The Ersatz Elevator

by Lemony Snicket

  CHAPTER

  Ten

  "... and one of the items in the catalog is listed as 'V.F.D.,' which is the secret that the Quagmires tried to tell us about right before they were kidnapped," Klaus finished.

  "This is terrible," Esmé said, and took a sip of the parsley soda she had insisted on pouring for herself before the Baudelaire orphans could tell her everything they had discovered. Then she had insisted on settling herself on the innest couch in her favorite sitting room, and that the three children sit in three chairs grouped around her in a semicircle, before they could relate the story of Gunther's true identity, the secret passageway behind the sliding elevator doors, the scheme to smuggle the Quagmires out of the city, and the surprising appearance of those three mysterious initials as the description of Lot #50. The three siblings were pleased that their guardian had not dismissed their findings, or argued with them about Gunther or the Quagmires or anything else, but instead had quietly and calmly listened to every detail. In fact, Esmé was so quiet and calm that it was disconcerting, a word which here means "a warning that the Baudelaire children did not heed in time."

  "This is the least smashing thing I have ever heard," Esmé said, taking another sip of her in beverage. "Let me see if I have understood everything you have said. Gunther is in fact Count Olaf in disguise."

  "Yes," Violet said. "His boots are covering up his tattoo, and his monocle makes him scrunch his face up to hide his one eyebrow."

  "And he has hidden away the Quagmires in a cage at the bottom of my elevator shaft," Esmé said, putting her soda glass down on a nearby table.

  "Yes," Klaus said. "There's no elevator behind those doors. Somehow Gunther removed it so he could use the shaft as a secret passageway."

  "And now he's taken the Quagmires out of the cage," Esmé continued, "and is going to smuggle them out of the city by hiding them inside Lot #50 of the In Auction."

  "Kaxret," Sunny said, which meant "You got it, Esmé."

  "This is certainly a complicated plot," Esmé said. "I'm surprised that young children such as yourself were able to figure it out, but I'm glad you did." She paused for a moment and removed a speck of dust from one of her fingernails. "And now there's only one thing to do. We'll rush right to Veblen Hall and put a stop to this terrible scheme. We'll have Gunther arrested and the Quagmires set free. We'd better leave right this minute."

  Esmé stood up, and beckoned to the children with a faint smile. The children followed her out of the sitting room and past twelve kitchens to the front door, exchanging puzzled glances. Their guardian was right, of course, that they should go to Veblen Hall and expose Gunther and his treachery, but they couldn't help wondering why the city's sixth most important financial advisor was so calm when she said it. The children were so anxious about the Quagmires that they felt as if they were jumping out of their skin, but Esmé led the Baudelaires out of the penthouse as if they were going to the grocery store to purchase whole wheat flour instead of rushing to an auction to stop a horrible crime. As she shut the door of the apartment and turned to smile at the children again, the three siblings could see no sign of anxiousness on her face, and it was disconcerting.

  "Klaus and I will take turns carrying you, Sunny," Violet said, lifting her sister up. "That way the trip down the stairs will be easier for you."

  "Oh, we don't have to walk down all those stairs," Esmé said.

  "That's true," Klaus said. "Sliding down the banisters will be much quicker."

  Esmé put one arm around the children and began walking them away from the front door. It was nice to receive an affectionate gesture from their guardian, but her arm was wrapped around them so tightly that they could scarcely move, which was also disconcerting. "We won't have to slide down the banisters, either," she said.

  "Then how will we get down from the penthouse?" Violet asked.

  Esmé stretched out her other arm, and used one of her long fingernails to press the Up button next to the sliding doors. This was the most disconcerting thing of all, but by now, I'm sorry to say, it was too late. "We'll take the elevator," she said, as the doors slid open, and then with one last smile she swept her arm forward and pushed the Baudelaire orphans into the darkness of the elevator shaft.

  Sometimes words are not enough. There are some circumstances so utterly wretched that I cannot describe them in sentences or paragraphs or even a whole series of books, and the terror and woe that the Baudelaire orphans felt after Esmé pushed them into the elevator shaft is one of those most dreadful circumstances that can be represented only with two pages of utter blackness. I have no words for the profound horror the children felt as they tumbled down into the darkness. I can think of no sentence that can convey how loudly they screamed, or how cold the air was as it whooshed around them while they fell. And there is no paragraph I could possibly type that would enable you to imagine how frightened the Baudelaires were as they plunged toward certain doom.

  But I can tell you that they did not die. Not one hair on their heads had been harmed by the time the children finally stopped tumbling through the darkness. They survived the fall from the top of the shaft for the simple reason that they did not reach the bottom. Something broke their fall, a phrase which here means that the Baudelaires' plunge was stopped halfway between the sliding elevator doors and the metal cage where the Quagmires had been locked up. Something broke their fall without even injuring them, and though it at first felt like a miracle, when the children understood that they were alive, and no longer falling, they reached out their hands and soon realized that it felt a lot more like a net. While the Baudelaires were reading the catalog of the In Auction, and telling Esmé what they had learned, someone had stretched a rope net across the entire passageway, and it was this net that had stopped the children from plunging to their doom. Far, far above the orphans was the Squalor penthouse, and far, far below them was the cage in the tiny, filthy room with the hallway leading out of it. The Baudelaire orphans were trapped.

  But it is far better to be trapped than to be dead, and the three children hugged each other in relief that something had broken their fall. "Spenset," Sunny said, in a voice hoarse from screaming.

  "Yes, Sunny," Violet said, holding her close. "We're alive." She sounded as if she were talking as much to herself as to her sister.

  "We're alive," Klaus said, hugging them both. "We're alive, and we're O.K."

  "I wouldn't say you were O.K." Esmé's voice called down to them from the top of the passageway. Her voice echoed off the walls of the passageway, but the children could still hear every cruel word. "You're alive, but you're definitely not O.K. As soon as the auction is over and the Quagmires are on their way out of the city, Gunther will come and get you, and I can guarantee that you three orphans will never be O.K. again. What a wonderful and profitable day! My former acting teacher will finally get his hands on not one but two enormous fortunes!"

  "Your former acting teacher?" Violet asked in horror. "You mean you've known Gunther's true identity the entire time?"

  "Of course I did," Esmé said. "I just had to fool you kids and my dim-witted husband into thinking he was really an auctioneer. Luckily, I am a smashing actress, so it was easy to trick you."

  "So you've been working together with that terrible villain?" Klaus called up to her. "How could you do that to us?"

  "He's not a terrible villain," Esmé said. "He's a genius! I instructed the doorman not to let you out of the penthouse until Gunther came and retrieved you, but Gunther convinced me that throwing you down there was a better idea, and he was right! Now there's no way you'll make it to the auction and mess up our plans!"

  "Zisalem!" Sunny shrieked.

  "My sister is right!" Violet cried. "You're our guardian! You're supposed to be keeping us safe, not throwing us down elevator shafts and stealing our fortune!"

  "But I want to steal from you," Esmé said. "I want to steal from you the way Beatrice stole from me."

  "What are you talking about?" Klaus
asked. "You're already unbelievably wealthy. Why do you want even more money?"

  "Because it's in, of course," Esmé said. "Well, toodle-oo, children. 'Toodle-oo' is the in way of saying good-bye to three bratty orphans you're never going to see again."

  "Why?" Violet cried. "Why are you treating us so terribly?"

  Esmé's answer to this question was the cruelest of all, and like a fall down an elevator shaft, there were no words for her reply. She merely laughed, a loud rude cackle that bounced off the walls of the passageway and then faded into silence as their guardian walked away. The Baudelaire orphans looked at one another--or tried to look at one another, in the darkness-- and trembled in disgust and fear, shaking the net that had trapped them and saved them at the same time.

  "Dielee?" Sunny said miserably, and her siblings knew that she meant "What are we going to do?"

  "I don't know," Klaus said, "but we've got to do something."

  "And we've got to do it quickly," Violet added, "but this is a very difficult situation. There's no use climbing up or down--the walls feel too smooth."

  "And there's no use making a lot of noise to try and get someone's attention," Klaus said. "Even if anybody hears, they'll just think someone is yelling in one of the apartments."

  Violet closed her eyes in thought, although it was so dark that it didn't really make a difference if her eyes were closed or open. "Klaus, maybe the time is right for your researching skills," she said after a moment. "Can you think of some moment in history when people got out of a trap like this one?"

  "I don't think so," Klaus replied sadly. "In the myth of Hercules, he's trapped between two monsters named Scylla and Charybdis, just like we're trapped between the sliding doors and the floor. But he got out of the trap by turning them into whirlpools."

  "Glaucus," Sunny said, which meant something like "But we can't do that."

  "I know," Klaus said glumly. "Myths are often entertaining, but they're never very helpful. Maybe the time is ripe for one of Violet's inventions."

  "But I don't have any materials to work with," Violet said, reaching out her hand to feel the edges of the net. "I can't use this net for an invention, because if I start to tear it up, we'll fall. The net seems to be attached to the walls with little metal pegs that stick into the walls, but I can't pull those out and use them, either."

  "Gyzan?" Sunny asked.

  "Yes," Violet replied, "pegs. Feel right here, Sunny. Gunther probably stood on a long ladder to drive these pegs into the walls of the passageway, and then strung the net across the pegs. I guess the walls of the elevator shaft are soft enough that small sharp objects can be stuck into them."

  "Thole?" Sunny asked, which meant "Like teeth?" and instantly her siblings knew what she was thinking.

  "No, Sunny," Violet said. "You can't climb up the elevator shaft by using your teeth. It's too dangerous."

  "Yoigt," Sunny pointed out, which meant something like "But if I fall, I'll just fall back into the net."

  "But what if you get stuck halfway up?" Klaus asked. "Or what if you lose a tooth?"

  "Vasta," Sunny said, which meant "I'll just have to risk it--it's our only hope," and her siblings reluctantly agreed. They did not like the idea of their baby sister climbing up to the sliding doors of the ersatz elevator, using only her teeth, but they could think of no other way to escape in time to foil Gunther's plan. The time wasn't ripe for Violet's inventing skills, or for the knowledge Klaus had from his reading, but the time was ripe for Sunny's sharp teeth, and the youngest Baudelaire tilted her head back and then swung forward, sticking one of her teeth into the wall with a rough sound that would make any dentist weep for hours. But the Baudelaires were not dentists, and the three children listened closely in the darkness to hear if Sunny's tooth would stick as firmly as the net pegs. To their delight they heard nothing--no scraping or sliding or cracking or anything that would indicate that Sunny's teeth wouldn't hold. Sunny even shook her head a little bit to see if that would easily dislodge her tooth from the wall, but it remained a firm toothhold. Sunny swung her head slightly, and embedded another tooth, slightly above the first one. The second tooth stuck, so Sunny carefully eased out the first tooth and inserted it once more in the wall, slightly above the second tooth. By spacing her teeth slightly apart, Sunny had moved a few inches up the wall, and by the time she stuck her first tooth above the second one again, her little body was no longer touching the net.

  "Good luck, Sunny," Violet said.

  "We're rooting for you, Sunny," Klaus said.

  Sunny did not reply, but her siblings were not alarmed because they imagined it was difficult to say much when you had a mouthful of wall. So Violet and Klaus merely sat on their net and continued to call up encouragement to their baby sister. Had Sunny been able to climb and speak at the same time, she might have said "Soried," which meant something like "So far so good," or "Yaff," which meant "I think I've reached the halfway point," but the two older Baudelaires heard nothing but the sound of her teeth inserting and detaching themselves in the dark until Sunny triumphantly called down the word "Top!"

  "Oh, Sunny!" Klaus cried. "You did it!"

  "Way to go!" Violet called up. "Now, go get our makeshift rope from under the bed, and we'll climb up and join you."

  "Ganba," Sunny called back, and crawled off. The two older siblings sat and waited in the darkness for a while, marveling at their sister's skills.

  "I couldn't have climbed all the way up this passageway," Violet said, "not when I was Sunny's age."

  "Me neither," Klaus said, "although we both have regular-sized teeth."

  "It's not just the size of her teeth," Violet said, "it's the size of her courage, and the size of her concern for her siblings."

  "And the size of the trouble we're in," Klaus added, "and the size of our guardian's treachery. I can't believe Esmé was scheming together with Gunther the entire time. She's as ersatz as her elevator."

  "Esmé's a pretty good actress," Violet said comfortingly, "even though she's a terrible person. She had us completely fooled that Gunther had her completely fooled. But what was she talking about when she said--"

  "Tada!" Sunny called down from the sliding doors.

  "She has the rope," Violet said excitedly. "Tie it to the doorknob, Sunny, using the Devil's Tongue."

  "No," Klaus said, "I have a better idea."

  "A better idea than climbing out of here?" Violet asked.

  "I want to climb out of here," Klaus said, "but I don't think we should climb up. Then we'll just be at the penthouse."

  "But from the penthouse," Violet said, "we can get to Veblen Hall. We can even slide down the banisters to save time."

  "But at the end of the banisters," Klaus said, "is the lobby of the building, and in the lobby is a doorman with strict instructions not to let us leave."

  "I hadn't thought about him," Violet said. "He always follows instructions."

  "That's why we've got to leave 667 Dark Avenue another way," Klaus said.

  "Ditemu," Sunny called down, which meant something like "What other way is there?"

  "Down," Klaus said. "That tiny room at the bottom of the elevator shaft has a hallway leading out of it, remember? It's right next to the cage."

  "That's true," Violet said. "That must be how Gunther snatched the Quagmires away before we could rescue them. But who knows where it leads?"

  "Well, if Gunther took the Quagmires down that hallway," Klaus said, "it must lead to somewhere near Veblen Hall. And that's precisely where we want to go."

  "You're right," Violet said. "Sunny, forget about tying the rope to the doorknob. Someone might see it, anyway, and realize we've escaped. Just bring it down here. Do you think you can bite your way back down?"

  "Geronimo!" Sunny cried, which meant something like "I don't need to bite my way back down," and the youngest Baudelaire was right. She took a deep breath, and threw herself down the dark passageway, the coil of ersatz rope trailing behind her. This time, the plunge doe
s not need to be represented by pages of darkness, because the terror of the long, dark fall was alleviated--the word "alleviated" here means "not particularly on Sunny's mind"-- because the youngest Baudelaire knew that a net, and her siblings, were waiting for her at the bottom. With a thump! Sunny landed on the net, and with a slightly smaller thump! the coil of rope landed next to her. After making sure her sister was unharmed by the fall, Violet began tying one end of their rope to one of the pegs holding the net in place.

  "I'll make sure this end of the rope is secured," Violet said. "Sunny, if your teeth aren't too sore from the climb, use them to cut a hole in the net, so we can climb through it."

  "What can I do?" Klaus asked.

  "You can pray this works," Violet said, but the Baudelaire sisters were so quick with their tasks that there was no time for even the shortest of religious ceremonies. In a matter of moments, Violet had attached the rope to the peg with some complicated and powerful knots, and Sunny had cut a child-sized hole in the middle of the net. Violet dangled the rope down the hole, and the three children listened until they heard the familiar clink! of their ersatz rope against the metal cage. The Baudelaire orphans paused for a moment at the hole in the net, and stared down into the blackness.

  "I can't believe we're climbing down this passageway again," Violet said.

  "I know what you mean," Klaus said. "If someone had asked me, that day at the beach, if I ever thought we'd be climbing up and down an empty elevator shaft in an attempt to rescue a pair of triplets, I would have said never in a million years. And now we're doing it for the fifth time in twenty-four hours. What happened to us? What led us to this awful place we're staring at now?"