by Laura Martin
‘I just wish I had had an hour with him,’ Louisa said quietly, ‘to confront him and to force him to answer my questions.’
Robert squeezed her arm gently and Louisa felt his strength flowing into her. She had to accept she would never have answers. She would never know why her parents chose Mr Craven as her guardian and she would never know whether he had been involved in their deaths. In the past the uncertainty had upset her immeasurably, but today, with Robert beside her, Louisa felt herself letting go a little. Now was the time to look forward, not back. She might never have the answers to her questions, but she had her freedom and she had her entire life stretching out in front of her.
They walked in silence for a few minutes. Louisa glanced sideways at Robert every few seconds. She wanted to know more about him. Just as she was plucking up the courage to ask Robert a little about himself, he paused and pointed to a gateway.
‘Hyde Park, Miss Turnhill. The first of many London parks I promise to take you to.’
The park was quiet at this time, only a few young children with their nannies running around on the grass and one or two groups of young ladies strolling under parasols.
‘We shouldn’t meet anyone at this time,’ Robert said as he guided her into the park.
Louisa realised that was why he’d checked his pocket watch earlier; he hadn’t wanted them to bump into anyone. She wondered if he were ashamed of her, but quickly dismissed the thought. It would have been easy to send her off to some far-flung corner of England, far away from the prying eyes and wagging tongues of society, but instead he’d kept her here in London. No, Robert Fleetwood wasn’t ashamed of her, she thought it more likely he wanted to protect her from having to answer any awkward questions.
It felt strange to Louisa to have someone looking out for her. For years she’d only been able to depend upon herself. She didn’t think she would ever get used to someone else worrying about her welfare.
‘You have a very tough decision to make now, Miss Turnhill.’ Robert turned to her with a grave expression on his face.
Louisa’s heart dropped. She’d been enjoying not thinking about her circumstances for a few minutes.
‘You need to choose whether you’d like to go and take a stroll around the Serpentine or sample the delicious new delicacy all society are talking about: flavoured ices.’
Louisa pretended to consider her decision very carefully. ‘Are you sure I have to decide?’ she asked.
‘This is your outing, Miss Turnhill, your wish is my command.’
‘Then I wish to do both.’
Robert smiled one of his rare smiles and Louisa caught a glimpse of the carefree young man he must have once been. Again she wondered what had happened during the war to make him quite so serious and withdrawn, but she knew now wasn’t the right time to ask. They were having an enjoyable morning in the park and she didn’t want to do anything to jeopardise that.
They strolled arm in arm around the Serpentine. Every few minutes Robert would impart some bit of knowledge about the park or London, and Louisa would listen with interest. She loved the way he spoke, he seemed so knowledgeable about so many things. Louisa’s own education had been cut short—Mr Craven hadn’t thought it necessary to continue her lessons after her parents had died. Although she’d read hundreds of the dusty books in the old man’s library, it wasn’t the same as a formal education.
She realised she must seem completely uneducated to Robert.
He’d stopped at the water’s edge and together they stared out across the still water.
‘It’s beautiful,’ Louisa said, glancing at Robert. ‘I feel so lucky, being here with you.’
She turned to face him and felt the emotion welling up inside her.
‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘Thank you for giving me a chance to experience the world for myself. Even if I was taken back to the asylum today I’d never forget the time we’ve spent together.’
Robert slowly turned to look at her and Louisa felt her breath catch in her throat at the intensity of his gaze.
‘This is your right, Louisa. Every experience and every new sight is something you deserve to have.’
Louisa felt her tongue dart out to moisten her lips. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from his. His words were said so passionately she understood how he had led troops into battle; she would follow him anywhere in this instant.
For seconds their eyes remained locked together. Louisa felt her body sway instinctively towards his and the gap between them closed.
She could see the desire in his eyes. He wanted to kiss her, just as much as she wanted to kiss him, but he didn’t move.
Louisa felt the confusion wash over her. She wanted him so much, she wanted him to devour her with his mouth, to lay her down on the grass and cover her body with his own. Never before had she known such a strong physical attraction to someone. Yet at odds with the primal urge she had whenever she looked at him was the small voice in the back of her head telling her to run, to get as far away from the generous man with the serious eyes as possible. Falling for him could only bring trouble. He would hurt her just like everyone else, no matter how kind and caring he seemed now.
Despite a myriad of doubts Louisa still wanted him to kiss her. She wanted to feel his lips on her skin and shudder as he ran his fingers all over her body.
For a second she thought he was going to do just that. His eyes darkened and his breathing became a little heavier. Louisa held her breath.
‘Lord Fleetwood.’
Both Louisa and Robert jumped and took a step back.
‘I’m not interrupting anything, am I?’
Chapter Eight
Robert couldn’t answer immediately; his brain had gone on an unscheduled holiday and left a mindless idiot in charge. He’d almost kissed Louisa. Again. Once was bad enough, but twice was unforgivable. And in a public park for anyone to see.
He forced himself to drag his eyes away from Louisa’s delectable mouth and turned to face the woman who was addressing him.
‘Mrs Knapwell,’ Robert said, his heart growing heavy as he realised who had interrupted them.
‘It’s delightful to see you, Lord Fleetwood, it’s been so long.’
Robert nodded, not able to find his voice.
‘And you’re looking so well.’
He grimaced. He didn’t feel well at all.
‘I don’t think we’ve had the pleasure of being introduced,’ Mrs Knapwell said, turning to Louisa.
‘This is Miss Louisa Turnhill, my ward,’ Robert said stiffly.
‘Your ward?’ It was said with such incredulity that Robert had to suppress a smile. ‘I didn’t realise you had a ward.’
‘Lord Fleetwood has only been my guardian for a short while,’ Louisa said, coming to his rescue. ‘After my old guardian passed away.’
‘It is lovely to meet you, Miss Turnhill, and my sympathies for your loss.’
Louisa smiled at Mrs Knapwell. ‘There’s no need,’ she said. ‘My old guardian was a beast. Lord Fleetwood is much kinder.’
Robert almost choked. Mrs Knapwell had to hide a smile.
‘How have you been keeping, Mrs Knapwell?’ Robert asked before Louisa could say any more.
She gave a brave little smile. ‘Keeping busy. I’ve been staying with friends over the winter. I only came back to London to do some work with one of my charities. An appeal for the orphans of south London.’
Robert didn’t know what to say. The guilt he felt every time he saw Mrs Knapwell wasn’t getting any less after over two years. He was responsible for this kind woman’s loneliness. He’d taken her son away from her.
What made it worse was Mrs Knapwell had been nothing but kind and sympathetic towards him. After Robert’s father had died whilst he was still at school, Robert had spent m
ost of his holidays with the Knapwells. In a way Mrs Knapwell had become the mother he’d never known, since his own had died when he was just an infant. And then Robert had taken her own son away from her.
‘But enough about me. I want to hear how you’ve been doing. You looked so happy when I spied you from the other side of the park.’
Robert felt the bottom drop out of his world. She’d seen him looking happy, moving on with his life, when her son was dead and buried in an unmarked grave. He had no right to be happy.
The silence stretched out before them, but Robert couldn’t find anything to say. Louisa looked at him strangely, but after a few seconds she linked arms with Mrs Knapwell as if they were old friends and soon had her chatting away.
They ambled along, the two women arm in arm with their heads bent together and Robert stumbling along behind. He felt as though he was in one of his nightmares.
‘So where were you living before you came to stay with dear Lord Fleetwood?’ he heard Mrs Knapwell ask. He didn’t even have the presence of mind to jump into the conversation and stop Louisa blurting out the truth.
‘My guardian, Mr Craven, had a house in Norfolk,’ Louisa said, avoiding the question artfully.
‘And how are you enjoying your time with Lord Fleetwood?’
‘He’s so kind,’ Louisa said. ‘I’m sure he never would have asked for a ward, but he’s been a perfect gentleman.’
A perfect gentleman who had nearly ravished her in the middle of the park.
Robert grimaced. He didn’t deserve kind words from Louisa or Mrs Knapwell. For a while he’d forgotten his place in the world. After Greg Knapwell had been killed and half of Robert’s men slaughtered alongside him, Robert had vowed he would never get himself into a position to hurt people again. The only way he could do that was to withdraw, to watch life go by from the sidelines. That way he couldn’t hurt anyone else. He owed that to his friend.
He couldn’t believe he’d almost kissed Louisa. A few more seconds and he would have compromised her in front of multiple witnesses. She’d looked so innocent and radiant, gazing out over the Serpentine, he’d felt his heart pounding in his chest and a primal urge to possess her had taken over him. He’d forgotten she was his ward and he’d forgotten his oath to avoid romantic involvement with women. In that moment it was just him and Louisa and an overwhelming attraction.
Maybe it was a good thing Mrs Knapwell had come along when she did and reminded him of all the reasons why kissing Louisa was a bad idea.
He glanced ahead. The two women were still deep in conversation. He thought he heard his name a couple of times and strained his ears. Mrs Knapwell was a kind woman and Robert knew she had never expressed any blame towards him for the death of her son, but deep down he also knew she must hold him at least partially responsible. He felt an unexpected pang of loneliness. For a little while he had allowed himself to remember what it was like to enjoy someone’s company, to bask in Louisa’s affection and happiness. But it was for the best that he’d been given a reminder of why it could never be, he reasoned, he couldn’t allow himself to grow too attached to Louisa.
A few feet in front of him Louisa and Mrs Knapwell had paused and stood waiting for Robert to catch up.
‘It has been lovely seeing you again,’ Mrs Knapwell said, ‘and delightful meeting you, Miss Turnhill, but I really must go, otherwise I’ll be dreadfully late for my charity meeting.’
She paused and patted Louisa on the hand.
‘You look after Lord Fleetwood, my dear, he deserves a bit of happiness.’
Robert felt his throat constricting with guilt and emotion.
‘And I hope you will both be able to make my dinner party on Thursday. It’ll just be a small affair, a couple of close friends.’
‘We’d love to,’ Louisa said.
Robert could hardly refuse the invitation, but already he was dreading it. A whole evening of sitting across from the woman who was still mourning the son he’d taken away from her. It would be torture, but it was nothing less than he deserved.
‘It was lovely meeting you,’ Louisa said as Mrs Knapwell gave her arm one last squeeze before walking off down the path.
For a minute Robert didn’t say anything. Louisa stepped towards him and turned her lovely innocent face upwards. Even after what had just happened Robert still had the urge to kiss her. Her lips were so pink and inviting and her cheeks were just slightly flushed from the sun. She was beautiful, but he didn’t deserve her. He couldn’t taint her innocence.
‘Mrs Knapwell seemed very nice,’ Louisa said as she linked her arm back through his as if nothing had just passed between them.
‘Mmm-hmm,’ Robert murmured, not trusting himself to speak.
‘She was telling me about her work with the orphans.’
At least she hadn’t been talking about Greg. Robert didn’t know if he could bear Louisa finding out what he was responsible for—not yet.
‘She cares so much about them,’ Louisa said. She paused before continuing, as if suspecting her next words might be delicate. ‘She also told me about her son.’
Robert froze. Greg’s face flashed before his eyes. The happy, smiling man he’d shared so much with. Their hopes and dreams, and their fears of the battlefield.
‘What did she say?’ he forced himself to ask.
‘She said you’d been best friends and that after your father died you used to spend all your holidays at their house. You went to university together and then you went to fight in the war together.’
He could feel her eyes on his face, but he couldn’t lift his gaze to meet hers.
‘She said her son died on the battlefield.’
Robert could still remember the exact instant he’d realised his best friend was dead.
‘And she said you blame yourself for his death.’
Robert couldn’t take any more. He didn’t want Louisa to know what had happened. He knew she would start looking at him differently, as if he were a monster, and he couldn’t bear the thought of that.
‘We need to go home,’ he said abruptly.
Louisa’s face fell, but she nodded and allowed him to lead her back the way they had come, retracing their steps through the park.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said quietly.
Robert wanted to reach out to her and explain, but he couldn’t. That would mean admitting how he was responsible for Greg Knapwell’s death and he wasn’t ready for Louisa to know that. That was a secret he’d kept inside for a very long time and he wasn’t going to air it now.
She looked hurt, as if he’d physically slapped her. He knew she was vulnerable, but he just couldn’t explain it all to her.
So they walked on in silence, Robert hating himself more with every step they took.
Chapter Nine
Louisa skipped down the stairs, humming to herself. It was a beautiful sunny morning and she was a free woman. And she was wearing the second of her new dresses. She couldn’t help being happy.
Robert had been in a strange mood all of yesterday afternoon after their encounter with Mrs Knapwell in the park. He’d barely spoken to her at dinner and had disappeared off immediately afterwards, leaving Louisa to her own devices.
At first she’d been hurt by his refusal to speak to her, but slowly she’d realised he was still mourning his friend and she’d probably been a bit insensitive in the way she’d brought it up.
Today she was determined to make a fresh start with him. They’d been having such a good time in the park before they’d met Mrs Knapwell. She felt Robert had finally let her see some of his true self. Then there had been that moment by the lake.
Louisa paused for a minute and thought back to it. She was sure Robert had looked as though he was going to kiss her. And she’d allowed herself to sway towards him, inviting him i
n.
She couldn’t deny she was attracted to him. He was a handsome man, but more than that he was kind and good. He was the first person in a long time to treat her like a human being and not an animal. No wonder she was attracted to him. It was a bad idea and she knew it couldn’t go any further, but it was quite flattering that he obviously found her at least a little attractive, too.
Louisa paused outside Robert’s study. After she’d eaten breakfast on her own, she’d been determined to seek Robert out and make her peace with him. She would somehow communicate that she wouldn’t go prying into his past any more than he wanted her to. She would respect his privacy and they could go back to how it had been before they’d met Mrs Knapwell.
There were low voices coming from the study. One was Robert’s—even after just a couple of days Louisa thought she’d be able to pick his serious voice out from a crowd. The other she didn’t recognise, but from her position outside the door she could tell it was a man.
She stepped closer, knowing all the time she should just walk away and allow Robert privacy to conduct his business in.
‘You want me to assess her?’ she heard the stranger ask.
‘I think it would be helpful. She spent so long in the asylum.’
Louisa felt her heart pound in her chest. They were talking about her, and Robert was asking someone to assess her. Surely he didn’t mean to send her back to the asylum. Over the last couple of days Louisa hadn’t once regretted her decision to stay. She’d even started to trust Robert a little. Now here he was talking to someone in private about getting her assessed.
Louisa had the urge to flee. Just to walk out of the house and never look back. She might be on her own, but at least no one would be able to send her back to the madhouse.
She glanced at the front door. The streets of London would be better than the asylum any day.
She hesitated and realised she didn’t like the idea of leaving and never seeing Robert again. Over the last couple of days she’d grown to like and respect him. He’d opened his home and his life to her, and he’d been the first person to care about her since her parents had died. She couldn’t quite believe he was getting ready to send her back to the asylum.