why…” He trailed off, putting his messy blond head in his veiny, muscular hands.

  I stared at the ugly, pockmarked ceiling. Looking at him was too painful. Looking at him reminded me of the horrible things that I was about to do. My heart was barely beating in my chest. Every time I closed my eyes and tried to think about it, I realized how desperate I was, how sad I was for my life to be different.

  Tears came to my eyes and I let out a deep breath. There was no use trying to keep the Band-Aid on for any longer. It was time.

  “I have to leave you,” I said softly, rolling onto my side. The lumpy motel mattress squeaked underneath me, and with a lump in my throat, I realized that today would be the last time I saw the Four Courts Motel. And the last time I see Cade, I realized. The realization was painful. Suddenly, I understood the full magnitude of what I was about to do.

  Cade grabbed my wrists. I resisted, but he was stronger and he pulled me close to him.

  “Open your eyes,” Cade growled. “Look me in the eye and tell me why you’re doing this to me. Tell me, Vanessa.” I could hear the pain in his voice and it hurt me more than anything else in the world. “Vanessa, you can’t do this,” he begged.

  “I have to,” I said. My voice was cold and resolute and I shuddered at the sound. “Cade, getting to know you…seeing you…everything. It’s all been wonderful, but I can’t keep doing this.”

  “Why not?” Cade’s voice was a strangled, hoarse cry. “Why can’t you keep seeing me? Why not, Vanessa? What did I do? I promise, I’ll change. I’ll do anything you want. I promise.” He shook his head and screwed his beautiful blue eyes closed. “Why, Vanessa? You just promised that you’d marry me! Why did you promise to marry me and then break up with me?” He shook his head, the confusion and pain incredibly obvious. “Vanessa, why? Why would you do that?”

  I closed my eyes again, unable to look at him. It hurt too much—the pain was like something I’d never experienced before. Even when I broke my arm as a little kid, I didn’t remember it hurting this much.

  “Because,” I said softly. “I have a life outside of the Bleeding Prophets, Cade. I’m going to school. I’m going to become a doctor.” I stared at him. “And you? Well, you have nothing. The Bleeding Prophets are your life, Cade. You don’t have anything outside of this MC. And if it’s ruined…” I shook my head. “I won’t accept responsibility for being the cause of misery and ruin in your life,” I added. “I’m sorry, but I’m not willing to do that.”

  Cade stared at me. “So this is because you think I’m not good enough for you, is that it?” His voice was angry and his nostrils were flared. “Is that it, Vanessa? Just fucking tell me, then! Don’t lie! Don’t say it’s because I don’t have anything!”

  I bit my lip. I wasn’t lying, but I didn’t want it to end like this between us. “Cade,” I said softly. “I’m not lying. I don’t want to remember you as an angry man.” I clutched his hands in my own. “I want to remember all of the good times we had together, not the bad. I want to remember the fun, the love.” I shook my head and a tear dripped down my cheek. “I’ll always love you,” I added fiercely.

  Cade stared at me, obvious dull pain in his eyes. “It doesn’t matter,” he said morosely. “It doesn’t matter. None of this fucking matters.”

  “It does,” I insisted loudly. “I can’t let you throw away your future just because you want to marry me. Your lieutenant is never going to accept me, and I have to deal with that.”

  Cade just stared at me. “You’re taking the easy way out,” he said in a low voice. “You’re taking the easy way and you don’t actually want to be with me.” He stared at me and I felt myself shrink back from his intense gaze. He shook his head and I felt a sliver of ice worm its way into my heart. “You just wanted to hurt me, Vanessa. You didn’t even care.”

  “That’s not fair!” I cried. Standing up from the bed, I yanked the duvet up and wrapped it around myself. Even though it was warm in the room, I was suddenly covered with chills and I found that I couldn’t stop shaking. “That’s not fair at all, Cade!”

  Cade stared at me dully. “Then what is it?”

  Tears came to my eyes as I reached down for my bag and slung it over my shoulder. “I already told you,” I spat. “I can’t make you give up your entire life for me. Rudy wasn’t having it, and that means we need to break up.” I stared at him. “If you left the Bleeding Prophets, what would you do? What would happen to us?”

  Cade didn’t reply and I felt my heart squeeze, like it was caught in a vice grip. “Vanessa,” he said softly. “Come here, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

  A tear ran down my cheek and I hastily wiped it away as I strode over to the door and wrapped my hand around the knob. I had no idea what I’d do—the Four Courts Motel wasn’t close enough to town where I could walk back—but I knew that I had to get away from Cade as soon as I could. If I didn’t, I would take back everything I’d said. If I couldn’t get away from him, I’d wind up hurting myself even more, further down the line.

  No matter which way I looked at it, I was completely heartbroken.

  “I can’t let you throw your life away just so we can get married,” I said softly. “Don’t you get that? I want you to have a good life, Cade. And in order to have a good life, you need to stay in the Prophets.”

  Cade didn’t reply. Finally, I made myself open the door and force myself outside, into the bright sunshine. It stung my eyes after being in the dim, cozy room and I felt my sense of despair completely overwhelm me, like a tidal wave that shoved me against the floor of the ocean.

  I wondered if I’d ever be happy again.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  I knew that I couldn’t go home. After Kimmy’s betrayal, the last thing I wanted to do was see her smug, smiling face and stupid blonde hair. She’d betrayed me.

  Deep down, I knew that it probably wasn’t Kimmy’s fault. Rudy would have been angry to learn about me no matter the circumstances. Just because she’d spilled the beans didn’t mean that she was a villain. Of course, realizing this didn’t do anything but make me sigh. I was still angry with Kimmy, and I didn’t know if I could handle seeing her again without blowing up at her. The anger coursing through my veins felt hot and dangerous, and I knew that I had to be on my own for a little bit.

  When I thought of Cade sitting on the bed, a dead look in his eye, I started feeling worse than ever before. He’s going to be fine, I told myself. He has to be fine, right? />
  Rudy, the other Prophets, and Kimmy had all left by the time I walked through the parking lot. The road seemed empty, and I realized that I was going to have to call a cab if I wanted to leave before Cade saw me. Rudy had given him an hour—I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen when that hour was up. Was he going to be punished by the Prophets for defying his leader? Would something bad happen?

  I shivered. I wanted to believe that no harm would come to Cade. After all, his lieutenant cared about keeping him around in the Prophets. If he was that valuable, I didn’t think they could do anything to jeopardize his status, or his future, in the club. But part of me worried all the same. Cade was a big guy, a real man who could take care of himself. But after sleeping with him for weeks and falling in love with him against my will, I was starting to realize that he was just as vulnerable as I was. The only difference between us was that Cade was better at hiding it.

  After I called for a cab, I sat down and leaned against the back of the motel. Back here was even seedier than the front: I had to pick my way around broken beer bottles and cigarette butts just to find a clean patch of asphalt. I was shaking and my heart was pounding in my chest. Somehow, I wanted this all to be a joke or a bad dream. It had to be a dream. What kind of asshole would keep Cade away from what he really wanted in life?

  # # #

  The cab showed up about twenty minutes late. I was dragging a stick around on the parking lot and keeping one ear cocked for any sound. As far as I could tell, Cade had yet to emerge from our room. Maybe he didn’t want it to be over any more than I did. Whenever I looked down at my left hand, a pang went through my chest. A few hours ago, I’d believed that I’d be wearing a ring before the end of the week. Now I was consigning myself to a life of spinsterhood.

  “Can you take me to the Madison Library?” I slipped into the backseat of the cab. It smelled like furniture polish and old leather and I closed my eyes and tried to breathe in. It was different from Cade’s distinct, manly scent. I’m never going to smell him again, I realized as the cab lurched away. I need to forget him and concentrate on my studies. That’s the only way I’m going to get through this.

  My phone buzzed in my pocket and I yanked it out, desperately hoping that it would be Cade. Or even Rudy, telling me that he’d made a mistake and that he didn’t care if Cade and I stayed together. A lump formed in my throat when I realized that it was my mother.

  “Hi, Mom,” I said uncertainly after waging an inner war about whether or not I should answer the phone. “What’s up?”

  “Vanessa, honey, I’m glad to hear your voice,” Mom said. I cringed, waiting for the inevitable insult to follow. “How are you?”

  I swallowed hard. My heart was pounding, but I knew that I couldn’t let on about anything being weird in my life. “I’m fine,” I said after a moment. “I’m just going to the library.” I cleared my throat. “I thought about what you and Dad said, and I think you were right. I’m going to move out of Kimmy’s apartment and move in by myself somewhere.”

  My mom made a faint noise of surprise. “Really, honey? That’s wonderful!” There was a wet squelching sound as her hand gripped the receiver. I heard her speaking to my father in muffled tones, and then her voice was back, louder than ever. “Vanessa honey, your father is just so happy for you, too!”

  I grimaced. “That’s great,” I said as calmly as I could. “How are you guys doing?”

  Mom made a clucking noise. “Oh, we’re fine,” she said casually. I could tell that she was about to drop a bombshell on me. “Honey, are you sure that you’re doing alright?”

  “Yeah, why?” I couldn’t stop the suspicion from creeping into my voice. “What’s going on?”

  “Well, we just want to make sure, that’s all.” Mom’s voice was falsely bright and full of cheer. “You know, that was a tough visit we had. We’ll have to make sure the next one goes a little better.”

  “I don’t really know that it’s going to be a good time, not for a while,” I said. “I mean, I have to move and then finish up the semester.”

  I could practically hear my mom pouting through the phone. “Oh, honey, it just seems like your winter break is so far away! And don’t tell me that you haven’t found a church. You remember what Dad and I said?”

  I nodded, even though Mom couldn’t see me. “Yeah,” I said slowly. “But I’m still looking.” I sighed. “Look, Mom, with everything going on right now, I’m not even sure that I’ll have time to do that. School is really getting tough, and—”

  “The Lord helps us through all things,” Mom said sternly. I cringed. “Vanessa, didn’t we raise you better than this? Didn’t we raise you to be a good Christian girl?”

  Not good enough, I thought sourly. The cab pulled up to the library and the cabbie turned around, pointing at the black fare box. “Mom, I’ve got to go,” I said breathlessly. “I’m at the library now. We’ll talk later, okay?”

  I hung up without waiting for her to reply. Paying the cabbie, I darted up the stairs and into the library. The computer terminals over to the right beckoned me. As I walked towards them, the sick feeling in my stomach got even worse.

  I wished more than anything in the world that I could have talked to someone about the way I was feeling. Why wasn’t there anyone, why didn’t I have any friends?

  My head snapped up. Calvin! Yeah, I could call Calvin, I thought excitedly, pulling out my phone and pressing the button for his number. He’d listen to me! A shiver of anxiety went through me when I realized I’d be breaking the promise that I’d made to Cade. But that didn’t matter anymore, did it? It couldn’t matter. We were broken up.

  “Hello?”

  “Calvin, this is Vanessa,” I said softly. “I’m at the library, do you feel like coming downtown?”

  The background was loud and Calvin had to speak up in order for me to hear him. “I don’t know, Vanessa,” Calvin said. “I’m kind of busy right now. You want to hang out later? I’ll be free in a couple of hours.” In the background, I heard another man’s voice whining at Calvin to come back to bed. My cheeks flushed bright scarlet.

  “Oh my god, Calvin, I’m sorry,” I gushed. “I just…um. Never mind. Call me later, okay?” For the second time in less than ten minutes, I hung up without waiting for a response. I knew that I should be happy for Calvin, but I couldn’t help feeling a sick envy that spread like poison through my limbs. Why did Calvin get to be happy? Why did he get to have a boyfriend and I didn’t get to have anyone?

  Slipping my phone into my pocket, I walked over to the computer terminals and sat down in front of an empty screen. That’s how I feel, too, I thought as I logged in to the computer. Empty. When I’d thought about moving out of Kimmy’s apartment before, I’d stupidly assumed that it would be because I’d be moving in with Cade. But now I knew that was no longer the case. Cade was gone; he wasn’t mine anymore. Not that he’d ever been mine in the first place.

  The lump in my throat was getting bigger and bigger as I opened the computer browser to the local listserv that posted apartment listings. By the time I had narrowed down the search to fit my impossible criteria, I realized that it wouldn’t be possible for me to stay in Madison proper. The only thing that I could afford was the basement apartment in a single family home, owned by a man. The ad specified “cute females only,” and when I saw that, I felt the tears coming like nothing I’d ever felt before.

  Damn it, I thought as I reached up to wipe a tear away from my eyes. Why the hell does this keep happening to me?

  The more listings I combed through, the more alone and hopeless I felt. I felt completely empty and numb inside, and for once, the thought of seeing Kimmy just filled me with ambivalence instead of dread. I hated her for her part in ruining my happiness, but deep down I knew that I couldn’t continue to blame her. She was a jealous cow, sure, but she wasn’t evil. She couldn’t possibly have known the outcome of her actions.

  Swallowing hard, I clicked on the next page of listings. Th
ese weren’t much better—mostly run down one-bedrooms and studios outside of Madison, in ugly outdated buildings from the seventies. More alarming was the fact that there were only twenty-five listings that met my price range. I had a feeling if I didn’t move fast, I wouldn’t even be able to get into one of these ugly places!

  I laid my head down on my arms and began to cry harder than I’d ever cried in my life. In my old life, I would have been much too embarrassed to be wailing in public like this. But I was starting to feel like nothing really mattered. I’d had my chance at real happiness and I’d blown it because I couldn’t be selfish enough to tear Cade away. As Mom would have said, I’d made my bed and now I had to lie in it. As another tear ran down my cheek, I wiped it away and snuffled into the crook of my arm. I missed Cade so much. I missed everything about him—his strength, his love, the way he kissed me so hard I thought I was losing my mind.

  The thought just made me cry all the harder.