by Laura Martin
Politeness stopped him from grunting in response. Instead Robert murmured something incomprehensible.
‘Miss Turnhill is doing ever so well, isn’t she?’ Mrs Knapwell said.
‘She’s certainly a success with the gentlemen,’ Robert said, trying to keep the bitterness from his voice.
‘She’s beautiful, of course, but I think it’s more her inner beauty that shines through. She makes even the shyest of the gentlemen feel at ease in her presence.’
‘I hope they’re noticing her inner beauty,’ Robert said.
Mrs Knapwell smiled. ‘I take it you don’t approve of all the young men here tonight.’
‘Louisa could do better.’
‘She does deserve someone who loves her, someone who makes her happy.’
‘She does,’ Robert agreed.
‘I’m sure you’ll get a few marriage proposals for her before the month is out.’
The idea was unpalatable to say the least.
‘She seemed a little withdrawn earlier,’ Mrs Knapwell said after a minute’s pause. ‘Is everything all right?’
Robert didn’t know how to answer. He knew his reaction to her kiss on the rooftop had crushed her. She’d started to trust him, a momentous thing for Louisa to be able to do, and with a few stupid words he’d destroyed that trust.
Robert had been amazed that Louisa hadn’t left him in the last week. Every night he would lie awake thinking he was going to hear the soft click of the front door closing and look out his window to find Louisa slipping away into the night. All of the trust he’d managed to build was gone and Robert knew it was only a matter of time before Louisa was gone as well.
He watched her take the hand of her next dance partner and glide across the dance floor. It was a miracle she had stayed, really, after how he’d behaved, but maybe it was because Dunton was right. Maybe she wanted to find a husband, start a family of her own. Robert might have been her first choice of husband, but another man would do. She’d said earlier on she didn’t expect her future husband to be faithful. If she was willing to compromise on that, she would be willing to compromise on other things, too. So maybe she’d stayed because Robert was going to help her find a husband. That hurt more than he could ever have imagined.
‘I’m sure she was just nervous,’ Robert said distractedly.
‘And are you all right, Lord Fleetwood?’ Mrs Knapwell asked quietly.
Robert nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He was far from all right. He’d been given a glimpse of what his life could be like and then he’d thrown it all away. It was nobody’s fault but his own.
‘It is nearly time for the last dance,’ Mrs Knapwell reminded him quietly. ‘Why don’t you go and find Miss Turnhill after she finishes dancing with Mr Wilson?’
Robert watched as Louisa smiled at her dance partner and shared a few words as the music stopped. He felt his pulse quicken as he strode towards Louisa, ready to claim her for the last dance.
For an instant, when she first spotted him, Louisa smiled. It was a genuine smile, one of happiness and anticipation. Then suddenly her smile froze as she remembered everything that had passed between them. Reluctantly she bid farewell to Mr Wilson and took Robert’s arm.
‘How have you enjoyed the ball, Louisa?’ Robert asked as they made their way back to the dance floor.
‘It has been a most enjoyable night,’ Louisa said.
Robert had the feeling she was lying. He’d caught a glimpse of her face in one of the rare moments she wasn’t surrounded by gentlemen and she’d looked sad. It had almost broken his heart.
‘You’ll be pleased to know I’ve met plenty of eligible young gentlemen. I’m sure I’ll be off your hands in no time.’
‘That’s not what I want, Louisa,’ Robert said as he pulled her closer to him.
The music started and for a second Louisa didn’t move.
‘What is it you want, Robert?’
He didn’t answer. Instead, he tightened his grip on her and started to lead her around the dance floor. Not once did his eyes leave hers. For five minutes they were one person, the energy flowing through their hands into each other’s bodies. Robert felt his heart pounding, not from exertion, but from the exhilaration of holding Louisa close.
The other dancers melted away and to Robert it seemed as if they were the only two in the room. Every one of his senses felt heightened and stimulated by Louisa. He revelled in the softness of her skin against his fingers and the fluttering of her pulse beneath her skin. He breathed in her unique scent, a mixture of lavender and something he couldn’t quite identify, but wished he could bottle and smell each and every morning. He listened to the rhythmic swish of her silk skirt, picturing her creamy white legs underneath picking out the steps with ease and grace. And he watched her as she stared up at him, pupils dilated, looking more beautiful than ever.
The only sense that was missing was taste. And Robert wanted to taste her so badly. He almost forgot where he was, wanting to press his lips against her skin, lick and nip every inch of her body, memorise the taste of her and make her his in every possible way.
The music stopped all too soon and Louisa and Robert were left standing on the dance floor staring at each other, neither wanting to be the first one to move and break the spell.
‘Thank you for the dance, Robert,’ Louisa said. This time there was no anger in her voice or rebellion in her eyes, just sadness, as if she realised they would not share many more moments like this. ‘We should find Mrs Crawshaw and Mrs Knapwell.’
Robert nodded, unable to move. He just wanted to stay in this moment for ever, holding on to Louisa and never letting her go.
Eventually it was Louisa who moved and broke the spell.
Robert carefully tucked her hand into the crook of his elbow and started to lead her through the crush of people standing in groups, talking and enjoying the last few minutes of the ball. All he wanted to do was sweep Louisa into his arms, push through the crowd and disappear off into the night with her. Instead he politely sidestepped through the throng of people, all the while wondering what exactly was stopping him from making Louisa his own.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Louisa stirred to the sound of muffled voices downstairs. The sunlight was streaming in through a chink in the curtains and it looked to be a beautiful day. She stretched, realising she was aching from all the dancing from the night before.
Slowly she sat up in bed, wondering what time it was. They hadn’t arrived home until the early hours of the morning, and before bidding her goodnight, Robert had gruffly instructed her to sleep in.
Louisa strained to hear who was downstairs. One of the voices was certainly Robert’s, she’d know his deep tones anywhere. The other she thought she recognised, but couldn’t quite place.
Curiosity won over comfort and Louisa threw off her covers and rose. She still hadn’t got used to the idea of having someone help her to dress, but with the more intricate fastenings of her new gowns she couldn’t make herself look presentable on her own. She reached for the bell cord and pulled.
A few minutes later a maid appeared, looking flushed and excited.
‘Good morning, Miss Turnhill,’ Betty said, looking eager to share her gossip.
‘Who is downstairs with Lord Fleetwood?’ Louisa asked.
‘You won’t believe your eyes when you go down, miss,’ Betty said as she lifted Louisa’s dress over her head. ‘There have been hundreds of gentlemen callers for you.’
‘The drawing room must have got a little crowded with hundreds of gentlemen cramped in,’ Louisa said.
Betty was known to exaggerate at the best of times. Louisa suspected there might have been two, at most three.
‘Lord Fleetwood is fighting to keep them out of the house. He’s like a bear with a sore head, miss
, if you don’t mind me saying.’
Louisa couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Robert fighting to keep his house, his sanctuary, private.
Betty pulled the fastenings together at Louisa’s back, working quickly as she talked.
‘The ball must have been a success, miss, that’s what all the other servants are saying, for you to get so many gentlemen callers after your first dance.’
Louisa tried to summon some enthusiasm. It was good news that she had been a success. It meant she hadn’t made a fool of herself.
‘Have you chosen someone to marry, miss?’ Betty asked as the last of the fastenings was secured.
Louisa shook her head absent-mindedly. She didn’t want to marry anyone. A week ago she would have jumped at the chance to marry Robert, have a life of safety and security and pleasure in his arms. Then he’d reminded her she couldn’t trust anyone. He’d pushed her away and now Louisa knew she was the only one she could rely on and trust.
‘Good idea,’ Betty continued. ‘If I had so many men chasing after me, I’d keep them all waiting for a while, enjoy the attention.’ The young maid looked wistful, as if she knew she’d never have men pursuing her.
Louisa sat in front of the mirror whilst Betty expertly pulled her hair back from her face. All in all it had taken only ten minutes for Louisa to get dressed and be made presentable, but it had felt like an age.
‘Good luck, miss,’ Betty said as Louisa left the room.
She paused at the top of the stairs, her curiosity giving way to nervousness. She wasn’t sure she wanted to see who had come to call. It wasn’t as if she planned on marrying any of these men.
Slowly Louisa descended the stairs. She could hear Robert’s voice getting louder as she neared the drawing room.
‘Besieged in my own house,’ he was grumbling.
‘It is rather wonderful, isn’t it?’ Mrs Knapwell’s familiar voice floated through the drawing room door. ‘I knew dear Miss Turnhill would be a success, but this is better than I ever could have hoped.’
‘It’s like a plague,’ Robert continued.
Louisa paused, not wanting to make her presence known just yet, eager to hear what else he had to say.
‘It’s not like a plague, Lord Fleetwood,’ Mrs Knapwell said admonishingly. ‘This is exactly what every debutante dreams of. And what their parents or guardians dream of.’ The last part was said pointedly.
Robert remained silent. Louisa stepped forward and opened the door.
She gasped. Inside there was indeed a plague of flowers. Every surface had at least one bunch, beautiful arrangements that made the drawing room look like a tropical paradise.
‘Isn’t it wonderful, Miss Turnhill?’ Mrs Knapwell gushed as she took Louisa by the hand. ‘All of these gentlemen have sent their regards and have promised to call again later in the day.’
Robert mumbled something again about a plague. Louisa turned to him.
‘It’s strange,’ she said. ‘I don’t remember reading anything about a plague of flowers in the Bible.’
Robert just frowned at her.
‘You were a big success,’ Mrs Knapwell continued. ‘So many very eligible young gentlemen have expressed their interest in you.’
Louisa looked at the beautiful flower arrangements and felt slightly sick. She didn’t want any of this. She didn’t want to get married and she didn’t want men bringing her flowers. She just wanted to be left alone.
She turned to find Robert staring at her. She looked at him beseechingly, willing him to understand. Suddenly his eyes softened and Louisa felt her heart skip a beat.
‘You don’t have to marry anyone you don’t want to, Louisa,’ he said quietly. ‘You don’t have to go to another ball or receive a single gentleman if you don’t wish to.’
It felt as though the room had shrunk and they were the only two in it. For a second Louisa forgot Mrs Knapwell’s presence; it was just her and Robert. She found she was holding her breath, waiting for him to say more.
‘This is your life Louisa, you can make all the decisions. I just want you to be happy.’
Louisa felt the dread lifting from her body, but it was replaced by sadness. Robert had just given her exactly what she’d wanted: freedom. He’d just told her she could make all the decisions in her life. She didn’t have to do what he wanted or what anyone else wanted. It should have made her happy, but Louisa found herself unable to smile.
Robert had just given her a wonderful gift. He’d promised her he wouldn’t force her to take a husband. He wouldn’t stop her from doing what she wanted or making her own decisions. But Louisa wanted more from him. She loved him, despite not wanting to, despite trying so hard the last week to hate him. She loved him and she wanted him. She wanted to be married to him and spend her whole life with him. For him she would give up her independence, she would break her vow to only ever rely on herself. But that didn’t matter because he didn’t want her.
‘Thank you,’ she managed to say.
He smiled at her, then reached out and ran a finger down her cheek.
Mrs Knapwell coughed awkwardly and they sprung apart. They’d both forgotten her presence for a few minutes.
‘Lord Fleetwood,’ Mrs Knapwell said quickly, ‘would it be a terrible imposition if I took some refreshment with Miss Turnhill?’
Robert bowed and walked from the room, assumedly to arrange for some tea to be brought up.
‘And something to eat,’ Louisa called after him, aware of the growling in her stomach.
Mrs Knapwell waited for a few seconds, then crossed to the door and closed it.
‘Shall we sit?’
Louisa sat down next to the older woman and waited for her to speak.
‘It has come to my attention that you are in love with Lord Fleetwood,’ Mrs Knapwell said without any further preamble.
Louisa gasped. She was about to deny it, but Mrs Knapwell flapped her hand and continued.
‘It is obvious, my dear, to anyone who looks at the two of you. You’re in love with him and he’s in love with you.’
Louisa shook her head. She might not be able to deny her feelings for Robert, but she knew he didn’t love her. She’d given him the opportunity to tell her up on the rooftop and he’d rejected her.
‘Lord Fleetwood has been very kind to me, but he does not love me,’ Louisa said.
Mrs Knapwell patted her hand. ‘Trust me, my dear, he’s in love with you. He can’t take his eyes off you for a single second when you’re in the room. He takes every opportunity to touch you and he’s always by your side.’
‘He’s just being a good guardian,’ Louisa said, not daring to hope.
‘Lord Fleetwood has not gone to more than two balls or dinner parties in the two years since he’s returned from the war. In the last week he’s been out in society twice. For you.’
‘To launch me,’ Louisa insisted. ‘To find me a husband.’
Mrs Knapwell sighed. ‘Deep down you know that’s not true. You know he loves you.’
Louisa thought back over the past couple of weeks. All of the moments they’d shared, the kisses, the touches, the smouldering looks. She was almost convinced, but then Robert’s rejection of her on the rooftop came crashing back into her mind and she knew he couldn’t love her.
‘Lord Fleetwood is a complicated man,’ Mrs Knapwell continued. ‘He blames himself for my son’s death and the deaths of the other men under his command.’
Louisa nodded.
‘He thinks he doesn’t deserve to be happy. He thinks he doesn’t deserve you.’
‘But he’s the best man I’ve ever known.’
Mrs Knapwell nodded. ‘I never said he was right. But that’s what he thinks.’
Louisa swallowed hard and thought back to each time Robert had got
close, only to push her away at the last minute. Was it because he didn’t think he deserved her?
‘I know I’m not privy to all of the events of your past,’ Mrs Knapwell continued, ‘but I think it’s safe to say you have some problems trusting people.’
She looked at Louisa for confirmation. Louisa slowly nodded her head. She wondered if it was so obvious that everyone could see it about her.
‘I know it is hard, my dear, but you’re young, in the prime of your life. You’ll want a home, a family. Don’t consign yourself to a life alone. It will only make you miserable.’
Louisa didn’t know what to say. She felt as if Mrs Knapwell had seen through all the protective layers Louisa covered herself with to her soul beneath.
‘Don’t throw away your chance of happiness because you’re afraid.’
‘Robert doesn’t want me,’ Louisa said quietly, ‘and I don’t think I could bear his rejection for a second time.’
Mrs Knapwell smiled kindly, ‘Trust me, you won’t have to. We just need to remind Lord Fleetwood he deserves to live and he deserves to be happy.’
Louisa still wasn’t sure. She’d opened herself up once, decided to let go of all her worries and concerns and trust someone else, then he’d hurt her. She wasn’t sure she was strong enough to go through it all again.
‘Think about it, my dear. You’re miserable without him. Do you want to spend the rest of your life miserable?’
A few weeks ago Louisa’s dream was of freedom. She would have given anything to be a free woman, living on her own terms, not relying on anyone else. Before she had met Robert she would have laughed at the idea that she might want to surrender her heart and her freedom to a man. But now, even after everything that had happened she wasn’t so sure. Maybe Mrs Knapwell was right.
‘Just say you’re right,’ Louisa said slowly, ‘and I was in love with Lord Fleetwood. How would I go about convincing him he doesn’t want me to marry some other man?’
Mrs Knapwell smiled. ‘We’re halfway there already. You saw how he looked at you last night. He hated you talking to other men. He hates that now they’re bringing you flowers and wanting to court you.’