Losing Me, Finding You

by C. M. Stunich

  I stand up and stretch my arms over my head, moving over to the window, so I can peek out the curtains and get a good view of the city. To be honest, it isn't much to look at, so I'm not really sure why we're here. You'd think with the freedom of the road at our beck and call that we could find someplace better to park ourselves for a few nights.

  With yet another sigh, I drop the curtains and climb onto the big bed, curling up into a ball and drifting off to sleep faster than I'd like to admit. I start off dreaming about Austin and the way his hands feel on my skin, but end up losing out to nightmares where men with feathered faces surround me.

  I guess I wouldn't know a premonition if it bit me in the butt.

  I end up waking up in a heavy sweat and grabbing at my phone with frantic fingers. It's ten till. I made it just in time. I sigh in relief and stand up, stretching my arms over my head and checking out the room for signs that Austin might've come back. His duffel bag is untouched and there's still a bit of colored tape on the toilet seat that says I'm clean and ready for you that's unbroken. I push back my feelings of disappointment and clutch my phone tight, itching for someone to talk to. As soon as the clock strikes six, I start dialing Christy's number and wait with bated breath for her to answer. When she does, I get butterflies in my stomach.

  “Amy?”

  “Christy,” I say with a sigh of relief. “Can you talk freely?” There's a rustling sound from the other end of the line like she's nodding at me.

  “Just for a minute. We have to be quick.”

  “What's going on?” I ask as I sit on the edge of the bed and curl my fingers around the mattress. “Are you okay?”

  “Amy, I'm sorry for getting mad at you. I just … I couldn't stand that you'd lied to me and that you'd left the virginity building without me.” I can hear a smile in her voice, but it also sounds like maybe she's tired, exhausted even. I'm guessing the past few days haven't exactly been the most fun for her. “But I … I didn't mean to snap at you. I was just so caught up in my own problems that I wasn't paying attention. Can you ever forgive me?” I smile and try not to get all teary-eyed at her words.

  “Of course.” I pause. “As long as you can forgive me, too. God, Christy, I have so much to tell you.”

  “Amy,” she says, interrupting me before I can launch into a ridiculously long and detailed account of my recent sexual encounters with a one, Mr. Austin Sparks. “I need to get out of here. Like yesterday. I should've gone with you when I had the chance, but I … God, I don't even know what I was thinking, but now they know somehow, too, and they've just been horrible.” I cut her off and ask her to slow down; she isn't making any sense.

  “Who? Your parents?”

  “Yes. Please, Amy, please, can you come and get me?” she begs, pausing and lowering her voice a notch before continuing. There's a knock at my door, but I ignore it in favor of my longtime friend. Whoever is out there can wait. “Amy, I need you.”

  “I'll come, but I don't know how soon I can get there. To be honest with you, I'm not exactly sure where we are right now. I'll have to wait for Austin to come back, so I can figure this out. As soon as I get more info, I can call you back or text you or something.” I can hear that rustling again. I think Christy's shaking her head.

  “Just come when you can. I don't know if I'll be able to get anymore messages from you. My parents took my cell away, and as soon as they see Crandle in church, they'll know I wasn't talking to him.” She pauses. “Amy, I know I could leave now, just walk away, but I don't think I can survive by myself. I need help, and you … I trust you.” My heart starts to pump faster, almost as fast as the fist that's banging on the door.

  “Sparks, you in there?” It's Gaine.

  “Just a second,” I call out. “Christy, are you there?” It's gone awfully quiet on her end of the line.

  “I'm here, but I'm going to have to go soon. Leave me your number and I'll try to call you back if I can.” I read my new cell number (which I've already memorized, please and thank you) out to my friend and stand up to answer the door. I can't stand to listen to that infernal banging anymore, and it appears that Gaine cannot take a hint. I let him in and step away, watching as he closes the door behind himself and leans against it with a sigh, eyes flicking around the room appreciatively. “Amy … I … I have to tell you my secret and then I'm going to hang up. If it bothers you, don't answer when I call you back.”

  “Christy, honey, there is nothing in this world that would keep me from talking to you.” I watch as Gaine stands up and starts pacing around the room anxiously. His dark brows are knit together and his knuckles are white as bone, protruding from his skin when he clenches and unclenches his fists nervously.

  “Amy, I'm … I think I'm a lesbian.” I pause for a moment.

  “But you said you kissed Beck and liked it?” I'm not judging her, just asking a question. I just want to understand her better because I can tell that's what she needs. God, I shouldn't have left her there.

  “I liked doing something I wasn't supposed to do. That's what I liked. Amy, I … I think I've known for awhile, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. And then when we came home from the bar that night, it just clicked. I don't know how or why, but it did. I'm sorry I took it out on you.” She pauses for a moment, just a quick moment, not nearly long enough for me to tell her that I love her and that I don't care and that I'm coming back to get her no matter what – gay, straight, whatever. Christy is my friend and I don't care about any of that. But then she hangs up and I'm left with a dead line, one that doesn't ring when I call back.

  “Shit,” I snap, slamming the cell phone down on the nightstand. Gaine stops and stares at me quizzically.

  “Austin here?” I shake my head no, but I sure wish he was. I need to talk to him as soon as possible. I consider calling him, but wonder if he'd even answer. There must be a reason for his disappearing acts. I force myself not to think about what Mireya said about Kimmi. “Fuck.”

  “What's wrong?” I ask him, but he just shakes his head.

  “If I get you involved in this, Austin'd kill me.” Gaine glances over at the bed and whistles, pushing a forced smile onto his face. “You lucky fucks. I got stuck in that crappy motel over by the highway. If I hadn't already known that Kent had it in for me, I'd have guessed it from the room I got in that shit hole.” I try to smile back, but mine is forced, too. Poor Christy. I watch Gaine's face for a moment as he struggles to keep his secret inside. It isn't an easy thing to do.

  “You can tell me,” I say to him, moving across the room and putting my hand on Gaine's shoulder, right over his broken heart tattoo. He looks down at it and then back up at me, reaching into his pocket for a cigarette and then seemingly thinking the better of it.

  “Nah, you know what. I'm probably overreacting, I just … ” Gaine stops talking again and shakes his head. “Doesn't matter. Could you just tell that fuck to call me as soon as he gets here. And tell him to stop turning off his fucking phone.” Gaine touches a hand to mine and moves over to the door, pausing with his fingers on the knob. “And Amy, if you see anybody weird hanging around, stay away from 'em for me, would ya?”

  Kimmi and I go out and get ready to do what we do best: robbing banks.

  Our duo is ten tears in the making, a decade old partnership that's evolved against all the odds, managing to survive despite enhanced security and technological advances. Sometimes, I don't know even know how we do it anymore. Seems like people are more attached to plastic than ever, swiping away their money with the push of a button. Fortunately, for now, cash is still king in certain places, older places, places like this.

  Fort Clinton.

  The population is old, rich, and stubborn, and the bank, well, it's in a historical building wouldn't ya know? In fact, it's even got a plaque from the historical society displayed promptly out front, gladly announcing the decades that it's stood in this very spot, a testament to man's resilience and how far we've come. Unfortunately, this also means t
hat security is much more lax and a little behind the times.

  These are the types of places that Kimmi and I seek out through careful research, the places we guide the Triple M'ers around to without leaving a trail that's easy to follow. This is our fucking legacy, the one that nobody knows about except us – Kimmi, me, Kent, and Melissa. For some reason though, I'm almost desperate to tell Amy, to let her in on my secret and share all the stories that are built up inside of me, the ones that have been bursting to get out for years, but who had nobody to listen. Doesn't seem like such a strange thought until I remember that, following Kent's wishes, I've never told a soul, not even Mireya or Beck or Gaine.

  Maybe that's why I'm so damn pissed when he surprises Kimmi and me on our way out of the spare room, the one we always check out to keep our things in when we're working. It's kinda sad that even after all these years of carrying around our gear, the other Triple M'ers have never thought to ask what all this crap is and why there's always one room that isn't registered to anybody in the MC. Guess they don't care, and I suppose I can't blame 'em. They have everything they need provided to them, and yeah, Kent recruits some of them for jobs that I don't know about, things that are as secretive to me as my job is to them, but for the most part, they get to enjoy life without worries.

  I want that for Gaine, but the asshole is a stubborn motherfucker sometimes.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” I ask him as I close the door behind me and give Gaine a look that I hope scares the shit out of him. “Aren't you supposed to be back at that grubby motel?” He frowns at me and Kimmi and looks between the two of us with pursed lips, focusing on a cigarette that's dangling out of her pretty mouth.

  “I was, but I came looking for you. I told you, Austin, I need to fucking talk.”

  “I'm sorry, Gaine, but what did you want me to do? Kent was standing right friggin' there like he always is.”

  “Yeah, well now he's out meeting with Tray Walker.”

  I freeze and Kimmi nearly drops her cigarette.

  “What?” My voice comes out so low pitched that it sounds like a growl.

  “Yeah, well. I wanted to tell you that Kent asked me and Beck to start running drugs last week. We told him okay, so long as it was just weed, but it's not. It's much, much worse than that, Austin.” Gaine licks his lips and brushes his tongue against the piercing in the center of his lip. He doesn't wear a ring there very often, though I can't guess why. It's usually just this tiny dot under his mouth, like a freckle or somethin'. I watch as he bites at it nervously for a moment. “I didn't want to spring this shit on you when you were so busy with … ” He raises his arm and gestures loosely at Kimmi and me. “Whatever it is that you do, but then he started getting on us about making connections with other MCs. I didn't think he was serious until I saw him meeting with Walker on my way over here.”

  “Is the whole gang in town?” I ask, wondering what exactly it is that's going on. Is Kent our rat? It just doesn't make sense. Gaine shrugs.

  “I don't know. I saw maybe a dozen guys with Walker. Other than that, I'm not sure. I just thought I should let you know because I … ” He trails off for a second and stares at the wall beside my boots before turning his gaze back up to mine and locking on tight. “For what they did to Mireya, I would gladly smash their bikes in again. I would beat 'em dead if I could, just for her.” He stops talking and stares off the distance like he always does, like he's waiting for someone. Suddenly, it clicks.

  Mireya.

  That asshole has been waiting for Sawyer this whole time?

  I stare at him and I know it's true. Things start to make a lot more sense. Now, if I didn't feel like an asshole before, I sure do now. If I'd have known Gaine was into her, I would've backed off. Shit, damn, and fuck.

  “So if Kent really wants me to work with them, I'm out of here because I can't do it. I just friggin' can't.” He shrugs again and sighs like he's finally gotten the weight off his shoulders. “I mean, maybe he's meeting with them about the whole turf war thing, but I doubt it. Sounds like a load of bullshit to me. Since when did we have a turf?” Since forever ago, my friend. Any bank that we've got a hit on is our turf until it's over. That's the way it's always been and Walker just doesn't get it. Or does he? I don't like the implications of Kent hanging out with Tray. What the fuck does that even mean? While I get myself lost in thought, Gaine shrugs and squeezes my shoulder, smiles at Kimmi, and turns away without another word. I watch him go in silence.

  “So what do we do?” Kimmi asks, sounding like she'd so much rather be upstairs in Margot's arms than down here dealing with this crap. When my mind drifts to Amy, I know that I'm thinking the same way. But then, this is for them. This is for everyone.

  “Well, nobody expects us to go in tonight.” I give Kimmi a look and watch her light up. Other than the motion of her hands around the lighter, she doesn't move, looking a lot like a statue in the orange glow of the flame. “Not even Kent. If we go in tonight and get the job done, we can worry about the rest later. That way, no matter what happens, the group will be set for a year, at least. Everybody will be taken care of, and we can beat Bested by Crows at their own, damn game.”

  “Okay,” Kimmi says with a sigh, looking over at me with wary eyes. “But I sure as hell hope you know what you're doing.”

  When Austin finally comes back, he looks exhausted. His skin is stretched taut over his face and when he smiles at me, it only lasts for an instant, dropping right back into a frown as he waltzes in the room and grabs me around the waist with rough hands.

  “Gaine was here looking for you,” I tell him, wanting to make sure I relay the news before I forget. My mind is all riled up with thoughts of Christy and our short but admittedly quite surprising conversation. Austin kisses me on the lips hard and sparks a little thrill in my blood, but he doesn't use his tongue, and he pulls away far too quickly.

  “Thanks, beautiful, but he caught up with me.” He lets me go and stands there looking just this side of awkward.

  “Austin,” I begin, but he cuts me off.

  “I can't stay, sugar,” he says with a sigh, looking me up and down appreciatively. I put on my pink pj's for him, hoping that when he got back we'd … well, you know.

  “You have to go out again?” I whisper and he nods. “With Kimmi?” Austin raises an eyebrow.

  “Something the matter, pretty girl?” he asks me, reaching out and touching a strand of loose hair that's fluttering around my forehead. I take a deep breath and clear my throat before I speak. I need to get this out there, just to be sure that I'm not totally crazy, that Austin sees at least a little bit of what I see between us.

  “You and I, right now, are we … ” I don't want to say that we're a couple because I don't know if we're there yet. I search my romance novel knowledge for the proper terminology. “Exclusive? I mean, you'd expect me not to be sleeping with Gaine while you're out right?”

  “The fuck?” Austin asks, opening his brown eyes wide. “You were fucking Gaine?”

  I feel a blush creeping up my neck, and I know that I've just blown the conversation. Smooth, Amy. Very nice. Be careful, your knowledge of men is showing.

  “No, I … Mireya said she thought you might be sleeping with Kimmi because you're always disappearing together … ” I trail off when Austin keeps staring at me, one brow substantially higher than the other.

  “Someone's been telling you stories, sugar. Kimmi enjoys the ladies almost as much as Beck does.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “She's gay, sugar. Kimmi is gay.”

  “Oh.” I flush even brighter, feeling more and more like an idiot as the seconds tick by. “Austin?”

  “Amy.” I pause as he steps closer, the heat of his body wrapping around me and pulling me in before we've even touched. “Now, I've got business to take care of, but I can't leave this spot until you answer me straight, alright?” I nod and try not to moan when he grasps me under the chin, narrowing his eyes and leaning in close. �
��Did you and Gaine fuck?” I blink at him and try to pull away, but Austin grabs me at the last second and hauls me against his chest. “Well?”

  “No!” I shout at him, putting my hands up against his firm body. “Goodness, Austin Sparks. Mind your manners.” I push away from him and he lets me go, watching as I take a deep breath and dig my feet in. “So are we?”

  “Are we what, beautiful?” he asks, tilting his head to the side.

  “Exclusive. I mean, you're not going to sleep with anyone else without telling me, right? I mean, because otherwise I'll have to keep worrying about it, and we'll have to start using condoms and – ” Austin steps forward again and grabs me around the waist, thrusting his hot mouth against mine and running his tongue along my teeth, tasting me with bated breath, pushing me up against the wall with the weight of his body. When he pulls away, I have to remind myself to breathe.

  “I've never made this promise to anyone,” Austin says, licking his lips and sucking in a huge lungful of air. That angst filled stomach ache I so craved before comes rushing back and makes me sick. He's going to tell me no, isn't he?

  “Never mind,” I say, trying to play it off. Maybe he's not ready for this. I mean, I met the man a week ago. Austin smiles at me and reaches a hand down to the waistband of my pants, tugging them slowly off of my hips until they pool on the floor at our feet.

  “But maybe I can make an exception for a pretty girl like you, especially one that's got the balls to tell me I'm hers.”

  Austin grabs me by the hip with one hand and reaches behind my head with the other, grabbing a handful of curtains and flinging them away. A floor to ceiling window shows itself, spilling cold, gray light into our room along with the shadows of rain drops. I squeal and try to move forward (I'm not wearing panties, if you must know), but Austin doesn't let me. He pushes my bare ass against that glass, rips open the fly on his pants and proceeds to (pardon my language) fuck the ever living shit out of me.