Fulfillment

by Golland, K. M.

“What’s wrong with you then? Is your fiery whole singed?” I said as I choked on the wine I had just swallowed.

  “You’re such a bitch. No, I really like him, and I don’t want to screw this up.”

  “You’re not going to screw this up, Carls,” I said quietly, as I pulled her hands into mine and squeezed them with reassurance.

  “How can you be so sure?” she groaned.

  “Well, I can’t, Hun. But I know you, and you’re awesome. Derek seems to like your awesomeness as well, so just be yourself and go with the flow. Don’t try to change who you are.”

  “It’s not that simple,” she whinged.

  “Carly?”

  “Yes,” she replied, her tone laced with hostility.

  “Do you want to fuck Derek?”

  “Yes,” she sighed.

  “Well, that’s fucking great, because I want to fuck you, too,” Derek said as he stepped up beside Carly. “How bout tonight? My house. I’ll even cook you dinner first.”

  Carly looked like she had shrunk about two sizes.

  “I won’t bite, Carls...” He bent down and leaned closer to her ear, “unless you want me to.”

  Her eyes widened and a small, embarrassed smile appeared on her face. I couldn’t help but smile along with her.

  “Sure,” she answered, shakily.

  “Good.” He stood back up as if he had not just blown Carly’s mind. “Alexis, how you feeling?”

  “As nervous as fuck,” I answered, continuing with his blasé attitude and ability to easily change the subject. I held up my hands to see if they were shaking. Surprisingly, they weren’t.

  “Don’t be. The last time we rehearsed you were fine. I will pick up the chords if you falter. Now, Lucy is gonna call Charli up on stage as soon as our set finishes, then you’ll be next.”

  “Okay,” I nodded.

  Carls still hadn’t moved, still slightly stunned but now staring greedily at Derek.

  “Hope you like chicken. I make a mean satay,” he declared before he kissed her quickly then headed back to the stage.

  I watched Carly come back down to earth in the seconds after Derek left.

  “I don’t,” she said as she finally made eye contact with me.

  “You don’t what?”

  “Like satay,” she admitted.

  I laughed.

  “But fuck! I’ll eat it for him. I’ll even eat it off him if he wants.” She dropped her head to the table in surrender.

  ***

  Charli and Nate returned shortly after, eating their ice cream sundaes while we watched the band kill some popular covers and play some of their own songs. I hadn’t yet had a chance to listen to the CD that Derek gave me for my birthday, but after hearing the two songs they played, I was going to make it a priority—they were great songs.

  “When do I get to sing?” Charli asked excitedly. Geez, I wish I had her enthusiasm.

  “Derek said when they finish this first set of songs, Charli,” Carls explained. “So what are you going to sing?”

  “I’m going to sing “True Colours”. Lucy has been helping me practice. I like that song because it’s about rainbows.” Oh, my, God! When has Lucy been helping her practice?

  Just as I was about to ask her, Lucy called her up on stage. She jumped up like a grasshopper and made her way toward Lucy. Bryce took a seat beside me and placed his hand on my thigh.

  “We have a very special guest here today to perform a song for you,” Lucy said into the microphone as she adjusted her seated position behind the keyboard. “I’d like to introduce you all to Miss Charlotte Summers. She is going to help me sing “True Colours” by Cyndi Lauper.”

  Charli took a seat next to Lucy and moved the microphone down so that it was positioned perfectly in front of her mouth. “Hi everyone,” she said happily, addressing the room’s occupants with confidence.

  Lucy started playing the keyboard, making my heart beat heavily in my chest, excitement and anticipation radiating through me. I sat straight up and beamed at my brave and beautiful little girl, waiting for her voice to fill my ears.

  When it did sound throughout the roof top, it brought a tear to my eye. She was so confident and smiled as she sang each and every word. Lucy joined in on the chorus which made Charli smile even brighter, and before I knew it, I was dabbing my eyes more often.

  Bryce squeezed my leg and whispered into my ear. “She has been practising a lot.”

  “When? How?” I asked, dumbfounded.

  “Sometimes it’s easier to hide something blatantly than it is to hide it furtively.”

  I shot him a quick glance. Shit! Did he know about my surprise? I smiled timidly and turned back to Charli. She was more than half way through the song with no hesitation, just confidence and poise; loving what she was doing. Her ability to take that stage and sing to a room full of people made me so proud of her. It also gave me the nerve I needed to do the same for Bryce, that, and Carly’s advice to just sing it to him.

  As the song winded down to a close and Lucy slowly pressed the final keys on the keyboard, the room erupted into a round of applause. I got to my feet— thankful that I no longer needed any form of walking aid—and clapped the loudest.

  “Thank you very much,” Charli said as she positioned herself in the middle of the stage and curtsied. I laughed at her brazenness and winked at her as she made her way toward me.

  Meeting her half way, I knelt down and wrapped my arms around her, giving her a tight squeeze. “That was absolutely beautiful, Charli-Bear. I am so proud of you.”

  “That was so cool, Mum! I want to be a singer when I get older.”

  Normally I would say ‘add it to the list’ or ‘that’s nice’ knowing she would change her mind more than likely the very next day, but I could see the determination in her eyes this time. “You can be anything you want, Darling.” I gave her a quick squeeze then noticed Derek grab Bryce’s guitar.

  Lucy stepped down from the stage and squatted next to us. “Well done, Charli. That was perfect. Now it’s Mummy’s turn, and she is going to be perfect too.” She gave me a reassuring grin. Charli looked at me confused.

  I winked at her and put my finger to my lips. “Shhh, it’s a secret for Bryce.”

  Standing back up, I smoothed down the front of my pink floral patterned dress. I’d pinned my hair up on purpose, making sure it was neatly secured and out of my way.

  “You’ll be fine,” Lucy said as she stood, giving my hand a quick squeeze. She then proceeded to direct Charlotte back to the table. I continued on and stepped up on the stage, taking a deep breath before turning around. When I did turn around I found Bryce’s eyes and his eyes only, causing an overwhelming calm to roll across me. I smiled at him and his brow furrowed.

  Derek stepped up to the stool I was standing by and handed me Bryce’s guitar, having prepared it for me moments ago. I put the strap over my head and took a seat on the stool, adjusting the microphone comfortably.

  As I repositioned it, I spoke to the crowd, but my message was for one person. “Hello everyone. I have to let you all in on a little secret. You see, for the past few months, I have been learning to play the guitar for the sole purpose of performing here today as a surprise for someone who means the world to me.” I allowed my eyes to find Bryce’s again. “This special someone and I suffered a great tragedy recently, and in amongst that tragedy, I came to realise that I couldn’t live without him. He always finds ways to support me and give me everything that I could possibly want or need. So I wanted to give him something back, something only I could give him. Bryce, this is from me to you.”

  His face was emotionless, but not in a bad way. I think he was in shock in some way or another. I looked down and positioned my fingers and began strumming, counting the 6/8 time signature. Derek joined in, playing his part and smiling encouragingly at me. I looked up again, deliberately finding Bryce as I sang the opening line. He adjusted his seated position, leaning forward with his elbows balanced on his knees an
d his hand covering his mouth. He shook his head in disbelief, which made me smile through the lyrics as I continued to play the song.

  When I got to the chorus, I emphasized that he was my only exception by looking deep into his eyes and singing the words to him and him only. He repeated the shaking of his head at me, shock and disbelief still plastered across his face. Lucy gave him a loving nudge to the shoulder but he didn’t take his eyes from mine.

  As I began the second verse, I relaxed a little and swayed to the rhythm, closing my eyes and letting the song absorb me. I sang like this until the song escalated into the chorus, which was when I reopened my eyes to find Carly, Nate, Charli and the rest of the band smiling and swaying along with me. The fact that I had naturally closed my eyes stunned me a little, instantly worrying me that I may have stuffed up my playing in one way or another. Ironically, worrying if I had stuffed up or not, caused me to then accidently miss a chord, but luckily it was the chord that Derek played along with me, so my mistake would’ve gone unnoticed to majority of the room. I gave Derek a knowing look, but he just continued to smile reassuringly.

  So I stepped it up a little and held the final note in the chorus, deciding I would do what I had informed Derek I wanted to do. I stood up and removed my guitar, gently placing it on my stool, then I grabbed the microphone from the stand with the intention to concentrate more on my vocals. As the song escalated during the bridge, I started to make my way down off the stage, just like Bryce had done when he played the guitar solo for me. I watched his expression change from awed disbelief to amusement as I slowly stepped toward him singing the lyrics in the bridge. I stopped just in front of him and held the longest note before the final chorus then dropped my hand from the microphone to touch his face as I once again told him he was the only exception. He placed his hands on top of mine and pressed them to the side of his face then pulled me to him, forcing me to sit on his lap. I giggled a lyric as he helped position me comfortably on top of him, wrapping his arms around my back and across my lap.

  I looked into his eyes as I sang the final line, and no longer able to hold in my emotion, I let a tear fall to my cheek. He reached up and wiped it tenderly with his finger then pulled me down to kiss him. The crowd then broke into applause, some even sounding a few wolf whistles, but I didn’t pull away, my lips were stuck on his—perfectly attached. He threaded his fingers through my hair and tightened his grip as his tongue found mine, lovingly caressing it with passionate strokes. Eventually, he loosened his grip and released me from his kiss.

  “You are incredible. I’m...” He shook his head and looked down, his eyes level with my chest. “I’m just so...” He looked back up to my face. “I...thank you—”

  I interrupted him, seeing he was struggling for words. “You’re welcome. Sometimes it’s easier to hide something furtively than it is to hide it blatantly,” I said with a sneaky smile, reversing his earlier explanation.

  “Nice work, Alexis,” said Will, while tilting his beer in my direction. “Now we can finally get rid of Derek.”

  Derek stopped by the chair Bryce and I were sitting on. “I heard that, arsehole.”

  I climbed off of Bryce’s lap and stood up, giving Derek a hug. “Thank you so much. But, fuck I’m glad that is over.” I whispered into his ear.

  He chuckled and pulled away. “You did great.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I did miss that chord.”

  “What chord?” he said with a shrug of his shoulders, obviously trying to dismiss my mistake.

  Bryce stood up and shook Derek’s hand. “Thanks, Mate. Although, I’m not too sure what to think about your ability to spend so much time with my girl behind my back without me knowing.”

  Derek patted Bryce on the back. “You should be worried about that, Mate,” he said playfully before he moved away to pull up a chair next to Carly.

  “Mum?”

  I turned to Charlotte. “Yes, Sweetheart.”

  “Do you want to be in my band?” she offered like quite the bargaining professional. “You can play the guitar and help me sing the songs. I’ll be the lead singer though.”

  I laughed and ran my hand down her head. “Sure. I’d love to.”

  Bryce insisted I take my seat back on his lap while the band finished their drinks before having to get up to perform their final set. He made his possession of me quite obvious through his touch, whether it was his hand placed on my lap or his fingers that gently caressed my lower back. Every now again I would catch him staring up at me or at my hands, and when I did catch him staring at my hands I would move them to find his, seizing them and breaking his trance.

  “Are you alright? You seem a bit lost in thought?” I whispered as I leaned back into him.

  He inconspicuously moved my hair away from my neck and with a voice no louder than my own, breathed out. “I’m just thinking about all the ways I can show you how much I fucking enjoyed that performance, how fucking perfect it was and how fucking perfect you are.”

  I took a sip of my wine and swallowed heavily.

  “If you are not already carrying our next child, my love, you will be by the end of the night.”

  I leaned forward and put my glass down then turned back to him. “Well, best you hurry up and finish this set. We have work to do.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  Bryce, Derek, Will, Matt, and Lucy played the remainder of their gig, and I watched the ease with which they all complimented each other. None of them were serious die hard musicians in a sense that they wanted to live and breathe performing, they all just seemed to casually enjoy being able to get together and play for a group of people. I wondered if, at any stage during the past, they’d wanted to become a professionally-signed band. My curiosity would have to be addressed later.

  Now that the gig was coming to a close, I found myself starting to think about my pending conversation with Rick, the one I planned on having with him when we dropped Nate and Charli off at the house. A year of separation between the two of us was fast approaching, and I needed to discuss with him my wish to apply for a divorce. I didn’t really know how he would react to my request, and it worried me that it would ruin the good progress we had made with each other of late.

  “Ready to go?” Bryce asked, as he slid his hand across my back, resting it on my hip.

  “No, Alexis and I need the ladies room,” Carly insisted. Do I? I gave Carly an unsure glance, her expression enforcing that I did. Oh, okay...I do need the loo.

  “Be back in a minute. I’ll meet you at the car.” I gave him a quick peck on the lips and followed Carly to the bathroom.

  As we pushed through the door, I gave Carly my questioning stare. “So why the last minute toilet trip?”

  “Because I need to go,” she answered flatly.

  Okay, well I guess I’ll go too. I entered the cubicle next to her. “Why else?” I probed further as I awkwardly relieved myself.

  “Because I’m still shitting bricks,” she divulged. Not the best choice of words while in the toilet, Carls.

  “Literally or figuratively speaking, Carls? We are in the loo, remember?”

  “Figuratively, you idiot! I’m terrified of having sex with Derek, and clearly he wants it...tonight!”

  “Carls, for God’s sake just screw the man. What is wrong with you? I’ve never seen you this apprehensive about intimacy, ever!” I flushed the toilet and made my way to the sink.

  Carls followed shortly after. “I don’t fucking know. I hate this feeling. What. The. Fuck, is this feeling?”

  “I think it’s lurrvvee,” I purred like an adolescent idiot.

  She shrugged it off. “Pfft. It’s not love. I barely know him.”

  I flicked water at her head, getting her attention. “You love him.”

  She wiped her head and made a spitting noise at me. “You’re disgusting.”

  “Well, you are falling for him at least. That’s the only explanation.”

  She looked at her reflection in the mirror
as if she were trying to catch herself in a lie. “Urgh! You’re right. I think I’m falling in love with him, and I haven’t even seen his cock yet. This is insane.”

  I moved to the hand dryer, raising my voice over the loud hum. “No, it’s not. It’s exciting and wonderful, and the first time you have sex with him is going to be great.”

  A smile teased at the corner of Carly’s mouth as she joined me to dry her hands.

  “Go home Carls. Shave your legs, arms, pussy and toes if you have to—”

  “I don’t have hairy toes. Who has hairy toes?”

  “Shave whatever needs shaving, then moisturize and do all the fucked up shit we think we have to do before we let a man see us naked. Then make sure you practice your alphabet to loosen the muscles in your face.” I started empathising the letters ‘A’ and ‘O’ opening my mouth wide, suggestively. “When was the last time you sucked cock? It’s been a while hasn’t it? You would’ve told me, otherwise.”

  She sheepishly looked away. “Fuck off.”

  “Yeah, I thought as much.”

  “Well, I’m not telling you anymore.” She walked past me and pushed the door open back out onto the rooftop.

  “Oh yes you will. I want a phone call first thing tomorrow morning.”

  ***

  Bryce and I drove to my former house to deliver the kids to Rick for the next few days. He invited us in for a drink which we accepted, however, it was slightly strange sitting at my former dining table, in my former house with my former husband. Strange as it was though, it was exactly that...the former. The past. History. And in order to move on from history, I needed to get the wheels of my divorce in motion, I just didn’t know how to break it to Rick. Letting my nerves get the better of me, I decided to chicken out and tell him another time, and as we made our way out of the house, Rick must’ve picked up on my withholding of information—he was always good at sensing my reluctance.

  “Lex, you got a minute?” he asked, as Bryce and I stepped out the front door. I’d already kissed the kids goodbye, and they were now out playing in the backyard.