The Cleaner

by Kiersten Modglin

  “What would Jesse think?” he asked, trying to conceal his smile.

  “He knows it’s important to me that the two of you have a relationship. Besides, he’s away at a medical conference in Chicago for the next ten days. I could have him fly out to New York to pick us up after if you still need to stay.”

  “Okay,” he agreed. “If you’re sure.”

  “Okay?” Nora squealed, hopping off the couch.

  “If you’re sure you can stand to spend that much time with me.”

  She flung her arms around his waist, nearly knocking him over.

  “Go pack your bags, Nora. I’ll be in there in a second to help you,” Reagan instructed. When she was out of earshot, Reagan turned to Gunner. “Are you sure this is okay? I know I put you on the spot.”

  “I’ll never say no to spending time with you. Either of you. But, I’m not going to assure you this is a good idea.”

  “Why?”

  “Because of who we are, Reagan. And because of who we were.”

  “What? Are you afraid you won’t be able to keep your hands off of me?” she teased.

  “Terrified,” he admitted, his voice a low growl. Her eyes grew wide, the smile disappearing from her face. He felt his skin grow hot as her blank stare transformed into an innocent expression he’d once known well. Her lips parted slightly and her cheeks flushed.

  “Gunner, I—”

  He leaned in without meaning to. “Shhh,” he quieted her, touching a thumb to her bottom lip. He tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, her skin familiar under his palms. She was close to giving in, he could see it in the way she was looking at him.

  Her phone rang loudly, causing them to jump. Gunner backed away as she pulled it from her pocket.

  “Hello?” she called into the phone, her eyes still on him. “Mom, hey, I was just getting ready to call you...what’s wrong?” Her eyes grew wide and she covered her exposed ear though he was making no noise. He watched her disappear down the hallway.

  After a few moments, she returned. She was ghastly white, her mouth slumped open.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  “It’s about Holly,” she stammered, looking as though she may pass out.

  “What about her? Did they figure something out?”

  She nodded, a haunted expression on her face.

  “What is it, Rae?” he asked, almost afraid to know.

  “The results of her toxicology report came back. They’re ruling it a heroin overdose.”

  “What?” His insides twisted at her words. “Was she on drugs?”

  “I don’t think so,” she cried. “I mean, she was always a partier, but I never saw her do anything harder than pot. Then again, I had no idea she was living in New York so I guess I didn’t know her as well as I thought.”

  “I’m so sorry, Reagan.”

  “That’s not all, Gunner,” she said, holding her hand up to stop him as he walked closer.

  “What do you mean?” He froze.

  “Something else showed up on her results.”

  “Another drug?”

  “No,” she said, her breathing growing faster. “Holly was pregnant.”

  * * *

  When they pulled up to the hotel near Louisville, Gunner looked in the backseat. Nora was sound asleep, her face pressed against the window. Reagan smiled at him, touching his shoulder. When they’d stopped, she’d been nearing sleep herself.

  “You can go ahead and check us in. I’ll grab her.”

  He nodded, following instructions. As he walked into the lobby, a slightly nicer place than he would’ve stayed at alone, he glanced around before walking to the front desk. “I need to check in.”

  “Okay,” the man behind the counter said politely. “Just one?”

  “There are three of us. We’ll need two beds.” Gunner pulled out his wallet.

  “Are you a rewards member?” the man asked, staring at the computer screen.

  “No.”

  “Oh,” he held out the word, wincing. “Unfortunately, all we have left are king beds.” Gunner frowned, looking back to the parking lot and trying to make a decision. “You could book two separate rooms though.” Gunner wasn’t sure if he was being taken advantage of, but he didn’t have time to waste. “Okay, fine. Two rooms.”

  “Very well.” The man took the card from Gunner’s hand and charged the rooms, handing over two room keys. “I was able to get you adjoining rooms, hopefully that will help.”

  “Thanks,” he said softly, watching as Reagan entered the building carrying Nora and two bags. “Want me to help?”

  She breathed heavily, her arms shaking. “Please.”

  He was at her side in an instant, scooping the girl up into his arms. He held the room keys between his fingers, gesturing for Reagan to take them. “Separate rooms?” she asked, holding them up.

  “I didn’t want to overstep.”

  She nodded, without saying anything else and pointed to the elevator. They rode up to the third floor in silence, Gunner staring down at the little girl in his arms.

  “I always forget how big she’s gotten,” Reagan said as the door opened and they walked out into the hall. “She still seems so little to me until I go to carry her.”

  Gunner tried to smile, though he felt a lump grow in his throat at realizing he’d never get to hold the baby his daughter had once been. This was the smallest version of her he’d ever know. They walked into the hotel room and Reagan pulled back the sheet so Gunner could place Nora into bed. He pulled her tennis shoes off and covered her up, kissing her forehead awkwardly.

  “Oh, crap, I forgot the other bags from the trunk. Can you wait with her? I’ll go get them,” Reagan told him.

  “No way, you’re not going out there alone. I’ll go get the bags. You stay with Nora.”

  He grabbed a room key from the side table and disappeared through the door before she could protest. After pressing the button and waiting for the golden doors to open, he walked onto the elevator. On his way to the car, he fiddled with the room key, sliding it between his fingers. He grabbed the three bags from the car’s trunk, slinging them over his shoulders.

  Before he went in, he stopped, opening the car door and then the glove box, and grabbed his pack of cigarettes. He lit one quickly, touching it to his lips and inhaling. The warm, familiar tingle filled his lungs. It was the first cigarette he’d had in several weeks. The stress of his situation had him craving the nicotine he’d once loved so much. Or maybe it was something else he was craving. He threw the butt down on the black pavement and smashed it with the toe of his boot.

  When he made it back to the hotel room, he knocked carefully. She opened the door, taking a bag from him. “Thanks,” she said. In his absence, she had changed into flannel pajama pants and a t-shirt. Her hair looked freshly brushed.

  “No problem,” he answered when she looked back at him. “I guess this is my room.” He pointed to the door beside the desk. “I’ll leave you guys for the night. You should get some sleep, it’s going to be an early morning.”

  “Gunner?” she called as he began to walk away.

  “Yeah?” He turned back.

  “Um, I just wondered...would you stay with me for a while? Until I fall asleep, maybe? We can watch TV or whatever. I’m just not used to being somewhere new. It makes me sort of nervous.” She looked embarrassed to admit it.

  He thought for a moment, his brain begging for sleep. “Okay, sure.”

  “Thank you.” She closed her eyes, heaving a sigh of relief. “I know you’re exhausted.”

  He tried to hide his yawn. “I’m all right.”

  She sat down on the bed but jumped back up immediately. “Oh, wait! I have a surprise for you.”

  “A surprise?” He yawned again, watching her run to her bag and dig through it. She produced a small red and white box, something he hadn’t seen in years. “Cracker Jacks? You hate them.” He eyed her suspiciously.

  “I know. But Nora has her fat
her’s taste apparently. They’re her favorite too, so we keep them in the house.” She handed him the box.

  “I don’t want to eat hers.”

  “Trust me,” she paused, pulling out three more boxes. “We have plenty.”

  Gunner smiled, tearing off the top and pouring a few into his mouth. She made her way to the bed again, sitting down carefully so as not to wake Nora. He walked to the chair across the room and sat.

  “So, are you nervous to go back to New York?” she asked.

  “Nervous? Why?”

  “I mean...don’t you ever get scared? Especially now that you know someone who died there. Lots of people die there. I’m just...I guess I’m scared of new places, big cities, anything I don’t know.”

  He shook his head. “New York doesn’t scare me.”

  “Why? Because you’re too big and bad for that?” she teased.

  “No.” He swallowed, too tired for a filter. “Because my biggest fear was losing you. And I already did that.”

  She looked down, obviously not expecting that answer. When she looked back up, her eyes were soft. “I’ve never wanted to go back in time so badly in my life.”

  “Tell me about it,” he said casually, popping another Cracker Jack into his mouth.

  “Didn’t you ever think about calling? Or coming home? Even once?”

  “Of course I did. I can’t count the number of times I drove halfway home just to turn around. Or the times I dialed your number but chickened out and hung up. I couldn’t do it. Especially after they died. I couldn’t face you, couldn’t face the town, my mother—it was all too much.”

  “I came to their memorial service, you know. For Holly, of course. But also because I wanted to see you...I thought you’d be there. When you weren’t, that’s when I knew you weren’t ever coming home.”

  His eyes went dark. “I hated him, Rae. I still do some days. I hated him for taking you from me. I hated him for always being better than I was.” He shook his head. “How sick is it to hold a grudge against a dead guy?”

  She stared at him, unblinking. “In my head, Gavin is still the reason for my broken heart. He’s the reason Nora has grown up without a father. So, if you’re sick...I’m sick too.”

  He offered a small smile. “Maybe we are meant for each other.” When she didn’t respond, he went on. “Hey, I have to ask, what would you have done if I told you I did have something to do with the fire?”

  She sucked in a sharp breath, touching her stomach. “Why?”

  “I’ve always told you I’m not a good guy. I wasn’t lying when I said I didn’t kill my family. That doesn’t mean I couldn’t have prevented it.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It doesn’t matter, I guess. It’s just...it’ll always feel like I could’ve done something to stop it from happening. Gia begged me to take her with me, but she wanted Gavin to go too. I was so mad at him, I couldn’t look past it and see how much they needed me.”

  “Gunner, your dad blew up your house in a drunken rage. I only asked if you had anything to do with it because of the timing. I knew how mad you were, but I always knew you weren’t capable of anything that horrible. No matter what you did or didn’t do, it wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have saved them.”

  “I would’ve come to their funerals if I’d known,” he said quietly. “I threw out my phone when I was leaving town and when I got to New York I didn’t give anyone my new phone number. I didn’t find out until they’d been dead for a few weeks.” He’d never admitted that to anyone.

  “That’s...awful,” she whispered, staring at him in horror.

  “My dad may have been a horrible drunk and Gavin may have ruined my life but they were still my family. I may never forgive them for what they did, but I would’ve come to say goodbye. Especially to Gia. Most of the time, she was my only friend. Until you came along.”

  “Would you come over here?” she asked, patting the spot beside her.

  He did as she asked without thought. “Tell me more about Nora.” The ride from Dale to Louisville had been filled with stories of their daughter, things he’d missed. But eight hours couldn’t make up for seven years worth of memories.

  “Hmmm,” she thought out loud, “well, she’s smart. Top of her class, according to her teachers.”

  “Having a teacher for a mother will do that to you.”

  “Yeah, well, she loves to read like her dad.”

  He loved the way that word sounded rolling off her tongue. “She does?”

  “Oh, yes. She’s a huge reader. And she didn’t get that from me. I hadn’t read a book in years until I had her. We’re reading Lemony Snicket together right now.”

  “What else?”

  “She’s opinionated and bold and unafraid...of everything.” She laughed. “That’s not always a good thing. She’s just...amazing, Gunner. Honestly, she’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”

  He played with a loose thread on the comforter. “I’m so glad. I never thought I’d be a dad. I never thought I wanted to. I didn’t exactly have a role model father to show me the ropes, so even if I became a dad I didn’t think I’d be worth anything as one. And after I found out, well...it took me a while to warm up to the idea, but I’m so happy to get to know her.”

  “You’re good with her.” She pressed her lips together, her eyes squinting as if she were smiling.

  “I’m glad you think so.”

  “You’ve always been good, Gunner. You took care of me like no one ever had. You’re a nurturer. You’re going to be a natural father.”

  “You remember a better version of me than I do.”

  She touched a piece of his hair, rubbing his cheek. It was the first time she’d touched him in what felt like so long. “You aren’t the monster you think you are. I wish you could see yourself the way I do.”

  “How’s that?”

  She closed her eyes, her hand still on his face and for a second he thought she was going to kiss him. “The first time I talked to you...you helped me get home on one of the most humiliating days of my life. You didn’t make me feel embarrassed. You weren’t a typical guy about something you really could have been. You didn’t owe me anything, Gunner. You just...you just did it because you could. You hardly knew me and yet you helped me.”

  He blinked slowly, lost in her words, remembering the start of their love. “The next time,” she went on, “you saved me from being attacked by a horrible boy at a party, even though it ruined your evening. You made me feel safe and you helped me get home without making a fool of myself. You took me to prom and made it one of the most beautiful nights I’ll probably ever experience. You danced with me even though it wasn’t the cool thing to do. You went to my graduation and you clapped when they called my name even though you were supposed to wait. You were the first boy I ever let into my heart and you didn’t take advantage of that. You were the best part of the years we spent together. You were kind to me, respectful of everything I wanted and everything I didn’t. For a while there, I think you stopped seeing yourself as the troublemaking bad boy and became the man you were meant to be. You just need to see him again,” she said. “You are good, Gunner.” She stressed her words, her face close to his.

  “I’m good when I’m around you because you deserve it. There’s a difference in pretending to be good for you and actually being good.”

  “The fact that you even care what I deserve says otherwise.” She pursed her lips, their eyes locked together.

  “I’ll always care what you deserve, Rae.” She stared at him, her hand caressing his face, eyes dancing between his. “So, I hope Jesse is that.” He broke the tension, looking away.

  She blinked, suddenly aware of what was happening, and moved her hand. “Gunner, Jesse is a good guy. But that doesn’t mean I love him like I love you.”

  “Love? Not loved?” His heart leapt at her words.

  “It’ll always be love with us. For me, anyway.” She sighed.

 
“For me too,” he whispered instantly, waiting for her to finish her thought.

  “It’s like...no matter how much bad there was between us, how much I hated you when you left...I can’t forget how much I need you in my life. Even if it is too late.”

  He stroked her hand where it rested on her knee. “It’s only too late if you let it be.”

  “Jesse doesn’t deserve this,” she told him though she didn’t pull away.

  “What about what you deserve?”

  “You’re the one with all of these wild notions about what I deserve.”

  “You deserve happiness. Whether or not that’s with me.”

  “Jesse came along at a time when I was really alone. Nora was getting ready to start school and I was struggling with doing it all by myself. He stepped into the spot where you should have been and I’ll always be thankful for that. He’s good to me. He takes care of us. I’m comfortable with him. I don’t have to worry like I did before. But comfortability doesn’t always equal happiness.”

  “What does?”

  She laced her fingers in his. “This. Sitting here with you after all these years. Having our little family together. Seeing you with our daughter. Being able to sit in a strange hotel in a town I’ve never been to and feel completely at home because you’re here. That’s happiness, Gunner. And I’m so scared to say goodbye to that. I’m so scared I’m going to wake up to you gone again.”

  He leaned into her without reservation, resting his forehead on hers. She closed her eyes, sucking in a sharp breath. “I’m not going anywhere ever again,” he promised her, his heart racing.

  She leaned her chin forward, their lips brushing cautiously. He kissed her gently at first, amazed at how quickly she fell into his arms. He had been waiting for this, he realized, since he laid eyes on her that first night back in town. A weight escaped his chest in the form of a breath, everything suddenly feeling right.

  He ran his hands through her hair slowly, their breaths syncing as their kiss grew. “Gunner,” she whispered his name once, and then again more sharply, pulling away.