Now I was headed to the penitentiary where my sister had been for close to fifteen years. I was angry, and I felt like I needed her to know how much she’d ruined my life. Because of her, I had no family. Because of her, I devoted my life to helping other people instead of myself. Because of her, I’d never feel good enough. I was broken and lost, still searching for the reason as to why I had to survive. At this point in my life I think I would have rather died too, because at least I wouldn’t have spent my whole adulthood feeling like I had to save everyone.
I was tired; tired of being the hero. I wanted to be selfish. I deserved to be.
The penitentiary had special visiting hours. I used my credentials to get a private meeting with my sister. It took me a while to get clearance, but finally I was taken to a room where I’d wait to see her. My sister was still a kid when I saw her last. I didn’t know what to expect the moment she walked through the door. It never occurred to me that she’d be the spitting image of our mother, with our father’s dark brown eyes. I clenched my fists under the table and looked away when her eyes met mine. “Who are you? What do you want?”
“Why did you do it, Selina? Why did you kill them?”
“Is this some kind of joke? Who are you? Why are you here?”
I finally turned my attention back to her, and it only took a second for her eyes to widen. She finally understood why I was asking about a crime from so long ago. She knew who I was.
“Logan?”
I was fighting back my emotions. She looked too much like our mother to stare. I had too much hate in my heart. “This was a mistake.”
“Wait, please. I’ve written you so many letters. They always get returned. You don’t know how long I’ve waited to see you again, how long I’ve wondered if you were okay, if you were still alive.”
“Why do you care? You ruined my life.”
“What happened, what I did, you have to understand it wasn’t me. I was on so many drugs. After I got clean and learned what I’d done,” she paused. “I’ll never forgive myself. I miss them every day. They didn’t deserve to die like that. I wish it was me, Logan. I wish I would have died that night.”
“It’s a choice,” I managed to say.
“What is?”
“Drugs. You say it wasn’t your fault – that you weren’t in control, but that’s a lie. The moment you decided to put drugs into your body it was your choice. You knew the risks, but you took them anyway. It’s a choice, and you chose wrong.”
She was sobbing, her face shriveling with grief. I wanted to see her hurting. I hoped she’d been like this every day since she was incarcerated. “You couldn’t understand. You were always the good boy.’’
“I still am. I have to be, because you fucked me up so bad I won’t allow myself to be selfish.”
“You deserve to be happy. It’s what they would want for you.”
“You know what I want? I want my parents back, but we both know it’s never going to happen.” I stood up and prepared to leave. “I’m tired, Selina. I’m tired of this bullshit preventing me from having the life I want.”
“Did you come here to tear me down?”
“No. I came here to face my demons. I came here to prove to myself that I made the right choice.”
“The right choice? What are you talking about?”
“It doesn’t matter. I want you to know I’ll never forgive you for what you did. I don’t have it in me. I’ve spent my whole life helping others from monsters like you. For my whole adult life that’s how I’ve seen you. Now I know you’re just a woman without a future. You made a choice and there wasn’t anyone around to save you from it. You ruined your life. You missed out on everything, being free, having a brother. I’ve spent so many days wondering what it would have been like if they were still here, if I’d still be the man who could make them proud. You see, we’ve all got one shot to make our lives worth something. If I died tomorrow I’d be proud. Still, it will never give me what I really want, what I feel I deserve.”
“What?” She inquired.
“Someone to share my life with,” I mumbled. “I need to go.”
“No. Wait! You’re not making sense. Please stay, Logan. I’ve waited fifteen years to see you again. Just stay a little while. We don’t have to talk. Just let me be with you.”
My hand was on the doorknob, my feet prepared to step forward, but I struggled. I wouldn’t be back to see her again. As much as I resented her, she was my only living relative left. “I’m not staying for you, Selina. I’m staying for me.”
I gave myself close to thirty minutes before I said my goodbyes to my older sister. She was emotional, but I couldn’t help her. Maybe she’d changed. Maybe she’d gone through years of remorse and treatments. I could forgive for almost anything, but not for that, at least not until I was at peace with the loss of my parents. Maybe if I found someone to fill the void it would help. I wouldn’t know until that person came into my life and showed me it could be good. I’d already lost the best candidate. Getting over it would be my next feat.
Two months. That’s how long it took for Rockefeller James to get a trial date. I’d been subpoenaed as a witness for the prosecution. Since I turned in my paperwork I wondered if they’d sent one to Cassie. The thought of her being close caused immediate excitement, even though it was obvious she wanted nothing to do with me. Nevertheless, seeing her again might fill the void I’d had since she’d been gone.
I could hardly focus, and several times I picked up the phone to call her, but changed my mind at the last second. One thing was obvious when it came to Cassie, she meant a lot more than I first suspected.
The first day of the trial came and went, then the second, and still no Cassie. I was beginning to think she hadn’t been notified. Then, on the third day I saw her. Her face had filled out, looking the same way she had when I first laid eyes on her, before the drugs had taken their toll. She wore a pant’s suit, completely appropriate for a court appearance. One thing I noticed was the fact that she was alone. Surely her family wouldn’t allow her to come back to this place alone. Curiosity got the best of me. I made my way through a crowd of people and took a chance. “Do you have a minute so we could talk?” I asked.
As she turned around to look at me I could tell she wasn’t looking forward to our reunion. “I’d rather not.”
“Cassie, just hear me out. I know you’re angry with me, but what I did was for the best.”
“Let me tell you something, Agent Campbell. I’m a grown woman, and I’m fully capable of making my own decisions.”
I started to turn around and walk away before I heard her continuing. “With that being said I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I would say to you when I saw you again. I know why you took me home. What I don’t get is how you could let me go?”
I grabbed her by the arm and walked her into an area with less people. “Because I knew you were better off as far away from Las Vegas as possible. You needed to make amends with the people who loved you.”
“Maybe I didn’t need you to take me home. Maybe I would have done it eventually on my own.”
“I’m sorry I hurt you.”
“I thought you were different, Logan. I really did. I thought after all the shit I’d been through I’d met a man who would do anything to protect me from getting hurt. I thought you were safe to be with, but I was wrong.”
“No you weren’t. You don’t know how wrong you are about me.”
The tears in her eyes told me how much I’d hurt her, not that I needed reminders. “I can’t do this. I knew I’d see you, and I tried convincing myself I’d be okay with it, but I’m not.”
“I miss you,” I said like a plea.
She started to walk away. “I have to go.”
I was left scratching my head, looking like an idiot in the middle of a courthouse, all because I couldn’t keep it together. I sat in the courtroom staring at her two rows in front of me for the whole day. When it was finally adjourn
ed, I walked outside, but waited for her to emerge. She saw me immediately and rolled her eyes. “You’re not going to give up are you?”
“Let me take you to dinner.”
“I’m not here alone.”
It was like a kick to the balls. Had she found someone so soon? “Oh, I didn’t think…”
She pushed me lightly on the chest. “Seriously? You thought I brought a guy with me?” She said the next comment in a whisper. “You think I’m easy?”
“I never said that.”
“Let me call my cousin and let him know I won’t be back for dinner. His wife is doing a shoot while we’re here. She’s a model.”
“I apologize for assuming.”
We started walking toward the parking lot. She walked ahead of me, and I hurried to catch up. “Where do you want to eat?”
“I don’t care. I’m starving. I came all this way and for the past two days I’ve been held up in a hotel. Today they call me, and I’m not asked to testify again. My stomach has been in knots. Did you see the way Rocky looked at me? I wanted to throw up.”
“I’m sorry. I haven’t noticed. The only thing I saw in that court room was you.”
She froze in place. “You can’t say things like that.”
I reached for her hand, pulling her closer to me, not giving a damn who saw us. “For two months I’ve been a miserable son of a bitch. I can’t get you out of my mind. I’ve waited for the moment when I’d see you again, and now you’re here, standing right in front of me.”
“For the past two months I’ve thought about a lot of things too. One thing I know for sure is that you and I can’t be together. We live in two parts of the country. Your work keeps you busy, and I’m trying to get my life together. Even if we tried, you and I both know it won’t work. Maybe it’s better this way. Maybe you dropping me off was the best thing that could have happened. At first I wanted to regret what happened between us, but I know it’s not possible. We were both in that hotel room. We acted on impulse and it was great while it lasted. You took good care of me. You kept me safe. Then you took me home, where my family welcomed me with open arms. Now I’ve got a second chance to make things right, and I’m determined to work my ass off until it happens.”
“You’ve put a lot of thought into this.”
She reached up and touched my cheek. “Maybe in another life we could have been good together, but you and I both know it’s over. I hate this place. My life is, and will always be in the country.”
“What about dinner?” I prayed she’d still spend time with me.
“What good will it do? You and I both know what will happen. We’ll have a couple drinks and reminisce about what could have been. Then one thing will lead to another and we’ll end up back at your place.”
I chuckled. “You act like that’s a bad thing.”
“It’s better if we quit while we’re ahead.” She leaned forward and kissed me tenderly on the lips. When she pulled away tears were forming in her eyes. “I wish you the best future, Logan. Whoever you end up with is a lucky woman.”
Then she was gone, hopping in a cab before I could somehow convince her to stick around.
Chapter 34
Cassie
I had to get away from him, not because he made me angry, or feel betrayed. I was over that. It was obvious why Logan felt the need to take me home. All his life he’d longed to have his family back. The idea of me severing ties with mine would never sit well with him. He did the right thing, whether I agreed with his choice or not.
I shielded my face to hide my breakdown from the cab driver. I refused to look out the window to see him standing there. I thought I could handle this, but who was I kidding? Ever since the last time I saw him, he'd consumed my thoughts. Once I accepted he'd sacrificed what we could have been for my safe return home, I got over the pain and agony he'd left me with. Until today. Seeing him in the flesh made everything I thought I'd let go come back.
"Stop the car!" I announced without warning. I handed the driver some loose bills and took off in the direction of the courthouse. My feet were aching in the medium height heels I'd chosen to wear. I stopped to take them off so I’d be able to run.
I ran until I was out of breath, warm tears streaming down my face. People were giving me dirty looks, judging me for looking like a fool. If my raccoon eyes didn't say enough, my inability to understand I was running barefoot down a filthy street in Vegas to catch up to a man I couldn't shake from my mind.
I made it there finally, sifting through the crowds of people conversing outside. My eyes coasted the surrounding area, desperately searching for Logan. Just when I was about to give up I heard his voice from behind. "You came back."
"How is this supposed to work, Logan? How do we even know it will work?"
He reached both hands up and cupped my face. His eyes were staring into mine. "We won't know the answers until we try. Is that why you came back? You want to try?"
I shrugged. "It's impossible. Your life is here, mine is back east."
"We will figure it out. Just give me a chance. Let me be with you, because ever since the day you walked out of my life I haven't been the same. Thoughts of you consume me. I miss you being around. Maybe I don't deserve you for what I did, but dammit I've got to try."
Our embrace was very public, and I wondered if it would get Logan in trouble with his job. I’d been an informant. My pictures were in the files. Surely his co-workers recognized me from surveillance. I wondered what they’d do to Logan. Would he lose his position for fraternizing?
His tongue maneuvered around mine, twisting and turning in harmony. I pulled away because things were getting heated to quick. “Wait. Maybe we should take this somewhere else.”
“I’ve got this place right outside the city. It’s pretty nice,” he teased. “Maybe you’d want to go there.”
We started walking together, my arm tangled inside of his. “Where are you parked?”
“Just around the corner.” We sauntered around the building, finally making it to his familiar sedan. He opened the door for me and watched as I climbed in. My heart was beating a thousand beats per minute. My excitement was through the roof. Even though I’d told myself this couldn’t happen – that we could never work.
I was a fool.
I’d been denying myself happiness because I was angry and afraid. It wasn’t until I heard him, until I saw the way only he could ever look at me, when I knew there was no stopping our connection, not even thousands of miles.
I would have liked to say we pulled the car over and fucked in the backseat like horny teenagers, but it would be a lie. While struggling to contain our excitement, Logan put his lights on to get through the city traffic. He kept a focus on the road while never letting go of my hand. We hardly said anything. We really didn’t need to. Logan and I were on the same page, right where we’d left off before.
As soon as he pulled into his driveway we both made a mad dash for the front door. We bypassed the living room and headed straight down the hall. Clothes were flying off before his door was shut, and by the time we made it to the mattress, his lips were on mine again.
With precision, I was lifted up, my legs shoved in the air. Logan came up between them, sucking on one of my nipples before finding my lips again. His hunger was so intense his breathing was strained. Sweat rolled down his forehead and his bare chest was already shiny. I ran my hands over it, pinching his nipples hard to get a rise. He thrust inside of me without warning. I made a loud sound, shocked and pleased. It felt so good, the friction and pace. He worked his hips, grinding into me harder and harder.
We switched positions, him flipping me around and taking me from behind. I clung to the headboard as he rammed inside of me full-force. I screamed out his name, getting off on the sounds escaping his lips. When I thought he was ready to explode, he removed himself and turned me around again, pulling my body to straddle his lap. My own lubrication allowed me to slip back in easily. In this positio
n he was able to play with my tits and kiss me passionately.
I lost control, almost immediately. I fell victim to my own restraint, my head falling back as I was overwhelmed with euphoria.
Waking up in his arms made it all more real. I’d been dreaming of it for months, never thinking it would happen again. So much had changed in my life, some good, some bad, but my feelings for him had only intensified. I wanted this man with every ounce of need in my body. There had to be a way for us to make it work.
“I missed this, Cassie.”
“I missed you too. I should have called or sent you a message. Time slipped away from me.”
“How have you been?” He began to laugh. “It’s terrible I’m asking you this after we spent the night together.”
“I’ve been okay. A little lonely, but all right. I joined the police academy. Of course, I’m going to be behind since I had to come here to testify. I’m hoping it doesn’t hurt my chances of graduating on time, but you know how they are with regulations.”
He was in shock. “Are you serious, or are you yanking my chain?”
I smiled. “I’m serious.”
“If you want, I can make some calls on your behalf,” he said while tracing his fingers up my thigh. “I’m sure I can put a good word in for you.”
“I don’t need your help, Agent Campbell. I can manage on my own.”
“Wow. What made you want to do it?”
This was an easy answer. “Someone showed me how to be a better person, how to help people who think they’re all alone in this big world. I wanted to be like him; to make the world better one case at a time.”
“This someone sounds like a great guy. Maybe you should think about giving him your heart.”
I sat up, leaning on my elbow while staring into his eyes. “Maybe I already have.”
SIX MONTHS LATER…
Cassie
My name was coming up soon. I sat in the metal chair surrounded by my classmates, shaking and nervous. My entire family was in the crowd. I’d spotted some of them as they came in, but I knew more were scattered. I’d worked my ass off to graduate with my class, and now it was really happening. I had something to be proud of. I’d turned my life around, and was determined to do something worthwhile.
Cassie (The Mitchell/Healy Family #6) Page 19