Safe Words

by Magnolia Robbins

  “I really want to work on this,” I told her. “You trusted me with this, I want to see it through.” Scarlett took pause for a moment, thinking.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow, Ms. Ross,” Scarlett said, her voice having grown gentle. “Good luck.” She reached out to touch my hand for a moment. I shivered when she did and wished for a moment I hadn’t turned her down. After she’d walked away, I turned my attention back to my notes.

  It was after eight when I left for the night. I caught a taxi home and stopped at the corner Chinese restaurant to pick up some cashew chicken before I went back to the apartment. As I’d entered the building, I nearly dropped my food in surprise.

  Megan was sitting on the floor outside of my apartment, engrossed in a book. Just seeing her caused my body to shake, both in anger and anxiety. When she looked up, she looked panicked. “I know I’m not supposed to be here,” she said, getting to her feet. I didn’t know what to say, so I just stared at her. “I just wanted to talk to you for a minute. I promise I won’t stay long.”

  “Megan,” I managed to reply, clearing my throat. I didn’t even want to know how she’d found my apartment. “There’s a restraining order against you. You can’t be here..” My voice trailed off when I met eyes with her. She looked pleading. “Fine. What do you want?”

  “Please don’t go through with it tomorrow,” Megan said. “I’m begging you. I promise I won’t bother you anymore.”

  For a long moment, I was in such disbelief of what she was asking, I barely knew how to respond. This had happened so many times before, I’d lost count. “I’ve told you not to do a lot of things and you do them anyway,” I argued. “What makes this time any different?”

  Megan didn’t respond at first, only dug through her purse. When she pulled out the red sweatshirt, I almost cried. “Because I came to give you this.” I took it from her, studying it for a long moment. I hadn’t thought about it in months, thinking I’d never see it again. It was one of the few keepsakes of my mother’s that I had to remember her by since she’d passed while I was in school. When I’d broken up with Megan, she had held it hostage from me. “I’m sorry I didn’t give it back to you sooner. I know how much it meant to you.”

  “Thank you,” I breathed, holding it to my chest. When we met eyes, Megan’s looked soft and calm. The anger I had for her dissipated and I felt more compelled to listen.

  “Please just consider it,” Megan said again. “That’s all I’m asking.” I studied her for a moment before I nodded. Once she was satisfied, she situated her purse back on her shoulder. We stared at each other again and when we met eyes, Megan took a step forward towards me. “Can I buy you a cup of coffee? We can talk?”

  Even the small movement from her sent my body into a panic. I moved back, pushing against the wall. My hand went out in front of me and I fought to catch my breath. When Megan realized what she’d done, she took a step back from me and I started to calm.

  “I’m seeing someone,” I said, staring at her again, my face firm. “And it’s serious. I’ve moved on Megan. This thing between us, it doesn’t exist anymore. If you are going to stay away like you promised you would, I suggest you realize that.”

  Megan looked shocked but she didn’t argue. She fidgeted with her purse on her shoulder for a moment before she nodded. I watched her move past me and down the hallway a bit.

  “Take care of yourself, Natalia,” she said, while she turned to look at me once more. The way she said it was so finite. It sent a wave of emotion through me that I wasn’t expecting.

  “Goodbye, Megan,” I replied, nodding to her as I placed a hand on the doorknob of the apartment. Before I entered, I watched as she wandered off, clinging my mother’s treasured keepsake to my chest.

  Chapter Nine

  I DIDN’T SLEEP. INSTEAD, I paced the apartment, staring mindlessly at infomercials on the television, debating calling someone. When I managed to doze, it was brief. The sun peeked through my basement window, beating against my eyelids. The clock read a little after six. I was supposed to be at the courthouse by eight. As soon as I was coherent enough, I reached for my phone. My fingers tapped against the screen without thinking. The message was short and left little explanation.

  I’m not going. I changed my mind. I’m sorry.

  Before I had a chance to decide otherwise, I sent it to Justine. Scarlett, on the other hand, would be another matter. How I would explain myself to her was beyond me. Especially after she’d gone through the trouble to help me find a lawyer. When I worked up the nerve to call her, the phone went straight to voicemail. My message was almost identical as the one I’d left Justine and I wasted no time hanging up as soon as I could.

  It wasn’t long before there were calls to my phone. I’d lost my nerve to answer. I wasn’t in the mood to explain. While I worked in the kitchen making breakfast, I turned on the television to distract myself. By the time I’d sat down to eat, there was a loud banging at my door. I’d known that knock for so long, it was obvious who it was.

  “I know you’re there, Nat,” I heard Justine holler from outside. For a moment, I thought about ignoring her and pretending I wasn’t. Shortly after I was plagued with guilt and went to the door. Justine had a murderous look to her eyes when I opened it. “What the hell? You bailed? You better have a really good reason.”

  “I don’t, really,” I replied, still not up for explaining myself.

  Justine looked flabbergasted. “Are you kidding?” She sat at the kitchen table and I followed suit, sitting across from her. It had been a long time since I’d seen her so agitated. Her fingers drummed on the wood top and it reminded me of Scarlett. The thought of her sent me into a deeper pit of despair, realizing I’d still have to deal with that later.

  I couldn’t stand the way Justine was looking at me anymore. We met eyes, and I spilled the details of my encounter with Megan the previous night. Justine looked shocked at first, unable to believe I’d given her the time of day. Part of me couldn’t believe I had either. When she realized I was wearing my mother’s sweater, something changed in the way she looked at me. It wasn’t understanding, however. It was a look of pity.

  “Natalia, I’m worried about you,” Justine finally spoke. While I wanted to argue with her, I couldn’t find the words to say. She had a right to be angry at me for the hearing. Even I had been disappointed with myself. “You can’t keep letting Megan have a hold of your life like this.”

  I started to get angry. Defensive. While I’d appreciated my friend’s opinion, it was beginning to stress me out. “You know, you’ve been obsessing a lot about my life. Questioning my decisions. I wish for once you’d just have a little faith in me.”

  “It would be easier if you’d make smarter choices,” Justine argued. Her words stung.

  “What, like not being in a relationship with Scarlett?”

  “No, like showing up to your court hearing and following through with this restraining order to protect yourself. Scarlett is another matter.”

  We didn’t speak for a moment. I still felt angry. “Thanks for worrying, but I think I can handle making my own decisions without your constant meddling.” The minute I said it, I regretted it, but it was already out there. Justine’s face dropped and I could tell she was hurt. I didn’t care. She’d already taken punches at me too.

  “Fine, Natalia, if that’s what you want I’ll butt out.” I watched her stand up from the table, fetching her purse from the countertop in the kitchen. We met eyes again before she headed towards the door.

  “Justine,” I called out to her, and she turned towards me. A hint of guilt flooded through me when I saw her expression. She looked sad. I found myself unable to formulate words.

  “Just take care of yourself,” she said. There was nothing else exchanged. Before I knew it, she’d disappeared out the door and into the hallway.

  I was in a bitter mood when I reached the Stitch office that morning. It took over an hour of convincing myself that I was capable of fa
cing Scarlett before I left the apartment. Andrea didn’t seem in any better of a state, scolding me the moment I’d entered. I spent most of the morning following her around the office, listening to her complain. While it would normally annoy me, I was so preoccupied with my own thoughts I didn’t take much notice. Scarlett had yet to arrive and I knew when she did, I’d receive an earful.

  “Natalia, I swear if you don’t start paying attention...” My mind returned to what I was doing. Andrea was holding out another file folder full of old articles from several years ago.

  “I need to finish the article for Scarlett,” I reminded her as she closed a file drawer.

  “You’ll help me with this first,” Andrea said, and I followed her back across the room to her desk. “I need you to pull all the Chanel articles from these folders and have them to me by the end of the day.”

  “Andrea,” I argued as she sat back down at her desk. “I don’t have time to do this.”

  “I didn’t ask if you had time. I said do it.”

  Annoyed and agitated, I went back to my seat with the folders. Once I’d sat them on the side of my desk, I collapsed into my chair. I barely had a moment to think.

  “My jacket,” Her familiar voice trailed from across the room. When Scarlett made her way around the front and into the office, my eyes followed her entrance. She looked stunning, as usual, in another fitted suit. As she approached, I wondered if she had been wearing it to the courthouse. Panic flooded through me, worried if she’d even gotten my message that morning. I expected her to be annoyed, and I was surprised when she didn’t act like it. She paused at my desk, looking down at me. It was hard to read her expression. “The article?”

  “I’ll have it to you before I leave today,” I promised. There were words I wanted to say after, but I hesitated. As she moved to her office, I got up to follow her. The door shut behind her, the wood landing right at my nose. Maybe she was just a little mad.

  Instead of bothering Scarlett further, I set to work on Andrea’s chores, determined to get them done as soon as possible. When I finished, it was nearing two o’clock. I returned to Andrea’s desk, handing her the stack of papers. She looked at me, her ear attached to a phone. After she nodded, I scurried back to my desk to work on the article for Scarlett.

  By five, I was exhausted, but I’d finished a draft. After I printed it off, I approached Scarlett’s office, knocking. There was a long pause before I was summoned inside. She was busy hovering over things on her desk. As I entered, she didn’t acknowledge me. “I’m assuming you have the article,” Scarlett’s voice was soft but firm. I moved to her desk, setting it alongside the other papers she was working on. Afterward, I stood quietly, hoping she’d look up. When she didn’t, I cleared my throat.

  “Scarlett...”

  “Ms. Stone,” Scarlett corrected me, meeting my eyes.

  I ignored her. “I thought it was the right decision.” When her facial expression didn’t change, I continued. “I know you wanted me to do it. I’ll pay you back for the lawyer, you don’t have to worry.”

  Scarlett shook her head. “I believe you’re missing the point, Ms. Ross.”

  “I couldn’t do that to her,” I said, almost pleadingly, wanting her to understand.

  “If you value her opinion over your own safety and wellbeing, I suppose that’s your decision.” Scarlett studied me again and I could tell there was a hint of frustration in her eyes. “But that doesn’t mean I will sit idly by and watch you do it.”

  “You too?” I felt myself getting angry again. “Why can’t anyone trust me to make my own decisions? She came yesterday and asked me to drop the charges. I didn’t want to put her, or me through something that was unnecessary.”

  “That is your decision, Natalia.” When Scarlett said my name, my stomach did a flip. She studied her paperwork again, giving me no mind. I didn’t know what to say to her so I stood at her desk awkwardly. She looked up again. “That’s all.”

  I hadn’t heard her say that in a long while. At least not in that way. When she did, a tinge of anger bubbled to the surface. Instead of replying, I turned on my heel, making my way out to my desk. As soon as I gathered my things, I fled from the office, grateful for the escape.

  Somehow I managed to get through the next day without uttering another word to Scarlett. Instead I worked on a new article I was asked to write and helped Andrea with her project for Chanel. By the time I left that day, I was grateful for the weekend.

  When I’d made it back to the apartment, it wasn’t long until it occurred to me how alone I felt. The small studio was so quiet, I could hear myself breathing. No amount of television or reading would chase the feelings I was experiencing away. I tried calling Justine again, but it went to voicemail. After, I tried Scarlett, to no avail. Finally I was so desperate for someone to talk to, I called Andrea. Surprisingly, she answered.

  “I hope you are dying, Natalia,” Andrea sounded annoyed, but it didn’t matter.

  “I wanted to say hi,” I replied, laying on my couch.

  Andrea let out a laugh. “You’re calling to chat? Are you ill?”

  I sighed. “What are you doing?” The last thing on earth I imagined myself doing was socializing with Andrea. Yet here I was, for the first time since I’d known her, wanting her attention.

  “I just got home, if you must know,” Andrea said. “I’ll be making dinner here in a moment and then I will be relaxing. Since it is the weekend, you know. If you’re bored, I could always give you something to do.”

  For whatever reason, I found myself laughing. When I’d finished, I spoke again. “Would you like to hang out with me?” I couldn’t believe I’d said it. How desperate I must have been.

  There was a long pause on the line. I’d have bet all of my savings she’d turn me down. Finally, Andrea spoke again. “Do you like sushi?”

  The two of us met at a small restaurant near the Baker Publishing building. Andrea lived nearby. Even with our awkward relationship, Andrea and I found plenty to talk about. I heard stories of her work at Stitch over the past few years and her love for fashion. It was clear how much Andrea adored Scarlett by the way she talked about her.

  “Diana is trying to take the company away from Scarlett,” Andrea said in the middle of our conversation. “She approached me a few weeks ago asking for information. Of course I didn’t dare give it to her, but she’s definitely trying to ruin Scarlett.”

  “That’s not surprising,” I found myself saying. After what Scarlett had told me, I was surprised she hadn’t done it sooner.

  Andrea looked surprised at the remark. “Why do you say that?”

  I scrambled for some excuse. The less Andrea knew about how close I’d gotten with Scarlett, the better. “I overheard Scarlett talking about how Diana had worked with her before. It seems like she had a vested interest in the company.”

  “Well, she would,” Andrea agreed. “Diana’s was the one who got her the offer at Baker Publishing. If it weren’t for her, Scarlett wouldn’t have been as successful as she was.”

  The two of us chatted for a long while. By the time we’d left the restaurant, I was growing tired. Just as I was calling a taxi, Andrea offered me a small hug. It was the strangest thing I’d experienced in a while. I hugged her back and then she took off down the street back towards her apartment without another word.

  Early the next morning, I picked up scones and two Americanos in thermoses from Jason’s before I took a cab across town to Scarlett’s building. When I buzzed up to her, she answered on the camera. My heart thumped hard in my chest when I saw her. She wore that beautiful black robe, her hair messy from having not fixed it yet. Even still, she was magnificent.

  “Scarlett,” I said, before she could speak. “Can I please come up? I have breakfast.”

  Scarlett seemed to hesitate for a moment, studying me. She nodded, and I hopped inside the elevator. The ride was long, as usual, but when I got up to the floor of her penthouse, I was relieved to see her wa
iting for me at the doors. As soon as we saw one another, I went to her. Once I’d sat the food on the table in the hallway, I took her hand.

  “I’m so sorry, Scarlett,” I said, squeezing her hand in my own. I felt her thumb caress my skin. “I should have listened to all of you. I’ll fix this, I promise.”

  “Come sit,” Scarlett replied, leading me down the hall to her living space. We sat on her luxurious white leather sofa. I put the food and drinks on the coffee table, being sure to use a coaster for the drinks. Once I had, I turned to face her. She was studying me quietly. I watched as she reached out her hand, stroking my cheek with her fingertips. My body leaned into it and I closed my eyes for a moment.

  “I’m sorry,” I said again, once I’d opened my eyes.

  Scarlett broke into a soft smile. “Natalia, there’s no need for apologies. Like I said the other day, my only concern is your safety.”

  I nodded. Her hand still stroked my cheek. It felt like things were okay, but I asked anyway. “Are we-” Scarlett nodded, and I sighed. “I brought breakfast.” I handed her the scone and the Americano in a thermos. She got up, and I followed her into the kitchen to fetch plates and cups.

  When we sat at the table together, we grew lost in conversation again. By the time I’d finished my scone and most of my coffee, I was longing to be with her. Her hands on my body. Her commanding voice telling me my every motion. My hand purposefully slipped on my mug, letting it topple over onto the table. The remainder of my drink spilled across it.

  Scarlett studied me for a moment before she moved from her seat to my side of the table. “Are we making messes again Ms. Ross?” The way she said it sent shivers through me. I nodded, and as she lifted me from my seat under my arm. Once she had me standing, she leaned me across the table, my backside in the air. Her hands reached around me, unfastening the button of my pants. She pulled my clothes to my ankles, letting her fingers rake down my flesh as she did. I could barely contain myself. When I turned my head, I watched her disappear to the closet, retrieving my most favorite possession.