by Laura Martin
Louisa glanced one last time at the front door, decided she would give Robert the benefit of the doubt, then raised her hand to knock on the study door.
The voices inside fell silent.
‘Come in.’
Louisa opened the door, her heart pounding in her chest. She stood awkwardly in the doorway as she surveyed the two men in the room.
‘Just the person,’ Robert said with a smile. He didn’t look like a man who was just about to condemn someone to a lifetime of misery.
He rose from his seat and crossed the room towards her.
‘Trust me,’ he whispered in her ear, so the other man didn’t hear.
Louisa found herself nodding, unconsciously replying to his request.
‘This is Dr Wade. Dr Wade, this is my ward, Miss Turnhill.’
Louisa forced herself to smile and wondered if her efforts made her look mad.
‘Good to meet you, Miss Turnhill,’ the doctor said, rising from his seat.
Louisa was suspicious of doctors. Her previous encounters with men of the medical profession hadn’t gone well. The first time she’d met a doctor had been when her parents died. The second time was when she’d been declared insane.
Robert must have sensed her uneasiness. He slipped a protective arm around her waist and led her to the sofa. Louisa felt the comfort of his touch and allowed herself to relax a little.
‘Dr Wade has come at my request,’ Robert said.
‘To see me?’ Louisa could feel her anxiety levels building.
‘To see you,’ Robert confirmed.
She glanced nervously at Robert, who smiled serenely down at her. She loved his smile. He didn’t smile enough in her opinion, but when he did he looked carefree and young.
Focus, she told herself, she could sort out her inappropriate feelings for Robert later. Now she had to appear completely sane in front of this man who had come to assess her.
‘I thought I would ask Dr Wade here to see you,’ Robert said, removing his hand from around her waist. Louisa suddenly felt lonely. ‘Doctor Wade is going to ask you some questions and assess you.’
Louisa glanced at the door and wondered if she could make a run for it.
‘A year ago when the doctor pronounced you insane, he did something unethical and unforgivable,’ Robert said. ‘We’re going to rectify that today.’
‘So you’re here to certify I’m not mad?’ Louisa asked the doctor.
‘I’m here just to ask you a few questions, Miss Turnhill.’ So Dr Wade would be making up his own mind.
Louisa suddenly felt very hot. What if he thought she was mad? What if she actually was mad and she’d just been fooling herself all this time?
‘You’re going to do just fine,’ Robert murmured very close to her ear.
Louisa felt Robert’s confidence in her boost her own.
‘Tell me a little about yourself, Miss Turnhill.’
She didn’t know where to start.
‘Just some basic facts: who you are, your age, your family,’ Dr Wade prompted.
‘Well, I’m nineteen years old and I’m an orphan. My parents died of a fever when I was ten.’ Louisa paused and felt Robert silently willing her on. ‘After that I lived with Mr Craven for eight years before I spent just over a year in the Lewisham Asylum.’
‘Can you remember what your guardian said was wrong with you? Why he had you sent to the asylum?’
Louisa looked uncomfortably at Robert. She didn’t want him believing any of Thomas Craven’s lies.
‘We can do this in private if you would prefer.’
She glanced at Robert. ‘No, I would feel happier with Lord Fleetwood here.’
Louisa realised it was true. He would stop the interview if he thought the doctor was getting the wrong impression. And as her guardian he had the right to know these things.
‘He said I was prone to fits of melancholia, followed by episodes of mania and hyperactivity. He said I had tried to hurt myself on multiple occasions and had even tried to kill myself. And he said I heard voices that weren’t there.’
‘That’s quite a collection of mental illnesses he thought you had.’
Louisa smiled. ‘I think he thought the madder the better.’
‘Tell me a little about your time in the asylum, Miss Turnhill.’
Louisa shuddered as she thought back, but Robert’s hand tightened its grip on hers and she found the courage to remember.
‘When I first arrived it was horrible,’ Louisa said, remembering the dark days when she’d first been sent to the asylum, ‘They stripped me down and immersed me in cold water multiple times a day. They said it would purge the madness from me.’
The doctor nodded sympathetically.
‘Some of the wardens beat me. they would all throw me around or slap me if I wasn’t quick to respond.’
Louisa could feel Robert stiffen next to her.
‘But after a few weeks things got better. I was moved to my cell and it felt as though I was almost forgotten about.’
Louisa had wept with relief once the cold baths and beatings had stopped.
‘They kept me restrained, chained to the wall, but apart from that they left me alone.’
Dr Wade nodded sympathetically. ‘It must have been very lonely for you.’
It had been. At first Louisa had cherished being left alone, but as the days turned to weeks she craved human contact. The only people she saw were those delivering her meals and even they didn’t interact with her.
‘At one point I started to provoke the wardens, doing anything to make them interact with me. I got beaten more, but it seemed worth it to hear them speak, to realise I wasn’t the only person left in the world.’
Louisa felt the tears brimming in her eyes and worked hard to gain control of herself. She’d survived over a year in the asylum, she could cope with a few memories.
‘Sometimes loneliness can be worse than physical pain,’ Robert said quietly.
Louisa nodded.
‘Have you ever tried to hurt yourself, Miss Turnhill?’
Louisa could tell Robert was surprised by the directness of the question. He shifted in his seat beside her and opened his mouth as if to object.
‘Never.’
‘And have you ever tried to kill yourself?’
‘No. For a while after I was first put into the asylum I used to wake up thinking it would be better if I just wasn’t here any more. But I’ve never tried to hurt myself in any way.’
‘Given your circumstances I think many people would rather not exist than wake up in a mental institution every morning,’ Dr Wade said reassuringly.
Louisa felt Robert relax a little beside her. She was still unused to anyone wanting to protect her in the way he did. He was sitting there poised, ready to spring to her defence as soon as she needed it.
‘Do you ever hear voices only you can hear?’
‘No.’ That one was simple to answer.
‘And do you have any special powers, things other people can’t do?
Louisa felt herself raising her eyebrows. ‘That’s a new one. You mean like being able to fly or walk through walls?’
‘Exactly.’
‘Just answer the question, Louisa,’ Robert said quietly in her ear. She liked it when he called her Louisa, rather than the formal Miss Turnhill.
He was nervous, she realised. He was nervous for her. He realised how important this was for her and he wanted everything to go smoothly.
‘I don’t have any special powers,’ Louisa said, ‘except having survived over a year in a madhouse.’
‘That is quite a remarkable feat,’ Dr Wade said. ‘Just a few more questions, Miss Turnhill, then I’ll have all the information I need.’
‘Certainly.’ Louisa’s nerves had settled now and she was confident she was coming across well.
‘Do you ever feel low in your mood, or as if you don’t feel able to enjoy things in life?’
Louisa laughed, ‘No.’
‘And do you ever have problems sleeping or eating?’
It was Robert’s turn to laugh, ‘She has the healthiest appetite I’ve ever known.’
‘And I don’t have any problems sleeping.’
‘Wonderful. Thank you for being so open and honest with me, Miss Turnhill. I know it can’t have been easy for you.’
Louisa leant forward ever so slightly and realised she was holding her breath, waiting for his verdict. Beside her Robert was doing the same.
‘I’m pleased to say I agree with Lord Fleetwood, Miss Turnhill. I do not think you display any signs of melancholy or mania. You seem to be a well-adjusted young woman who cruelly had her freedom taken from her.’
Louisa felt the relief seep through her. She’d known she wasn’t mad. All along she’d known, but it was hard to quieten that little doubt that sometimes crept in. Now she had the reassurance from a medical man that she wasn’t insane.
‘I can only apologise for the wrong one of my colleagues must have done to have you committed to the asylum. I will be writing up my notes of our conversation today and will of course let you have a copy of my conclusions.’
‘Thank you, Dr Wade.’
‘It was a pleasure to meet you, Miss Turnhill.’
Robert stood and showed Dr Wade out. Louisa felt herself sag into the sofa. She felt relieved and ecstatic at the same time.
She was still slumped into the sofa when Robert returned.
‘I’m sorry to spring that on you, Miss Turnhill,’ Robert said.
‘You called me Louisa earlier.’
He hesitated. ‘Just in private,’ he said.
That was good enough for her.
‘I thought you might worry if I told you about it beforehand.’
‘When I knew there was a doctor in here I did wonder if you were going to send me back to the asylum,’ Louisa said, ‘but then I realised you wouldn’t do that.’
Their eyes met and Louisa gave him a tentative smile.
He’d sat down again on the sofa beside her. He was too close for propriety and he was making Louisa feel a little breathless.
‘You realised I wouldn’t do that?’ he asked, his voice low.
Louisa nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
‘So you trust me?’
‘A little.’ She was surprised to find she spoke the truth.
‘Just a little?’
‘A little is a lot for me.’
He contemplated her words for a few seconds. ‘I suppose I’ll take a little bit of trust.’
She could feel the strong muscles of his leg pushing against the material of her dress. There must have been at least four layers of fabric between them, but Louisa could feel the heat emanating off him as though his bare skin was pressing against hers.
She felt her heart pounding in her chest and Louisa realised she wanted Robert to kiss her. She wanted him to take her in his arms and lay her down on the sofa and kiss her all over her body.
She didn’t understand the attraction she felt towards this man she’d known for just a couple of days. He was handsome, that much was true, and he was kind, but if she thought about it she barely knew him. What was more, she knew she didn’t want to allow him to get too close to her. If she let him in, then he would be able to hurt her. Despite all this she still wanted him to kiss her. Just once, she reasoned, just so that she would know what it was like.
‘You’re an incredible woman, Louisa,’ Robert murmured.
She didn’t know how to respond. Robert didn’t seem to notice. Instead he bent his neck and brushed his lips against hers. For a second Louisa stiffened, unsure how to react, then her primal instincts took over and she started to kiss him back.
His lips moved unhurriedly across hers, tender and passionate at the same time. Louisa felt a fire building from her toes and rising up through her body. She was burning with desire all for this man.
Robert grazed his fingers across her cheek, sending shivers down her spine. Louisa tentatively reached up and ran her hands through his hair, pulling him closer to her and deepening their kiss.
‘Oh, Louisa,’ Robert murmured as he broke away.
They looked at each other for a few seconds, both only just realising the implications of what they’d done.
‘I’m so sorry,’ Robert said. ‘That was unforgivable.’ His voice was still low and husky and Louisa had the urge to pull him towards her for another kiss.
‘Yes, unforgivable,’ she murmured.
Their eyes locked together and once again Robert’s lips were on hers. This time he kissed her fervently, as if he were afraid she’d disappear at any moment. Louisa returned his kiss with the same urgency, knowing any second he would wake up and realise it was her, Louisa Turnhill, he was kissing, and not the woman of his dreams.
His hands gripped her upper arms firmly, holding her against him.
Louisa hoped the kiss would never end. Robert made her feel like a woman, something no other man had ever done.
‘We have to stop,’ Robert said, pulling away. Regret and hope mixed on his face. ‘We can’t do this.’
He was still looking at her as though he wanted to ravish her right there on the sofa.
This time it was Louisa who leant forward and pulled his mouth back to hers. He groaned in submission and kissed her deeply. Louisa felt his hands run down the length of her spine and cup her bottom. Gently he laid her back on to the sofa, not once breaking their kiss.
‘You’re beautiful, Louisa,’ he murmured as he kissed her neck.
Louisa could only shudder as his lips flew over her skin. Slowly his head dipped lower and he was kissing the base of her throat, her collarbones and finally the skin of her chest.
Louisa felt a rush of anticipation as his lips moved towards the swell of her breasts. She pushed her chest up towards him, urging him to go lower.
He’d just started to push the material of her dress lower when there was a knock on the door.
Guiltily they sprang apart. Louisa felt the rush of blood to her head and knew her cheeks would be a deep crimson colour.
Robert leapt off the sofa and stalked over to the window, facing outwards so she couldn’t see his expression.
As Louisa hurriedly straightened her dress and manoeuvred herself into a more ladylike position she darted a glance at Robert. It was hard to tell what he was thinking with his back towards her, but the stiffness of his posture and stillness of his body gave her a very good idea.
He was regretting their kiss already. Only twenty seconds ago he’d been kissing her as though she was the most precious thing in the world and now he couldn’t even look at her.
Louisa took the pain and hurt that realisation caused and told herself to remember that feeling. This was why she couldn’t trust anyone. Even a man like Robert, a good man, would just end up hurting her.
Chapter Ten
Robert felt his heart pounding in his chest and fought to control himself. He couldn’t believe how he’d just behaved. He’d kissed Louisa, almost ravished her on the sofa in his study. Louisa, his ward. The young woman he was meant to protect from these sorts of ungentlemanly advances.
‘Come in,’ he said brusquely, still not able to turn from the window.
A footman opened the door.
‘There’s a Mrs Hempshaw here to see you, my lord.’
One of the companions he’d invited for an interview.
‘Put her in the drawing room, I shall be there shortly.’
The footman withdrew, closing
the door behind him.
Robert glanced at Louisa sitting on the couch. She’d straightened her dress and had fixed her expression to one of indifference. There was no indication he’d almost kissed her senseless. Maybe she hadn’t been as affected by the kiss as he had.
‘I’m sorry, Louisa,’ he said, taking a step towards her. ‘I shouldn’t have kissed you. It was unforgivable.’
She looked at him blandly, even gave a small, emotionless smile.
‘I promise it won’t happen again. I lost control and I won’t allow that to be repeated.’
She nodded, still not meeting his eye.
Robert could feel the muscles in his arms tensing as he clenched his fists. He couldn’t believe what he’d just done. Louisa was his ward, an innocent young woman he was supposed to protect, and he’d just done the unthinkable.
He stood awkwardly for half a minute, trying to figure out exactly what she was thinking. He couldn’t tell if she was angry at him for kissing her or annoyed they’d been interrupted.
She had seemed to enjoy it when he was kissing her. She’d responded to his lips and to his touch, she’d moaned and gasped underneath him and worked him up into a frenzy. But now she was sitting there as though they’d just been having a banal conversation about something insignificant.
Stop it, he told himself. Just because Louisa has more self-control than you.
‘Louisa...’ he said, trailing off as he realised he didn’t know what to say, he just wanted to say something.
‘Shall we go and interview this companion?’ she asked breezily.
And that drew a line under their amorous moment.
Robert knew he should feel relieved. Louisa was giving him an out, an escape route, but he had to make sure she understood it had been a mistake.
‘Louisa,’ he said, catching her arm and spinning her gently round to face him, ‘I need to be sure you understand.’ He paused as he waited for her to meet his eye. ‘That was a mistake, one that I deeply regret. It won’t happen again.’